Darling

You're already good in my eyes - an inspiration in yourself - brava!

NH, such a great response! Thank you.

Thank you for the feedback! I thought I'd try to reply to some great things that were brought up, but there doesn't seem to be a reply button. I've been feeling conflicted about the use of 'oft', and am agreeing that 'often' might be a great replacement after I rewrite some lines.

I also must admit I didn't realize that the ears part of the second stanza evoked such strange imagery. I intended the lines a sort of sleepy need to adjust yourself to the world, and sound, when you wake up.

On the other hand, I done believe art like poetry should or even can make sense all of the time. For example, comparing the radiance of a person to a celestial body is a bit cliché, but the moon reminds me of her face, and it's light/ the light of her smile are much more private than the sun. So some times meanings can be tricky.

I don't believe poetry nreds to always be simple, although simplicity can enhance the impact (like black and white as opposed to color photos) , I think its a matter of authors style.

I do have to make some edits, but if anyone would like some of the story behind it and didn't see the description, here goes. I was dating this girl for a few years, long distance, so we didn't get to meet in person very often. We relied on each other emotionally, probably more than we should have since we had both been through a lot. Anyway, she was in a bad place, and she really needed me, but I couldn't go and see her. She was asleep when I wrote it. I wanted her to know her love and her longing was mutual. I think I texted her as soon as I finished writing it. I think she liked it. I don't remember much else, it was almost two years ago.

I guess it's pretty clear I'm an Amateur. I'm inspired by other poetry, as well as rap. I want to become better, and the only way I can do that is if I know where I'm falling short. So thank you for letting me know! ♡

I like it no matter what the tiny mistakes may be. I am going to be writing one for my Little Girl!

As the title said, I have meant "buzzflies".

LS = Lirycal Subject.

LS tells darling: "open yourself to the fireflies, / as my ears do now.", meaning that LS' ears open to ...--well, eyes can open or can get opened to something; ears never open, they always stay open. Thus, this is clumsy English. What is more important, the authors have the obligation to see the images which they create. Otherwise, poetry is impossible. Indeed, the reader has to recreate author's images. Should I see human ears which open and close like garage doors?

On rec.arts.poems (rap), in 1990, I checked systematically on the originality of the rap's poems. Thus I have joked that the sure way to be original is to make a truly accidental typo. Then a poem with a typo would be unique. But such originality would have nothing in common with poetry.

We have words "pretend" and "pretended"--why would anybody think that there is anything poetic in WORDS "pretend" and "pretending", in the given 2' stanza? After all "pretending" is about being false. On the top of it, LS talks about their "earnest whispers". Not only, that LS talks about their own "whispers", these whispers must be "earnest" or else Darling will not trust PL.

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Let's go back to stanza 1. The two characters, LS & Darling, are totally GENERIC. Why should we believe that their faces are like (full?) Moon? It's hard to see this image.

If there was an indication that these characters are children or that they are from Far East (Chinese, Korean, Japanese, ...) then perhaps. as it is, we simply have to accept author's word because the image is not created for readers but IMPOSED on readers--and that's a huge difference.

Once again, the image is somewhat original but it feels like a typo or misspelling in a sentence. It's not enough to be "original", the text of a poem must be convincing (not imposed by the author). Faces of children or from the Far East would possibly be great but never generic.

Oh, no, I see an obsession about "pretended" in all three stanzas. Repetition, like all artistic means, can work to the advantage of a poem or can be detrimental... like pretending and pretense.

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OK, enough, I am leaving stanza 3 as an exercise> :-)

Best regards,

---- Senna Jawa

PS. I had been watching fireflies a lot over years. And now, I also checked on youtube videos. There is a reason why fireflies are not called "firebuzzes". Fireflies appeal to our eyes. Fireflies' bzzz and pssst don't produce any musical effects worthy of a note. There is a lot of audio effects when you watch fireflies but these audio effects come from other (oh, yes!) small creatures (insects and frogs and/or whatever). Thus the above 2nd stanza doesn't convince me about the fireflies' "music into darkness".

PPS. A poem doesn't have to be real/relistic but it has to be convincing. Some fantastic creatures, when consistent, etc., can be truly poetic too. But when one imitates Nature without catching its most characteristic moments, then even Nature doesn't have to be an answer to good poetry.

After introductory "Darling" the two first lines of each stanza start with "if...Then...". What about "else"? Once we play logic and computer languages (Perl, Python, Fortran77, ...), combination "if...then...else" would be more advanced. You may use logic and grammar in very special cases but otherwise--stay away from them because that's not what poetic language is about.

How to understand "if you are awake"? I can recognize three possibilities. (1) The lyrical subject is in the other room and shouts to his/her "Darling!!! Are you awake?!!!". (2) The lyrical subject is next to Darling. The poor Darling doesn't feel good. Thus, the lyrical subject makes sure about Darling's state -- well, it'd be silly to expect Darling to "gaze on the moon". (3) The lyrical subject is simply so full of him/herself that l.s. must talk in such a superficial way: "fix your gaze on the moon"--c'mon! give me a break. Or then, "as my eyes do now"--right, the lyrical subject tells Darling that his/her eyes fix his/her gaze. Lyrical subjects must love to talk and admire their own eyes, there is no better topic to talk about that their own eyes.

Somehow, the author gets a wrong idea about poetry. When you read a good poem you should not feel anything artificial, it should feel so natural that you do not realize that your reading a P-O-E-M. Most of the time an author should use simple language unless there are true artistic reasons to do otherwise. Here is an example of simple language (but for the title):

************ dreamy senselessness ************

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****** i'll wake you up

****** and tell you a story

****** then let you sleep

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****** when you wake up

****** you'll let me know

****** am i alive

****** or just a dream

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********************************** wh, 1985 ***

Best regards,

A very pleasant poem even if the "oft" sounds very contrived.

I re-read the poem and thought more about it, NH.

Repetition is a tricky thing. More often than not, it suggests weakness in a poem IMO. However, given the strong images here, I think it gives the poem a more song like quality that is actually quite nice.

This is lovely! :)