All Comments on 'Desire's Dance'

"Her head lifts to his stiffened pleasure/

The letting of sucklings to sweeten the desired/

We sit in a new moon's embrace" This is your best bit.

You have some good phrasing, interesting grammar. However, this poem doesn't have much that seems wholly you, some detail that would describe your personal relationship and not the general moon/sun/thighs desire of every human being who's ever desired.

Your first line isn't very strong, first lines are everything. Your second line is good. The cliche is obvious, I'm sure you recognize those lines. If you don't, start there, find the cliche lines and re-write them as your own.