All Comments on 'Dry River'

actually finding it more erotic than the erotic poem you submitted. While I found the phrasing fresh and interesting, there were a few places that I stumbled:

The day was given up <"was given" is passive voice

into a < I think changing to a more active

turbulent run of river <voice will stregthen this first

and pouring of sun; <line.

Perhaps consider:

"We gave up the day

to a

turbulent run of river

and pouring of sun;" <your subsequent lines are active:>

We stumbled the green <"We stumbled" = active>

into the dark blooming

of our time.

The wish that <I wasn't quite sure what these

you were <five lines were saying...

in the dim <"in the dim of my torture" ?

of my torture < dim light?

denied my craving.

The sheaves of my days < This felt a little overmodified

shackled to bone <I wonder if you just said

and flesh and the <"My days"

dizzying desire,

you starved;

The primal drive from death <I think dropping "from death"

in my <make these some hot, hot

stroking finger and <lines

roaming tongue

found you fresh and vital;

In the sweet and static

of the park,

in the cloying lilac night

we twisted and flexed

heaving to sigh. <damn good lines...

In the circle of dark

the lyric of your eyes

and thighs <nice random rhyme here

hummed their desire into

my pores.

The promise that we

were,

and the fluid that

you consumed,

turned the sap to

syrup, and

the warm sweating night

enfolded us;

Bound us into

that dry river, that ran <omit "that ran">

into the sweeping rush

beyond our impulse;

The music on

the edge of the bank

just mouthed the notes,

until the we were tugged in;

Somehow

in the glare

and wash of light

we grew absent

and then past.

And now that night is

frozen

and the world is crisp

and stiff.

We have lost that night <omit "have"

and misplaced the bloom, <omit "and"

lay fallow driving urge. <I think add "the" before driving

Now a stain

the circle of dark

and heaving to sigh, <omit "and"

have faded and smudged,

eroded to smooth flat

Longing.

Our days now are surrendered <omit "now are"

to turbulent flow, and

that dry river

Has swept us on <omit "has"

And silted that night. < change "And" to "and"

Those are a few things that you might consider... Otherwise, this is a very good erotic poem, nice work

jim : )

this poem is mentioned in the New Poem Review Thread:

http://www.literotica.com:81/forum/showthread.php?p=15098747&posted=1#post15098747

jim : )

Wonderful poem. Very sensitive and evocative, one of the best poems I have read on this site.