All Comments on 'First time (a tavvy tale)'

piers should be peers.

done....transgressions works better as transgression. violence is a great area of specialty for lit and poems, keep at it. i.e. Jack Reacher novels .... the more you fiddle with these lines, looking to simplify, avoiding un-needed info, striving to hit reader over the head with flow and content the stronger your end result. Sometimes what was important to the writer must be weighed to see if it is equally important to the reader. i.e."The wouldn't believe that the new four eyed kid with glasses" might read, "who would believe the 4 eyed kid" anyway just trying to nurture your talent, continue as you wish....er

If you hadn't been offering advice, or commenting at all I probably would have given up. I can see a small amount of improvement in my writing so I will stick at it. This tavvy tales series is documenting a large portion of my life so I want to get it right more for the reader than myself as I lived it. Thanks for the advice, please know that it is more than appreciated

Damn. That's one rough crowd, eh? Normally, when a fight starts, I take a few steps back, to make extra sure that the bouncers won't confuse me with whoever started the fight. Where I live, you'd end dragged to a back-room and they'd make sure you'd never come back (if you're smart). Broken bones, missing teeth...

I see this is an older poem. It's more prose than poetry, I think, but IMHO it's well enhanced by rhythm, and (more importantly) by a *truckload* of style. You have a real talent for descriptions, the action flows and is vivid, and I won't stop bothering you until you finally try your hand at a short story. :) Hell, with some editing and refocusing, the above could be it.