Full Disclosure

I try to pinpoint the moment
When life became so hard
Was it the day when I lost my faith?
Or on my old schoolyard?

It can’t have been one person,
One event, or just one crowd
So, when was the point that I found out,
That silence can be so loud?

Did it happen in an instant?
Or the general wearing down?
All I know is I woke one day
To find my smile replaced with a frown.

I wonder how many others there are
That feel the way I do
When I can’t remember the last time I laughed
Forever feeling blue

So, I guess I’ll tell my story.
Each word of which is true
And the judgment of how my life turned out.
Will rest, my friends, with you.

I was born in sunny mid-July
In 1984
Keen of mind and bright of smile
Life was normal, nothing more.

My school years were undramatic
Neither bullied nor adored
But not a single friend from those long years
Survived walking out those doors

It's not that I didn’t like them,
I just never quite fit in.
I’d drift from one clique to the next,
Never staying long within.

I'd be the name that few recall.
When they look back on that time
There are groups that are still the best of friends.
It's just that friendship was never mine.

I first fell in love at sweet sixteen
Her name was Natalie
It's hard for me to regret that love
Due to what it gave to me

It started well, or so I thought
And time maintained its march
I felt love, respect and truly wanted
I gave her all my heart

After eighteen months, she sat me down
She’s slept with someone else
I felt a part of me die that day
But I forgave her none the less

Within six months, she was pregnant
My bouncing little boy
I had never dreamed you could love so much
Or be filled with so much joy

But I can tell you the moment when Natalie changed
The week, the day, the hour
For the black sheep of her family
Suddenly had some power

Before we’d left the hospital
She’d argued with her folks
And she forbade them from ever seeing our son
And for months, they never spoke

Believe me, I saw the red flags
I watched her filled with dread
And any hopes I had for a normal life
Were well and truly dead

Four months later, I was single
And so, the war began
I could have simply walked away
But I’m not that type of man.

Through judges, lawyers, and endless fights
I stayed in my son’s life
I'm proud of how I fought for him.
Regardless of the strife

She moved on with her life
As I moved on with mine
A new man for her, she seemed to calm.
And I enjoyed that short-lived time.

By now, I’d made it to college
To finally earn my degree
I also worked two part-time jobs
Each weekend, child with me

No time for socializing,
I loved college nonetheless
I was broke and stressed and overworked
But those years were still my best

Skip ahead through three small flings
And I met the next mistaken love
Her name was Gemma and for a time
I thought she was the one

She made an effort where it counted
Though she never truly warmed
To the lack of going out for drinks
In hindsight, I was warned

But we’ll leave that part for later
Cause we’re not done with Natalie
It was here that my life really changed
Or that’s how it seems to me

My son was about seven
When the bruises, I first saw
He fell in school or bumped his head
But he would never tell me more

Suspicion started rising
I started taking notes
Then on fathers day, eight years ago.
The dam finally broke.

Of course, it was her new boyfriend.
He beat him black and blue
What’s worse is that she lied for him
So no one really knew.

It's one of my life’s mysteries
How I didn’t turn around
Walking back, once hearing what he'd done
And putting that man in the ground.

But I listened to my son’s story
As through fear-filled eyes be begged
To never make him go back there
And be beaten once again.

Police and social workers
Descended on the mess
But they agreed that he should live with me.
I’d settle for nothing less.

By now, Gemma was pregnant
My second on the way
I fought this case; I studied hard.
And I worked more than I can say

The day of graduation
Was court date number one
No cap and gown for my hard work
College was just finished; it was done.

I’ll save you all the details,
Though they haunt me every night
He was jailed; she was not.
But I was in the right.

There’s more to this than meets the eye
For that, we must go back
For while I was fighting for my son,
She launched her last attack.

We had met all those years ago.
Through a group of shared good friends
But while I was dealing with Police and courts.
She went straight to them.

She told them that I had made it up
That I had poisoned my son’s mind
That I was bitter and a liar
And I still wanted her as mine.

What’s worse, they all believed her
All of them but one
Andy was the better man
He stood by me and by my son

The rest of them, they bought it
They believed her long, forked tongue
Despite his sentence, despite my proof
Our friendships, like that, were done

So, no more talk of Natalie
She's not in my life, nor in his
She’s never allowed to see my boy
It just is what it is

Three months later, baby two was born
Another bouncing boy
And once again, I was reminded
Of unconditional love and joy

But things went wrong quite quickly
Something wasn’t right
My darling little boy was sick
And I was up with him every night

Three operations to fix his ears
And they tell me he is deaf
His mother started backing off
Til I was all that was left

At the age of two, he’s diagnosed
Autism, that’s what’s wrong
Gemma won't be a lifelong nurse
And poof, like that, she’s gone.

A few years later, my eldest comes home
With a brand-new friend in tow
A friend he went to school with
And one I got to know

He started staying weekends,
Then every holiday
He never wanted to go home
But why? He wouldn’t say

My son and him became best friends
Brothers in all but name
It was like my son could recognize
Someone going through the same

His dad has left when he was small
And his mom was one of those
Who also like to use her balled-up fists
To get her will imposed

One day I woke to realize
That for months, he’d not been home
He just came to stay and never left
He didn’t want to be alone.

Eventually, the police rocked up
His mom said he’d run away
He told them the full story
And they thought it over, for a day.

The next morning, I get a phone call
They want it to be real
They want me to adopt him
So his case file can be sealed

With that, my family grew by one
From three, to a healthy four
He was already part of the family
A signature wouldn’t make me love him more.

So, all my boys, they live with me
And I’m a full-time dad
My dreams are gone, no work or friends
But it isn’t just all bad

I delighted in my children
And a new love, her name was Dee
Despite the things that we’d all been through
She somehow wanted me

For five long years, we were happy
Though we never shared a home
But having her to talk to
Made me feel a little less alone.

Over time, it started fading
The time she spent with me
I tried everything I could think of
But it wasn’t meant to be

A few months later, I get a message
Off a friend of hers, not mine
She was only with me to hurt her ex
Five years wasted is a long time

I was hurt; I won’t deny it
But Andy was still there
He only lived just up the road
And his judgment was always fair

We drank, and we confided
He had also had it rough
Heartbreak and sporting injury
But Andy, he was tough.

I don’t know quite what happened
Perhaps I never will
I don’t know if he misunderstood his meds
Or if he really meant to kill

One day, I went up to his house
He’d been quiet for a few days
But seeing his cold body there
Just left me in a daze

I can't tell you much about it
Just that he overdosed
He took too many painkillers
And Andy’s book was closed

That was eighteen months ago
Since then, I've been alone
I've met a few good friends on Lit
But they’re all so far from home

My oldest heads to college soon
He’ll be there within the year
My youngest is almost eight years old
And his illnesses are now quite clear

Autism and epilepsy
But he powers through each day
Be it blissful ignorance or untold courage
He just blows me away

Of course, it isn’t easy
Most days, I struggle on
I've been hit and bitten and watched him fit
My hope for more has gone

I have cried myself to sleep at night
Not able to see the end
Knowing there’s another day that’s just like this
Coming ‘round the bend.

I can’t work or meet new people
Not even while he's in school
In case he has to be sent home ill
I'm just sat here, like a fool

I wish I could say I exaggerate
That my lot in life is more
But this is all I think about
As moonlight lights my floor

Who could love a man like me?
No ambition or onward plan
I might have honor and integrity
And have done all that I can

But I'm not handsome. I don’t have money
And my role in life is set
No future past my darling boy
That’s it; there nothing next.

No vacations, no friends, few family
No plans, no time, no hope
An online life is my only escape
My dreams went up in smoke

This all sound so melancholic
Complaints that never end
I love my children more than life itself
And I’d do it all again

I’ve been told that I’m a hero
That most men would walk away
But nobility does not come free.
And I’ve paid more than I can say

My father is slowly dying
He won’t see more than two more years
My mother has her own problems
I don’t even get her ears

Yet each day, I pull myself from bed
And fight the whole day through
And fail to sleep the following nights
To do the same, the morning new

I feel stuck in my own body
Trapped in this lone life
When all I wanted was happiness
And maybe share it with a wife.

It's up to you if you believe my tale
Some have supported; most have not
But take advice from a man with none
Cherish happiness that you’ve got

Well, that’s it. That’s my story
Those’re the reasons I'm so down
And that still is not all the things
That maintains my day-long frown

I haven't told you of my health woes
Or unrequited love
Or the undiluted rage I feel
Toward the big guy up above

I'm past the point of caring
My effort is all spent
But I guess you all now know
Where my hope and my smile went

To my friends on here, I love you
More than you could ever know
It is beyond my means to speak your worth
Or affection goes to show.

To my children, you are my life’s work
Despite what I have said
Not a single time have I felt doubt
That I would do this all again

And yet, I’m lost and lonely
This life is mine to keep alone
But what I'd give to meet a loving girl
To share my love, my life, my home

So, I leave you here, my reading friend
Cast judgment; it's up to you
I’ll keep bearing this weight on my lonely road.
Until my time is through.