All Comments on 'Goddess of Silver Clouds'

goodness me you've forced in a lot of words there for the sake of the rhyme, which doesn't work just makes it sound like 'Yoda speak' .

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i.e 'Slides the moon on her full lips'

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'Sways she her hips and the night'

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'Down slides to her slender hips --'

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If a rhyme has to be forced in find another that works properly

was an overgenerous 4. It is overgenerous, because the rhyme is forced as UYS said. The words are cliched. You can accept this as honest criticism or not. What you are doing is trying to do is write "poetry". Don't. Write and then make it poetry, with this I see clouds, the clouds are just drifting around in exaggerated scenery. Ask yourself what are the clouds there for, what are they supposed to do? As they are now, they have totally taken over the story, because I can't find one. You have two options, either tell a story, which is easier than the second option, continue with the scenery route, but that will take many years of skill and practice and avoidance of what you think sounds "poetic".

Best.

I appreciate your feedback.