- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Ice Storm
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Click hereCrystal coated trees speak to me
In the cold, clear morning breeze
They shed their glass sleeves
With musical wind chime sounds
Adding their discarded shards
To a world of diamond sparkles
- COMMENTS
greenmountaineerover 13 years agoNicely done. I like in particular the contast in the last 2 lines of "discarded shards" turning the world into "diamond sparkles."
I might have played with using "diamond bed sparkles" in which case I would have replaced "Adding" with "Making" (as in a bed.) I think the then 2 hard "d" sounds in the last 2 lines gives this short poem a slower more deliberate ending, which I think is always desirable in short poems, but that may be just my bias.
As I said, nicely done.
Kobaover 13 years agoAn absolutely beautiful poem! Wow! Very impressive! I live in Alaska and find myself constantly looking at the beauty in the "crystal coated trees". Magnificent imagery! You have a gift!
Liarover 13 years agoCould trim a word here and there for perfection. (For instance, no need to tell us it's cold, that's implied everywhere anyway.) But overall an excellent little snapshot.
vrosej10over 13 years agoSo I can't comment on the realism, but you're improving all the time as a poet. i agree about the last line. I think cliches might be your personal bugaboo. Mine's gerunds; I am the proverbial gerund whore much talked about here.
tigerjenover 13 years agoYour poem reminds me of the snow and ice we've been having for the last month or so where I live....well done!
twelveooneover 13 years ago100! I was going to complain about shards, but you know what Mike, here you are hitting it "Adding their discarded shards" The last line is a little to cliche, however the rest of the poem manages to take what easily could have been overdone and overwrought, but you brought it to the right touch. In parts it sings.
Esperanza_Hidalgoover 13 years agohave quite the acumen of the other two, but I do agree. Nonetheless, you do have a poet's ear and good imagery. Much upside MikeIvy, as long as you don't make me spit my juice out again! It's good.
Angelineover 13 years agoand lose "to me" because trees do sort of speak when the ice is clinking and dropping and shattering. Also not sure I'd keep "musical" because if you've ever heard a whind chime you don't need to be told it's musical. Also "diamond sparkles" is accurate but a predictable way of describing it. The end line is what you leave the reader with so I'd try something that's also accurate but more unexpected. I like the sonics of this poem. It sounds like what it is.
fridayamover 13 years agobut thought it might work better if you took "yourself" out of the poem, cutting the "speak to me" which is cliched and concentrating on the lovely descriptive images.
