All Comments on 'Lament For Taxicab # 4'

I read but now look again and see why others enjoyed. I suppose longer pieces are harder for me to understand so I may not spend time with them. You have potential.

I read this one twice to give it real extra close consideration. It's well done. You are showing not telling mostly. That's half the task. My two pick points (and feel free to ignore me);

1) This needs a vigourous edit. There are places where you could have gotten you message through with half the words. Compression is at its most important in poetry.

2) Euphony. To pull off narrative poetry, there needs to be pretty strong sonic echoes between the lines or it becomes flash fiction (a sin of mine own!).

A good fun read in it's originality, a couple of rattles too close together but I enjoyed

I left a comment with some suggestions on your poem but it has disappeared even before I posted the one about mentioning your poem in the forum.

Basically what I said was, in line 10, you could delete the word "funny" and then lines 10 and 11 would read-

My seats are stained and smell

Of cheap cologne, sweat, and shame

I thought the idea of the seats smelling of shame was brilliant. I really enjoyed reading your poem today and hope you continue writing. This poem needs a little tweaking but you show some real talent and empathy here.

nice work-

~ maria

if somehow the other comment shows up, please delete one of them if you wish, I won't flip out if you delete my comment, I am not that self- important.

in the new poem recommendations thread. Visit the forum and participate in some of the threads and exercises if you haven't before :)

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=36740963#post36740963

~ maria

this is an excellent beginning (for a poem). You could delete a few words here and t here,but it is original and very visual and I enjoyed reading your work today. Read it aloud and pay attention to your rhythm and flow. A little tweaking can go a long way. For instance, the word"funny" in line 10 could be deleted and then lines 10 and 11 would read

<i>My seats are stained and smell

Of cheap cologne, sweat, and shame</i>

I thought line 11 was brilliant, especially the idea of the seats smelling of "shame". Very, very nice work.

--Good job :)

~ maria

idea for a poem. Nicely visual and atmospheric. Made me want to look for more of your work. Thank you.

Tess

I'd change or eliminate words here and there, but it's good enough for my five, as is.