All Comments on 'Last in Line'

A good rule is, if you would be embarassed to walk up to a stranger and take this huge emotional manipulative dump on them, then it shouldn't be in a poem.

Well done! And forget the "good rule" someone is "giving" you. It is an idiotic statement. What you had to say not only belongs in poetry, it is poetry. Keep writing!

.....is a useful tool for poets and this is one agonised cry - so agonised the poet forgot about meter. Better to leave out trying to rhyme, write free form.

It's not clear why the protagonist is in such emotional pain apart from line 4/4. As a result (I think) of the writer's urgency the punctuation is very odd.

Didn't like it much but it's your first born so keep writing/

Tess

If you had used a quarter of the lines and words it might have had a greater impact, to keep repeating says nothing new. Next time try editting down and cutting out superfluous words