My Beginning

This is a long poem, well long for me. It is factual, with a hint of fantasy. All sexual activity took place between consenting adults over 18.

Was I ever of an age?
When inside me wasn’t in a rage
When I wasn't so shy
When I just didn’t cry
I was of that age
When I just couldn't speak
Words tumbled out
Always Confused, never meaning anything
When I wasn’t so old,
But still not young
Trying to be bold
Not a girl, not a woman
I was somewhere in between

As I looked at the girls and my heart skipped a beat
As I started to talk but only looking at my feet
I knew I wasn’t the same as them
They’re gushing over boys you see
I never did, I just wanted to be me
I had lust in my eyes, which they couldn’t see
And my groin told me time and again
That I saw things differently
So different
Different to them, different to me

I didn’t understand the feelings inside
Why the boys didn’t thrill me,
Why I had to hide,
Mum said it was because I was so shy,
But I couldn’t tell her
If I had she would have died
Even around my mother and me
I had to pretend
I pretended to the end.

It was a time of great change
But she still couldn't see
Times were a changing even for me
And I wanted to tell her
Tell her with glee
But I kept it a secret
[Between you and me]
I tried once or twice
I was older by then
But the words didn’t come
Still scared, so dumb
I cried a lot for a girl of my age
Hidden away in my room so cold
Trying to understand it all

It was after my school years
Way back then,
At University, I tried to fit in
To party with the same group of men
But they really didn’t do it for me
Not now, not then
No not even when the boys were turning into men,

At a party on the beach we went
Laughing and fooling as the sun was finally sent
Into the sea, the sea to the West
The boys built a fire in a pit, in the sand
We sang songs loudly I can remember them now
First there was Lulu singing for a teacher she loved
And then the Doors who sang about a Woman they knew
In LA I think they said she came
We sang with the Monkees, the Turtles, Young Rascals too
We danced up and around the group that night
While the boys were trying their turn at being men
Getting drunk on cheap wine
This would be no place for us girls.

She took my hand and we danced and danced
No one noticed just how close we were
Two piece swim suits, not Bikinis, but close
Her body was sweating, shining almost
Not realizing, we danced off into the night
And no one had noticed
We weren’t there any more,
In the shadows far away from the crowd,
She took my hands and looked in my eyes
Then told me she knew me
And what was on my mind
She held me and kissed me,
I shook in surprise,
I hadn’t said a word to anyone but me
She asked how I felt
Still shaking in awe
She kissed me again
A smile rose from my lips I know
She kissed me again
Harder this time,
Her tongue was so strong
It fenced and danced and it felt Devine
And I felt her leg in between mine
She rubbed it back and forth as I moaned
Then held me tight until I groaned
She undid my top, no resistance from me
And then she stood back to gaze upon me
She lowered herself onto her knees
Tugged at my swim suit, I made sure it came free
She held my hands our fingers entwined
Then taught me with her tongue that night
I didn’t know what to say or do
How to move
Except to shake as she brought me to tears
On that starry night,
Or were the stars just in my head
Along with the fireworks over head
Not sure how many times I came
But when she stood up her eyes were so bright
I could see the sheen on her mouth in the moonlight
I kissed her again, then again and again
Tasting myself each time as I did
I reached for her breasts, but she pushed me away
I was totally unsure what was in play
She smiled again and took off her suit
So slowly, as it made me weep
I knew that this was more than skin-deep
I cried a lot that night,
She showed me where to touch her right
She told me how we should greet
How to behave when in the street
How to make love
And where to meet,
That there were others like us to meet.
She told me with glee
But that was my first time
No more crying for me.