by Tzara
Enjoyed this one,
Sure hope it's a coed shower;
I wonder, is "must i stalk"
A statement or a question?
feel like I was in the Serengeti. I agree with Lebroz, the last line did seem a tad ambigious.I read it as a statement but then it could be interpreted as a question.
Nice work. I enjoyed the sinister feel and the undertones of eroticism. Also, I think the last two lines read as a statement to give the reader something to think about. No ambiguity to me.
accustomed to the nature of the beast..nature stalks...feels like a cat crouching..lovely images...blue
excellent use of metaphor, the combination of the images deepens the sensory experience-as
I love minimalist poetry. This is quite good. I also try to eliminate as many unneeded words as possible, but I've learned that taking out too many "the" and "a", for example, can leave the poem sounding slightly unnatural. At first, I was wondering if "fresh from shower" and "fork of limb" needed more. Anyway, I made a few suggestions that may not really improve the piece, but it's pretty much what I would consider while working on one of my own poems.
add()
delete[]
fresh from (a) shower
you bend [over]
a willow seeking out [the] sun
with a graceful arc of trunk
long hair hung low
like netted branches dipped to water’s flow
and there, in (the) fork of (your) limb,
that dark bit, that damp moss
such beauty should be contemplative
but i am also nature
i am animal
and must i stalk
The lack of some of the "a," "the" and "your" seem to go with someone who "is animal" and wants to resist his nature to stalk?