by Merrymaker
I love the feeling of this....
always there...never forgotten
Nice work you romantic you
lol
Thank you
And you do it so well. The personification of Time, while being vaguely reminiscent of something I can't quite put my finger on grabbed me and held me through to the end. I would work on the last line of the last two stanzas. They interrupt my love for this poem.
I'm really getting into this poem, it's moving along, I see the subtle structure and the imagery. It's clear and smooth, and then I get to "heart's desire" and I want to scream. WHYYYY WHYYYYYYY did you choose this most overused phrase? It totally cheapens your poem. I could have forgiven it, if you didn't cop out in your last line with "a smile... you are there". You use so much imagery within the entirety of the poem, and then you choose the reality of saying someone is "there" instead of letting us feel it. Pairing that last line with the "heart's desire" totally frustrates me right at the end of your poem. It's like a kick right in the gut. Your poem is better than those two lines, and yet, it's all I can think about. They're your neon signs blinking at me in the middle of a gloriously enchanted escapade.
just get rid of heart's desire--cliche, cliche, cliche. The rest of the poem is fresh and purple.