All Comments on 'Snail Tale'

Reader's own mind suggest Karmaic Resolu-'shun !!!! Wonderful , Old Bear & High-Fived .

I liked this, Old Bear, but I'd pare it back a little, ie, let the reader think he or discovered you "Aha!" through less "tell" and just enough "show" to get the reader thinking. It felt a little too much like you were taking me by the hand, and describing the meaning of what happened.

It then occurred to me that one possibility could be putting the last verse at the beginning. Then you could see how to bring in the snail's death without as much rationalisating.

I appreciate the comments. I've been perking these thoughts along for a year - how killing a snail brought me to question my lack of faith. I would consider removing the 2nd stanza. The timing of stepping on the snail while I was enjoying the amazing nature on my land was important to my making the leap and I wanted to bring that out, and there was a lot more thought before that happened. The intent was not to take someone by the hand but to describe the process. As a rather dimwitted poet and reader of poetry I find that sometimes it is helpful, to go from A to B to C and not use or seek an "a-ha" moment to cause the thought or emotion. That all being said, I really appreciate that you took the time to comment and I always look forward to seeing your names in the comments sections.

I liked this Oldbear! To me it gives a sense of the relative importance of everything. Snails, humans, clouds and shadows, we all have some relative importance, but we can only measure it in human terms.

5ed.

aren;t you the guy that wrote about cat killin?

Poem suffers from a serious lack of cat killin

actually the poem is ok but it is a leap for most for the cloud shadow to appear over a snail

a little too fey

5ed anyway

death is still death no matter what, whom, why or where, TK U MLJ LV NV

I agree that there is too much 'telling' and this makes for a disjointed read, but I did enjoy the story behind the telling.

Twelveoone

Your comment was beyond the pale – unacceptable.

In his previous poem, Oldbear was telling a true story of having to kill kittens to put them out of their misery. Your jokey comment was unintelligent, unfunny and offensive not just to Oldbear (I cannot speak for him) but to many of the rest of us.

You seem unaware of how people will react to what you say.

You really ought to apologise to Oldbear.

I had thoughts like this, once, all the time. Was pretty hard to do things, back then.

poem would be better if...

Now if OB is playing god by putting cats out of their misery, does he expect me to believe a cloud shadow will have an impact, a bit of a disconnect.

poem would be better if something more than crushed escargot was involved.

the structure of the poem is fine

I'm sorry if I offended your veganism, C (not really), or upset the god moment connection (again, not really)

This is wild. Clearday, I sincerely appreciate the offense you took and your comment on my and perhaps other's response. Twelve - playing god - damn, I didn't see it that way but... Anyway what I was trying to say in the poem is that killing the snail made me think about what little the critter knew of the world, he couldn't conceive of what could happen - which lead me to feel that there could be many things much beyond my ability to conceive or understand that form a challenge my logical arguments against faith. Does that make me a snail brain? Hey - I've been called worse.

However, since this is the 2nd note trying to explain the damn poem - I guess it was a failure, but some folks liked it so...

That explanation, Oldbear, helps a great deal in both understanding and enjojoying the poem. Thanks

OB, I said the structure of the poem was fine, a little pandering as our your comments.

My second response was to C. Follow the logic, or lack thereof.

If these comments are so offensive delete them, and as for clear -what-ever, what you are is dealing with text, and in my text there is nothing that attacks either you or Oldbear63, your comment as too mine being :Beyond the Pale is a bit histrionic.

And you OB, if you do not like comments that are not effusive, we can solve that problem real quick, but I will point out that your intersection on the two woman poem made sense, and what I seen, it was the only comment that was sympathetic.

READ IT AGAIN, IT WOULD WORK BETTER IF IT WASN'T A SNAIL

and OB, I do remember some of the comments on your cat killing poem, I also remember your Jackson Pollock comment.

BTW the 5 I gave you, I could vote twice, that would erase it. I am not going to do that.

What I'm going to do is just walk away, and leave you fine poets in a self absorbed pine fest about how cruel and insensitive non poets and the world also generally is.

Lines 22 or 23 feel wonky like they are interrupting lines 21 and 24.

Now everybody fricken stop making such racket a in here. Some of us trying to concentrate on writing poetry.

Obie, nice image, I saw the foot descending.

as said the structure is fine, the leap from the local to the general (in this case the universal) is a bit of a stretch. Especially, since I do remember the cat poem.

Now this aside (If less so our home) normally a good idea in that breaks the linear flow also defines the morality of the protagonist, the cloud shadow clashes with it, in other words way too much ado about goo, and thus becoming the worst of poetry, profundity with a wee wee bit of humour

I also remember the flak about the cat. So the comments here strike me as pandering.

I also remember the comment you made to me, which eerily I heard before, (did you catch that) this poem is not that hard to duplicate, however, It is clearly several steps above others here.

Now, OB we solve this problem, I will not bother anymore since clearly I am not is a league with the others you mentioned. I will gleefully point out that none of the others, clearly are not either.

good luck, may your path be true

i'd keep the first and last stanzas more or less as they stand, though the last is the best and, as H points out, the shadow/the sudden start puts things into perspective, likening as it does the unknown/unexpected - the life of a snail/the life of a man. I get what the whole is about, but i found everything inbetween the first and last somewhat clunky, a little tedious, and the thoughts to base the write on rather than the finished poetry. I can understand your desire to keep things simplistic, in an attempt for both clarity and a pointer as how organic structures such as humans are as unaware of things beyond their understanding as snails... it just didn't work for me as it's posted here, and compared to some of your previous pieces that surprised me. I wouldn't give up on the concept - it's certainly valid; if you ever rework this piece i'd be glad of a heads up.

I didn't send an email - are you referring to my last comment? If it's an email please check the signature. Anyway don't go away mad...

Harry, Butters - thanks for the comments. I HAVE to redo this one. It clearly didn't come out as intended.

I'm making the 20th comment to see if the little H icon bursts into flames.

even though a tiny snail died for your poem, it was a fitting, respectable death. I love this. That you were able to put yourself in the place of that creature. Yes, he matters, they all do, and I do admire you for not imparting your will upon a spider. This poem deserves an E, in my humble opinion. :)

~ nj