All Comments on 'the last gunslinger (a tavvy tale)'

I usually don't care for rhyme - but I quite like these tavvy tales (now that I know what a tavvy is). I get the sense that you are rushing to get these down on paper, which is fine...but they do still need some editing and tightening up. You might also want to consider restructuring the poem - as it is now you it starts with something that is really not essential to the gunslinger character - the mail in license. Maybe start with how you met, his qualities or something more relevant - and end the entire poem with the final line of the first stanza: Have you ever met a man you looked up to? /

He was mine. I would play around with it some. Also, be careful of forced rhymes (this is why I don't like rhyme), because it can cause some strange phrases. "A bouncing man" sounds to me like a cartoon, for example. What on earth does "give me the ass" mean? (Sorry - I do this all the time to one of my Aussie friends who astounds me with phrases like "up at sparrow's fart").

I thought the license part was relevant to what made him the last gunslinger, maybe it needed a little expansion. The laws from then to now that have come in to regulate getting a security license a worlds apart. you used to just post off a request and you got a license, now you have to do a written course learning laws on assault, battery, self defenses etc, etc.

maybe I need a reference at the start of each one to give the reader an idea of some of the more obscure phrases, it is probably more suited to a book than poetry. I think despite that you dislike rhyme the fact that it is actually a captivating story has overshadowed that?

my problem at the moment is that I am so excited to put this down I am over doing it. Thank you for the feedback, I will make a more gallant attempt on the next one.

Australian slang for firing someone

that comes across clearly. You need to start thinking though about how you can tighten up your poems. Try to get rid of any unnecessary words. You don't need to repeat anything once you imply it (unless you are using repetition as a rhetorical device). Look at the places where you may be explaining instead of showing and try to get rid of as much explaining as possible.

Also you need to decide if maybe you have too much info here for one long poem: this might work better as a group of shorter pieces built around Tavvy life. It's better to write a shorter poem and have your readers anticipate the next one then to write a long poem that may wear them down and turn them off.

Just my opinion and shared in the spirit of helping. :-)

is easy when it is your life that you are recounting lol I have had an interesting one to say the least. I will put these on hiatus until I can get a better grasp on how I want to present them. I got excited, like a kid with a new toy, I went overboard on trying to get it out.

as is most o' the rime

but the line -

it's all over the place

seriously you are wasting too much time on rhymin coups, you'd get a better pay-off with free verse and very selective rhyme or tossed into a tighter song like form with a

ABAB scheme or something like that

didn't vote

It's the opinion on what is being done wrong or right. you have provided feedback. I am happier to recieve that, more than any possible vote you could put up.

now you've heard from him

They are both accomplished poets and good critics. It is great to be excited by your creativity, don't lose it. However, leaving a poem overnight, one is amazed at the errors that pop out and ideas that arrive to alter or reword. Often in the mind's eye one sees words that are not on the written page but were there in your mind as you read it over and over again, they too pop out (their absence) after a good night's sleep. Keep at it, this Tavvy stuff is a unique experience and illuminating. People love violence more that romance so you will never be without readers. Best regards, er