- Non-Erotic Poetry
- the last gunslinger (a tavvy tale)
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Click hereHe was the last of the old generation
Where you got licensed by mail invitation
No training, no courses, no learning of laws
You just had to be tough, gritty, no matter you flaws
22 years he had been a bouncing man
A former pro boxer, bouncing not his life's plan
Time rolls by as it relentlessly will
Drugs, sex and violence, he'd seen his fill
The bald eagle or Bonny his radio call sign
Have you ever met a man you looked up to? He was mine.
The old horse full of wisdom and advice
He always knew what to do, when to be violent when to be nice
The struggles you find in the bouncer role
Is not to let violence enter you whole
You need to embrace violence as a necessary tool
But you can't let it control you, can't be a fool
Bonny was the man that gave me my pass
All the other men wanted to give me the ass
He took me under his wing, and shaped the man I am
He was direct and honest not given to flim flam
First time I met him I thought he was weak
Two men abused him but he turned the other cheek.
He proved to me later that night
That my initial interpretation, wrong and not right.
By taking apart a man I thought would smash him
He did it in a way that was unpleasant and grim
The man in question was going off his face
Thickly muscled, tall, he took up a lot of space
He struck the man that had caused him angst
The hit man fell like a stack of planks
Bonny ran in, no fan-fare no screaming shout
With two thunderous blows the bald eagle laid him out
All this done in the briefest of moments
My earlier thoughts now seeking atonements
Back to the scene because I went astray
Back to the story of what Bonny did say
He put his hand on my chest,
Saying "boy, give it a rest."
It was as firm a command as I had ever got
So I settled back, my temper running hot
We watched them walk off to their car and go
I asked him why we were so lenient, I wanted to know
I, or many of the other staff would have rushed in
The protection of pride and ego our sin
I queried him again, why we had allowed them to go, no strife
With a withering glare, he said, "the one on the left had a knife"
A shocked look registered, I turned and bonny I faced
For it was the man on the right being rude, it was him I'd have laid waste
He said to me, "look son,
That is a fight you wouldn't have won"
At best you would have been hospitalised,
or you'd be dead, it was a trap no lies"
I like you boy you're a surprise package
Big, quick and agile, but you need to drop your baggage
You keep going the way you are,
You won't be working here you aren't yet up to par
I decided to heed his worldly advice
He had saved me from stupidity and paying the ultimate price
He was the man that glued us together
Shaped us, moulded us and made us better
The teacher, the leader and the boss
When he left the Tavvy it was a massive loss
But that was a lot later as this story goes
So await and see where my next musing flows
- COMMENTS
erectus123almost 11 years agoThey are both accomplished poets and good critics. It is great to be excited by your creativity, don't lose it. However, leaving a poem overnight, one is amazed at the errors that pop out and ideas that arrive to alter or reword. Often in the mind's eye one sees words that are not on the written page but were there in your mind as you read it over and over again, they too pop out (their absence) after a good night's sleep. Keep at it, this Tavvy stuff is a unique experience and illuminating. People love violence more that romance so you will never be without readers. Best regards, er
todski28almost 11 years agoAuthorIt's the opinion on what is being done wrong or right. you have provided feedback. I am happier to recieve that, more than any possible vote you could put up.
twelveoonealmost 11 years agoas is most o' the rime
but the line -
it's all over the place
seriously you are wasting too much time on rhymin coups, you'd get a better pay-off with free verse and very selective rhyme or tossed into a tighter song like form with a
ABAB scheme or something like that
didn't vote
todski28almost 11 years agoAuthoris easy when it is your life that you are recounting lol I have had an interesting one to say the least. I will put these on hiatus until I can get a better grasp on how I want to present them. I got excited, like a kid with a new toy, I went overboard on trying to get it out.
Angelinealmost 11 years agothat comes across clearly. You need to start thinking though about how you can tighten up your poems. Try to get rid of any unnecessary words. You don't need to repeat anything once you imply it (unless you are using repetition as a rhetorical device). Look at the places where you may be explaining instead of showing and try to get rid of as much explaining as possible.
Also you need to decide if maybe you have too much info here for one long poem: this might work better as a group of shorter pieces built around Tavvy life. It's better to write a shorter poem and have your readers anticipate the next one then to write a long poem that may wear them down and turn them off.
Just my opinion and shared in the spirit of helping. :-)
todski28almost 11 years agoAuthorI thought the license part was relevant to what made him the last gunslinger, maybe it needed a little expansion. The laws from then to now that have come in to regulate getting a security license a worlds apart. you used to just post off a request and you got a license, now you have to do a written course learning laws on assault, battery, self defenses etc, etc.
maybe I need a reference at the start of each one to give the reader an idea of some of the more obscure phrases, it is probably more suited to a book than poetry. I think despite that you dislike rhyme the fact that it is actually a captivating story has overshadowed that?
my problem at the moment is that I am so excited to put this down I am over doing it. Thank you for the feedback, I will make a more gallant attempt on the next one.
Desejoalmost 11 years agoI usually don't care for rhyme - but I quite like these tavvy tales (now that I know what a tavvy is). I get the sense that you are rushing to get these down on paper, which is fine...but they do still need some editing and tightening up. You might also want to consider restructuring the poem - as it is now you it starts with something that is really not essential to the gunslinger character - the mail in license. Maybe start with how you met, his qualities or something more relevant - and end the entire poem with the final line of the first stanza: Have you ever met a man you looked up to? /
He was mine. I would play around with it some. Also, be careful of forced rhymes (this is why I don't like rhyme), because it can cause some strange phrases. "A bouncing man" sounds to me like a cartoon, for example. What on earth does "give me the ass" mean? (Sorry - I do this all the time to one of my Aussie friends who astounds me with phrases like "up at sparrow's fart").
