by withlovel
let me be quite honest. The concept of the poem is somewhat interesting, but I don't think it works, if for no other reason than one can't get a good sense of the simultaneity of the two voices because reading them is way too linear in spatially different ways. Putting the two narratives side-by-side might work better, but that would not work well with the effect you're trying to create, I think.
Other than the concept, the poem seems pretty ordinary to me, with no particularly remarkable, or even out of the ordinary, images.
I guess I like the concept of this more than the execution, if that makes sense.
Tazz,
Thank you, for your comments. It is nice to see that some one is reading and enjoying, (not meaning or assuming that you like what I write) just saying it's nice to see comments.
respectfully yours,
Liberator
or is it Play Misty for Me. TK U MLJ LV NV