All Comments on 'Untitled'

I like your choice of words in communicating your thoughts and observations. It might be interesting to re-write this without thinking about making the rhymes always at the end. Internal rhyme is exciting because it is unpredictable and sounds very cool. I think you used the end rhyme really well, I usually cannot read a rhyming poem all the way through and I read yours several times.

It might be fun to experiment! I do this with my own poems. Take a 40 liner and make it 5 lines just to see if I can and see how it changes everything but can still deliver my message.

I am not suggesting that you change your poem. Just play around with it and see what happens :)

all the best,

anna

without aim, we drift

and slowly, stray far from

earthly claims....

I want to go further! I might but not here... it is your thread :)

Drifting slowly

with no aims

straying far from

earthly claims

Your poem was mentioned on the thread

"New Poem Reviews"

thanks for the journey

Art~