by varioral
could have been tighter, but there is a lot of promise there....
with the write overall.... it doesn't do anything much for me at all (just one reader of many, though). its one redeeming feature is here:
The fat bumblebee
Smiled lazily too
As it teased the nectar
From the fragrant
Petaled rose
i like that visual of the smiley fat bumblebee, lazily toying with the rose :)
with a few minor changes....
it has potential...
could even be in the non-erotic section, sure it has erotic parts, but that is not the central theme... which seems one of loss and seperation
whatever it is, prose, poetry.
there is something sincere and moving about it...
with my dear friend anon, except for the fact that the so-called juicy parts are a bit old (as is anon); and the rest doesn't seem to tie in. But I bet the score I left was higher.
the sensuous parts were a turn on! the rest made me sad, just a little...