02 - Always, Yours

"Who do you belong to," Hayden demanded of Caspian, whose eyes shot open at the demand and he gasped, looking down at Hayden, his cheeks flushed and his lips wet and parted slightly, a little swollen from the roughness of the kiss. Hayden's eyes lingered over Caspian's face, taking in the sight of the well-kept man a withering mess on the countertop. The sight of Caspian biting into his slightly swollen bottom lip made Hayden move harder, desperate to have the man in pieces in his arms.

"You! I belong to you," Caspian gasped out without a thought, leaning back and pulling Hayden down over him. Hayden smirked and grabbed Caspian's wrists in his hand, pinning them to the counter above his head. Caspian whimpered, looking up at Hayden with nearly black eyes as he gnawed at his lip. Sweat was matting Caspian's hair to his forehead, his face flushed, and his eyes darting rapidly, watching Hayden as he held him down and fucked him.

Hayden picked up the pace, making Caspian cry out, the faster pace battering his prostate in just the right way to make him cum. He was so close, just barely hanging on.

"God I love your tight little ass," Hayden placed little teasing kisses over Caspian's neck, keeping up a steady pace. The movement of their bodies caused delightful friction between them, rubbing Caspian's dick with each microscopic movement. His skin felt like it was vibrating, his heart was pounding, his breath was shaking. He was so close.

"Please," Caspian whimpered. "Please, it's so good, I just..." He couldn't finish his statement, he couldn't find the correct words to even go about describing what he was trying to get out.

Hayden picked the perfect moment to switch their positions, because when he pulled out and moved away, Caspian found himself whining in frustration because he was there. It was seconds before Hayden had turned him around and hoisted him up with an arm around his waist. Hayden pushed back into Caspian with a grunt, gripping Caspian's throat to get better leverage. Hayden had learned quickly how to choke Caspian because Caspian reacted like he was in heat every time he did it to him. While it was embarrassing to Caspian at times, it definitely worked out in his favor.

The change in position left Caspian's dick exposed to the air of the room, but it also made Hayden be able to fuck him so much harder than before. The sound of skin-slapping skin echoed all around them as Hayden gripped at Caspian's sweat slickened skin, holding him up with the tips of his toes not even on the ground as he fucked him. Caspian's weight and the force behind the thrusts were enough to make him scream out, and grapple at Hayden's arm. Hayden loosened his grip momentarily.

"Harder, please." Caspian pleaded, his face flushing brightly. He was very glad he was facing away from Hayden because there was no way in hell that he'd ever be able to face him at that exact moment.

"Fuck, you love this don't you, mm?" Hayden tsked into Caspian's ear, biting down a little harder at the back of his neck. "You're fucking perfect, every inch of you..." Hayden growled out as he trailed little teasing kisses down Caspian's shoulder. "I own you, Caspian. Every goddamn inch of your sexy little body is mine." The possessiveness in his voice made Caspian whimper. He couldn't help the way his bright red, sensitive dick was pumping out precum in time with each thrust.

It didn't take too much for Caspian to give himself over to his orgasm, he'd been holding off for so long he needed to let go. He could feel the ache from holding on, could feel his whole body shivering with every movement of their bodies. He was so sensitive to every touch, and when Hayden reached down and around him, tugging at his dick Caspian felt his toes curling. Caspian tensed, his whole body shaking as his orgasm ripped through him, leaving him weightless and sedated. Hayden groaned loudly as Caspian came around his dick, burying it as deep as he could.

Caspian could feel Hayden's cock pulsing inside him, throbbing deep inside him. He whimpered and wiggled around a little making Hayden let out a string of curses. He moved his hips back, pushing against Hayden's as his dick went in deeper making Hayden groan. "Fucking hell, Cas." Hayden groaned, gripping his hair and turning his face so that he could see him from behind him a little. Caspian was flushed, sweaty, and thoroughly fucked, making pride swell in Hayden's chest. He smirked and pulled Caspian up and around, immediately kissing him deeply, pressing every inch of them back together.

Caspian reached down between them and cupped Hayden in his hand, stroking him at a steady, and deliberate pace. Hayden didn't hold himself back, he began pumping his hips into Caspian's hand kissing Cas as deep and hard as he could. Caspian whimpered as Hayden pulled away, licking his lip and looking over Hayden. He looked gorgeous chasing an orgasm, and Caspian loved it.

When Hayden came, he buried his face in Caspian's hickey-covered neck, biting down one final time to stifle his moan. Caspian felt his dick twitch in response, but he was too spent to even think of going again right then. "God, Cas, I love you," Hayden murmured, kissing his neck gently, and Caspian giggled quietly and nodded in response.

"I love you, too," Caspian said, blushing brightly. Hayden smiled and pulled away from Caspian and kissed him on the forehead.

"Let's go shower," Hayden said, ushering Caspian towards the bathroom. Caspian nodded and let him lead towards the bathroom.

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The moonlight shining into the sheer curtains blanketed the room, hitting Caspian in the face and rousing him awake. He sighed and yawned a little, rolling over and reaching out tiredly for Hayden. He groaned and lifted his head and looked out, seeing Hayden's side of the bed empty. "Hayden," Caspian called. He didn't get a response, so he sat up and rubbed his eyes, glancing back at the window, wondering whether or not he'd mistaken the moon for the sun. He didn't.

He sighed and looked at the clock, 2:45 am. He stood up and walked down to the kitchen, looking for Hayden. He looked at the island, Hayden's head laid on his arm, school books were strewn around him. "Hayden, honey, wake up," Caspian said, gently patting his shoulder. Hayden jumped, his head shooting up.

"Fuck, what time is it?" Hayden asked.

"About three, why?" Caspian asked, picking up his textbook and looking over it. "Are you having a hard time?"

"Yeah, math isn't really my strong suit," Hayden admitted, rubbing the back of his head. "This assignment is due in the morning, and I haven't even gotten through four problems." Caspian sighed and picked up the paper he was working on.

dx∕dt = 2x (1 - x / 2) - xy

dx/dt = y (9/4 - y²) - x²y

Caspian could practically see the illustration of the nullcline graph. Instead of being two straight lines, one was a circle, which is probably what was causing Hayden to be confused. As the nullclines in the question were not both lines, it can be a little bit more difficult to solve the question.

Caspian could practically see the entirety of the equation working out before his eyes on the blank paper.

Find the equilibrium points. What is the source, and the sink?

dx ∕ dt = 2x (1 - x / 2) - xy

dy/dt = y (9/4 - y²) - x²y

x(2 - x - y)=0 The x-nullcline satisfies the equation. The equation consists of two lines, x = 0 and y = - x + 2. The y-nullcline is the set of points x and y, that satisfy ʸ ⁽ ⁻ˣ² ⁻ ʸ² ⁺ 9/4⁾ ⁼ ⁰. The points would lie on either the line y = 0 or the circle ˣ² ⁺ ʸ² ⁼ 9 / 4⁼ ⁽ 3 / 2 ⁾². The intersection points of the x and y nullclines give the equilibrium points (0,0), (0,3/2), (1+√2 / 4, -√2 / 4) ≈ (1.35, 0.65), (1 - √2 / 4, 1 + √2 / 4) ≈ (0.65. 1.35) and (2,0).

The x and y axis consists of the solution curves... if y = 0, then dx/dt = 0 which gives the answer dx/dt = 2x ( 1 - x / 2). With the same logistics equation, only changed from y to x, where x = 0 and dx/dt = 0, gives the answer of dy/dt = Y (-y² + 9/4). The equilibrium points at y = 0, and y = 3/2. On the phase line, y = 0 is the source and y = 3/2 is the sink.

"What exactly is your teacher asking for? There are no graphs here for you to show the line and circle, nor to graph the equilibrium points, or intersection points." Caspian asked after a couple of moments.

"There's supposed to be a graph?" Hayden groaned.

"Uh, well, if this is what I think it is, there should be. Isn't this a non-linear system?" Caspian asked.

Hayden glanced at the top of his text book, and nodded, glancing up at Caspian. Caspian grabbed Hayden's pen and wrote EP: (0,0), (0,3/2), (1+√2 / 4, -√2 / 4) ≈ (1.35, 0.65), (1 - √2 / 4, 1 + √2 / 4) ≈ (0.65. 1.35), (2,0). Source: y = 0 Sink: y = 3/2

"That's the answer?" Hayden asked.

"Yeah. It's pretty easy if you know how to chart them." Caspian said calmly.

"You didn't have a piece of paper," Hayden said, and Caspian shrugged.

"I don't need one," Caspian said.

"How the hell," Hayden said. "Whatever, all four are done now, so I can put this up. I'm honestly over this worksheet and I don't care if I pass or not." Hayden grabbed the pen and quickly scribbled down what Caspian had written. Caspian rolled his eyes.

"Why don't I solve them for you, and let you get to sleep. I have nothing else to do." Caspian offered, and Hayden shook his head.

"Nah, I definitely would get caught if I turned in work that was actually a hundred percent right," Hayden said, and put his hand on Caspian's spine, his fingers lightly tracing a line on his lower back. "Besides, I need groggy morning sex, and it won't be nearly as much fun if you're exhausted." Hayden teased, and Caspian rolled his eyes.

"I definitely want groggy morning sex, but you paid for college yourself, I don't want you failing out because you didn't understand one worksheet," Caspian said, and Hayden shrugged a little.

"If nothing else, I'll just ask for an extra day if I don't pass it," Hayden said, and Caspian nodded.

"Alright," Caspian agreed, heading towards the stairs.

"Where are you going without me?" Hayden asked, and Caspian smirked and turned around, glancing over his shoulder.

"Well, I thought I may have a three am wank," Caspian said, smiling mischievously before he walked up the stairs, leaving a shocked Hayden sitting at the island.

"Wait for me!" Hayden hollered, drawing out the e and running towards the stairway.

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Caspian could tell something was wrong when Amanda called him at noon on a Wednesday when she was usually in classes. Amanda called once a week, usually after dinner time and she'd already made her weekly call.

"I need to talk to you. Can we meet somewhere?" She asked, he could hear her sit something heavy down. He could hear her shuffled through something.

"Well, I was supposed to pick Hayden up at one," Caspian said and he heard her stop shuffling around whatever she was going through.

"Have Bertram do it or something." She said, and Caspian bit his lip.

"Okay, but can I ask what this is about?" Caspian asked nervously, and he heard her sigh deeply and drop something. She cursed.

"It's about Jeffrey. It's something I think you need to know." She said after a moment of silence and Caspian sucked in a breath, a shot of pain shooting through him.

"Alright, where do you want to meet?" Caspian asked.

"It's eleven-thirty now. What about the coffee shop on fifth and main?" She asked. "We can head out now, and be there by twelve."

"Alright, I'll see you then," Caspian said, and she responded with an okay, and the two hung up and Caspian got ready, shooting Hayden a message saying something had come up and that Bertram would pick him up. He then sent Bertram a message, and grabbed his keys, walking out the door.

~

The coffee shop on fifth and main was slow during the lunchtime hours, so Caspian's drink was ready in seconds, and he was sitting at a table waiting on Amanda. He couldn't help but be nervous about what it was about. Amanda usually never met anywhere but his house, and she normally didn't mind Hayden being around. He couldn't imagine what would be something that she wouldn't want to talk about with Hayden there. Hayden knew everything already, so it seemed weird.

When Amanda walked in, Caspian glanced up and she smiled but it looked forced and he sucked in a breath. She went and ordered a coffee, then came and sat down in front of him. "Hey, I know this is a bit last minute, but it isn't anything I thought could wait. I wish that I could've done this somewhere else, but... there wasn't really any time."

"What wasn't there time for?" Caspian asked.

"Well, there is something that... is going to come out about the crash tomorrow. The company of the car that dad crashed in investigated the supposed error in the car that caused the crash and... well." She stopped. She looked stuck for a moment.

"What is it?" Caspian asked, and she bit her lip.

"It wasn't... the error came from the crash, it didn't cause the crash," Amanda said, and Caspian sucked in a breath and looked over her.

"What does that mean?" He asked her.

"Jeffrey drove into the tree on purpose." She said, and Caspian put his hand over his mouth and shut his eyes, sucking in a deep breath. He was fighting back waves of tears as she leaned forward. She leaned forward and put her hand on Caspian's other hand which was clenched on the table in front of him. "Mom... Well, she found a couple of letters right after it happened. I haven't read yours. I wanted to tell you, but... it seemed like it'd just make it worse on you."

Amanda put her purse on top of the table and shuffled through it, handing him the letter. He took it, his hands shaking a little. "You guy knew?" He asked.

"I... I know you're angry, and that we should've told you. But, the cops had already told you it was an accident, and that it had to have been an error in the car. We, well... we always hoped maybe once the investigation was over, they'd find that an error really did happen and it wasn't what it seemed like." Amanda said.

He looked over the envelope, Caspian in Jeffrey's delicate scrawl written across the front of it. He just nodded and looked away from her, unable to think. His mind was running a thousand miles a minute with confusion. He felt an ache in his chest he hadn't felt in the longest time, a deep and permanent reminder of the first man he'd ever loved.

Damnit, he needed a drink.

~~

Caspian had lost track of time, drinks turned into dinner and he found himself gripping his phone in his hand. He was dizzied, one hand gripping the bar he was sitting at, and the other trying to unlock his phone. He couldn't seem to type his password in, though. The barkeep came over, and took his glass, placing it down behind the bar. "You want me to call someone?" The keep offered, and Caspian shook his head, remembering his fingerprint scanner.

When he opened the phone, his blurry bright white screen popped up and he saw a total of like thirty missed calls and a slew of messages. Everyone from Amanda and Hayden to Jeffrey's wife had called him. He clicked on Hayden's contact and the call button.

Three rings in and Hayden answered, "Hello, Caspian? Where are you?" Hayden worriedly said into the phone.

"Can you pick me up?" Caspian said, his words slurred together but it was still understandable.

"Where are you?" Hayden asked, and Caspian shrugged.

"I don't really know how I got here." Caspian sighed, leaning forward and resting his hand on his fist. "I think it's Smitty's or something."

"Sammy's," the barkeep called and Caspian nodded.

"Sammy's. It's Sammy's." Caspian said. He heard the sound of keys jingling.

"I'll be there soon. Don't drink anything else." Hayden said. Caspian nodded, laying his head down and forgetting the phone for a minute. "I love you," Hayden said, and Caspian felt a smile spread on his face for a moment. He looked down at the bar where the letter laid. He felt a pang in his chest again and sighed deeply.

"He did it on purpose," Caspian muttered and sighed.

"What?" Hayden asked.

"Jeffrey... did it on purpose." Caspian groaned. "He did it on purpose." And then he sobbed and sobbed, his heart shattering all over again.

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"Let's go to Paris," Caspian said, sipping on a glass of wine. "I know it's last-minute but... I need out of here." Caspian glanced over his shoulder to the news, which he'd silenced earlier in the day. The news had been playing something about Jeffrey and his accident. He had been hearing it for a few days, had reporters contacting him for comments even, and he couldn't escape it here in the states.

"Sure, when did you want to go?" Hayden asked, and Caspian sighed and pulled out an envelope and handed it to Caspian. "So, in three hours?" Hayden asked, and Caspian smiled hesitantly and swished his wine around in his glass.

"I figured you'd say sure," Caspian said and sighed. "Honestly, I hoped you'd say yes. I need out of this house, I need out of the states," he explained, sipping his wine slowly.

"I understand," Hayden said. "I'll call the school tomorrow and come up with an excuse."

~

Twelve hours later, Caspian was sitting on the balcony in a hotel in Paris, a glass of wine in one hand and a book in the other. He'd started reading it on the plane ride and had fallen asleep. He really wanted to finish it. Hayden was on the phone with his professor, and Caspian had nothing to do but, well, read.

He could hear Hayden talking, faintly, over the sound of the city. Car horns, people yelling in french, his problems seemed nonexistent now. He didn't have to hear about Jeffrey, his suicide or accident or--or whatever. He just wanted distance, he wanted to breathe. To be free from the memories of Jeffrey. He seemed to be everywhere Caspian looked, and while he loved Jeffrey, knowing that Jeffrey committed suicide... really made him feel hopeless.

If Jeffrey chose to end it, why shouldn't he? He glanced in at Hayden and sighed. Hayden, Hayden is why. Flashes of Jeffrey's letter ran through his mind, and he suddenly hated having a nearly eidetic memory. He was just short or eidetic. He'd trained himself to remember everything as a child, his father was a strict military man. He'd been hard to please from the beginning, and he only got worse as he got older. His father had used an old military tactic to teach him to remember things. It wasn't pleasant, but he appreciated it in the long run. Now not so much, though.

The letter replayed in his head like a mantra, and without a distraction, he felt like he was drowning. He sipped his wine and read his book, forcing himself to concentrate. A hand came down and set on his shoulder, and he jumped, then glanced up at Hayden who smiled. Caspian smiled back and placed his bookmark in the book and sat it down on the table.

Hayden picked it up and waved it a little, raising an eyebrow. "The narrative of John Smith..." Caspian shrugged, "No, I mean, it sounds riveting. Truly," Hayden said and sat it down.

"So what has been decided?" Caspian asked.

"Well, the teachers are going to email me my coursework as it comes, and I can turn it in when I get home," Hayden said and put his hand on Caspian's leg. "How are you feeling? Better since getting out of the city?"

"Definitely. I was thinking... Maybe we should sell the house." Caspian said, biting his lip and picking at his nails. He couldn't remember when it was that he'd started that bad habit after Jeffrey had died, but he couldn't stop it.

"Sell the house? I mean it's your house, if you want to sell it you can." Hayden said and shrugged a little.

"I just... Ever since I read that letter, nothing feels the same. He chose to leave me, it wasn't an accident." Caspian said. "I cried for him, I begged him to come back." Caspian paused to take a hefty sip of wine. "I just... feel so..." He trailed off.