1-800-BALLOON

"Thank you for calling 1-800-BALLOON, where the hottest women blow the biggest balloons just for you!"

Scott was so startled that he nearly dropped his phone as he fumbled for the end call button.

Holy crap, he thought, it's real!

Scott had been leafing through the pages of the porn magazine that had just come in the mail (DDDelicios: America's Horniest Heavy-Hootered Hotties!). He knew it was silly, with so much free porn on the Internet, but Scott liked his porn in hard-copy form. He usually skimmed through articles quickly, noting the best whacking material and saving it for later. If he played his cards right, he could get two weeks out of every issue. He always skimmed the phone sex ads carefully — not that he would ever call one, but sometimes the pictures and the phrases were hot enough for him to rub one out, and that made the magazines last longer.

This time, it was the usual fare.

"I'm lonely and I need it in my ass! Call me now!"

"He's going to make me take his ten-inch cock! Wanna listen?"

"I'll blow the big ones for you, baby!"

The last headline stopped him cold, his hand in mid-stroke. The phrase was one he'd fantasized about hearing on more occasions than he could remember, though probably not in the context it was used here. In the world of phone sex ads, phrases like this were usually followed by a phone number like 1-800-BLOW-JOB or 866-DEP-THRT.

But there was something different about this ad. It showed a naked blonde with shoulder-length hair, athletically built with pert, upturned breasts and an ass that must have taken the photo editor hours to perfect. In her mouth was not the cock he was expecting, but a great big balloon.

She wasn't blowing it. It was deflated, dangling limply from smiling lips. For all Scott knew, it could have been added in Photoshop. But it was definitely a balloon. A big balloon. And the phone number underneath made it clear what kind of big ones she would blow for her callers: 1-800-BALLOON.

A phone sex line for looners? It couldn't be! And yet there it was.

Scott had never called a phone sex line in his life. He told himself he would never call a phone sex line.

But... balloons?

Well, why the hell not?

And so he dialed—and hung up as soon as he heard the voice answer. I can't. I can't!

Oh, go on, don't be such a chicken, he told himself.

Scott dialed again.

"Thank you for calling 1-800-BALLOON, where the hottest women blow the biggest balloons just for you!" the cheery voice repeated.

"Hi, I-" but apparently Scott wasn't talking to a human. Not yet, at least.

"Before we get started, please type in the number of your credit card!" said the overly-happy recorded voice. "Don't worry, our live balloon-blowing babes will ask for confirmation before your credit card is charged!"

Well, thought Scott, in for a penny, in for a million-dollar scam. He fished through his wallet for an old credit card with a low limit and punched in the numbers.

"Thank you!" said the robo-voice. "If you know the extension of the lusty-lunged lady you'd like to blow for you, please enter it now. Otherwise, in a few words, tell me what kind of babe you want to blow balloons for you!"

Scott was taken by surprise,. He had no idea phone sex lines were interactive.

"Oh, uh..."

"I'm sorry, I didn't understand that. You can say anything, like busty, petite, dominant, submissive, blonde, brunette, old, young, or anything you like! If you know the extension of the lusty-lunged lady you'd like to blow for you, please enter it now. Otherwise, in a few words, tell me what kind of babe you want to blow for you?"

"Um... busty," Scott said.

"I think you said 'busty'. Is that right?"

"Yes..."

"Great! Hold on while I find the perfect balloon-blowing girl for you!" There was a click, and then. "It seems like all of our ladies are busy huffing and puffing for other horny guys! Please hold just a-"

Then there was another click, and a new voice answered. This one was clearly live, and sounded as bored as the other voice was excited.

"Thank you for calling 1-800-BALLOONS, where the hottest women blow up the biggest balloons just for you." she said in a dull monotone. "My name is Laura, and I'm a busty brunette babe with a great set of lungs. I'll huff and I'll puff and blow my big balloons until you pop. What's your name, stud?"

"Uh... Scott," said Scott, wondering if he should have used a pseudonym, and then wondering why he used a credit card in his own name.

"Hi Scott," said the bored voice. "What can I blow for you?"

"Well, uh... a balloon, I guess," Scott stammered.

The bored voice gave a bored sigh. "That's all we do here, Scott. I'm gonna need some more specifics."

Scott had always wondered what would happen if he encountered a looner babe in real life. This was as close as he had gotten, and he was failing miserably.

"I, uh... sorry, I just have never done this before. I don't know how it works."

Laura sighed again. Scott heard the shuffling of paper, and Laura sounded like she was reading.

"Welcome to 1-800-BALLOON, where the hottest women blow the biggest balloons just for you. We have all sizes and shapes of balloons and you can listen to us blow each and every one. Your credit card will be charged for the balloons you want blown. Pricing is based on the size of the balloon and whether you want it popped. You can see a still photo of your balloon-blowing babe for a modest fee. Sorry, video is not available. At the end of the call, you will have the opportunity to leave a gratuity. Remember, a good blow deserves a good tip." Scott heard more paper shuffling, and then the bored voice was back. "So what do you want, Scott?"

"Uh, what does it cost to see you?"

"Ten bucks for three pictures," said Laura.

"Uh, okay."

"Yes, you want them?" Laura asked.

"Yes, please," said Scott.

"OK." Laura sounded like she was reading again. "This is to verify that you have authorized me to charge your credit card in the amount of ten dollars in exchange for pictures of the babe who is going to blow big balloons for you. Please say yes to confirm."

"Yes."

"Thanks," Laura said, and read off a URL. He quickly fired up his laptop. The first picture showed a 20-something young lady with short black hair who looked as bored as she sounded. The top of two massive milky-white breasts spilled out from a big black leather bustier. In the next photo, the bustier was gone, revealing two enormous pale-white breasts in all their glory. Her pale pink aerolae were the size of dinner plates, and nipples that looked like they were as big around as Scott's thumb stared balefully at the floor.

In the third photo, Laura had her lips to a massive lightbulb-shaped balloon that looked to Scott like a Q24. Her cheeks were puffed as big as grapefruits. The balloon looked full and ready to burst, and yet Laura still looked bored.

"That's really you?" Scott asked.

"Yep, that's me, honey," said the bored brunette.

"You're, uh, you're really busty," Scott said, immediately feeling foolish.

"Yeah, I know, I'm the one who has to lug them around."

"I mean, um, you're really pretty, too, not just because you're busty, you're, uh-"

"Listen, sweetie, I know you're nervous, but I only make money when I'm blowing balloons. If you're not ready, I can give you my extension and we can talk another time. Otherwise, I'd like to move this along, okay?"

"Oh, yeah, uh, sorry. So, uh, how do we do this?"

"You pick a balloon and I blow it. You want it popped, I pop it. Not rocket science, hon."

"What sizes do you have?"

"Anything you can think of, hon, from six inches to six feet. Round balloons, airships, donuts, hearts, twister balloons, GLs, whatever you want. Round balloons are a buck an inch up to 30 inches, two bucks a foot beyond that, pricing for other shapes varies. We're having a sale on GL500s and GL700s, pay for two and I'll blow up the third one for free. You can buy the balloons I blow, or whatever's left of them, for ten dollars each. Now, what do you want?"

"Wait, you can blow up a GL700?" Scott asked in disbelief.

"I wouldn't be working here if I didn't," Laura said.

"By—by mouth?" Scott stammered.

"That's the only way we blow them around here, hon," she replied.

"Holy shit! I mean... I mean, oh my! How long does that take?"

"Not as long as this conversation. Listen, hon, I need to you pick a balloon here, otherwise I gotta get off the phone. I get paid to blow, not to jabber. I've got quotas here, sweetheart.

"I, um... sorry, there's just a lot to think about," Scott stammered.

Laura sighed. "Why don't you start with something small. Nine inches. Cost ya less than ten bucks, and you can see if you like it. How about that?"

"Yeah, that sounds great," Scott said.

"Good choice," Laura said. "This is to verify that you have authorized me to charge your credit card in the amount of nine dollars for me to blow up a nine inch balloon. Please say yes to confirm."

"Yes," Scott said.

"Good," Laura said. "What color you want, hon?"

"Holy shit," Scott said. "This is really going to happen. You're really going to blow up a balloon for me?"

Laura sighed. "Not if you don't pick a color, sweetie."

"Oh, uh... Blue. I like blue."

"Okay, one blue nine-inch balloon coming right up. You want me to pop it?"

"Yes, please."

"How?"

"Oh, uh... would it be okay to blow it to popping?"

"It's your dime, I'll pop it however you want."

"Oh, um... of course. Yes, blow it to popping, uh, please."

"You got it," Laura said in her bored voice. "I'm stretching the balloon so it'll blow nice and big." He heard the twang of latex. "Now I'm going to blow..."

He heard her draw in a deep breath, then the unmistakable sound of air rushing into latex. My God, he thought, this is really happening! This woman is blowing up a balloon for me! His cock rapidly grew o full size. The whoosh continued for a long time. Clearly, Laura had some serious lungpower.

He heard the sound of her inhaling, and he could picture her pale breasts pushing against the leather of the bustier. He thought about asking her what she was wearing, then decided not to. There was another long whooooooosh as Laura blew another long breath into the balloon.

"You want to see your balloon, hon?" Laura asked.

"What? Oh, uh... yes, yes please," Scott said. There was a pause, the sound of some keys clicking, and then Laura said, "You still got my pictures up?"

"Oh yeah," Scott said. He didn't know if he should tell Laura he'd been looking at the pictures of her big naked breasts.

"Reload the page," Laura said. Scott did, and there, below the three photos, was a fourth one. It was Laura, her hair tied back. She wasn't wearing the bustier; intead she had on a light blue t-shirt, which was apparently very thin, because he could see her two big nipples poking through the cotton. She was holding a pale blue balloon. Scott was surprised at just how big it was, since she had blown just two breaths blown into it.

"Holy fuck!" Scott said. "You're really blowing that balloon for me!"

"Yep, I'm really blowing the balloon for you," Laura drawled in her bored voice.

"Can I, uh... could you possibly, uh, take a picture while you... uh... while you blow?"

"Whatever you want, loverboy," Laura said. He heard her draw in another breath, then blow another long, hard lung-full of air into the balloon.

"Reload the page again," she said, and this time there was a fifth picture of Laura blowing. One hand was holding the neck to her lips, the other outstretched to an unseen keyboard. The balloon had grown so big that it was starting to go pear-shaped, and Laura's cheeks were inflated like small balloons themselves.

Scott felt a drop of precum dribble out of his cock.

"How did you..." the words forming in his mind were almost enough to push him over the edge to orgasm. "How did you, uh, blow it so big, so fast?"

"It's what I do, hon," said the bored voice. "I blow up balloons for horny guys like you. You get good at it after a while. Listen, we need to move on. Why don't you direct me a little? Most guys like that."

"Oh, er, yeah," Scott said. As a matter of fact, he had always fantasized about telling a woman to blow up a balloon. No, not just telling her... making her. He actually had dreams about this with his ex-girlfriend, the first one he had ever trusted enough to tell about his balloon fetish. (She told him he was a sick pervert and that she would never do anything like that, then broke up with him and started going out with Joey Silman, who Scott knew for a fact liked to be peed on.) In his fantasy, he was making her blow up a three foot balloon. She'd beg him to stop, cry even, say she was winded, say she couldn't blow any more, it was way too big, she was too scared, but he would insist. Blow it, you bitch! he would yell. Blow it some more! Blow it until it fucking pops! She'd whimper, "Yes, sir," and blow yet another puffy-cheeked breath into the giant balloon, slowly swelling it until it couldn't take any more. Inevitably, he blew his own load before the balloon in his fantasy got anywhere close to popping...

"We gonna do this, or what, hon?" Laura said impatiently.

"Oh, yeah, sorry..." For some reason, he was almost too nervous to say the next word. "Blow."

"What was that, hon?" said Laura.

"I said... I said blow, please."

"You have to stop mumbling, balloon boy."

"Blow it!" he said. "Blow the balloon bigger!" he said.

"Now that's better," Laura said, and he could almost hear the wink. He heard her inhale and fill her massive lungs, and then another whoooosh as she blew into the balloon, hard and fast.

"Blow again!"

Again, she inhaled and again she blew.

"It's getting pretty big, hon," Laura said. "I don't think it'll take much more. You wanna see?"

"Yes!" Scott heard the clicking of her keyboard, and he reloaded the web page. His first thought was, that balloon is doomed! There was busty Laura, holding a balloon with a giant neck. He had seen plenty of videos of balloons being blown up, and he had never heard of anyone filling a nine-inch balloon in so few breaths. But he was listening and he heard it all.

"Blow again!" he said.

"Are you sure?" Laura said. "I think if I blow it any bigger, it's going to pop."

Were this happening in real life, Scott would have hesitated. Balloons popping still made him jump. Scared him, if he was honest. But Laura was on the phone, goodness knows how far away. How loud could it be? He thought of his fanasty about his ex-girlfriend.

"Yes! Do it! Blow it for me! Pop it!" Scott strokes his steel-stiff rod, on the edge of orgasm. If he could time it right so he came when she popped it...

"Okay, hun." He heard Laura took a deep breath and start to blow. This time, the balloon squealed in protest. As he heard the noise of her powerful lungs blowing the balloon to its destruction. He could looked at the picture of her puffed up cheeks and wondered what it would be like to hold one of those heavy breasts in his hand as her powerful lungs did their cataclysmic work. He closed his eyes and imagined what it would be like to squeeze her big, fleshy-

BANG!!

The noise of the balloon exploding was so loud that Scott nearly jumped out of his skin. Because it didn't just come out of the phone. It seemed to come from all around him. He felt the concussion in the pit of his stomach as the balloon exploded, the latex no longer able to contain the powerful force of Laura's breath. The room seemed to shake, and his ears rang as if Laura had blown the balloon to bursting right next to them. He didn't cum; in fact he was so startled that he nearly lost his hard-on.

"What the fuck was that?!" he asked.

"That was me blowing your balloon to bursting," she said. "Look at the web page." Scott reloaded, and there was Laura, a smirk on her face, holding out the balloon... or at least what remained of it. There was a tiny piece of the nozzle with a few shards of latex attached.

"That's all that's left," she said. "The rest is about a million shards that flew all over the place."

"So it popped into little pieces?"

"Yep," she said. "You told me to blow it to popping for you, so I blew it to popping."

"Yes," Scott said, "I told you to..." and as the words tumbled through his head, his cock exploded in a massive orgasm. "Oh, my God!"

"I know that sound," Laura laughed. "I guess something else just popped."

"It did! That was amazing!" Scott said.

"I'm glad you liked it," Laura said. "Did you want me to blow another one?"

"I think I should wait a while, but, uh, can I have your extension?"

"Of course," Laura said, and gave it, then launched into a speech that sounded like she was reading again. "Thank you for calling 1-800-BALLOON. It made me really hot and wet to blow that balloon for you. We have lots of horny women, all ready to huff and puff and make your looner fantasies come true. Call back and let us blow for you again."

There was a click, and Jeff sat, staring at his phone.

Then he realized what an idiot he was. Why did he only have her blow a nine-inch balloon? Why not a 16? Or a three footer? Or one of those giant GL1200s? Why didn't he ask to see pictures of other balloon blowing babes? Jeff tried to remember what the limit was on the credit card he used as he hurriedly hit the redial button on his phone.

"We're sorry, the number you have dialed is not in service..."