10 Years a Slave - A Memoir Ch. 03

8 - The one when I shattered my ego

Bear with me, I have stories to tell until I get how I ended up a full-time slaveboy for this sweet girl. And how I learned to love her regardless.

Also, I think a reminder would be useful that it is not a story with all the details. Even though I am trying to stick to the reality, please keep that in mind that it's just parts of what happened. I am trying to remember the most important bits of this memoir, and skip some parts where I think it'd work better.

Two days ago, when I was trying to remember that night, I got a strange thought. It occured me that it might be her plan from the beginning, if she somewhat managed to see my "potential", she might have led our relationship to this point intentionally. So, I asked about that night and before to Ellie. It's already a distant past, and she is done with me. So I trust that she told me the truth. She told me that it definitely was not her plan, and what happened was happened totally naturally between us. To be honest, I felt relieved when I heard that. I thought at least she didn't saw me as her obedient slave since the day one, and I had the taste of real, intimate love of this beautiful woman at least for some time.

Anyways, let's get back to the timeline.

...

It was just couple days before the new year eve of 2014, and I was officially a cuckold -I admit that I learned such a word, and such a thing exist quite a while later. But at least she was visibly happier after that night. I was basically being lovebombed for the next couple weeks. But once in a while, she was saying something which hits me right in the feels. One that I still remember happened when we were with our friends. We were talking about a guy in the college who got caught while cheating her girlfriend, she told that noone should forgive a cheater, as if someone betrays you once, it's certain that he'll do it again. Then she turned me and asked if I ever cheated on her, which I replied saying I'd never do that. Then she said, in front of everyone, that she would, if she could find a discreet guy. Everyone laughed but me. She didn't stop there, and added that I'd forgive her anyways as I love her so much. She was basically teasing me right in front of all of our friends, in the disguise of a joke. I pushed myself to laugh, and told her that I do not believe that she could cheat on me as she loves me more than I love her. The girls in the table "aww"ed us, while she kissed my cheek and said "that's true." But, I couldn't stop thinking about what she just did for a while.

I was also realising that our day-to-day relationship was changing slowly too. As I said before, she was getting bossy, and demanding. We were perfectly happy if she is happy, but if there is something that bothers her, it was getting pretty big quickly. I didn't realise how serious it is getting back then. I was happy with our relationship, unorthodox sex life, and I was learning to not mind her occassional comments -or insults maybe?- about that guy you know.

It was around the beginning of February 2014. I remember that she was acting a little strange in the bed lately, and was busy with herself more than she was paying attention to me. I was trying hard to make her happy but no avail. I was pretty sure what was happening, but afraid to brought the topic. But she did on a saturday morning while we were having a breakfast. Yeah, you guessed right. She told me that she needs to have sex with someone.

I had no words to say. I remember that I was thinking it's not a thing that men usually hear from their girlfriends. I thought I am special.

"Why are you laughing?" She asked. I was apparently smiling out of pity to myself.

"I know that I agreed on that Ellie, but it still hurts to hear it."

"I know, babe. But I can't wait until the summer."

"How can I overcome this? I don't want to see you going to someone else. I can't imagine myself sitting in my room while you're out there fucking someone. I was afraid of this moment."

She was watching me with a compassion in her eyes. I stood up, and left the kitchen slowly. She followed me to the living room, sat next to me on the couch, and hugged me. I left myself on her arms, and put my head to her chest.

"I know it is hard babe. It's hard for me too. We'll overcome this. Let's not talk about it now." And we fell silent for a while. Then, we carried on our day as if nothing happened.

It was a couple of days later. I was preparing the dinner while Ellie was out with her friends. Then, suddenly she opened the door and I heard her cheerful voice, calling me. I went to greet her, and she immediately jumped on my arms, her slim legs wrapped to my body, she whispered:

"I have an idea."

We talked about her idea while having our dinner. It was simple, she thought that if I knew how she feels like while having sex, I'd be more willing to let her do it more often. As painful as it sounds, she was planning to tell me what happened between her and the guy, in detail. "Without skipping anything" as she said. I told her that I'm not sure if I'd like to hear it. Her smiling face dropped suddenly, and she left the table. This time it was my turn to follow her to the couch. I tried to get close to her, but she pushed me away.

"You are the most selfish person I know." she said.

"You know that I am not baby, let's talk."

"No. I was trying to find a way to make both of us happy, but you only think of yourself. You don't care about me at all."

"No Ellie, listen..."

"No! You listen for once! I am thinking about it all the time, and trying to come up with solutions. Not with more problems like you. Tell me right now if you have any idea about how we can make it work? If you really care about me, you should have. It's been three days since I told you what I want. Tell me, if you thought about it even for a moment?"

"I can't even think about something else Ellie. It's just too hard for me to come to terms with this. Please try to comprehend how I feel for once."

"So now you are blaming me? Do you really think that I don't comprehend? What do you think I was doing since that night? I gave you enough time to accept it. Then I told you what I want. Then I came up with a plan to make you feel better. While you are just sitting on your ass with those puppy eyes? And you blame me now?"

(Well, wow. She was an artist on guilt-tripping, and how naive I was! Even though I have no regrets for the last 10 years, I have to say that she was -and still is- a master manipulator.)

"I'm sorry Ellie, I didn't think like that."

"Can't believe how selfish you are!"

"I am really sorry. I have to do my part in this relationship as well. You were open to me since the beginning. You never tried to fool me. Now I have to be strong for you. The strongest of all. I will overcome my feelings. I'm sorry."

She was sitting on the corner of the couch, her legs tucked under her, and her face was looking away from me. I continued miserably:

"I know that you deserve it Ellie. I will support you. I know that you are working so hard for this relationship to work. and I promise you that I will work very hard too."

"I don't believe that you are really invested in us. You should've done all these already. You didn't. And you have no excuses. Why should I believe that you will work hard for us? For me?"

"I swear I will! Give me some time, I swear I will do whatever I can do make you happy."

She turned her head to me, looked into my eyes.

"Then prove it."

"I will. I promise."

"Stop promising, I want it now."

"But how?"

"Beg me, like you did before."

After a second of silence, I moved from where I sat, and got on my knees in front of my girlfriend. Just like a couple months ago. I lowered my head, locked my eyes to the floor, and started begging:

"Please forgive my baby. I apologise from you. I beg you to accept my apology. I will be more supportive, and I will do everything to make you happier. And I will work hard for our relationship."

I raised my eyes from the floor, and our eyes met. I remember that I did not see much love in those eyes, but something else, something I have never seen before.

"Why is it so hard for you to accept that I will sleep with someone else?"

"Because that I love you, and the idea of you being with someone else is unbearable."

"So, it is completely your selfish reasons."

"No, I didn't mean it."

"This is what I heard."

"I'm sorry, you got me wrong."

"Tell me how do you feel when I tell you that I'll fuck someone else."

"I feel humiliated."

We both felt silent. It was an honest, candid confession. I was really feeling humiliated when I think her with someone else. But it was the first time I told it to Ellie.

"But I don't get it. We talked about it. And we agreed. It was the key of our relationship. Why is it so humiliating for you? Aren't you satisfied from our own sex life?"

"I am. I still have the same passion to you as I had in our first day. And it's all thanks to you, and our rule. But I am satisfied with what I have, and I'm OK to wait for the time to arrive."

"And you are also OK to me having sex with other people meanwhile. Tell me why is it humiliating?"

"Wouldn't you feel bad if I have sex with someone else?"

"It's not what I asked for. But I'll answer. I would feel bad, because it would mean that I'll lose you. But I wouldn't feel humiliated. It's just sex. A stick and a hole. And some hormones. Just a stupid instinct. It's not superior to a genuine relationship, like what we have. Tell me why is it humiliating?"

"I don't know, Ellie."

"Because of your ego."

I was silent again.

"So, like I said, you are being selfish."

"I'm sorry."

"I swear that I will not forgive you if you say that you are sorry once again!" she replied with a threatening tone in her voice. I did not know what to do. So, I broke the eye contact, and turned my eyes to the floor again.

"Would you shatter your ego for our relationship? For me?"

"I would."

.....

Writing all these makes me realise that she is really, really smart. More than I knew. And she is an amazing manipulator. No wonder why she is quite successful in this life, while I am just a failed man. When these things are happening real time, and when you are a 20-year old stupid boy, you lost your touch with reality. And just got carried over. I feel bad for this young boy sometimes. But 10 years is a very long time. Especially if you dedicate it to one person, to love of your life. So, if you feel sorry for myself, please don't. I'm still happy to dedicate my youth to Ellie.

PS: I would get a good punishment for saying such things a couple years ago, but she lost her interest in me lately anyways. If she reads this, she would just probably laugh now.

...

Here I was, kneeling in front of the love of my life and about to shatter my ego for her.

"Tell me then."

"I'm ready to shatter my ego for you Ellie."

"Ah... please be a little original."

I thought for a while to put together a nice sentence:

"I am willing to leave my pride behind for you Ellie. And I'm willing to embrace humiliation for you. I will kill my ego, and dedicate myself to us, to you."

"That was impressive. Now you need to show it."

She changed her position, and crossed her legs while sitting on the same spot. It made a quite impressive change on her posture. Now she was looking like a mighty queen, especially if you were kneeling in front of her. But I didn't know how to show my willingness to shatter my ego, so I just looked at her until she says something:

"Kiss my foot."

I knew that I already crossed the Rubicon, so did not object to her. I slowly reached out to her foot swinging near my face. But she stopped me:

"No, the other one."

So, the one that is firmly on the ground. She was pushing me to bow all the way in front of her, and kiss her foot. Well, you guessed right. I did. I reached out to her foot, and started kissing slowly. I continued for a while, then I heard her voice:

"Now, beg me again to forgive you for being selfish."

"Please forgive me for being so selfish baby. I beg you. Please for....

"I did not tell you to stop kissing." I felt a gentle pat on the back of my head. And I begged as much as anyone can beg, while kissing on top of her foot between sentences. She didn't say anything, but I felt the tap again on the back of my head. I thought it was the signal ending our weird apology session, I raised my head. Our eyes met, and I saw her smile. It was not full of sweetness, as I was used to. But it was something else. It was a smile of a powerful woman, who is just figuring out how powerful she is.

"Now, kiss the bottom of the other feet slowly, and beg me to fuck someone."

I don't exactly remember what I thought or feel at that point. It still makes my stomach turn when I think about it. But, I reached out to her other foot, and started kissing the arch:

"Please, you deserve it Ellie. Please have sex with a man..."

"I said "fuck", not "sex"."

"Go and fuck someone else Ellie. Whoever you want. You deserve to be satisfied. I will stay faithful to you no matter what. Please, fuck a man and get what I can't give you. You deserve everything my love. I love you. I belong to you."

Between the kisses on the bottom of her feet, and my pathetic begging for my girlfriend to get fucked, I saw that Ellie's hand was in her pants. Her head was tilted back, and she was rubbing herself. She was basically masturbating. So, I stopped talking completely

started kissing her foot passionately. It was basically a french kiss between me and her feet now. She continued rubbing herself for a while, until at some point where she basically grabbed my hair, pushed my face to her pussy, and soon she orgasmed. Intensely.

After a short while, once she calmed down, she looked down at me. I was still between her legs, with my head resting on her thigh. She brushed my hair softly, and told me that she is proud of me, and I am the bravest person she knews. She also added that she is so happy that we are finally settled this issue. I just stood where I was, and listened her.

Then, she gently pushed me aside and went over the bathroom.

9 - The one where we set the rules

...

We sat down until late that night. Just about an hour after kissing my girlfriend's foot and begging her to fuck someone else, now we were sitting accross each other on the kitchen table, sipping a tea and talking about stuff. Now thinking, it was weird, really weird under any circumstances.

Eventually we started talking about what we are going to do next. We agreed that we will set the ground rules, and will not break them no matter what.

Our baseline were quite straightforward. She was allowed to have sex whenever she wants, with whomever she wants. But there were some ground rules:

First; Not with anyone whom we know in common. Or anyone I know, or anyone our friends know. Or anyone we or our friends can meet. So, basically the guys she'll see will be total strangers, and will stay like that. Also she promised me to keep her adventures private, and not to talk about them even with her closest friends. As she will be with total strangers on her dates, I was responsible from her safety. I should be on proximity when she is on a date, and ready to help in case she needs. Only exception to this rule was the summer-break guy. She ensured me that he was trustworthy and would not tell anyone. (At that point I also learned that he knew that she had a boyfriend when they were hanging out. But I told myself that that it doesn't matter anymore. I only asked her to never introduce us to each other. Which was quite easy given that he was living basically at the other side of the country.)

Second; She should keep the personal details in minimum. She should not tell her dates where and what she study, where she lives, or any relevant personal information. She could use her real name, and also if she prefers she was allowed to reveal that she has a boyfriend.

Third; She would need my permission, but I had no rights to deny my permission without any obvious reasons. I will know where she found the guy, and when and where they will be hanging out. This was also partly to make sure that she is safe. And if he does not pose any risk, I had no right to object her to hang out with the guy.

Fourth: She was free to do whatever she wants in her dates. There were no boundaries I could ask her to stay within. Everything was allowed. She was free to explore her sexuality to the limit. But, she was always going to use protection, basically no sex without condoms. No exceptions.

Fifth: She had a right to find a date every two weeks on Friday nights, and I had to actively help her finding dates. But meanwhile she would not ignore our sex life. We would continue our own sex life like before. The exception for that rule was she could willingly decide not to find a date if she doesn't feel like it, but if she tries and can't find a suitable date, I also had to sacrifice from my orgasms until she finds one. Basically, I would continue my duties (ie. oral sex, foreplay, and "The Dick") but I should not expect anything in return from her. It felt a bit unfair to me, but she insisted to put this exception to make sure that I willingly help her finding dates.

Sixth: She was allowed to talk about her experiences openly with me. With the level of detail she will decide. I wasn't allowed to be upset about whatever she tells me, and should be clearly supportive. And also if she decides not to talk about it, I wasn't allowed to ask for details, or anything.

Seventh: She was allowed to bring her dates to our home, but only if she does not feel comfortable with going to her date's place, or a hotel. I wasn't allowed to object her decision to bring her dates to our home, as I wasn't allowed to question why she didn't feel comfortable. This felt necessary to her, and I had to agree as I was prioritising her safety. Meanwhile I was responsible from keeping the place tidy enough when she has a date, and had to vacate the house before they come.

Eighth: She was allowed to meet with a guy more than once. As trying to find a total stranger every time would potentiall cost me as well, I agreed that. But she should be very open to them about their relationship, that there is only sex between them. If she realises that anyone is getting emotional with her, she must not see them again.

Ninth: She was allowed to spend up to 48 hours with a date at once. So, basically if she goes out on a date on a Friday night, she was allowed to stay until Sunday night. She insisted to put this rule in case she needs more time with one of the guys. In return, she should not make any plans with her friends during that week and spend the rest of the week with me.

Tenth: No photos. She was not allowed to send her pictures, or take pictures during her dates. But she was allowed to receive nudes, and sext with her dates before or after her dates.

So, that was all. I still remember these rules clearly, as I still keep that paper where we wrote these rules down and signed playfully. She was full of life and energy while we were talking about the rules. She was clearly enjoying it so much. And I was somewhat happy to see that she is happy. I was hoping that it would make us a unique and a great couple.

Before moving forward, I want to do some foreshadowing here and talk about how these rules played out later. If you are here to read the story without any spoilers, you can skip the part below. But I feel like talking about them and do some reflections. This is my memoir anyways, isn't it?

.......

Even though they were well-thought, these rules were based on the assumption that we were a genuine couple who loves each other, but wants to do something alternative in private. We obviously stopped being a "genuine couple" after a while, and all of these rules became obsolete. But until then, we tried to follow these. it might be best to talk about them one by one.