2022

My Heart. Where are you? Come to me.

-

The view is incredible. Rolling hills and snow-capped chalets give way to mountain peaks. Where one ends, another begins, until they melt into a band of clouds and the infinite blue sky. It's late afternoon, that time of day in January when everything turns blue.

My breath fogs in front of me; it's cold, but I can barely feel it. The crisp air is exhilarating. It reminds me of home. And besides...I'm a little bit buzzed. I'm on my second glass of Veuve, still wearing my outfit from my screening: a white wool mini dress with long sleeves. My screening. At Sundance. This entire day has felt like a dream.

I think about this time last year: coming out of the two worst, most uncertain years of my life. Feeling numb and hopeless, like I was being tossed around in a stormy sea, with no future on the horizon. But I found my footing again. I made big changes. I put in the work. Even when the pages tried to suck the life out of me, I sat down and wrote them. I've made so many difficult choices, left so much behind. Never settled. I cut people and partners out of my life that I knew didn't align with my purpose. And the Universe took care of me. I took the leap and the net appeared.

I laugh out loud, at the romance and drama of it all. I raise my glass to the air and toast the version of me in 2020 that's dreaming of this. To you, Past Audra. You did us proud.

Strong arms wrap around my waist, and I feel my boyfriend's breath as he nuzzles into my neck. "Boyfriend." What an inadequate word. He's the love of my life. My destiny. My moon. I've never had this kind of quiet understanding with someone. From the first week we met, we knew we'd be together forever.

"Surveying our kingdom, Reina?"

I giggle and dig my free hand into his hair. I pass him my glass. Between sips he takes little nibbles of my neck.

"Now you're in. Next year will be a breeze."

"...If they like the script."

"They will. It makes them look good to have talent return, and especially female directors. A door has opened for you, forever."

I push a creeping anxiety away. Can't I just keep floating? I don't want to think about work right now.

"I hope you're right."

"I'm always right."

I sigh playfully as I lean back against him, and he chuckles. His laugh is so sexy. Warm and dark. He turns me around gently; his brown eyes are hypnotizing.

"Our first Sundance together. Next month, our first Oscars. I want to conquer all of it with you, side by side. Create together, make weird shit, shock, inspire. We'll show the world what love can do."

He cradles my face in his massive hands and kisses me, deeply. We always kiss like the world is ending. It's intense, somehow both destructive and heavenly. When our lips part I smile and gasp, "Fuck, I love you."

And a smile breaks across his face, like it's the first time I said it.

"And I love you."

I reach for his lips again. I feel his hands move downward, from my shoulders to my ass. I bite him gently and he growls in response. One of his hands moves to the front of my dress, stroking my thigh.

"Seeing you on that stage today drove me fucking nuts..."

His hand is inching up my dress now, fingertips getting dangerously close to my core. I smile against his lips and try to lean back.

"I have a meeting, baby..."

But I'm only able to move a few inches, and he presses closer to me. He slips two fingers past my thong and I feel them enter me, then curl. He laughs, taunting me.

"You feel how wet you are?"

My knees start to buckle. He knows this is my kryptonite. He's so goddamn good at it.

"...Yes."

He makes the motion more intense, pulling my hips away from the railing with his fingers.

"Yes, who?"

Our breath dances into a fog between us, as the darkness of evening starts to set in. Lights flicker to life in the valley below.

"Yes, Daddy."

That's what he wanted. He grins.

"Good girl."

He closes the distance between us, bringing his mouth to my ear.

"What time is your meeting?"

"F...Four...thirty."

My voice sounds so weak, like it's caught on something. He continues to finger fuck me as he looks at his watch.

"Okay. I won't make you late. But you'll need to cooperate."

He wraps his free hand around my throat and begins to squeeze. His breath is hot on my ear as he gets close again, working my earlobe with his teeth. Fuck, I love how he smells.

"I want your pussy to be swollen for me later. Which means you're going to cum for me now."

My thighs are shaking now. He's hitting the exact spot, playing me like an instrument. It's infuriating. He's pulling me up, just enough, making my breaths even more shallow.

"Mm, I wish I had time to hurt you. Tonight I'm going to make you cry. Make you beg me for the cane. Because you get off on it, don't you?"

He pulls back so he can look me in the eyes. I know my lids are heavy with pleasure as I struggle to nod. His teeth flash in a predatory grin.

"That's right. You do. And every little whimper, every tear, is mine. Just like this pussy is mine."

He punctuates the statement with a firmer thrust of his fingers, then he brings his thumb to my clit as he continues. The pressure is coming from all sides: the constant motion of his fingers, his hand constricting my throat, his body closing in, his words surrounding me; it's a disorienting amount of pleasure, and it's about to push me over the edge. His body presses me against the railing of the balcony, giving me nowhere to go.

"This, Audra, is my church. I want to worship at your altar."

He licks up the side of my face. It sends a shudder down my spine.

"Today, when I saw you up there—so radiant, so powerful—I couldn't stop thinking about fucking my seed deep into your pussy, marking you forever. Watching your body grow with my baby..."

It's at a fever pitch now. I'm desperate for release. I whimper anew and struggle to form the words I know he's waiting for.

"Shhh. Not yet. Breathe with me."

He inhales deeply and I struggle to match, my throat now raspy from the cold.

"10."

I start to panic. There's no way I can hold that long.

He must feel my pulse quicken under his hand, because he emphatically draws another deep breath.

"10."

A test. I know he'll happily walk away now if I don't give him what he wants. I need release. Find discipline. I focus all of my energy into a pinpoint, take the breath with him.

"9."

His fingers are still working inside of me. I must have made his sleeve a mess; I can feel my juices dripping down my thigh.

"8."

His hand constricts more tightly around my throat.

"7."

It's nearly impossible to get air. I can feel my icy breaths stop on the back of my tongue.

"6."

I wonder if I'm going to pass out.

"5."

My entire body is shaking, so close to losing control.

"4."

He leans back so he can watch my face, his black eyes boring into me.

"3."

A longer pause. The final test.

"2."

He brings his lips to mine, barely brushes my open mouth with his tongue, then bites my mouth as he finally releases me.

"Cum."

An explosion of pleasure; it racks my body in convulsions, stops my thoughts cold. It's like electricity, so strong it's nearly painful. I collapse forward onto him and he holds me, brings one hand under my ass so I don't fall. I feel his breath in my hair, and his cock, painfully hard, through his pants. I'm still shivering as he gently kisses me.

"I love you, Audra. Madly."

I kiss him again.

"Il mio cuore è il tuo per sempre." My heart is yours forever.

He looks like he could cry, smiles gently as he runs his thumb over my lips.

With effort, he turns to his watch.

"You've got thirty minutes. I'll call you a car."

He pulls his fingers from me and sucks them clean, like a treat.

My legs feel weak as we head inside. I close the door to the balcony and he frowns at his phone.

"I guess they lost the bid."

"Shit. You should meet with Mark. I know he doesn't want to be in bed with a studio."

"Yeah. Maybe we can turn it around."

I rush to the bedroom and strip my panties off; they're beyond saving. I head to the bathroom. Oof. My pale skin is flushed, I've got a handprint on my neck, and my under-eyes are stained with mascara.

He leans in the doorway as I quickly brush the knots out of my hair and twist it into a bun.

"Who's your meeting with?"

I take a deep breath, clean my eye makeup.

"Neon. And Louis."

Louis is one of my best friends, and my producer. We've been shopping my feature script around for months, trying to secure funding.

"Fuck yeah. Tell him I said hello."

"I will. God, we're so close. I can feel it."

He smiles at me in the mirror.

"Then go get your money, baby."

I grin back as I put earrings on and roll my collar a bit higher up my neck.

"You want to grab dinner before the party?"

"Yes, just text me when you're out. Is it okay if Paul comes? He wanted to catch up."

"Of course."

I swipe some lipstick across my lips. My eyes drift back to his reflection. Jesus. I can't believe something so perfect is mine. They move downward. I laugh. He's still rock hard, making a bulge so big it's almost comical.

"Baby."

"Hmm?"

He looks up from his phone as I cross the bathroom. The second I reach him my hand is on his cock, gently working over his pants.

My voice is low now, dangerous in its own way.

"Whose is this?"

He chuckles, his lids already heavy.

"Yours, Reina."

He tries to kiss me, but I smile and turn around so my ass is against him, find his eyes in the mirror. He digs his fingers into my hips as I press back into him.

"Good. Because when I leave, I need to be able to trust you not to touch it."

He's beyond hard now; I can feel him throbbing through the fabric that separates us. His breath is heavy on my neck. He grits his teeth.

"I can't wait to fuck that smirk off your face."

I pull one of his hands into mine, draw it to my lips and suck his finger. He groans. His phone starts vibrating.

"Fuck. Car."

I laugh as I pull away, slip on my heels. I hear him take a deep breath to collect himself.

We walk to the door together.

"You gonna be okay?"

He laughs.

"Shut up."

I grab my purse and he gets my coat, wraps it around me. He rests his forehead on mine, takes a deep breath. I join him, try to ground myself in his energy. We're one.

"Rob the bank."

He kisses my forehead, then we do our secret handshake. It's the corniest fucking thing, but it's ours.

I head back into the cold air. The sun is about to set; now it paints blazing pinks and oranges in the sky.

In the back of the car, I smile and shake my head to myself.

A charmed fucking life.