750-05 Meanwhile up in Heaven

Content Note: This is a little story for the 2023 750 Word Project 2023. Beneath this line are exactly 750 words

It was a quiet Saturday night at the pearly gates, and St. Peter was thinking of knocking off early when a paunchy naked guy arrives at the entrance to heaven. "What brings you here?" asked St. Peter, the guardian of the heavenly gates.

"I don't know," said the fat rich man. "I went to have a nice Saturday evening with my mistress in the condo I bought for her. I hadn't had time to see her so when I got there, and she didn't answer the door, I let myself in and slipped off my clothes and went to surprise her. I found wine bottles and her clothing scattered around the apartment!"

"So?" asked St. Peter.

"She's normally a fastidious house keeper, I found her naked in the bedroom and I demanded to know who she was having an affair with, but she denied having an affair, she claims that she was lonely and got drunk and she had made a mess but was cleaning up the apartment. I almost believed her when she said, "You've had a tough week, let me help you feel better," and she knelt down and started blowing me. God that was a great blowjob, the best I've ever had. I grabbed her head and started fucking her mouth, and as she swallowed my cock I looked, and I saw a naked guy hanging from the balcony railing."

"What did you do?" asked St. Peter.

"I went berserk," said the rich guy. "I spend thousands of dollars on this bitch and she's fucking around behind my back? I shoved her away and I went and started hitting his hands, I don't care if we were seven floors up, I wanted him to die! She kept screaming that she didn't know who that guy was, and she had never seen him before, but I didn't care. I grabbed a potted plant and smashed his hands with it, and he fell... I looked over at the side of the railing and saw him get up, I couldn't believe he was alive! Blind with rage I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen onto the patio, I hoisted it over the railing and as I threw the refrigerator at him, I had a blinding pain, a flash of light and suddenly here I was.

St. Peter had seen enough heart attacks to know what had happened. The saint said "Ok, have a seat in the waiting area... Next!" A naked guy stepped up, totally confused. "What brings you here?"

"I don't know," said the naked guy. "I was sunbathing nude on my balcony. I had nodded off and when I woke up from my nap, I noticed that my tanning lotion had rolled to the edge of the balcony. I couldn't pull it back under the railing, so I bent over the top of the railing to reach it and I slipped, and I was hanging from my fingers from the edge of my balcony. I couldn't hold on, so I prayed for a miracle as my grip let go and I fell. Somehow, I caught the railing on the apartment below me and I said, "Praise the lord!"

"Then what happened?" asked St. Peter.

"I don't know," said the naked guy. "As I was pulling myself up on to my neighbor's balcony some crazy guy came out and started smashing my fingers with a potted plant... I tried to hang on, I begged for mercy, the woman with him pleaded for him to stop but he wouldn't stop... I couldn't hold on... I prayed for a miracle, but I lost my grip and fell seven stories."

"That's when you died?" asked St. Peter.

"No!" said the naked guy, "I landed on the entrance canopy, bounced up into the air and landed on a bush, I lived without a scratch, and I shouted, "Praise the lord!"

"So why are you here?" asked St. Peter.

"I don't know," said the Naked Guy. "As I said a prayer of thanks I looked up and saw this refrigerator coming down on me, there was this terrible pain, a flash of light, and here I was."

"If you wait over there, we'll be right with you." St. Peter turned and saw a third naked guy approach. He was fit and handsome yet confused. St. Peter said, "Greetings, why are you here?"

The third guy looked around, shrugged, and said, "I really don't know... ok picture this, I'm crouching, hiding naked in a refrigerator..."