A Change of Heart and Mind

Amanda's eyes got huge and then she looked back at her father and in a loud whisper voice said, "Daaaaad," to see if he had heard what I told her. He nodded his head back.

She moved over on the couch next to me and held my hand, "Me too."

Charlie spoke gently, "Get on with it, Mandy."

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"Nope, I'm an only child."

"What's your favorite color?"

"Green."

"Do you have any pets?"

"Nope. They aren't allowed in my apartment."

"Do you like dogs or cats better?"

"Dogs," I told her, glad we were in less sensitive rounds of questioning.

"Can you swim?"

"Yes."

Can you ride a 2-wheel bicycle?"

"Yes."

"Have you ever ridden a horse?"

"No."

"How about a dolphin?"

"What? Nope." I had to giggle at that one, but she remained serious.

"What's your favorite ride at Disneyland?"

"Oh, I like Peter Pan." That got a big grin out of her.

"Me and Dad like that one too! What's your favorite movie?"

"Star Wars."

"Oh. Which one?"

I got my nerd on with my reply, "Episode five, The Empire Strikes Back." She nodded in approval.

"What's your favorite animal?"

"Bigfoot."

She giggled at that. "Bigfoot isn't an animal, he's a myth." Smart kid.

"OK, let me think... bears. I think bears are cute."

"Are you afraid of the dark?"

"Sometimes."

"Which of these do you not like: spiders, lizards, or frogs?"

"I don't like spiders, I think they're icky. When lizards do push ups in the sun, it makes me laugh, and I just love frogs."

She got up from sitting next to me on the couch putting us at eye level with one another, she threw her arms around my neck. "I like your answers. I think we can be friends. You can call me 'Mandy' if you want to." I looked up to Charlie and got two thumbs up and a big smile. I hadn't felt that good about passing a pop quiz since college.

We had a nice lunch in the shade of the porch. The temperature was in the 90's and his house didn't have air conditioning, something not usually necessary in this part of California. We made our sandwiches and it was fun watching Mandy make all sorts of funny combinations. The kid miraculously ate her whole Dagwood Bumstead sized pile of sandwich. Who knows where she put it all. Charlie made her wait a while before going in the pool, so he gave me a tour of his greenhouse and the vegetables he was growing. We were a sweaty mess getting out of there so I went and got my suit on ready to hit the pool.

I chose a flowery print one piece that was cut up high on the hips and showed a lot of my back and was especially generous in highlighting my girls up front. When Charlie saw me his eyes got big and he couldn't conceal checking me out. That was a first and I was pleased that I finally got to him.

Once in the pool we were at the mercy of an 8 year old. She came up with all kinds of scenarios involving 3 characters and we then acted them out. My favorite was when she floated in the middle of the pool on an inflatable alligator, armed with a pool noodle, while Charlie and I were placed on opposite ends which were shallow compared to the deeper in-between area. She declared herself a dragon, her father was a knight in shining armor, and I was the princess being held hostage by the dragon. Charlie was dared to cross paths with the dragon to save me. He went to one side, and then to the other, with Mandy matching his movements and growling like a ferocious dragon. Charlie looked up to the sky and pointed, distracting his daughter before diving in and under his daughter where he kept swimming towards me and then through my opened legs. He popped up behind me and put his arm around my waist, looking over my shoulder and taunting his daughter who was splashing her way over in attack mode, giggling the whole time. When Mandy got near enough she whacked him on the head a couple of times with the pool noodle until he tackled her off of the pool toy. When they came up for air they were both laughing, while I channeled my high school drama club experience to thank the brave knight for saving me from almost certain doom.

Mandy said, in what sounded like a dare, "Miss'olly, the princess has to kiss the knight, you know."

So I gave him as dramatic a kiss on the cheek as I could, thanking him for his bravery, which made Mandy go all dramatic, pretending to faint into the water after saying, "Ewwww. You really kissed him. That's so yucky."

Mandy came up with all sorts of play acting scenarios, rotating who was the "bad guy", but I never did get to lay another kiss on Charlie. I did manage to grab his crotch about half a dozen times under the water and without his daughter seeing. His reactions were priceless, he had no idea what to make of me. I did get a little bit of physical contact from him as we splashed around, wrestling and playing, but he was too gentlemanly to grab any of my lady parts. Much to my disappointment.

After a couple of hours, we were all exhausted and pruny so we exited the pool. My face actually hurt from smiling so much over Mandy's pool games.

As I dried off I looked at the two of them and then this unfamiliar feeling came over me. Call it butterflies or some kind of euphoric wave, but I had never felt anything like it before, leaving me all tingly. It came with the realization that these two let me be a part of a family for a better part of a day and it felt good.

Really fucking good.

I wanted more. I silently vowed that I would do anything I could to not spoil it.

Just as fast as that feeling came upon me, it passed and I was hit with thoughts of reality. I'm not a part of this family. What I was experiencing today is not a part of my world. I'll never have this for real. Something that I thought I would never want, even writing it off as just some kind of myth or legend. Things reserved for other people. Not for me.

"What's wrong?" Charlie was looking at me with concern written on his face.

I shook it off and mumbled an excuse of some sort. Luckily Mandy jumped in and suggested that we all have popsicles, which Charlie went off into the kitchen to fetch.

We laid back in lounge chairs after our popsicles until Mandy went into the house to take a nap on the couch, her bathing suit dried by the hot afternoon, a product of something that Southern California natives know as Santa Anna conditions. I laid there emotionally drained like I had been drug through the wringer. The very thing that I had convinced myself that I really didn't want, what I really didn't need, I realized was exactly what I was missing.

This child was no snot-nosed brat. She's actually smart, imaginative, funny, she was a living doll. Charlie on the other hand wasn't like any man I've ever met, the kind of guy I had been looking for when I was dating until concluding that 'Charlies' didn't exist in the real world. My view of the real world being populated with nothing but brats and misogynistic jerks was now in broken pieces. It hit me that if Mandy would walk up to me and say she had a soccer game to play right now, nothing would make me happier than throwing her and Charlie into a mini van and taking them there, rooting from the sidelines as loud as I could.

Somebody, please just shoot me right now.

"Holly?" He said softly, breaking me out of my introspection.

"Yeah, Charlie?"

"Would you like to stay for dinner?"

"That would be nice. Thank you."

"It's too hot to turn the oven on, so I thought I would throw a couple of steaks on the grill. That be OK? I'll make a green salad too."

I nodded and then sighed, which he caught and I said, "Mandy is really something terrific. She's a great kid."

"Yeah, I know. Thanks. I'll go get you a beer and then get the steaks marinating." He had been talking to me so softly, like I was fragile enough that I'd crack if he spoke too fast or firmly. He seemed to know that I was brooding over something but didn't want to upset me. I had to shake myself out of this, this just isn't me.

++++++++++++++++++++++

The steaks were done perfectly and Mandy was shoveling it in. She asked me to cut her meat for her and I'm glad I cut it into small pieces as she was practically inhaling it. The salad was just a basic green salad but Charlie had made the dressing from scratch and it was excellent. I complimented him on his cooking skills.

Mandy had to jump in and brag on all the foods that her father was great at cooking. Mac 'n cheese was clearly her favorite which Charlie felt compelled to tell me was made from scratch, not from a box. Then with an impish grin Mandy said that he isn't totally perfect in the kitchen. He apparently is batting zero when it comes to toasting garlic bread. "He burns it every single time," she told me. He also sets the smoke alarm off every time he makes bacon. Charlie rolled his eyes, all but confirming that it was true.

After dinner we went back into the pool to cool off a little. We talked about all sorts of things but mostly I learned about all the kids in Mandy's Summer class at daycare/school, and which ones were good kids and which ones were bad. She asked if I could come to her class one day and arrest a little boy named Ronald who sometimes pulled her hair.

When her bedtime rolled around, she asked if I would read her a bedtime story. Charlie had the Dodger game on the TV in the background and when I agreed to read to her, she asked her father to sit down and watch the game while I would read to her. Charlie shrugged and agreed, sitting down in front of the TV but giving us a wary eye as I followed Mandy to her bedroom.

I asked which book she wanted me to read to her after she got settled in bed, but only after she looked down the hallway to make sure her father didn't follow. She looked at me and said, "I don't want to read tonight. Can I ask you a question instead?"

I agreed and she asked, "Do you remember your mom?"

Damn. I am uniquely qualified to answer that one, but have no business stirring the pot in someone else's family. "Well, kind of 'yes' and kind of 'no'. My dad took so many home movies and pictures of me and my mom, that well, I don't know if I actually remember real memories, or if I just remember the ones on film. I do know that she loved me. A whole lot."

Very softly she said, "Same with me. I don't know if I remember her for reals or if it is just all the pictures on our walls that are my rememberies."

"Well I can tell from the pictures of you both that she loved you a lot. And she was very beautiful. I bet you grow up to look just like her and will be just as beautiful."

She smiled at that, then briefly looked at the doorway checking to make sure her father wasn't standing there. "Dad misses Mom a lot. He gets so sad sometimes. I'm glad you came over today. He was happy all day. He was the fun dad, not the sad dad. Maybe you can come over again."

I fought back tears and told her that I hoped so, but we'll see. I tucked her in and turned out the light and told her goodnight. I think she was asleep before I got to the door though. I went straight into the bathroom across the hall and briefly cried quietly into my hands. I cleaned myself up as best as I could, glad that there wasn't too much light in the living room that spotlighted what a mess I was.

When I returned to the living room, Charlie was in his easy chair in front of the Dodger game sleeping. He looked so cute, I could picture myself gently squeezing in next to him and cuddling up while he slept. Instead I shut the TV off, locked up the house, and slipped out the front door, making sure it locked behind me.

+++++++++++++++

In the morning, there was a text message waiting for me on my phone when I woke.

Charlie: Sorry I didn't get 2 say goodnight. Must have dozed off. Would like to make it up to U, come by for breakfast?"

Me: Thank you, but no. Going to see Dad today.

Me: Had a great day yesterday. So fun.

Me: Lunch sometime this week???

Charlie: I had fun 2. Have a gr8 day with Dad. Lunch sounds good.

+++++++++++++++

I was just about to leave for Dad's when I got a call on my cell phone, the screen alerting me that it was Charlie. When I hit the answer button, all I could hear was chaos on the line in the form of loud beeping. And giggling.

"Hi, Miss'olly. Guess what Dad is doing right now?" Then I could clearly make out distinct beeping. I could picture Mandy holding Charlie's phone up in the direction of the smoke alarm.

I replied, "Is your dad making bacon?"

"Yes." Then a lot of giggling. In the background I faintly heard Charlie say, "Mandy! Give me that!" More giggling, then the phone disconnected.

About 30 second later I got a text from Charlie's phone.

Charlie: Sorry. Won't happen again.

Charlie: Yes, I'm making bacon. <embarrassed face emoji>

+++++++++++++++++++++

"Hi, Dad," I greeted him and gave him a big hug that lingered for a long time.

After greeting each other and going through the pleasantries of checking in to confirm that we were both healthy and doing alright, we settled in on the back porch, each with a cold beer. He had the Dodger game on the radio going through outdoor speakers he had wired to the home audio system when I was just a kid. The voice of Vin Scully was the background noise of my entire childhood, and just increased the feeling of being home.

After catching up for a bit, I said to him, "I met someone, and after no time at all, I'm pretty sure I am falling in love, but it's complicated."

He scrunched his eyes and said, "What do you mean complicated? He's not a married man, is he?"

"Dad, you know I wouldn't do something like that. No, it's complicated because he's a unicorn."

His only reply was a nod of his head, so I continued, "He's perfect in every way. Kind, smart, funny, respectful, honest. He's an engineer so I know you'd like him."

"You are coming to a 'but'.... "

"....but, I don't think I can have him. His wife died four years ago, and he's still hung up on her."

Dad grimaced and then nodded his head in understanding. He waited for me to go on, so I said, "He has a daughter. She's a doll and just a great kid. Her mother died when she was four, just like I was when Mom died."

"Damn, that's rough, honey. I know how he feels, you know how his daughter feels, so what are you going to do?"

"I don't know, Dad. Mom died so long ago, and you never dated again. If nobody could get through to you after all this time, how will I get through to this unicorn?"

"Just be yourself. And by that I mean be your Holly self, not the 'Holly the cop'. How could he not fall for you?"

"First of all you are completely biased. Secondly, he talks of his dead wife like you still talk about Mom."

He thought about it for a bit and then said, "Listen, honey, I was all wrong. I should have opened myself up and got back out there when I got over my initial grieving. If I could do it all over again, I would have looked for someone to share the later years of my life with, and giving you a mother-figure in the house would have been good for you too. I'm so sorry that I failed you."

"You didn't fail me. You were a great dad. You just seemed so lonely all the time. I see the exact same signs in this guy. Nobody got through to your heart again after Mom, I think I face the same walls in getting to this guy's heart."

"Holly, I'm so surprised. You seemed to not want the family thing at all."

"Yeah, you are right about that. Then I got a little glimpse of what it could be like and now there isn't anything in the world that I want more than that."

Dad got a huge grin on his face and said, "You don't know how happy I am to hear you say that. Go out there and get him. With your hell-bent determination, your ability to 'get your man' like you do as a cop, and throw in your looks and charm, you'll get there. I just know it."

"I hope so. Thanks, Dad."

++++++++++++++++

I got a call late Monday evening. My phone alerted me that the call was from Charlie, but you never know who would be on the line when I answered. It was Mandy.

She spoke in whispers, "Miss'Olly, Ronald pulled my hair again today but this time I stood up to him and told him what you said I should say. I think it worked. I'm not sure, but if he does it again, I'm going to tell him you're coming to school to arrest him. Oh, no! I have to go."

The last thing I heard before the line went dead was Charlie's voice from the background, "Mandy!"

++++++++++++++++

I talked to Charlie every evening on the phone after that but the highlight of my week was when we had lunch on Wednesday. He asked me to drop into his office to pick him up so that the office workers would get all uppity and excited. He thought it would be nice to give them another full week of gossip and things to give him the third degree about. He laughed when he said that morale had gone up several notches now that there was something for his colleagues to wonder about. He claimed that even under protest, he remained so tight-lipped about it that Kelly's head looked like it was going to explode every time he walked by her desk.

Upon picking him up, I could see that I made another stir and as we walked to the restaurant Charlie laughed and reveled in the wake of our mysterious relationship that lapped through his office. Were we friends, were we lovers, everyone wanted to know but he wouldn't admit to anything. He was being kind of a devil, but I found it amusing and it became one more thing I just adored about the guy.

Lunch was fine though I hardly remember even eating. Conversation was easy, fun, and sometimes I would get tingly just listening to him talk. We mostly either reminisced over our day at the pool and Mandy's creative play acting scenes, or rehashing Charlie's many apologies for falling asleep on me. I asked him a ton of questions of what to expect at the barbecue this weekend and we set up plans that I would go to his house first and he would take me to his friend's house so we could arrive together.

When I got to his house on Saturday morning, Charlie answered the door but before he could say anything, Mandy flew out from behind him and jumped into me for a squeeze. She was squealing and reminded me of the Tasmanian Devils from the cartoons I watched with my dad as a little girl. Such a bundle of bubbly energy.

On the drive over Charlie let me know of his suspicions that this barbecue was all because of me. "Bill just had a barbecue less than a month ago, and usually we only get together at his house a couple of times a year. The norm is that we take turns hosting, but definitely not this often." That was about the only words Charlie got in during the drive as Mandy had a million things to say from the back seat. In one week's time a lot seems to go on in an 8-year old's life. The good news was that Ronald didn't pull her hair again and kept clear of Mandy all week.

When we arrived at the house, Bill's wife, Bobbi, answered the door and gave us both a hug while Mandy ran by us into the living room to play with some other kids. I was brought into the kitchen and met Frank's wife, Gloria. Charlie excused himself to the backyard, wanting to put the beer he brought into the ice chest as soon as possible. Coward.

Allowing myself to be cornered by Bobbie and Gloria just wasn't in my nature. Even though I promised myself that I was going to be gracious, passing out syrupy flattery the whole afternoon in order to hide the real me and possibly survive this barbecue without Charlie hating me. From my periphery in the open floor plan kitchen, I knew that Mandy was just around the kitchen counter so I called her to come over.

She appeared at my side in a blink of the eye, so I told her that my new friends wanted to play questions and answers, and since Mandy knew all the answers already, would she do the honors.