A Change of Heart and Mind

"Miss'Olly's mom died when she was four, just like me, she has a dad and no brothers or sisters and her favorite color is green and she can swim and ride a 2-wheeler, but can't ride a horse or a dolphin. She likes the Peter Pan ride at Disneyland just like me and Daddy and she likes Star Wars like me and Daddy. She likes bears and frogs and hates spiders. Oh, and sometimes she's afraid of the dark." She took a deep breath and continued, "She works for the police and if Ronald pulls my hair one more time, Miss'Olly is going to arrest him." And with that, she was gone. With Bobbi and Gloria temporarily stunned, I slipped out to the back yard and looked for Charlie.

A cold beer landed in my hand as soon as I found him, and I was greeted warmly by the others assembled in the back yard as I was introduced, getting hugs from Bill and Frank. It was a pleasant day and the company made it even more so. I felt a little bad about how I handled Bobbi and Gloria, so I was all in when they asked me to help bring out food from the kitchen.

They of course used that time to get me alone and shoot some warnings across my bow. They painted a grim picture of how Charlie took his wife's passing and how they thought he might not survive the tragedy. They dramatized how bad the final months were of her illness and I had to fight back my own tears thinking about not just how awful for Charlie and his family, but thinking that it must have been like that for my Dad when he went through it with Mom. I also got the subtle but not so subtle warning that my intentions had better be pure and to not hurt the fragile Charlie or else...

Despite the fact that I could kick both their asses at once, with my hands tied behind my back, their heartfelt feelings were genuine and honest. It was clear that these gals would do anything for Charlie, the same impression I got from Bill and Frank at the bar when I met them. In fact I got the impression that everyone at the party really, deeply cared for him. Not that I was surprised in the least by that, I was solidly in the Charlie fan club myself.

+++++++++++

The food was great and the conversation was fun. I enjoyed myself immensely and I managed to deflect as many questions about myself as possible, using my skills of redirection to get everyone else to throw out funny stories from Charlie's past. It was a learning experience, and there were lots of laughs at Charlie's expense.

After cleaning up following the meal we found ourselves assembled around a large picnic table in the back yard chatting it up again. I sat close to Charlie with one arm wrapped up in his and the other arm reached over to hold his hand which he didn't seem to mind even though we were getting funny looks from his friends from time to time.

I was getting that feeling again. The tingly, warm wave of happiness from getting to be a part of this. I could really get used to that feeling, I know I had a broad smile on my face and leaned further into Charlie. Of course all good things come to an end, and later I kicked myself for not seeing it coming. I should have known better.

While we were talking, Bill's teenaged daughter came out and addressed her mother. She was the oldest kid at the barbecue, being 15, a product of Bill and Bobbi who were a bit older than Charlie and myself. A good looking kid, but caught in that awkward age of still being a kid but ready to be a woman too soon for her own good, dressed with more skin showing that any parent of a daughter really wants to see. The very reason that fathers get teased about needing to own a shotgun in order to greet suitors.

"Mom, can I go to Becky's house? I'm going to spend the night there if it's OK with you."

My heart tumbled, she was lying. Knowing that the top-of-the-world feeling that I was experiencing would soon evaporate, I couldn't just let it go. I cleared my throat in hopes that Bobbie would get the message. In doing so I felt Charlie shudder and suddenly there was some separation between our bodies. Shit.

Bobbie glanced at me and then back at her daughter and asked, "Is it OK with Becky's mom?"

The kid replied, "Yeah, her mom is just in their garage crafting, so we won't be a bother."

Another lie. Another clearing of my throat, only louder.

Bobbi got the message I was sure, she challenged her daughter, "Maybe I should call her and ask."

"No, Mom, she's in the garage, remember. It's just down the street, so don't worry. She told Becky that it's OK." Lie. The kid glanced at me with attitude before looking back at her mother.

"Welllll...," Bobbi looked at her husband for support and he just shrugged his shoulders like he didn't give a damn. They were going to let this kid get away with it.

The kid started to feel victory and it was then that I just had to do it. I barged in, "What's his name?"

Her eyes went big, "Whose name?"

I replied quickly to keep her in surprise, "The name of the boy you are going to see."

"What?"

Again, quickly replied, "How old is he?"

"I'm not..."

"Yes you are. You're going to see a boy. What's his name?"

"Uhhh... it's Justin."

"And he's how old?"

"He's 18, but... "

"Does he wear a condom?"

"Yes." Her face was in near panic, she almost screamed back, "Every time! I swear!" She came to the reality of her confession and looked down, putting her face in her hands.

Her mother, looking like a spectator at a tennis match during our back and forth, jumped up from the table, almost falling down in the process. "Go to your room. NOW!" She looked at her husband who was frozen with wide eyes, "Bill, let's go, we gotta talk to her. Oh my god. Oh my god."

The kid was making a beeline for the house but before she got there she turned and glared at me, "You ruined my life you fucking bitch!" And then she was inside, with her parents in pursuit.

Everyone stared at me in surprise. The whole scene had played out in a matter of seconds so the crowd was still processing it when Charlie stood and calmly said, "We have to leave now. Goodnight all."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

The drive back to Charlie's house was like riding in a hearse. Mandy at first tried to find out what happened so suddenly and why she hardly got a chance to say goodbye to the other kids, but she tuned-in to the prevalent mood and went uncharacteristically quiet. Nothing else was spoken the whole ride back.

When we got to Charlie's, he unlocked the door to let Mandy into the house and then, still on the front porch, turned while blocking the door opening, a signal that I was not going to be invited in. He looked me square in the eyes. "Goodnight, Holly."

"I'm so sorry, Charlie."

He held up his hand and said calmly, "It's OK, don't worry about it." It was a throwaway comment, so I couldn't nick him for lying.

He went inside and locked the door behind him. I drove home and thought, "And just like that, it's all over. Nice job Holly. I'm such a dumbass."

+++++++++++++++++++++++

I tried to call him when I got home but he didn't pick up. Tried again Sunday morning and about noon, but still no answer. Finally he texted me in the afternoon and asked to come over and see me so we could "talk". I texted back my address and anxiously waited an hour for him to come over.

It was the first time he had been to my apartment, but when I let him in, he didn't even take a look around. He was alone and when I asked him where Mandy was, he said she was at a friend's house. I offered him a seat and a beer, but he declined both, saying he wouldn't be long. We now just stood there looking at each other in my foyer-combo-living room.

There was about to be a train wreck and there was nothing I could do about it but watch it happen.

He started first, "Holly, I didn't want to do this over the phone. I like you enough and respect you too much to do that. I really have enjoyed getting to know you, and I do really like talking to you. Still. I don't think I can see you anymore. I have Mandy to think about, and she's starting to get attached to you. You can see that, right? It's one thing if you and I suffer a broken heart down the road, but it's another thing altogether if hers breaks too. The more she gets attached to you, the worse it would be. I'm not entirely sure where you think our relationship is going, but heartbreak would be inevitable. You told me all about your family, and just like your dad, I loved and lost, and that's just that for me."

I felt like that freight train broke every bone in my body.

"So this is not about yesterday, then?" I asked him weakly.

"No," he responded, "but it jolted me enough to really think about what I was doing. I let my guard down and I had let us go too far as it is. I'm really sorry, Holly. I'll... I'll go now."

He made for the door, and I stepped in front of it like I was guarding the lion's cage at the circus. "You aren't going anywhere. Not like that, you aren't." I suddenly felt my voice again. I've been tough all my life, never the victim, I don't know where this girly, mousy, wimp persona of mine came from just recently, but I wasn't going to just lay down. Was I? My heart was on the line here.

"I don't think this is just about Mandy, this is about you too. And don't bring my father into this, you haven't even met him. After Mom died, just like you, he withdrew and repurposed his whole life in just taking care of his daughter. And now what? He's lonely. Really fucking lonely. And he doesn't need to be, because just like you, he's got a giant heart. And just like you, he thinks that he doesn't deserve to be happy, that he would be desecrating the memories he shared with his late wife if he were to be happy. That's total bullshit. Your wife would want you to be happy." With that, he couldn't make eye contact any more.

"Let me go, Holly." He made a move towards that door and I returned it with a threatening resolve that I wasn't going to move. "Come on, Holly. You've got everything going for you and guys are already lined up for that, I saw that in the bar. You just need to pay attention and leave the broken ones like me out of the picture."

"Stop it," I was nearly shouting at him, "The guys you think are lined up for me are nothing but creeps. In the bar, at work, on my job, everywhere I turn, guys are a solid bag of disappointment. I had come up with the conclusion that there really wasn't anyone for me out there and resolved myself to give up on love. I stopped dating and I was perfectly happy with my situation. Then I met you, asshole. You are funny. Kind. A terrific father, to just a terrific kid. And you are fucking honest. Yeah, I suddenly got hope."

I took a deep breath and continued, softer this time, and before he could unfreeze himself as he stood there, "I'm not even officially your girlfriend, and here you are, dumping me." I had to take another deep breath, "Here I am. For the first time in my life, I am hopelessly and deeply in love. With you. Desperately trying to keep you from walking out this door and out of my life."

"Come on, Holly. You can't be in love with me."

"I would never lie to you Charlie. Ever."

Our eyes locked on one another again, mine had tears falling from them, his just looked lost. It was over. I knew it was before he even came over today. With no more fight left in me, no reason to hope for anything anymore, I moved away from blocking the door. He hesitated, almost said something, and then he was gone.

+++++++++++++++++

That week I just wasn't myself. I put my bitch face on for anyone that would look at me, and in between those moments, just wallowed in self pity. I didn't get much done, but my phone was busy.

First I had called my father. I tore him a new asshole for not getting out there and dating again after Mom had died. She's been gone more than 20 years, he had no right to mourn for that long. He didn't know what to say to me, I hung up before he could think of how to even respond to my tirade.

I got two calls from Mandy. The first was to ask if I knew any police dogs and if I could let her meet one someday. I fumbled for words before her father cut the call off before I could respond. The second call hurt though. Through a teary, choked voice, she said that she asked her dad if I could be her new mom, and he apparently said no. Then she told me she loved me and missed me lots before cutting the call on her own this time.

I got a text later from Charlie informing me that Mandy wouldn't be disturbing me again now that he added a passkey to his cell phone and withheld the code from Mandy.

I also got a call from Bobbi. She told me that she got my contact information from Charlie and hoped I didn't mind. I told her I didn't and then went into as many ways to apologize as I could think of for butting into her, Bill, and her daughter's business while at the barbecue. She laughed and told me to stop, telling me that she actually called to thank me. Her and Bill had a deep, long talk with their daughter and realized that they had slacked off as parents ever since the child turned teenager. As shocking as the revelation was, she thinks that they turned a corner in their relationship and will be closer as a result.

I then changed the subject to ask about Charlie. She sighed over the phone and said, "I don't know firsthand but from what Bill tells me, he's a grouch and a pain in the ass. Definitely not the normal, fun Charlie. I'm really sorry you kids broke it off. He looked so happy with you on his arm in the backyard, I think you two are great together. Give it some time, hon. He'll come to his senses."

I didn't tell her that I didn't share her optimism, but we promised to have lunch sometime next week. Little did I know that our lunch wasn't going to happen until much later down the road, but totally because of unfortunate circumstances.

++++++++++++++++++++

I planned on sleeping in on Saturday morning when I got called into work. I had been loaned out to Narcotics. They had snatched a guy in the wee hours of the morning and wanted to get a confession out of him while the iron was hot and before his partners in crime had discovered that he had been picked up. I was assured that it would be easy because the guy was dumb as a brick.

I went right in and checked in with my Captain first thing. He said he didn't know the guys from Narc, or the circumstances, and there was nobody from our team doing an assist, so I was basically flying blind. Once I got Narc what they needed, I would be free to go home. They were waiting for me in Interrogation Room D.

I had no idea that for years in the future, I would be analyzing this snapshot in time over and over. Hoping I would have a breakthrough, an "aha" moment, something that would explain how I so totally fucked up and then indemnify myself for the stupid thing that happened. Either way, it did happen and it probably was the catalyst that changed my life forever, though I wish I could have seen it coming.

I knocked on the door of Room D, and flashed my badge, first to the camera over the door and then to the small glass lens in the door for the cop inside. The door opened and a Narco officer stepped outside into the hallway then briefed me on what they wanted from the perp inside, plus some background I could use to get it. He handed me a file folder and he regained entry to Room D. I stepped inside the small room and greeted the two plain clothed Narco officers, now just inside. There was an enormous hulk of a man sitting at the table with his back to us and the door. I should have known something was wrong, but the last coherent thought in my mind as I sat opposite the perp, placing the file folder on the table in front of me, was wondering if I should try to call Charlie today.

The old me would have gone through strict safety procedures, double checking that the two Narco officers had also done the same, not trusting even the guys on my regular team. But I wasn't my normal self. My mind, of course, was on Charlie and just getting this interrogation over with. If I had gone through procedures I would have seen that the perp was not cuffed and secured to the heavy steel and bolted down table we were both seated at, across from one another.

The perp was fully aware of the miscue, this wasn't his first rodeo. He stood up violently, sending his chair flying backwards and he grabbed my wrist from across the table with an enormous hand. I was lifted out of my chair like I weighed nothing and he flung me over the table and towards the opposite wall like Clayton Kershaw would throw a fastball towards the plate. I flew through the air and then everything went dark.

+++++++++++++

Waking up in a hospital isn't fun for anyone. Waking up after shoulder surgery and with my head still pounding from a concussion made it even worse. Then to have people walk into the room to chew my ass out one at a time, led off by my Captain, was the proverbial final nail in the coffin. Dying in Interrogation Room D just might have been easier to deal with.

The Captain was brutal, but I deserved it all. I was lucky to be alive, he said. I was lucky to still have my job, though suspended for an undisclosed amount of time. He planned on saving me the cleanup in Room D until after my suspension, apparently there was a lot of blood, both from my head and what poured out of the perp after the Narcos both put 6 rounds each into the guy's body. My desk was also being moved to just outside of the men's bathroom on the third floor, the noxious smell that lingers there being notorious for generations of cops. Even after he finished, his face all red from anger and the exertion of yelling while keeping it low enough for the hospital ward, he winked at me. I know the Captain still likes me.

Then there was my dad. I was lucky to be alive, he said. I got the "I told you so" about my career choice. He gave me a million reasons why I should find another vocation. He gave me a million different ideas of jobs that I would be good at, safe ones, jobs that girls with glass for bones in their bodies could do. Then he told me he loved me and a tear ran down his cheek. One of the few memories I had from when my mom died was of him crying, and I hadn't seen him do that since.

Even Patsy and Julie showed up to give me shit. I hadn't seen them since the night at the bar when I met Charlie. They knew the background on my botched attempt at a relationship and thankfully didn't bring it up.

I think I slept a little bit after that, I could see through the window it was just getting dark when I woke up. My shoulder didn't really hurt and my head wasn't pounding as much, but I couldn't seem to be able to talk. My dinner had obviously been an opioid-saline bag cocktail that was connected to my arm. At least it was good to see Dad sitting in the chair next to my bed when I woke up.

He told me he loved me again. He told me he had words with the Captain and my friends, that I was well liked and had everyone worried. Then he went into full confession mode. Yes, I was right the other night when I called him and lectured him about getting out there and dating. He was going to do something about that. Then he told me that he had learned about my recent ups and downs in my temperament from my Captain and these so-called-friends claimed it was all due to the relationship with my engineer friend. My unicorn. He was about to say more until being interrupted by someone politely coughing, standing in the doorway. It was Charlie.

My eyes must have been the size of soccer balls, Dad turned to me and said, "OK, honey. Don't get upset. I found his contact in your phone and told him what happened. We had a nice long talk over the phone, and he really wanted to see you."

Charlie came over to my bed and squeezed my hand, the one not connected to my bad shoulder. Not that I was feeling anything at the moment. Fucking opioid.