A Cliche worth Exploring... Ch. 04

Authors Note: Sheesh, 5 years later and I think I can just waltz in and drop a 10k work chapter like it's nothing? You know the deal, life's been rough, real world gets in the way, blah blah excuses excuses. I want to write more and I've been having a blast getting back into these stories so I'm going to ride the wave as far as it's going, even if its just this one chapter. Just a heads up, it does get a little more serious than the previous entries. Love isn't always sunshine and roses. Let me know what you think of it, your comments are literally the biggest thing motivating me to write more. Hope you enjoy this next addition to the Cliche series, I know I enjoyed writing it :)

Warning: Lesbian Slur, homophobia/bullying mention

I grab the warm metal handle of the pan lightly flipping it back and forth. The soft sizzling of garlic filling the air with a sweet earthy aroma. A pot of water boils on the next burner over, the force of the steam popping its lid up and down.

Tonight's going to be perfect. At least, as good as it could be on a college budget. I had been forced to get a job to keep up with the cost of food and my ever increasing clothing expenses. It wasn't glamorous, but it was accommodating and payed a bit better than minimum wage.

The past few weeks Rose and I had been eating out every night, partially due to living in a new city, partially due to a tight schedule of school and work preventing any hope of meal prep. Luckily, we both got the day off and I've been saving a couple of dollars each paycheck specifically for this night.

It had been at least three weeks since our last "date" at the park, and we had become a little more than cozy with each other. Late night teasing and cuddles, morning pecks on the cheek and 'good night' kisses, things like that. Though, we still haven't taken our relationship to the next level. We were really only physical with each other through kissing and holding, maybe a little cheeky squeezing. My plan is to change that tonight.

I throw the noodles into the water, probably way more than we needed, but who measures pasta? The salted water froths slightly as the starch leeches out. I'm making Rose a dish that I've been told is guaranteed to lead to sexy times: pasta Aglio e Olio. I strain the noodles out, putting them right into the pan with the titular garlic and oil. I take a small spoonful of the pasta water and stir everything around, adding parsley and a fresh squeeze of lemon. Thanks YouTube, I owe you one.

The lock on the apartment door clicks open. A jolt of adrenaline straightens my body and puts all my hairs on edge. Right on time. Before this moment I was just following a recipe as best as I could, but now that she's here it's suddenly all turned very real. I'm cooking dinner for my date.

"Hey babe. Woah, are you cooking? Nice!" Rose calls from the doorway. Her voice resonates through the room, somehow both calming my nerves and turning them into even more of a jumbled mess. "Oooohhh it smells good. Watcha making?" She says while collapsing her umbrella and removing her shoes.

"Uh... Hey Rose... I'm making um... Aleg... Algo... uhh, some pasta in garlic and oil. How were classes?" My throat feels dry, my lips don't fit together correctly. My tongue won't sit right in my mouth and every word feels like a tongue twister.

"They were fine." She says, sighing. "Mrs. Clemens is still taking her failed career out on the entire class, but I think she almost liked my last design. She called it, and I quote 'Fit for a business woman with three kids." She dramatically shrugs her raincoat just off her shoulders. "That means she's on a tight budget, not much room for designer clothes, daaarling.'" She draws out the last word in an exaggerated pompous accent, mimicking her teacher. She fakes holding a cigarette holder in one hand, walking towards me with a runway strut.

I still haven't turned around to look at her, trying to focus on not burning the pasta. I take it off the heat, carefully plating it in a small nest. As I lower the last forkful of noodles onto the plate, I feel a pressure close in on me. Rose presses herself into my back, wrapping her arms around my waist. She rests her head against the back of my shoulders. Feeling her warmth, her presence, finally reminds me that I have nothing to be nervous about. After only a couple of seconds, entirely too short an amount of time, she lifts her head back up and kisses the nape of my neck. It radiates outward, releasing the tension in my neck and shoulders and causing me to relieve the sigh I've been holding in my chest.

"What's up?" Rose says softly into my ear, her voice now genuine. "You seem kinda quiet."

"Nothing, now that you're here. Just focused on not burning this expensive ass garlic. Now go get changed or take care of your stuff or whatever. We've got dinner to eat and I'm not going to let this dish get cold. I spent a bunch of time on it and like... ten bucks worth of garlic and oil. It's fancy."

"Mmmm I love fancy garlic. Don't eat it all until I'm back or I'm gonna have to kiss the shit out of you so I can taste it too."

"Ewww, garlic kisses, gross."

"That won't stop me!"

Rose stands up a little taller and plants a quick smooch on my cheek. I still blush every time she does it. We certainly are close for people who aren't technically dating. Or maybe we are dating, since this is our second date. Or.... Man, I don't know. I'm sure it's so much easier when you don't live with the person you have a crush on. She bounces off to her room.

I place the plates on the small table, pouring us both a glass of wine. Even though my birthday was only a few weeks away, neither of us are technically twenty-one yet. I was able to convince a co-worker of mine to buy us some wine. Luckily we aren't a dry campus, but I don't think the school would be super happy about the situation. This was also where a large bulk of the budget went. It's not fancy wine, by any means, but it does have some fantastic notes of alcohol with an underlying hint of red.

Rose comes back out of her room wearing a lacy dark blue top, the sleeves going all the way down her arms covering them in what looks like netting. It's tucked into an all black high-waisted capri slack that shows off the shape of her hips all too well. She has this way of looking so confident when she walks in an outfit she knows she's rocking. The problem is, she's always rocking them.

"Wow." Is all I can manage when I see her. "You know we aren't going out anywhere, right? We're just... eatin' pasta, drinkin' wine."

"Correction; eatin' pasta and drinkin' wine... with a cutie. You went through all the trouble of cooking something fancy, I can't be lazy and not dress up for a date just because we live together. You got wine? What kind?"

"The red kind, with alcohol."

"Well that's a good start, but like... Is it Pinot Noir, Merlot, Shiraz, Cabernet Franc, Cabernet Sauvignon, gre..."

"It's red, Rose. It's red, alcoholic, fifteen dollar wine. I think the label says it's from South Dakota. I didn't even think grapes could grow in South Dakota. Sheesh, what are you, some kind of wine snob?"

Rose shoots me a defensive look.

"Um... Nooooo." She says in her best valley girl voice. "I just so happen to enjoy watching documentaries about wine on Netflix. I've never actually had wine, but... the idea of it intrigues me. You're not trying to get me drunk are you?" She shoots me a suspicious glance and I do my best to not look guilty.

We both sit down. Rose gives a contented sigh of relief and takes a whiff of the pasta in front of her.

"Mmm this really does smell good." Her eyes narrow and she Is this that dish from Chef? The one he makes for Scarlett Johansson that makes her give him those bedroom eyes?" She says, before swirling up a forkful.

"Uhhh maybe... I've never seen it. But if it's good I'll have to personally write Mr. Chef a thank you note."

I'm too busy watching her face to take a bite of my own. She bites down, chews a couple of times, then her whole body seems to relax even more.

"Well?" I ask expectantly. "How is it?"

"This is... so fuckin' good." Rose says through a mouthful. "You can really taste the fancy garlic."

"Oh thank god." I say with a breathe of relief. " It was like ten bucks, you know."

Then I say possibly the stupidest thing I could say in this moment.

"If this doesn't finally get me into your pants I don't know what will!"

The words just fell from my brain, spilling out of my mouth before I even took the time to understand them.

There's silence for a few seconds. I shovel a huge bite of pasta into my mouth and hope she takes it as a joke. I forget to taste it. I mean, we joke around like that all the time... Right? I was just kidding around... even though... that was the whole point of tonight. Uh oh.

I don't look up from my plate for fear that I might see her already gone out the door. I wait for the slam while I shovel more oily noodles into my big dumb stupid mouth. Maybe she's cracking up right now. Maybe I'll look up and she's just silently enjoying the pasta. I slowly peek my eyes up. Her face is low and she's looking at her plate, clearly thinking. My eyes dart back down to my dinner. Not laughing. Not at all. Uh oh.

"Lily..." She says, her voice low and serious.

Uh oh. Rose doesn't my full name that often. Anytime she calls for me, greets me, gets my attention, nearly every time she'll use a different pet name. If it weren't for my classes I probably wouldn't hear my name for weeks at a time.

"Lily." She says it a bit more firmly.

I slowly look up from my plate, looking like a dog who knows they shouldn't be on the couch.

Rose has set her fork down on the edge of her plate. Her face is still serious. I can't look her in the eyes so I focus on her lips. Her impossibly red lips, the slick of oil from the pasta making them shine even more than usual.

"Is that... all this is to you?" She finally asks. I don't know how to answer, or if I even should. It feels like half an hour of silence before she quietly but sternly continues.

"Am I just the first thing that walked into your experimental phase? You move to a new city, get a hair cut, and hey, while we're at it, let's tick 'fucking a girl' off our list? And oh, lucky me, my new roommates a lesbian so, might as well be her, right? That's what all the other girls do for the 'authentic college experience' before finding a real boyfriend, so why shouldn't you?"

Her words sting and bruise. She never raises her voice like I expect her to, never loses her demeanor. Her voice is hurt, betrayed. I think I would rather her just be mad. A wave of hot embarrassment washes over me and I feel my throat tighten. She pauses, expecting me to justify myself.

I try to think of what to say. My mind is filled with too many different things but none of them want to come out. I didn't mean to hurt her. I figured this was a special way to take things to the next level. I figured with everything we'd done...

"No. Every love song I listen to, you're the girl they sing about. To me, you're like opening the windows on the first day of spring. You're bright in every way. Every time we talk my mouth goes dry, my heart skips a beat, my stomach flops, my mind goes blank. You're proof that every single poem and cliche about love is real. I love you Rose, and I just wanted to make tonight a special enough night to show you the depth of that love in all its forms, through every sense."

At least, that's what I wanted to say. Probably what I should have said.

Instead; cold, palpable, stunned silence.

"Well?" She says, dumbfounded and clearly hurt.

"I... It's...It's just... I'm - I'm, were not, I was, tr.. I fig... " Oh my GOD please just get one sentence out. She interrupts.

"This is my life, Lily. I don't want to be a story you tell during a game of 'never have I ever' that ends in a good laugh for all your friends. I won't be. If all I am to you is a convenient way to experiment, you'd be better off downloading Tinder. I thought you... You know what, use a different girl to piss off your parents."

She pushes her chair back. She stands up, and she walks out the door.

"...but it's..."

The door closes roughly.

"...raining." I finish. Awesome. Great save Lily. Truly a wordsmith.

My heart doesn't beat. It explodes. Over and over like the pistons of an engine. My chest feels full and not in the good way. It feels heavy. Every breath is a chore. Is this what a heart attack feels like? My head is both empty and swimming, swirling with all the things I should have said, everything I shouldn't have. Why couldn't I say anything to her? Why didn't I? What the fuck is wrong with me??

I'm in the elevator already. I didn't notice myself opening the door, or even leaving the apartment. The button is already pressed.

The glass doors of the building lobby streak with rain. I push past them and run outside. The shock of the cold rain brings me back to my right mind as I look around, already starting to shiver.

I turn to the right, seeing various anonymous umbrellas hurrying to get home. I don't see Rose.

Just as I turn my head to the left I see a blue top turn the corner two blocks away. I break out into a sprint, the first step slipping against the wet concrete. I blast through the intersection, a car screeches and honks. I don't stop running.

I get to the corner and turn faster than I've ever moved before, seeing Rose still a block away and walking quickly. Her bright red hair acts like a lighthouse,.

"Rose!" I call out, my voice weak from exertion.

She doesn't stop walking.

"Rose just wait a second!"

Nothing.

I'm only a few feet from her now and still sprinting.

"Rose please." I say, struggling to breathe in between sobs.

"What?" She says, finally stopping and turning around. I almost knock into her before jamming to a halt. "Are you going to try to tell me that you were joking, that I shouldn't be so upset about such a small comment? You think you're the first person who's done this kind of shit to me? Do you know what kind of reputation you get in a small town where everyone knows you're gay? When you're the ONLY one that's out in fifty miles? I was a joke to them, Lily, just a fucking punchline. A target for people to ask out as a dare. Girls that were still in the closet would come to me just to see what it was like. They'd lie to me and tell me we'd be together forever and that we would face them all together, all to get into my pants. As soon as it was done they would ditch me, call me a dyke, tell everyone that I tried to force myself onto them. God... I can't believe I thought this was any different. I can't believe I thought this town would be different. But I'm still just being used as a fucking trial run!"

The rain doesn't do a good enough job hiding her tears. Her hair is soaked, dripping down her face, but the wells forming in her eyes are too telling.

It's about to happen again. I'm about to let her go again without saying a single word.

"That's not what I want." I finally muster. The words are heavy in my mouth. There are tears in my eyes. "Rose... No one else has ever made me feel like you do. When I sleep, my dreams are about you. About us. When I wake up, you're the first thing I think of. I find myself smiling in class like an idiot just thinking about the way you dance, about all the references that I never get, and yes, fine, about how god damn amazing you look in every fucking outfit you put on, but... When you leave the house I worry about you until you walk through the door again and when you finally do, the only thing I want to do is find an excuse to be close to you, to be around you even for a minute. I've known you for such a short time, but god, Rose, I'm head over heels for you! You might as well be my childhood crush that I'm finally getting to hang out with."

The whole world is silent. Nothing else matters but us in this moment. The next phrase out of my mouth takes me by surprise, but I wouldn't take it back for anything. My heart opens like the clouds pouring down on us and everything I felt for the last month just falls out. I can't let things end just because I was too scared to say how I really felt. That was the old me. I decide in this moment that I'm done lying to myself, done hiding the truth, and I'm done with being miserable.

"Rose, I fucking love you! From the first day I spent with you, I knew things were going to change for me. They had to. I finally realized that I had been lying to myself just as much as I lied to everyone else in my life and I can't fucking do that anymore. Okay, I'll admit, tonight was about taking things to the next step. Can you blame me? We've been making out and hanging all over each other for three damn weeks now and yes, you're the most beautiful person I've literally ever known. But if loving you means never having sex, then whatever, who fucking cares! I just want to be with you, be around you, listen to you talk, hear you laugh, and honestly, fuck anything else! That's enough for me! You mean so much to me, Rose. I've never felt like this before in my entire life. I couldn't bear to lose you and I will spend however long I have to proving that to you if you'll just let me. I know I'm a damn cliche and I know, I know how it sounds but damn it even if you don't love me back I have to be true to myself, I can't fucking stand pretending to be someone I'm not anymore. This is not just a fucking trial run, Rose. For once in my life I feel like I actually have something real."

We're both silent for what felt like twenty minutes, though it was probably more like three. Strangers pass us quickly, side-eyeing us like we're insane. She finally speaks up.

"If you're serious about us... If you really want to be with me. And I mean be my girlfriend, not just... some girl you live with and... screw around with... If we never had sex. Ever. Are you saying you'd be fine with that? You'd still feel the same way?" Her eyes lock with mine with a searing intensity. They dart back and forth between mine as if shes looking for something.

"Fucking of course Rose! We could be in different hemispheres and my feelings wouldn't change. If that's what you want, if that's what it takes for us to be together, then so be it."

She continues searching for whatever she's looking for in my eyes. Eventually her shoulders relax a little, her eyes soften, apparently not finding it. The rain continues to pelt us both as if to remind us that neither of us should be here right now.

She slowly walks through the strings of icy rain, her head lowered as if ensuring her feet are in contact with solid ground. She doesn't slow her movement or even look up when she gets to me.

Instead, her arms part ever so slightly, her head tucks between my shoulder and cheek, and she lazily lets her arms come together right around my waist. The contact of cold wet clothes on top of cold wet clothes shocks my system a bit, but the extra body pressed into me is enough warmth to fight it.

"Thank you." Rose whispers into me. The sound of the rain nearly drowns her tiny voice out.

I pull away from her slightly, only so I can lean my head down and press my lips to her head, relieved. I relish in the hug for as long as I can stand. A thought crosses my mind that I was maybe thirty seconds away from losing her forever, from ruining everything, so I hold her like I'll never let her go again.

But it's cold as fuck and raining, and I didn't lose her. If anything, this made me even more confident that she is exactly the person I'm supposed to be with. Maybe the person I want to always be with. So I pull away slightly, look her in the eyes, and, hoping to release at least a little tension, ask,

"Can we go back now? I feel like a badly microwaved hot pocket." Luckily she chuckles, and nods her head against my collarbone.