All Comments on 'A Clockwork Wimp'

Thanks for sharing.....

the story actually had promise, although it was a bit rushed. but wow, that was a grind to read. learn english, or get an editor.

I had no problem with this story and I am a Norwegian.

Perhaps you should take a course in English.

A good story :)

need a part 2 for a wrap up. to see how all his plans worked out..

A good story but grammatically remedial; as if the writer spoke English as a second language. Still, the story and characters were compelling.

Story content was good. I like it and scored it accordingly. However, several places in the story you change tense, words are misspelled, and wrong words are used.

I agree with anonymous, please check over your work more thoroughly. It will make it much easier to read and tender higher scores.

Just needs chapter 2. We need to know how it worked out for him and what happened to his wife.

In the intro he said it was " 2 books". Is this book 1 and 2 is on the way? I hope so. It's great to find an author with an "original" idea. I've been reading Loving Wives for several years now and I think this is the first time this plot manuver has been used. Good work... give us another chapter!

to be taken seriously, but submitting in this category we can hardly assume that, can we? 3 stars

You need an editor in the worst possible way. Random tense changes, misspellings or incorrect words, e.g. tied for tired, and missing or poor punctuation makes for difficult reading. A conclusion might be a nice addition. The story just ended in the middle of the conflict with loose strings all over the place.

the rest fantasy. try and hide that line where you go from one to another. thanks for writing. 3 *.

This is a good story,but at least use spell check. His kids were tied in bed? And numerous grammer mistakes. Not the nitpicking type of mistakes that are easy to make, gross ones that reading the piece aloud would pick up.

You also miss some things the reader would like to know about. What exactly was it that his wife did with, we presume her sister and brother in law? What exactly did the relatives to do his face? Lots of areas that cried out for more explanation.

But that aside, the story was good.

without any springs. TK U MLJ LV NV

But editing is needed. The story is a 5, technical only a 1 or a 2.

I look forward to I hope a great 2nd chapter.

Thank you!

M1

Some bad spelling, incorrect usage of too many words. The story line works, and this guy will do some good stuff as long as he "works" at it.

Well done and kept my attetion right from the start. A classic "man pushed too far" story.

Orginal content on an old tale. Look forward to your 2nd part + many other good yarns fro you.

thanks for writing

First off you need an editor the spelling was terible. The misuse of wording detracted significantly from the storyline. The characters in the story are not believable. The couple was married for 16 years and the hubby put up with verbal abusse from both the wife and her family even before they were married only for the reason that he loved his wife? Forgive me for saying this but the hubby WAS a wimp!! I could understand a certain amount but to the extent you portray here makes it unbelievable that he suddenly has an epiphany and finds his balls. I am not an expert in natural gas explosions but the gas was on for over 7 hours, it should have saturated the house and demolished it when it exploded. Plus it takes a spark or an open flame to egnite it and a ringing phone does not create a spark(it could cause a fire).

Last but certainly not least if I knew my wifes family was into drug use I most definatly would never have allowed my children to be around them.

I will give the story a 4 for the plot but you really need to work on editing and creating believable characters.

But the poor spelling and grammar dropped it to a 3.

Intellectually, I seriously question how possible it is for a man to do such a unequivical 180 degree turnaround in that span from wimp to man of decisive & effective action . This aside, there is no denying that otherwise this story held me in nigh thrall .

I'm curious for the exact particulars both before & after the timeline of this story but the core events have been covered quite well . This a credit to the author's skill that I want to know more but accept this story as is. Thx for a ripping & gripping mini- saga.

Interesting plotline, different, and while maybe not some people's cup of tea it is interesting. I agree with others, you should try and find someone to edit it, to smooth it out and so forth. Other then the grammar, my only other critique would be what some others have said, what made him suddenly decide not to take it any more, why did he change so suddenly? Was it overhearing what the inlaws and wife did (and btw,growing up in a family like that, the wife's behavior is spot on for that kind of situation). In part 2 as a suggestion you may want to give some more background about the situation with the in laws...and also, was the wife ever loving or did she simply go along with her sister and BIL? I am also curious, there is also the implication in the story he might take her back, despite selling the house and so forth, that might make for an interesting twist (if the author even had that in mind)...

I liked it. You should listen to the others about the mistakes. It wasn't so bad that you did not get your point across though. I would read another.

While the overall plot was engaging, the language and grammar needs substantial work.

Bad spelling and all, (tired not tied) a driving revenge story. Great effort, keep up the good work and don't take too long for chapter 2.

I missed the section where it said Part 1 so I would delete my earlier comment about ending with too many loose strings.

<p>I thought this is a good first effort. I know of one other prolific writer on this site that started with many of the same problems, random changes in tense, spelling and punctuation errors. The same writer went on to become one of the better contributors on this site, both in plot development and literary construction.

<p>I am looking forward to your next submission.

Since he commented (not sure if he voted) we can't assume he didn't read it, but history tells us he probably didn't, what a putz :(

You reminded me to give four stars. Cunt.

Great story, thanks. Keep writting

Yes, it needed editing, but no where near as badly as some comments below suggest. The story flowed well, and was more entertaining than most in this category.

Cheers,

Is it fair to assume that 'distinguished gas' is kinda like royal farts? Or could it be 'distinctive gas' (actually the gas doesn't smell, it is the mercaptan(sp?) additive!) Desperately needing an editor! Exploding gas is a much worse 'attitude-adjustment' device than a .22LR round for the same reason (but on opposite ends of the spectrum) - namely the lack of reliability. Most especially if your 'primer' is a telephone ring! Gas 'leak' too likely to be lethal (asphyxia as well as 'blow your ass to smithereens') and telephone 'rings' in modern phones don't have nearly the spark they used to have...plus, ever hear of 'wrong numbers' when just a little gas has accumulated?

An editor is desperately needed. The mistakes are trivial to fix but very numerous.

I get the idea that, in this case anyway, the guy was a wimp because he was just trying to be nice. His wife and her family took advantage of him. I've been there, done that. Also that you don't fully realize it until you get out of it. Besides the cloak and dagger stuff, this is the major point of the story and a lot more could have been done with it. Love makes you vulnerable. You trust the person you love not to hurt you. In this case, his trust was misplaced. I'm not sure that being loving without looking for or observing the failure in others is being a wimp. All people have faults. Minimizing or ignoring them in the people we love is almost necessary. As soon as he realized the true nature of his relationship he took strong action. That's not the behavior of a wimp.

I think the storyline got a little distorted at a few points, like you lost track of what you were trying to say or cut and pasted carelessly. You need to reread carefully to clean up stuff like this and again an editor can help.

Nice work.

I would like to see a second chapter to tie up loose ends.

Get someone to proof read your stories before submitting. Try to disregard the crank commentators and focus on those that truely critique your writing.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Comments about needing an editor are correct, but I liked the story. Was almost like a PapaToad story (and that is a compliment) - wrote the wife and sister-in-law well - no apologies, no explanation of their behavior.

This needs completion. Please do not turn into JPB, the king of no ending.

i hope there is going to be more i hate when a story is not finished

An editor would really help. The plot was disjointed. The reader figures that infidelity happened, but we only get a smidgen of the circumstances and only after we have completed much of the story. We have no clue why Catherine cheated in the first place. Thanks for writing.

A litle confusing but the actions of wife with her husband at the core. Their problem, he became aware if it . Wife is where she wants to be and he is getting where he wants to be.

I gave it three stars as I liked it a bit and hope you keep on writing, but please get an editor, the mistakes and disjointedness spoiled it a bit.

great start to a dqs type novel a little rough i grant you but i am not a critiq.i would like a wakw up call to be administered to his wife in spades.or a 2 or 3 year devorce will rattel her cage.

Good Cruel Revenge Story.

I enjoyed your story. I hope we see more of your work.

Thankyou.

Need a part 2

A refreshing change from the standard wimp cuckold stories posted here. Kudos to the author. And, yes, definitely needs a followup.

The wimp in this story tolerated humiliation and abuse for 16 years! This story was irritating. 0 stars

It's always a pleasant surprise when a cuckold wimp gets his balls back and causes pain for all the parties involved. First the jerk-off in-laws then the cheating whore slut wife and co-conspirator with her sister and husband. Fuck 'um.

HA HA HA HA HA

Everything is there for the ending. He takes the kids, he spends all the money, he gets his wife, her sister and the sister's husband arrested and files for divorce for extreme mental cruelty and abuse.

The wimp grew his balls, and got the last laugh. End of story.

OH YEAH

@ betrayedbylove You are right. I like also those stories when a long time whimp husband finds his balls. The revenge may be better in those stories. Papatoad' has some excellent revenge stories where the husband was wimp until the less child became 18 years and exwife is living in trailer park at the story end. However the most interesting such story from Oldhideki "How Does it Feel to be a Cuckold?". I saw you has read already. (almost laughed 1/2 hour.......)

This meandering story wouldn't be too bad if there weren't so many grammatical errors, so many tense shifts.

It's as if either the writer is a non-English speaker or he is just too lazy to review his own work.

Get an editor before you publish the next installment. It will make that portion much stronger. I kid you not.

So far. This MUST have a second Chapter please. Now is the time For you to show us readers the success or failure of his plan as you only know at this time! Come on a single page, something to close this puppy off !!!

almost like a flash story with snipits of things = great gave u a 5.

It was all good. I loved the way the plot and the actions were explained to us as the story evolved. Thanks to the author for a good one! I sure hope there will be more.

An editor, the English is so bad I could not get past half the first page. Incorrect idioms, tenses, words, spelling, even wrong words! Ugghh!

Hated the lack of editing.

I cannot wait until Book 2 comes out to conclude this tale.

the main hole in this story is that the husband WAS A WIMP, he was everything they were saying about him, then he committs attempted murder, kidnaps his children... personally, I think he's an ass, so I don't really care about a second part to your story.

forget what anyone said you did a good story line so let's see the finish - i was rolling with some of the things you wrote. go for it. show us the rest.

See title

a FUCKING IDIOT or just an UNEDUCATED MORON ? ? ?

I as well cannot wait for the sequel.

Just have been hearing crickets waiting for part two...lol.

Any kind of timetable for the next chapter?

Oh, and make sure you edit chapter one...okay?

this site isn't english 101.all the writers aren't professional.you critic cool it please.

Between the broken English and the over the top stunts, I quickly lost interest. That plus he kids. How the fuck old are they anyway?

but the sicko english majors didn't which made me like it more.

I think you need a follow-up to show the consequences of his actions.

Now this garbage is the result. "1*" !

To Anon who says Brits like to call themselves 'Lord'. Where does it say that this writer is British, when all the evidence says Yank! The writer does not give his location in his bio and Gino is not a British name. Perhaps he's ashamed of where he lives?

Going on evidence, Brits do not have 'Moms', we have Mums. We do not have 'Fire Departments', we have 'Fire Brigades'. Nor do we have 'neighbors' but we have 'neighbours'. Etc etc etc!!! All those are all American spellings. Seems to me it is American garbage!

Really needs editing. Many errors.

this story got too cute with the sublety and suspense.

A continuation of this story, you know it is a good flowing idea that should keep going. I realy LIKE IT . . . bill

give us more.

Just finish the story properly for 5*

it has been over a year do you plan on finishing this wonderful tale? boy when he gets his "back up" he really goes all out.

It's a great story. Good have used an editor. But not really sure if there could be a chapter 2. Other than heaping a little more misery on the wife's extended family.

Loved the story. Nothing like taking full-control of the situation.

two Ka Boom. TK U MLJ LV NV

So far but where is the second Chapter to put the story to an end. to find out what happens to the in-laws,the wife and what of him and the kids.

Great writing, but it is not finished and no second chapter in quite some time.

it needs an ending it kinda stopped a long ways short

A good start without a finish. Maybe FTDS can work his magic on this one.

BDEarth

Hey Gino....... I understand this is the first story you've entered in literotica but you need to get yourself someone else to edit your story. Lots of typos and Finish The Damn Story. Thanks............ samsiewamsie

English is not your first language. Your use of English is as bad as my Italian or Spanish or German would be. You definitely need an editor if you decide to write again.

Your story is quite interesting and it grabbed my attention. I enjoy how this father protects his kids. Thanks for writing and sharing

as acid and Technicolor cannot hide the plan of this story, TK U MLJ LV NV

star

This story has the potential rating of "5" but it just stopped. This is very different then most LW stories and I would like to read the next chapters. Being selfish, I want more

You state in the beginning this was a 2 Chapter Story. but there's only 1 Chapter. First the wife and Relative's and the Consequence's. Then he and the Boy's what become's of them. Do they ever see Mom again.

Hurry up and write chapter 2 please.

Try better with spelling eg. tied for tired. and the grammar.could be improved..

I guess the author died or something...this story will never be finished because he lost track of thyme or is that tyme!

It was Catherine's phone that caused the explosion in Christine and Brian's home. Smooth move.

Dickhead and the two bitches still have a lot to pay for, so burn them to the ground.

Interesting but quite unfinished!

Fucked that up

You didn't finish the story. Just left us hanging. What happened to Catherene? Did you ever reconcile? Do you go back to Canada? Did she accept the divorce?

Where did you get all your money?

Next to unreadable! I'm hoping english is a 3rd or 4th language because if it is your first or even second language you never made it past grade 4. The sentences and spelling are simply the worst I have ever tried to read in literotica and that is saying something! I figured the reason you didn't finish this piece of shit was you got lost and couldn't find your way home again.

People, use your "Norton Cluefinder" and re-read the ending Paragraph. Remember how the neighbors house blew up? Remember that, now re-read this:

And I also thought about the usual call Catherine make every morning to wake her sister up for a morning jog. The kitchen full of Town Gas didn't fit too well with the phone ringing.

So Catherine was out for a jog, and he destroyed his own house- and it's insured.

Both the wife and him drives BMW's,,,,So his job makes lots of money. For taking the trip? He had probably had an unlisted bank account- the problem with unlisted bank accounts is you can't write checks against it nor do you get paid interest.

Closet Cucks are the best!

A good blow up the bitch story. A good idea, but difficult to read. Always a good day when the cuck turns and wreaks havoc on his abusers. Hope there is a second part to this.

No, he DIDN'T blow up his own house! He filled his sister-in-law's house with gas, and when his wife called her sister, her sister's phone set off the gas. The explosion was so big that it blew out some glass in his house.

If he blew up his house, why were his s-i-l and her husband trying to stay with them? How could he throw them out of his house if it was blown up?

Too many spelling mistakes and very difficult to follow.

and spelling