All Comments on 'A Dragon's Tale Ch. 21'

Good Stuff. Keep it coming!

Its good writing but it was a filler chapter. I think you are cliff hanging to much this chapter was flat after how you closed the last one. Like something big would happen. But just a polite acceptance to the invitation from the dryads and now I'm looking at how big can the next chapter be. But in always waiting on the next part. It's easy to be the critic but hard to be the artist. Just keep going.

Pleaseee if you could just update a couple days earlier then the end of the month that would be the best thing ever lol

I like how things are coming along with Kendra, I love how adorable Taloni is, I'm worried for Selene... and... confused about how she's going to intersect Ethan's life again, though it seems clear she will somehow. Great chapter; looking forward to the next one!

That was a nice cliffhanger. Super appropriate. Thank you for ending it there actually. So good to have something to look forward to, rather than have an important set piece cutoff half way.

The stage is set. The players are ready. 3... 2... 1...

Also. Thank you Drago Kyrupto. Ethan's women have a tendency to hold themselves back and lie to themselves and him about their desires. Glad to have it out in the open so they can work through this.

Thank you again for your amazing story. Looking forward to the next. You and yours Be well.

Cliffhanger!!!! Love the chapter too many movie references otherwise 5 stars

I am absolutely hooked on this story it’s completely taken over all of my free time. The characters are lovely, the universe is grand, but the way angel was handled was beyond perfect this story may have sex but it’s far more enjoyable than that and for that I am beyond thankful.

New title name idea: How to cheat a dragon.

I loved the story, but there were some grammatical errors. This is incorrect:

“The ball is over there.” She said.

Only because ‘She said’ is not a complete sentence, you can’t capitalize it. Instead, you have to write:

“The ball is over there,” she said.

This is also correct:

“The ball is over there.” She smiled.

I know you had something similar in your story. ‘She smiled’ is a complete sentence, so you do not merge it with the dialogue, like what you do with ‘she said.’

You have to use a comma instead of a period because it is part of the same sentence. However, since question marks and exclamation points do not have to mark the end of a sentence, you don’t replace them with comma’s.

“The ball is over there!” she said.

So yes, it is grammatically correct to write:

“Is the ball blue? is the ball red?”

Crazy, right?

However, it can disrupt the flow of the story if you do.

Still, 5/5 stars.

Excellent, yet again, can't wait to see how the beautiful FBI agent gets back to the harem. JT

I started reading chapter 1 yesterday morning.

The fact I've just finished chapter 21 the following afternoon should tell you I'm hooked!

Thoroughly enjoying the story, most of the movie references are funny too.

After mentioning it so often, how come no trip to Walmart.

The strands of the story you are weaving are detailed and engaging.

After reading all the chapters consecutively, things stand out more than they may if read on release. The number of times Rachel had an odd feeling about how they addressed Ethan became repetitive.

Grammatical or spelling errors are few and far between, but spoil the flow.

Eg, on this page alone

So did his hoard below to him... belong not below

I wouldn't own you anything. owe not own

However that hasn't stopped a 5* rating from me for every chapter.

Please, please finish the story, however long it takes 🤞🏼

Anonymous "She said", your teaching about sentence endings is fun and accurate. It's also a great illustration of Skitt's Law. The plural of "comma" is "commas" not "comma's."

Skitt may have struck again in that last sentence of mine. I'll let you debate. Should there be a comma after "commas" or not? If so does it go inside or outside the quotation mark?

A wonderfully written story all the way through! I thoroughly enjoyed finding and catching up on this story. I'm looking forward to reading more! Thank you.

This is on-par with "The Solitary Arrow" at this rate in terms of this genre. Very well done.

Great story, just binged leaving many five stars in my wake! Great world building, a lovely cast of characters and just enough smut to make it interesting.

I have zero complaints, but you asked for constructive feedback, so here goes.

First off, vary your descriptions a bit more, both in content and word choice. Alanas chocolate hair, for instance: describe other features (button noses and tiny waists and does she wear earrings or shoes or still have her bracelet or style her hair differently) and use other words (damp earth, deep brown, dark); don’t describe dryad feet twice in the exact same way - Kendra and Ethan are going to notice different things, and those actually help describe our main characters, too: one is going to assess their threat in a fight, the other might note features they share with his elven wife.

I’d extend this to bit characters, too. Try to pick out features. Instead of “the necromancers last surviving guard” maybe it’s the guard with an eyepatch or yellow teeth or carrying a blood stained whip - it gives another basis for description and adds personality and makes them more unique than the abusive no name featureless arena champion.

The movie references are cute, but I think you’re delving into them way too much and if you want us to feel tension for character fate instead of comedy. And for that interaction specifically: refusing to give any info is actually much more memorable than a generic name, and at some point people need to refer to their boss as more than “that one guy” - even if it’s an obvious code name. Also, violating rights, bringing up tragic personal history, destroying someone’s career and then blackmailing them into missions where they are considered expendable all because they did something right is...well, it’s a really bad recruiting process and I’m super hoping to see a pissed off Selene fuck them over.

As far as a few tropes: medieval citizens would be very familiar with traditional plays, minstrel shows, puppets and even shadow puppetry they could readily quote phrases or scenes from; in a fantasy world like this, “movies are like illusions of plays projected on the side of a box called a television” probably isn’t that incomprehensible. Likewise, they would have large markets and merchant districts where everything one needs is within walking distance of vehicle-less townsfolk; noting its all shipped in to be sold by unskilled laborers and everything is owned by a far off family who gets all the profits probably isn’t going to be as impressive as Ethan thinks.

Looking forward to seeing more of the harem dynamics play out, especially some of the bdsm aspects. I think Ethan needs to start self enchanting. And also reconciling his dragon side, with some comments from the girls that it’s not actually that bad, just uncontrolled, and that he needs to stop pretending he’s just a human that looks like a dragon. Those first scenes with Beth were fantastic. His compassion and intellect with a dragons majesty and dominance would be much hotter than falling over himself to be super nice to everyone all the time. Some rope and gags need to be involved at some point (what good inspiration for breaking their telepathy through to each other!). And some more active wife recruiting! Good girl, Tee! They all want to, and somebody needs to realize that with their enemies: more wives means more magic means a powerful Ethan to protect their fellow wives and the baby (babies!). They aren’t evil, but I think some “we know what’s best for you and you’ll thank us later” would be fun to watch. As would a Rachel who realizes her own hang up and demands some mind control so she can be happy.

And finally, editing. There are a lot of mistakes, and they break the flow badly. I’d be happy to help, if you’d like: I’ve done some before, even on professional projects. Electric badger accessories at yahoo dot com, with no spaces.

Thanks again for sharing your work!

I absolutely love your writing. As others have said, there is still some work to be done in the editing process. I don't really care because I want these coming out as fast as possible! So keep doing your best, and thank you.

I’ve loved reading this story, it’s awesome and I love the creativity in dragons enchanting themselves and such.

A few pet peeves so far: Ethan isnt enchanting himself. He’s done it once, under great stress, and despite having days of not needing his mana or using it, and being constantly surrounded by his wives means his mama is regenerating very quickly.

So why doesn’t he enchant himself? Sure his entire body may be difficult at first, but he could start with his wings maybe? Enchant them for speed, strength, and durability so he can fly faster and better, and perhaps carry another without needing an enchantment one day.

Also if his wings got hard enough he could use them as shields. Which would be VERY cool XD!

I also noticed that despite being an adult dragon and fully giving into his instincts, he has yet to breathe fire. Is breathing fire itself something dragons actually enchant themselves to be capable of, making their insides fireproof and gathering gases over time(or heat?).

If that’s the case, Ethan’s knowledge of magic is pretty limited specifically to lightning, the weapon of God. So if dragon’s enchant their own breath attack... will Ethan be a lightning breathing dragon? Cause that’s got a whole “wrath of god” context in this world that works amazing in my imagination.

This is mostly me wondering, if I turn out to be right or if these ideas inspire you that’s just happy accidents :)

So I’m bugged he doesn’t enchant himself. He clearly cares and wants to be stronger to protect his wives, yet he’s done very little lately to make himself stronger. He knows that once an enchantment is made on a dragon they can strengthen it over time by giving more and more mana to it, so why hasn’t he even strengthened the current reaction-time boosting enchantment at least?

It honestly feels out of character that he’s ignored these obvious ways to be stronger and better protect the ones he loves.

Repetitiously inane.

The saddest part of this "chapter" was a good majority of it was a cut/paste job of previous chapters. It gets very old reading the same "conversations" between the lovers, page, after page, after page. They don't seem "worthy. He reassures them. They feel rising excitement and an "unseen intrusion" breaks up the culmination of eroticism. Old news, happened multiple times over the story.

Similarly, the piss-poor writing/editing, leads the reader to attribute certain voices to the wrong speaker. Minor spelling "mistakes" and the auto-fill option of the writing program impose the WRONG word altogether. At times it seems as if it was "interpreted" from another language and the author was too ignorant of English to see the improper word being used in stead.

It is sad to see so much hard work wasted by the laziness of the author. He/she has a good outline for a story, but lacks the skill to bring it to a ripe fruition. It would be a simple matter for a construction/content editor to fix (if there were any available in 2021).

I realize this story isn't near completion, and may regret it, but I could avail myself to "help" if it was considered. I am not one to piss and bitch without putting my mouth where it's needed - an offer.

Smokepole

duck n trout at yah oo.........

I realize people have made comments regarding the massive plot holes, but I decided to critique a few in hopes it'll explain some of the complaints so far. I apologize for the long post, but I see a lot of potential for future stories if the author slowed down and fleshed things out a lot more.

A big thing that bugs me personally. Consider this all one book. You shouldn't need to re-explain the same thing repeatedly between chapters. For example, If there's a traditional way of conversing with the Wood Elf King, you explain it the first time, then future conversations you just do it or give a small reference to what's happening. The reader will remember, oh yeah they have to do this quirky thing or yeah, that was explained a few chapters ago so lets focus on what's actually happening now. You should only re-explain it if you move onto a new book or sequel otherwise you detract from your story.

So to recap a some major issues from the early story just to give some examples of major plot holes:

Ethan and Alana are on the run through a forest with pursuers but are casually walking, talking and getting to know each other? No sense of urgency even though the single most dangerous person in the world is hunting them and they already had a near death experience once already. Ethan might not understand but I would expect Alana would have some idea since she lives in this world. Occasionally, they hear pursuers to push the story along again but otherwise it's just a nice little stroll until the end. I would have expected a bit more worry, hiding, checking for pursuit, covering their trail. Possibly traveling at night (because of their better eyesight) and hiding/sleeping during the day. Hell, Alana can communicate and see through wildlife eyes, why not talk to a bird and have it scout a little for them to make sure they are safe?

I'm harping on this because it's really a re-occurring theme that they never seem to learn. What! We're being pursued by a powerful, angry, rich lunatic? Should we keep a lookout? Nah, not needed. Oh look, surprise attack, who saw that coming? Oh, we have a dragon that can literally fly circles around us and check for threats like a scout? Nah, lets just go to sleep, it'll be fine. A wood elf that can talk to wildlife to check for things out of the ordinary? Nah, useless. They've literally been followed by one airship or another EVERY moment since they boarded the Argo. They have never had a lookout with a spyglass. That should be a near constant in a dangerous world where you are being hunted.

Next, Rachel kidnaps the local lord's children for the sole purpose of luring Ethan and Alana into a trap. But this lord has his own personal army that he would send to the rescue.

1. Why would Rachel ever think this is a good idea?

First, she will have the lord's guard immediately chasing after her for obvious reasons, which she would know since she's a lord's daughter herself.

Second, this goes against everything that people of this world know about a dragon's nature. So much so, that it's reiterated that dragons are selfish, power hungry, controlling and greedy over and over and over throughout the story. Keep in mind, only Alana knows he liked to help children in his past life. Only Alana has any idea what kind of person he is. No one else knows this, no one else would believe this about a dragon. No one would use children to lure a dragon.

Maybe this could be justified if Rachel witnessed Ethan directly interacting with Beth or her brother first. At least then there would be some sort of connection, but this still goes against common knowledge of dragons and would seem very strange to a local.

It would make more sense that Alana recovers first and is shopping/exploring town, perhaps trying to sell her staves. Rachel finds her, but Alana refuses to give up Ethan's location since he's still recovering. Rachel sets her trap by abducting Alana using the mercenaries but injures some people in the process. Now Ethan has a real reason to chase. Maybe the mercenaries injured someone important enough that a bounty is issued on their leader's head. Beth or her brother perhaps. Ethan learns all of this from Alana's uncle when he finally wakes up. The uncle could give him suggestions in Alana's place like their destination, learning to fly, helps acquire a spear etc.

As the story currently is and assuming Ethan/Alana go through with this anyway. Creeping up on a camp that's expecting them in the way they did? A camp that was setup entirely for the sole purpose of killing/capturing them and they slink in with absolutely no effort? Alana could probably do it since she's a wood elf, but a dragon that's been a dragon for less than a week and has never stalked through woods? A dragon that was previously a business owner in a 1st world country? Why would he be capable of doing this? I could see them using the lord's guards as a diversion while they slipped into camp and rescued the kids as more plausible.

Now why would that lord create an open contract bounty when he has his personal army rushing to the rescue? He would have made that deal with the captain and announced everything on their return. A contract bounty strikes me as a last ditch effort to save his children, not an opening act. Otherwise he's not living up to his shrewd reputation and just looks like a complete fool. A shrewd lord wouldn't announce his intentions unless it served some purpose either. It's more likely the lord would have kept this all as secret as possible to not worry the townsfolk or lose face. After all, if a lord can't protect his own family, then he'll look weak and maybe he's not so good at protecting the Bank... And from Rachel's rant to the mercenaries, the kidnapping was all done in stealth.

In my opinion the only real driving force for rescuing the children was the 50 gold reward for each child, which they never received. Arguably the single most important point of the undertaking was getting gold for Ethan and it was forgotten. That could have at least somewhat justified Ethan and Alana splitting up if she had sufficient money to do something with her life other than getting saddled with a job in the first city they arrived in. Not to mention that job isn't much different than the life she left behind, a life she was happy to break free from. Except now she's stuck in a city instead of the forest she loved as a Wood Elf.

Who in their right mind, given everyone knows how dragon's are with gold, would immediately put Ethan in sight of a massive pile of gold and say, "Don't touch."? He was promised a job at the bank for the contract bounty, but even a human wouldn't be immediately be trusted that close to the gold and informed of all the traps. Trust is in short supply in this world.

How is Heinrich already back in the city? It wasn't really clear, but it would have taken at least several (2-3 minimum?) days to get to the forest for a pack of men on horseback. The only time frame for this is based on how many nights Galthidur's trade caravan put Ethan/Alana in tents during his explanation, so possibly longer. Then searching the forest for the kidnappers and returning to the city empty handed. Even if they immediately found the ransacked campsite, they would spent time searching when Beth and her brother weren't among the dead. They should have been gone for a week at least. Keep in mind, they are on horses which probably travel 30-50 miles a day, not cars. More likely, the guards hadn't even reached the forest as Ethan returns to the city with the children. They shouldn't even know the rescue had occurred, but they are back the day after Ethan returns?

World building and Character creation:

In general, I feel like the author is trying to create this great new world but mostly ignores it or forgets what's already happened. You also have a newly arrived person to this world who needs to learn about things but doesn't bother to ask any questions. He just goes traipsing around without thought. Wouldn't anyone dropped into a brand new world have a million questions? And with such a beautiful guide, it's all the more reason to talk and flirt when they feel safe.

For example, this is the 10 Kingdoms... but what kingdom am I in if there are 10? Oh Alana, you're a wood elf, is there a wood elf kingdom? What species make up the kingdoms? What kingdom is my arch-nemesis a part of? How do the dragons fit in?

I assume there are other types of elves since you're a Wood elf? Oh there are dark and high elves? What's the difference? Do dark elves live underground? Do dwarves exist? What about other mythical creatures from Earth? Gryphons, Basilisks, Harpies, etc?

We can use magic, what all types of magic are there? How do I learn to use other types? Hey, I'm a dragon, can I breath fire or is that nonsense? How do I learn to do that? But nope, no interest whatsoever.

Ethan figures out how to enchant himself on the fly during a battle that he probably should have died in, but can't be bothered to further enchant himself for upcoming battles that should be even harder? Hey, I have better reflexes from my fight with a dragon hunter, but now I'm going to fight a real dragon. Lets make some grenades, which he magically knows the material ratio for without bothering to test! Do I need fire protection? Nah. Increase my scales toughness? Overrated. Make myself stronger? Nah, the dragon is only twice my size. There's no preparation except for some "brilliant" idea that Ethan has.

As is, the characters have minimal depth. It's really difficult to become invested in a story when everything is so cursory and, frankly, several characters are practically clones of each other with tiny variations. What's the real difference between Alana, Beth and Taloni? Their hair color and Taloni has wings. They are all hung up on the same exact insecurities and process the same exact thoughts. I kind of like this, well I don't hate it, but I don't mind it.

You have a hermit, a lady, and a former slave from 3 different races and cultures. Pretty sure they'd worry about different things and being naked in front of another woman would not be chief among them.

Wait, what?

Beth probably had maid's that helped her bathe and dress, think Taloni's wedding preperation but every day.

Taloni was a slave with probably minimal clothing, I'd expect her to be far more afraid of dressed men than naked women. Privacy isn't something slaves typically have from other slaves so the women probably shared some method of bathing or getting clean.

Rachel is the only one that seems to have a bit more personality, but you still have her processing thoughts about Ethan in the exact same format. Wait, what? When did I start having feelings for him? Wait, what? When did I start thinking this. 2 pages later, clone #2 Wait, what? I didn't know I started thinking that same topic #insert character name# thought about 3 chapters ago.

I don't know about most people, but my Wait, what? moments happen when someone else does something that shocks me. Not my own thoughts and definitely not 3 times a day.

If you give a gimmick to one character, don't suddenly introduce other characters with that same thing. For instance, if Ethan likes to quote movie lines (even though noone ever understands and constantly spends time trying to explain with still no understanding) then don't introduce characters that also constantly quote movie lines. Maybe occasionally for comic effect, but not routinely. That's Ethan's thing, but now you have 3 iterations of Ethan spewing movie lines: Agent Smithbond, Nathan and Ethan himself.. I personally think it only works for Agent Smithbond. It's just annoying with Ethan and slightly out of place with Nathan.

Give your characters unique personality that fit. Alana is a wood elf hermit in a forest with pointy ears. That's where her uniqueness pretty much stops. She could relate things to concepts she's familiar with in nature and forests. Her thought processes should be different from another woman with a different background, not exactly the same. Different things should bother her. She should have different insecurities, different important ideas. When have you ever met 3 people that had the exact same response to a situation? Any situation? But that's what happens here over and over.

Don't forget about your support characters that have been practically meaningless! You have 120+ year old high elf that's world traveled but should we ask her about destinations or wisdom? Nah, she'll just occasionally impart a little wisdom to a character who randomly has relationship thoughts.

Then you have Serif and Raklan who are apparently quite capable and knowledgeable about fighting dragons. I would surely ask their advice and knowledge about said dragons before going into a fight with one. But nope, I'll just park my airship near a dragon's lair that's already kicked my ass once. Then I'll field test my questionable new weapon, possibly in sight of said dragon's lair. Maybe I can ask if the grenade would be effective fighting dragons, if only I knew someone. Then go to bed to prepare to be ambushed. During all this preparation, I never once thought to use some mana to enchant myself further which is probably a dragon's greatest strength.

Sorry, this turned into quite a rant and really hope it helps improve future writings or a rewrite of this story. I think the story has tons of potential, but could really use some well thought out improvements. Highly recommend finding a proof-reader or editor that could help catch grammar and other mistakes that confuse the readers.

Story is excellent, but could do with a lot less of please-don't-be-mad-at-me or you're-amazing-no-you're-the-best-man. I liked the first chapters better, because the story is miles ahead of the erotica and had a faster pace.

Maybe I missed something, but hasn't it been a while since they wrote the note to the elder. They sent it through the portal stone, but to my knowledge they never received a response.

Just my thoughts,

Raven

After reading some of the negative comments, I must say I disagree with some of the things said. I like the story and I am willing to except some holes in the plot. As a writer it is hard to think of everything, especially when it is a story with many plot lines. I encourage you to keep up the great work and don't let the nay sayers get you down. Just my opinion.

The Drago is the first character intoduced that i have liked in a while, i suppose Kendra has her charm, and i like her thus far, but i hope this Kyrupto is handled well and becomes more than just a 1 chapter antagonist, id love to see him become a friend of sorts, or perhaps a mentor for Ethans dragon side. In all honesty, i just hope they dont fight him, that would be honestly very boring.

My brain can read words out of order in spelling. Figuring out a few typos is nothing. Don't stress yourself and ignore the numb skulls that only focus on that

Your writing is pretty solid. As you write now and grow into it you will get better.

Was going to make that sour kraut and my brats had been opened. Had to chuck them.

I will taste this fried kraut you teased me with.

Can a dragon's wing go straight back?

Ethan was in bed with his three wives. He is on his side(I'm going to assume for this example, he is laying on his left side), spooning with Alana. Beth is in front of Alana with Taloni behind Ethan. I understand his 'top'(right) wing being able to cover Alana and Beth. His 'bottom' (left) wing would have to be straight back or even farther to be able to cover Taloni. It didn't detract from the story, it just made me pause and wonder for a couple minutes. Still a 5 star story.

Just Idle pondering,

Buddy J.

I find the anon who wrote a whole speech about plot holes and such, doesn't know what they are talking about. Yes I see their point on some of them, but only from their point of view. Having said that I do somewhat agree with the first one. There was no sense of urgency when Ethan and Alana were fleeing from the men chasing them. It gave us a chance to get a better description of Ethan, but I think that might have been better on the way to Alana's house. After Ethan saved her life they traveled to her house. I think the creek bed scene would have fit there. But not my story just my opinion.

Oh no scout. humorous. If you were anyone on the Argo, would you want Ethan flying around to check for danger? He gets himself in enough with others around. Lets fly around and give the dragon slayers after them a clean shot at him. I understand using the forest animals to scout, but it doesn't say she can control them. Just see through their eyes. It would be blind luck to find danger that way.

Rachel didn't take the kids so Ethan would come rescue them worried about their safety. She did it so he would offer the contract. What Dragon would pass on the chance to work at the Vault? Oh Beth's father had an army to send...... No he doesn't. He has an army to defend the Vault. He can't send them off and leave the vault undefended. Which in his mind, might be why the kids were taken.

Then they get into character creation and their ideas go off the rails. It does make sense they would all be nervous about being naked in front of others. If the readers want a good example of why that makes sense, read when Alana is thinking. When Ethan and Beth are in the shower in a previous chapter. She pretty much lays out why she is, and it makes the most sense. Most people (outside of narcissists) can find fault with how they look, or how they measure up to others.

It's his story and he is doing a great job with it,

Buddy J.

This is "His" world and can do anything he wants.

For a fellow sufferer of dyslexia your editing is great. I recognise the same word substitution errors I make. Right Wright Write. Story is pretty polished for a self edited work you are down to only two or three grammar or substitution errors a chapter and the last actual typ. I spotted was two chapters back.

Love your Story.