All Comments on 'Hyeonverse: A Game For Six'

Thanks for sharing your story, Willie. You have an interesting style. I'll keep reading if you keep writing.

Unique premise. Hard to read, but worth it. Lots of moving parts, with six “players” and their accompanying screen names. I clicked back to page 1 a lot to remember who was who, although in the end it didn’t matter much with only Owen and Rosalie surviving. I do kinda feel bad about Rita - in the end, what she did with Adrien was pretty classless, but Owen hangs up on her indignantly? Really?

Good to touch base again with Cormac and Joe and the girls. I hope to read more about their world. Thanks.

yuk

A very interesting take. Combines "Battle Royale" with LW.

Too easy to get political so I'll just say to everyone: Use a good VPN.

Another wild, interesting trip with King Willie. Got a little confused at first, thought I was reading comments on a typical LW cheating story. Can't skim a KW story, you'll get totally lost. Always fun though.

Horrible formatting. A complete train wreck at every level.

1 star

It’s definitely unique, and I think very clever.

I think though, there’s an issue with the fact that you’ve got different people being introduced quickly, and then just as quickly, renamed. I completely lost track of who is who very early on. It was just done so fast that I didn’t understand who was who, or who I should be anchoring the story around - none of the characters were particularly relatable, so it’s difficult to view the story in terms of what each of the characters relationships were to each other, from on particular perspective (ie the character the reader has decided to follow). There’s no obvious protagonist, so to speak.

The online stuff is done well, and clicks, and I think the story itself is pretty clever, I just don’t think I’m too confused to know who is who, or why I need to care about any of them. I can’t even figure out who the mastermind is, either. Is it the green haired prostitute?

I’d pass this one by a content editor, and do a pretty heavy second pass, with some character color added, so we care more about them as individuals, if it was me, and then I think you’d really have something here.

Great effort though. Shows real promise in terms of plot creation.

A long, painful read.

That's all.

Thank you so much for your feedback and sorry for the formatting and weird blue coloring at the bottom of page#1, I really screwed up on this one; teaches me never to submit files directly imported from google.docs.

But it was difficult to follow in spots. Not exactly sure why, perhaps a little slower transitions ?? My $0.02

Really difficult format but I liked it. 4 stars

I suffered through 1 and a half pages and couldn't take any more

VPNs, rabbit holes, learn about DOXing and defencs against it etc. not bad practice even for basic online activities.

Good fun story, agreed it got a bit confusing with the rapid intro then switch of names and the hyperlinking on the text...oops :)

Some issues - Rosalie wasn't cheating, she explained that in her first post, even though she called it cheating, she also raised the question. So I would like to see Cerberus' explanation for including her (not that a psycho needs one).

Was hoping Owen and Rita were going to come to some sort of uneasy truce (more an enemy of my enemy rather than a RAAC), but then Owen turned into a instant arse when Katie phoned him, though with his thoughts of regret I think he would have at least spoken to Rita, at least on an honours even basis.

Why would Cerberus call it a draw?

Looks like it's set up for a continuation - Owen's employment offer, Kim's story?, Cormac's story?, Anymore from Rita? Does Roselie join with Owen after Colin dies? Does this go the Saw route and have similar games but with new and more inventive rules?

Looks like I'll be watching this space.

and it's wildly cinematic and is something Quentin Tarantino would have liked to have produced if he were half as good as he thinks he is.

Sheer, unadulterated genius.

Damn! The use of colour in text? A brilliant move!

If there was a story in this, then I didn't have the patience or inclination to comb through it to find what it was.

Very good original plot with many opportunities in a story arc.

Characters were efficiently developed some likeable some not but all interesting and believable.

I supported Cerberus, Owen and Cormac.

It was not clear how Owen escaped zip ties. Did his wife help? If so why was he upset that she distracted mouth breader. Oh well it was very good.

Bebop3, thank you for your patience with my style, I hope I eventually learn how to make it more palatable, sometimes I feel like I have a dozen ideas battling to make their way into the page.

Johntcooksey, thank you and sorry for the names thing, I went overboard this time. Yeah, Owen made that bed he's now resting on; I imagine that things are still a bit too raw for him (he just tried to blow his head off), but as days turn into weeks and months, he will realize that he has no one to blame but himself. Too late, now he's Cerberus' brand new errand boy.

Justwetwo, thanks, you've hit it right on the nail.

26thNC, thanks, mate.

Jezzaz, thanks and no spoilers! ;)

I did mess it big time with the formatting and added a bit too much with the characters and their usernames, I hope I eventually manage to get this writing thing under control with more practice, sometimes I bite more than I can chew.

Cerberus' ID is not revealed but it's definitely not Kim, the green haired prostitute (Merry's ex-wife from "Monster"). Cerberus actually mentions during the conversation with Cormac that "a very bad man paid me very good money to destroy her life"..

$0.02 Anon, thanks, mate.

Baddestmanalive, thanks. Sorry I've made this journey a bit rougher than usual.

kiteares, yeah, it's mindblowing the amount of people who cruise the net completely unprotected, just begging for Cerberus to grant them safe passage to Hell.

Cerberus is not very selective with his "players", he/she/they see people bragging about their affairs on the page and Hop-you-go!

Owen and Rita are done, in "Dark Reflections" Kate mentions she learned that apparently they divorced and he is ruined, paying alimony and child support for Rita and Adrian's child. Of course, at that stage he is one of Cerberus' assets, so who knows how much of that is true. He learned too late that he had destroyed his marriage and lost the one woman he ever loved. Or did he?

Cerberus is a complete prick, but he/she/they do have some sort of twisted sense of fairness; so once Owen pulled the gun on himself, he/she/they considered it game over.

Luckily for Owen, someone (yours truly) was counting the bullets.

MattblackUK, thanks. You made me wonder who Tarantino would choose to play Owen, Rita and Adrian. I do kinda picture Adrian as Sting (Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen) in Dune :)

Greyheaded1, Owen's pocketknife was in his keychain, it's the same he used to slash the tires of Adrian's Camaro.

I purposely left it in the open if Rita knew about it when she searched him, as I am sure not even Rita herself was sure what she wanted at that stage; to let Adrian kill her husband or for Owen to free himself and kill both after she paid him back for his extramarital affair.

No, DominantYetServile22, but the girls keep asking me to watch it because "it's SO very good".

I did watch an episode where a kid had a parental filer implanted in her brain that blurred violent or sexual content".

I've read online about its fucked up endings.and I went "do I WANT that much darkness in my life?" :)

How high were you when you wrote this???

.. does coffee count? :)

Hey, DominantYetServile22, thanks!

Damn, and I thought I was being SO original with my little Battle Royale-The Cheaters' edition-.

Kiddie porn watchers... WHY didn't I think of that? :(

I guess it's true what they say, all stories have already been told...

I will give it a try, it definitely sounds more and more like just the sorta stuff that's up my alley.

It may take a while, though; I only watch an hour of TV per day and I still have to finish binge-watching Daredevil, Punisher, The Americans (I am a complete sucker for mature Keri Russell) and Brooklyn nine-nine first.

Doctor Who, legion... OGod, when is Game of Thrones due again?

What exactly happened with them? Did he get his panties in a bunch because she fucked her abductor in front of him? I thought she was doing it so he could escape and happened to enjoy it, but I’m guessing I’m wrong.

Yeah, Owen clearly didn't like the taste of them apples. :)

Rita, OTOH, was conflicted. In part, she did it to get back at her husband, but since she didn't alert Adrian when she saw Owen had freed himself, I like to think her love for him still exists somehow.

At the end, she actually upped her performance with "Mouth Breeder", trying to get a rise outta Owen. Maybe she was egging her husband to shoot her as well?

In my head, I had whole essays with multiple choices for why she chose to do what she did, so I decided to leave it up the readers. :)

For one thing, this story is pretty damn dark and that doesn't work for a lot of people. Grim stories work for me, if they are done with some style and this one was original enough to click for me. It reminded me of the Saw movies with the psychopathic villain pitting the sinners against each other more than any Black Mirror episode. I liked the story concept in Saw, but didn't enjoy the gory execution of it.

A warning if you are going to watch Black Mirror; the episodes can range from horrible to excellent, so you can't judge it on a single one. The first episode, The National Anthem was so sickening that I almost never watched another. Then I jumped to a top rated episode, San Junipero in Season 3 and was blown away by how great it was. Be aware going in. Another similar show on Amazon is Electric Dreams, based on the Philip K. Dick science fiction stories; it is more consistent than Black Mirror with less peaks and valleys.

Finally, Keri Russell is and always was a favorite. Still magnificent as a more mature woman, she was impossibly cute with her long, curly red hair in Felicity. I didn't pay attention to the show, but I could watch her all damn day. You have good taste.

In my rambling earlier comment, I didn't mention what I came here to say before reading the other comments. This story is seriously underrated and deserves a much higher score.

Thank you, I am fairly new to writing,so I view these stories as my sandbox to play around, experiment and try to hone my craft.

Thanks for the heads up on Electric Dreams, I'll probably check it out first before diving into Black Mirror, as I am a big Sci-fi aficionado. It's a secret of mine, but at one time I watched Blade Runner back to back three times in a row. Oh, that poor, poor VHS take. :)

Keri Russell rules.

I like that reasoning, sometimes it’s better for readers to make out what happened. I see this story was related to another of yours I read yesterday. I’m wondering if Cerberus is Merrick from Monster now hmmm

Cerberus is one of the "black hats" that Merrick recruited to trap his wife Kimberly (Kim, the green haired prostitute).

In his/her/their phone conversation with Cormac, he/she/they say:

"A very bad man paid me very good money to ruin her life."

This storyline has potential, not claiming any expertise.

First of your stories that I've read. Very imaginative! Reminded me a bit of a "Law and a Order" episode where an insurance company had the insureds killing each other off.

Reading again. King Willie definitely takes you on a ride. It's been a while, so it's time for a new one.

Spend your time on this . It’s a waste. Incoherent blabla.

Totally weird and cool

Some solid writing here, but it did feel like a few different stories crammed into one, with very tenuous links between them.