All Comments on 'A Gift From His Father Ch. 07'

The story has been spread out over time so I might not be remembering it, but why would the step daughters have any powers?

But other than that, I really like this story. John seems to have a balance between being good and being selfish. Keep it up. I look forward to more

This is the third time I have gone back to read this from the beginning. I think the story line and characters are fantastic. I agree with the previous commentor that we need to know where the step-sisters got their power. I also think it would only add to polish an already "near perfect" story, if you had someone proof read it and make proper adjustments to the grammer, spell check doesn't do a very good job with that sort of thing. That having been said, please understand that I think the whole series, thus far, is awesome. I eagerly await the next series of chapters. Thanks for this very good story.

example: ___meanwhile, at the home of John's half family___ ___John and Mary's home___ or you could at least put a little " ----- " above a new part to the story. The dramatic shift in locations and perspectives made for a lot of confusion. Also I found many little errors that should have been caught before submitting.

I do like the characters and story but this chapter was a little weak in the details.

your protagonist can't improve your own intelligence and literacy. The writing and grammar continue to be problems. Like many authors here, you seem to think spell check is sufficient. The problem is that when you type you instead of your, or breast instead of breasts, or leave out articles, spell check will not detect this. However, most automated grammar checkers will. Even grammar checkers will not realize that you meant knees instead of needs as in "Heather on weak needs".

keep it up I assume that you will fill in details of the step sisters as the stories unfold and the ensuing conversation between dad and son should be interesting and educational. hope next chapters come sooner.

Breasts usually come in pairs. Are all the women breast cyclopses? And it's patients, not patience's.

Other than these and other misspellings — and the problems with Bay Area geography — the story is pretty good. Remaining moral in the face of extreme power is always a fertile subject.

I'll join the chorus of those who like the story concept and what you've done so far while urging you to fix the spelling and grammar problems. There are some paragraphs that require multiple readings to figure out what you really meant, and that's distracting from the story. It's like talking with someone who has a big, red zit. You try to look anywhere else, but you end up paying attention to the zit.

Long stories like this take a long time to write, and by the time you're done it's actually hard to see the spelling and grammar problems because you've read it so many times, but the polish is required.

RedJohnny

what kinda karma wii making his own mother a slut and hooker bring him? his dad may have started her on the path ,but he should be able to limit her sex to him and the women. plus with the women fgucking every guy in town when does he get a shot at em? oh wait he fucks and then turns everyother woman right. no bad karma there.

Alas I will follow in other reader's comments regarding the spelling/grammar issues. It does make me wonder if Literotica would have a list of people that perform editing for their authors or is it a word of mouth situation.

Anyway these things do detract from the story but at least the mistakes are few and far in between....apart from that liked the story...keep going!

Hopelessly inconsistent. He have to gain good Karma, and handing out women does that? Yeah right. And why would he want to have sex with women that have slept with every guy in town? That's just gross.

Your Zeal for showing that the kid used his father's powers not for his selfish desires is awesome..makes it to read with much more involvement

I have enjoyed reading this story from day one. Please continue writing it. There were some mistakes, but they weren't spelling so much as the incorrect word used. It still was easy to understand. As a tip when you proofread, read through sentences backwards it will stop you from reading the word you expect to be there. I really like how you are developing John's character and can't wait for the next chapter.

Because as others have pointed out, your story is good, the presentation is sadly lacking. :/

Throw me a message on the forum or email me.

And we can work something out.

Best of luck

Eos

Too many grammatical errors and wrong word tense or usage.

If someone has been editing for you then they have failed you. If you have not been using someone to copy edit your work then it is time to do so. You have an offer below by a member to edit your work. Seriously, make use of the offer. You have a good story; however, it is not what it should be with the distractions.

I truly hope you are going to continue the story, I have really enjoyed it so far and can't wait to see what happens next!

Love the way the story is going.

It has A LOT of potential!

Please keep writing this story!

THANKS!

This has been a wonderful story to read and I.look forward to more. I know that keeping so many story lines flowing is not easy but you are doing a great job and keeping it interesting! Thanks

Please continue! I am enthralled with your story! I look forward to each new update.

When is next? More! Cool thing you have going here.

Creative story line, but the errors in diction, grammar and spelling are as distracting as potholes in a highway; one must read around them to understand the story.

When writing fiction, an author's language creates a universe. Sloppy use of the chosen language tears holes in the fabric of that universe.

Even so, an author does not have to have a perfect product; that's the purpose of an editor. This story is good enough to deserve an editor. Please recruit someone from the Literotica editors group.

I like this story a lot and hope that you continue with further chapters. I must agree with the previous reviewer about the need for greater attention to editing particularly the repetative use of words in a single sentence otherwise very good.

Great story and I hope you will continue with it but as others have said the errors do make it a but hard to follow at times

i really enjoyed this and cant wait to read more but why cant you leave some hair on the pussy?

I understand this site doesn't pay for stories. However, if they paid for quality work, you'd owe them (& all readers) millions!!!

A flower with "peddles" (Like a panhandler) and an "its" with 50 apostrophes?! I stopped reading the series here, fearing it only got worse!

Hey give the author a break. This is a good story and I am enjoying it. Are the people that are complaining offering their services to edit? If not just stop reading and find another story that you like more. Gary. ;~)

Give them a break, & have offered my services as an editor in several times & places. It simply has not been accepted! Why?! Obviously, people like "absolute..." know there are many readers like me that don't possess great ideas for stories, & so assume we will be quietly happy with the decent stories posted, regardless if their million mistakes!!

why can't he do it for himself?

" He increased their English skills to college graduate levels, reading, writing and pronunciation, erasing any trace of an accent unless they choose to use it."

"Listen to me. I am speaking perfect English. Carmen, you try."

"Look at you," Carmen said, "You and me, we sound like we've been speaking English all our lives, this is wonderful!"

Alas, it must be like tickling, you can do it to someone else but not yourself. If only he could learn to use English on a college level when writing. Heck, I would even settle for acceptable conversational English. oh well.

Let me begin by saying that I have been enjoying this series. However, it is becoming increasingly difficult to ignore the continued horrid spelling, incorrect word usages, and grammar. In the first few installments, I gave the author a pass as this seemed to be one of their first attempts - and it s a great first attempt. But this is now the seventh installment and the errors continue. The mistakes knock you out of the story.

Are the triplets daughters of his dad? If so then they are his HALF SISTERS not stepsisters. I do agree with others about mistakes, but enjoy the story.

The others are right and the author is ignoring the feedback. Help is needed with spelling, word choice, and grammar. For example, nothing is metered out. It is meted out. And, the girls would be his half sisters as was pointed out.

My friend, you are doing an excellent job of keeping an interesting and sexy series alive. It is a very brave thing to allow people to read your stories and invite comment. Please ignore the mean comments, but do listen to critics. They are your best source of experience. My one suggestion: find an editor. Not all writers can edit their own material, but there are plenty of people out there willing to assist. Me, for example.

This story would improve much from gaining an editor and it has been remarkable fun to read.

and don't/can't use spell check, try an old editor's trick of reading your final draft aloud. You'll soon find it's not a final draft, after all.

Reading your writing out loud to yourself will help you catch missing words, poorly crafted/structured sentences, help you make dialogue sound more authentic and, overall, greatly improve your finished product. Your inherent talent deserves the extra work.

Something else you should do is find an older novel and read it, not for enjoyment, but to learn how the English language is used, how sentences are broken up into phrases separated by punctuation. I recall an English teacher I had in 7th or 8th grade explaining that punctuation allows a reader to breathe. Otherwise, every sentence is rushed out in a single breath and if anyone ever reads your work aloud, they would hyperventilate, or pass out from lack of oxygen, depending on how long your run-on sentences become!

(As an example, re-read my comment above and see how I used commas, semi-colons and periods to break up my thoughts, pace the explanations and highlight some comments over others. Unfortunately, I see less and less correct usage of punctuation in newer writing; it's why I recommended an 'older' novel.)

As many have voiced, though, you really need to find an editor. An editor will do more than just proof read and check spelling, they will help you keep irrelevant and unnecessary information out of your work.

For example, this chapter begins with:

"Surfing through numerous websites and downloading data became so much easier after he modified his computer; John thought as contemplated his new life and new abilities."

There is no real purpose in the plot or storyline for this info. You don't expand on it to develop your character further, and you don't use it elsewhere in the chapter. If you plan on using it in later chapters, either expand it or dump it and do something different later. You're telling a story, don't sidetrack yourself.

An editor will also catch contradictory statements. For example, when Hubbard snatched control, he made April addicted to John's cum. Then you write:

"she was like an addict going through withdrawal..."

April was NOT 'like an addict', she was, by your own definition, addicted to John's cum, so April WAS an addict going through withdrawal. Understand the difference?

I see what you were attempting to do, you just missed the mark. Something like, 'she was like a junkie needing a fix...'. Simplistic, but the point is, in my example I am equating April's addictive withdrawal symptoms from John's cum with a heroin addict's symptoms.

An editor will also catch the error you made when you introduced the half-sisters as identical triplets; so identical that John needed letters on their foreheads to tell them apart, and then John seems amazed the two of them look the same.

I wish I had the time to help you on an ongoing basis, I just have too much on my plate right now, (more than 3/4's of the new roof for my house is stacked in my yard and not on my roof. Given the rot I have discovered in the joists and rafters, it will be a long, long time before I have it all re-built since I am forced to do it myself, for financial reasons. Plus, I am now in my 60's and no longer able to work 10-12 hour days for weeks on end.)

Put yourself out there and ask for help, there are many Lit members who would love to help you develop your talent and see you learn to write properly.

this is the second time that I have read this story and it is as good this time trough as the first time I read it it has a great story plot and the way he delt with his step sisters was vantastic

Damn you! I'm addicted to this story line. 😜

Not a bad story, but the flaws really detract from enjoying it.

Spelling, grammar, etc.

(shuttered-shuddered: pedals-petals)

Citing from page 4, paragraph 23

...John understood the truth of the statement; women look more desirable wearing some clothing more than being completely naked...

Even women/girls OFTEN forget about the ages old saying, that men/boys should be considered as "explorers", or better as "discoverers".

Now tell me, what could be DIScovered when NOTHING is COVERED??? ;-)

FarmhandWhitey

I have really been enjoying this story. I do hope John will eventually put his step sisters in their place properly. Please do keep this going.

The thing is, I've been enjoying this story for the most part. Nicely managed scenes (albeit desperately needing the introduction of of scene break markers), well paced and fairly well written. I also appreciated the fairly consistent morality re: the abuse of power.

That, however, is a big part of the reason I struggled with the hypocrisy of this chapter. Now H.I.S and co' are guilty of temporary enslavement and sexual abuse - brutal and imprisonable crimes. But to permantly enslave, sexually abuse, aggressively rewrite their personalities against their will (key point, there) and even legitimately mentally handicap someone by tearing part of their intelligence out? That feels extraordinarily inconsistent at best, monstrous at worst. Considering this ring of power isn't Carte Blanche access to power, instead being predicated on a certain level of moral fibre, John's actions seem at the very least hypocritical here, sinking to a level below the offences in the first place.

Second time reading this story and just as good as the first time

Get a fucking editor

Others have mentioned some of the MANY errors in spelling and grammar

bur what the fuck is this

he didn't carry a lot of cash on him, but did have about eight hundred dollars

In what reality is $800 not a lot of cash?

lol its not if your shopping for high end stuff, for instance https://www.amazon.com/Saddleback-Leather-Doctors-Overnight-Bag/dp/B073PH3HFK?psc=1&SubscriptionId=AKIAILSHYYTFIVPWUY6Q&tag=duckduckgo-d-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=B073PH3HFK is a $549.00 bag i found in a quick search and the main character is sporting thousand dollar suits and $150(give or take) buck shades

PS thanks for the story and i have seen some of the grammatical mishaps but its still a great read so don't let the naysayer stop you from writing and posting please

This series is like a car crash. Has some truly awful moments, but you want to know who survives in the end.

Also, since I had a somewhat similar idea for a story involving an inherented magic item this story is helping me see all the pit falls in my plot.

I do applaud you for posting your story. What it lacks in class, it makes up for in courage.

I get they tried to rape him and murder him but reducing someone's intelligence is horrible, worse than torture. It got me out of the story.

I’m not a grammar Nazi by any means and have tried to overlook the numerous grammar issues but it’s just too distracting. As others have said this chapter was too dark. I strongly encourage you to find an editor and then republish the story. Ditch the making the girl dumb aspect. It kills the good guy vibe of the protagonist. I’m done with the story at this point. It’s just too hard to read in its current form.

John had a lot on his plate with this Chapter, and barely managed to get through it. His three half-sisters are real bitches, especially Heather, and certainly can't be seen as much help in pursuit of his mission to better things in his world. And his Step-Mother looks like a big handful, but one with more potential for him than do her daughters. Good Luck!

A PROOFREADER!!! This story is simply WRECKED for want of a competent line editor and a copy editor.

I like your theme and your intentions for this story, however you're flighty, you bounce all over the place. Furthermore, your grammar and punctuation is terrible. May I recommend Grammarly? It is initially free and may help you writing your stories.. You bounce around so much and overlook so many things that it's like you're an ADHD book writer, you destroy the audience and they don't even get a chance to enjoy your stories.

From your work I gather that your first language is not English or even American/English, you phrasing is more like German or one of the former Austro-Hungarian Empire vassal states, you tend to jump from tense to tense leaving your English-language readers confused.

Dear AbsolutelyWickedThoughts, I have seen comment after comment about all your grammar mistakes and typos, ... a recent commenter, a Gym52, was speculating on whether your 'first' language was German or from one of the former Austro-Hungarian Empire vassal states, and I suspect he is right, that English is not you 'first' language, ... however, you have written a story that is creative and is holding my interest, ... if you are use this story telling as a way to improve your English skills, then Bravo! ... you are succeeding nicely, ... you truly tell a fine story, thank you! ;-) TTFN

Almost disgusting!! Rape is one thing and the physical form of it can be overcome in time and the individuals willpower. However, rape of ones mind is inexcusable! While i have seen a rapist killed on the spot and never once felt it was unjustified, the ability to rape the mind of thoughts and control…OH HELL NO!! Those that i caught doing that would beg for a death that would be long in coming!!! I can only surmise that people that would write such as this should be placed on a sexual predator watch list and possibly have sexual predator tattooed on their body!!! They have some serious mental defects that make them a danger to polite society! Good thing there are those like myself that embody vengeance and justice and piss on the rule of law when it becomes ineffective…think on that before you decide to stray outside this written domain.

`And the sisters and John are HALF siblings. Not his step sisters. Half sisters. Same farther, different moms. HALF siblings.

Great job, thanks for sharing your work.