A Gift in Disguise Ch. 03

Of course, I didn't tell Lorraine that Kim and I had already had nearly the same conversation.

"Thank you, Tom. I appreciate your confidence and trust, and I'm sure Kim does, too. I don't know when Kim will return from Miami, so I think we'd better postpone your test that Kim, Jamie, and I were going to do Saturday."

I thought about it briefly, then asked, "Why?"

"Well, Tom, I don't know exactly where to place the sensors Jamie developed. Kim was going to do that."

"If Jamie developed the sensors, doesn't she know how and where to put them?"

"Well, yes, I suppose she does, but you've only met her once, Tom. And from what she told Kim and me, their placement is more extensive and 'personal' than what you've experienced with an EKG. Not only that, you will be fully unclothed. And of course, you will be masturbating or getting a hand job."

"Lorraine, with my permission you showed Jamie the video of you and me having sex -- when you were wearing her electric dildo."

She didn't respond.

"So why would I be particularly concerned about her sticking the sensors on my body. There's nothing I have she hasn't already seen, is there?"

"No, but ..."

"Well, why don't you explain Kim's emergency to Jamie, then let Jamie decide if she would be too uncomfortable to do the test on Saturday? But just so you now, I'm quite comfortable with Jamie."

"I suppose I can do that. If she wants to go ahead, we'll have the data available for Kim's examination whenever she can look at it. And Jamie will have a chance to evaluate it from an engineering perspective by then. Yes, that might work."

"And if Kim wanted you to, you or Jamie could probably email Jamie's data to her -- if she will have time or be of a mind to look at it."

"All right, Tom. I'll check with Jamie and let you know. Thanks." Although she had been agreeable, there was clearly some apprehension in her voice.

We disconnected. It would be no surprise if Jamie wanted to postpone the test. I certainly wouldn't blame her. Still, I must admit being a little turned on by the prospect of her putting her hands on me. Likely that was because of my self-imposed celibacy in anticipation of Saturday's test. It wasn't as if Jamie was some sexual siren that gave me a hard-on every time I thought about her (which wasn't all that often anyway). But maybe because of the similarities in our engineering backgrounds, there was some level of physical interest, at least on my part. Or maybe it was because of something else. Regardless, the thought of Jamie touching my naked body did not repulse me.

And I did appreciate both Kim's and Lorraine's concerns that our project to research my "gift" might cause discomfort or harm to me. I didn't share their concerns, but I appreciated them.

When I returned from classes on Friday I was surprised there was no voicemail from Lorraine. I had expected her to call and leave a go-no go for the Saturday test. I was getting ready to prepare dinner when she called.

"Hi, Tom," she began. There was still some tension or apprehension in her voice. "I spoke with Jamie. I told her about Kim's and my concerns. She would like to meet with you and me tomorrow to discuss something that may bear on your decision to proceed."

"Okay, that's fair. What time should I be there?"

There was a long pause.

"One o'clock."

"Okay, that works for me," I answered rather casually. "Incidentally, have you heard from Kim? How's her husband doing?"

"She called late last night from the hospital. He's critical, still in a coma. The stroke was apparently caused by a clot in his brain. Unfortunately, he had it on the airplane, and it took about 30 minutes to divert his plane to the nearest airport, Miami, and get it on the ground. The cabin crew could only give him oxygen. It's day-to-day on his survival, but with each day he survives without worsening, his chances will improve. As for long-term, they have no idea. Being a neurocardiologist, Kim has a more realistic understanding, and I sense that she feels his outlook is not good. Still, what I was hearing in her voice may simply be fatigue and concern."

"All right. Well, if you talk with her again, please give her my best. And I'll be at your place at one tomorrow."

Driving to Lorraine's I was experiencing atypical uneasiness. It was one of those inexplicable intuitive feelings that something is going to happen, but I really couldn't pin it down.

When Lorraine answered the door, her greeting smile looked forced, her voice ever so slightly strained. She had heard nothing this day from Kim, and the small talk we made walking to her office did nothing to settle me.

Jamie was seated in Lorraine's office, but she rose to greet me. She seemed much more comfortable and at ease than Lorraine did.

After offering something for us to drink, which we both declined, Lorraine got to the purpose of the meeting. She was clearly feeling some distress when she spoke.

"Tom, as I told you on the phone yesterday, Jamie feels that ... well, Jamie, why don't you go ahead and explain."

Jamie looked at me for a moment. She was relaxed and at ease, certainly in contrast to Lorraine. She spoke calmly and evenly without any outward discomfort.

"Tom, I told Lorraine and Kim that based on their analysis of your last sexual polygraph examination, you needed to know something about me if I am to continue working with them and you in researching your 'gift.' Simply, I am emotionally, psychosexually, and in nearly all ways physically a woman. But in terms of genitalia, I am a man. The easy but very inaccurate and incomplete term most people would use to describe me is 'transexual woman', a person born a man but who chooses to acquire or adopt the sexual characteristics and behaviors of a woman. In my case, it really isn't that neat and simple. Lorraine and Kim will confirm this both psychologically and anatomically.

I am somewhat like you, Tom -- a medical mystery. I have a fully-developed penis and scrotum, not a clitoris and vagina. I do not produce sperm and am sterile. Psychologically and certainly physiologically, all of my other sexual characteristics, mannerisms, and behaviors are those of a woman. That's because I am a woman, albeit a woman with a penis and scrotum.

The medical profession, such as many of them are, decided I needed to be studied and written about. After a couple years of testing, they determined there was nothing in my parents' medical histories or in mine that would explain my difference. They began to talk about doing extensive genetic testing, but I finally told them, ' Excuse me. Fuck off so I can live my life.' I was fortunate to find Lorraine and Kim. They have helped me become very comfortable with my own sexual anomaly. I can define it, even if others can't. I am comfortable with it."

She paused, perhaps expecting me to express shock or anger. But she had spoken so directly and matter-of-factly that my reaction was more one of curiosity than anything else. She clearly hadn't been going for the "shock value", so I hadn't been shocked. Oddly enough, my interest and questions seemed to put her more at ease.

Jamie answered all of them, from the purely curious to the scientific and anatomical, candidly, concisely, and comfortably. Unlike a transexual woman, she had needed no cosmetic surgery to look more feminine; she already was a woman. As she and Lorraine explained, Jamie's only outwardly masculine feature was the full development of a penis and scrotum instead of a clitoris and vagina.

In response to my question about why she had simply not had surgery to remove the penis and scrotum, Jamie responded with disarming ease. "Because I am who and what I am, regardless of how others might define me, and I am very comfortable exactly as I am. I see no reason to jeopardize my physical and emotional well-being by mutilating my body in order to simply conform to what other people might want me to be.

And, too, as Lorraine has said, there is a lot of psychological baggage that goes with the surgery. Normally, it would have been done on me as a new-born baby once the doctor realized the anomaly. There were many reasons why that wasn't done. Some of the blame rests with the doctor and some with my parents. Regardless of who was at fault, too much time had elapsed, and infantile surgery was no longer an option."

She paused, then laughed genuinely when she continued.

"I imagine it was tough on my parents, talking with school officials about why I really could not participate in physical education programs and other school activities. From what I understand, school officials could not wait to sign just about any waiver my parents gave them to get me out of anything that might have revealed my oddity.

Fortunately, my parents were able to home-school me without any opposition whatsoever from the various school districts. By the time I reached college, I was able to define and explain my condition and get the necessary waivers on my own.

Still, I had some issues, and thanks to first Lorraine and then Kim, I've been able to very successfully adapt."

At some point we found ourselves talking very comfortably about her sexuality as opposed to her physiological gender definition.

"There are few people who know about my condition. I would characterize myself as being a bisexual woman. I would be comfortable having sex with a heterosexual man, but as you can imagine, a heterosexual man just might have some teensy difficulty adjusting to my having a fully-developed penis. I do not participate in oral or anal sex, so as you can see, my sexual options with men are limited. Perhaps recognizing that I am, in fact, a woman, other bisexual women are far more accepting.

When I am aroused, I have an erection just like you do. I ejaculate through my penis just as you do, but I produce no sperm. My arousal and orgasm follow the process and pace of a woman's arousal and orgasm rather than a man's. That was determined by doing a CT scan on me while I was being manually masturbated. Unlike men, or at least most men, I can experience multiple orgasms one right after the other. Some women have an enlarged clitoris, a condition known as CAH or clitoromegaly. That is not my condition. I was born and am a woman with a penis instead of a clit and vagina."

As she spoke, my eyes had drifted down to her lap. Without either missing a beat or embarrassing me by calling attention to my gaze, she simply went on, saying, "... and it is indistinguishable in any way from a man's whether it is flaccid or erect."

After a few more brief exchanges, Lorraine interjected.

"Tom, after discussing this with Jamie, do you have any concerns about her continued involvement in our testing?"

Without hesitating, I responded honestly, "No, of course not."

Judging from the looks on their faces, both Jamie and Lorraine seemed mildly surprised as well as relieved, and I thought an explanation might be in order.

"Jamie, let me be clear. I understand as much as I can everything you said. I see and accept you as a woman, so don't assume I've become confused. I haven't.

Three years ago when I was an undergrad, some of my fraternity brothers decided it would be funny to have a transexual woman come on to me at a bar -- without my knowledge, of course.

Her name was Stephanie. She was very attractive, a very nice person. She was a good conversationalist, and we enjoyed talking and dancing in the bar. Eventually we left the bar together. Once we were outside in the parking lot, I kissed her, and she kissed me back. We both expected it would lead to sex, but at some point, I felt Stephanie's erection, and I stopped.

She was surprised when she learned that until that moment I had been unaware she was transexual. She explained that my frat brothers had told her that I preferred transexual women. It was then both Stephanie and I realized we had been deceived by my supposed friends. We shared the same reaction -- mild anger -- that we had both been exploited by them. We had become remarkably comfortable talking with each other, so we quickly came up with a retaliatory scheme of our own.

We noticed my 'friends' watching us through the window from inside the bar, so we appeared to be kissing and fondling each other. It was all we could do to keep from laughing as we imagined their reactions to what we appeared to be doing. Then we left together, but instead of going to have sex as they no doubt assumed we would, we simply went and got a cup of coffee. Basically, we went on a date.

We talked a lot, and as we did, we found we liked each other, even though a sexual liaison would almost certainly not be an outcome. But per our scheme, I let my fraternity brothers believe that Stephanie and I had, in fact, become sexual partners. Then I dropped the bombshell on them. I told them I intended to bring her to the frat's formal Christmas dance as my date. The thought of a transexual coming to one of the frat's formal annual functions freaked them out. They objected which, of course, was their downfall, because it forced them to admit they had set both Stephanie and me up. Shortly after that I left the fraternity.

I've stayed in touch with Stephanie. She's still got more class than my former fraternity brothers. We occasionally get together, and thanks to her, I have become more -- maybe 'understanding' is the right word -- about transexuals. Jamie, I understand you're not a transexual woman, that you're a woman with an atypical feature. I'm not going to let that define you in my interaction with you. You are who you are."

"Tom, you never told me about this," Lorraine commented. "Your contact with Stephanie may help explain your arousal to the transexual women you saw in the video during your last sexual polygraph. In effect, your comparatively positive contact to one who appears to be a very well-adjusted transexual woman may have caused any aversion you might otherwise have to have been minimized. But just to confirm, you've never had any kind of sexual contact with her?"

"No, aside from the for-show kisses and fondling in the parking lot, but we are definitely friends, and I'm not ashamed of being her friend."

"That may also help explain your lack of any averse reaction to the phallus I wore while you and I were having sex. Frankly, Tom, I expected you to decline to proceed once you saw it on me."

Something came over me. I don't know quite what it was, but I looked at Jamie, then spoke in response to Lorraine's observation.

"Lorraine, I wanted very much to have sex with you because you are a woman. Adding the phallus didn't change what you are -- a very sexy woman, just as Jamie's having a penis doesn't change the fact that she's a woman."

I looked first straight at Lorraine, and then back at Jamie to make sure they both clearly understood what I said next.

"I appreciate your both being very honest with me, and I'm going to be very honest with both of you. Jamie's having a cock simply doesn't matter to me insofar as my interaction with both of you is concerned.

Jamie, if you're willing to proceed with helping us learn more about my 'gift,' then I certainly am not going to object. In fact, because you and I are both medical mysteries, your perspective might add an otherwise missing dimension to help us analyze what is happening. During the course of our interaction, I am going to be sexually aroused, but understand something, I won't be shocked or offended if you become aroused, too."

Jamie became very serious. "Tom, there's one other thing you need to think about very carefully before proceeding. In my case, I am what many and maybe most people call a 'freak of nature.' It's a cruel label, and I don't think of myself that way, but other people do.

I don't know how they found out about me, but some exploitative people contacted me. They weren't interested in science; they weren't interested in my well-being; they were interested in exploiting me for money. You would not believe how much money they offered me to make porn videos and have sex in front of an audience in private clubs. I gave them the same answer I gave the medical researchers who wanted to exploit me to enhance their own research credentials.

In your case, Tom, if we are able to identify and quantify your 'gift' and in spite of our best efforts to protect your privacy, I'm quite sure you will -- not might -- will, experience the same attempts to exploit your 'gift.' In your case, it won't be for entertainment purposes. The people who will be contacting you will be wearing very expensive suits, sitting in the board rooms of major pharmaceutical companies around the world, and offering you money to share your 'gift' with them.

What I'm getting at, Tom, is that any research which identifies the source of your gift may also identify how your gift can be introduced into others. In short, Tom, the profits from the PDE5 inhibitors, you know them by their trade names such as Viagra and Levitra, will pale in comparison to what your 'gift' would generate if it could be bottled and sold on the open or black markets. Men, women too, will pay obscene amounts of money to be able to induce intensified orgasms in others or themselves. Please consider carefully if you want to proceed with us. If you do, I'd strongly suggest at some time you speak with a lawyer who has expertise in this type of representation. You are going to need more legal protection than you realize."

Jamie was deadly serious, and I could tell from Lorraine's facial expression she had already had this conversation with Jamie.

"Jamie," I asked, "Is there any way we could proceed with researching my 'gift' and at the same time protect all of our interests -- and I'm not just talking about financial interests. You, Kim, and Lorraine all have careers that could be jeopardized by information leaking out. So do I, for that matter. But each of you, in your own area of expertise, stands to use the benefits of my gift to help other people overcome physical or psychological barriers of their own. At least for me, the consequences of exposure are less than for the rest of you. I'm in favor of proceeding deliberately and carefully, but you, Lorraine, and Kim may have even greater concerns."

The tension in Lorraine's expression dissolved, and they both broke into wide smiles.

"Tom," she said, "In fact Kim, Jamie, and I had this discussion long ago. We agree that the answers to the mysteries of your 'gift' are worth pursuing, and we also agree that the possible long-term benefits to countless people make the risk worth taking. But it is your gift, your body, your life, and therefore completely your decision.

We have spoken in general terms about your 'gift' to an attorney, a woman who has successfully represented many people with interesting and complex intellectual property issues. If you decide to proceed, then with your permission, we'd like to fully involve her in protecting you and us from -- well, we don't know what. Obviously all communications with her are privileged."

It didn't require any thought on my part. "Of course, Lorraine, tell her whatever you need to tell her about me and my 'gift.' Just one question, though: How much is this going to cost me?"

"You mean for the attorney?" Lorraine asked?

"Yeah, they don't work for free."

"It won't cost you anything, Tom. She is the attorney Kim, Jamie, and I use to protect our professional interests. In Jamie's case, she helps keep the predators away. She has been retained to represent us, and I suspect she will be intrigued enough by your 'gift' to represent you as well under our retainer."

After considering it, I agreed.

In an effort to move on to another topic, I continued, "Lorraine, you and Jamie should know that a few days ago Kim and I had sex at her house while she was wearing Jamie's phallus. Just like yours, it overheated. I'm sure that when she gets back, she can get it to Jamie for evaluation, but I imagine the failure analysis will produce the same results as yours, Lorraine."