A Healing Love

"Tessa, didn't you say that the man from your group played keyboard?"

"Yes. I think so, why?"

"Only because he is drop dead gorgeous!"

"Stop staring! I have to face the man in group. Don't you dare embarrass me."

Tim came back with the drinks and that gave Tessa a minute to assess Mark. Tall, square chin, dark hair, blue eyes, broad shoulders, muscular build. Tessa thought it funny she hadn't really noticed before.

"What do you mean you hadn't noticed??? You're a widow, you're not dead!!"

Tim and Tessa laughed at Hannah's animation.

"Tim, if she get's out of hand tonight, you are taking us home. Agreed?"

"You know what she's like. If the two of us can get her to the car, then yes. Agreed."

"Honestly," said Hannah "you act like I don't know how to behave in public!"

Tim and Tessa burst out laughing. "Dear, you obviously don't remember the October Festival last year. Let's just say, we were taking you home or the police were taking you home. They let us take you because you were a little too wild for them."

"Pshaw. I wasn't charged with anything. I think it is all in your imagination."

Mark had come back into the patio area and was warming up and checking the sound equipment. He was in white jeans and a denim shirt. He did look a lot like Pierce Brosnan, Tessa thought to herself. He saw her at the table and waved. A minute later he came over to the table.

"Glad you could come out tonight."

"Tim, grab that chair and let the man sit down."

"Oh, okay. Thanks."

"Mark these are my friends Hannah and Tim. However, if she gets out of control tonight, it will just be my friend Tim."

"Nice to meet you." Mark said.

"Good to meet you. We heard you play once before and it was fabulous." gushed Hannah.

"Thank you. We're all retired so it keeps us out of trouble."

"What will you be playing tonight." I asked.

"We try to mix it up. But it will be a little bit of everything. Let us know if you have a request. I'd better go. I'll try to speak to you during the break."

After he had gone, Hannah said to Tessa. "He seems very nice."

"Yes, I think so. I barely know him myself.

The band started to play. They were really good. Tessa watched her new friend as he played keyboard and sang back up. He was more handsome than she had allowed herself to consider. There was an easy banter between the band members that amused the audience. He was right. They played an eclectic mix of classics. Hannah made sure Tessa always had a drink in front of her.

On one of the faster songs Hannah pulled Tessa onto the dance floor. It was easy to dance with Hannah. She made one feel free. Tessa had a sensual way of dancing. There were no exaggerated moves, but she felt and anticipated the music. Some might call it soulful. Tessa glanced over at Mark while she was dancing and he was watching her. She nodded to him and kept dancing. There were moments like this where she actually felt guilty for having a good time. But one look at Hannah and Tessa banished the thought.

The band took a break after that song. Mark came over to the table. He brought a drink with him. Hannah asked Tim to help her at the bar. It was so obvious that she wanted to vacate a seat for Mark and take Tim with her.

"You sound great. I'm impressed."

"Thanks. You dance great."

Tessa laughed and shook off the compliment. "Hannah doesn't like to dance alone so I am pulled onto the floor."

"It's good to see you in a happier setting."

"Yes, you too. And I agree. Your music certainly does chase away the blues."

"Did your husband dance?"

"No. Not at all. And if forced to, he would make a gaffe out of it. How long have you been playing music?"

"Practically all my life. I started piano lessons at ten, I think."

"I'm sorry. What?"

Mark leaned into her and said into her ear. "I said I started piano lessons at ten."

Tessa picked up his cologne. It smelled nice and it suited him.

"I showed you mine. You show me yours." Mark said with a smile.

Tessa shook her head and gave him a questioning look.

"Your artwork. I'd like to see it some time."

"Oh." She laughed. "Sure, if you would like. I have a studio behind the house. It has lots of light and is well ventilated. Er, which is good when you're working in metal."

"What would Connie think of us fraternizing outside of the group?"

"Oh, I'm sure if she were here, she'd be ripping up the dance floor with Hannah."

He laughed. "Probably so. Hey, listen. My break is almost over. I have to go to the restroom. Do you need anything from the bar?"

"No, I'm fine, but thank you."

He touched Tessa's shoulder as he maneuvered around her chair.

Tessa thought it felt strange to be out and talking to a man. It was a little uncomfortable, but she knew she had to get used to such things.

Hannah and Tim returned to the table. "How did it go?"

"Fine. Thanks for the not so subtle exit."

"Sorry. It was hard to think of some way to give you a chance to talk."

The band returned. After a while they played a slow song. "Go, you two go dance. So, Tim and Hannah got on the dance floor. An older gentleman came over to ask Tessa to dance. "I'm sorry, no thank you." She looked at Mark after and he had seen it.

When Tim and Hannah returned, they asked if she wanted to go. "I'm ready to leave whenever you are."

"Okay. I think we are both a little beat. Are you sure you're okay to go?"

"Yes, of course." As she stood to leave, Tessa looked over to Mark. She waved and mouthed 'good night'.

Tessa had a good week. Somehow the night out with Tim and Hannah had lifted her spirits. She made one of her specialties, scones with mock clotted cream. She took them to group on a two tiered plate with the cream set to the side in a dish. "These are orange chocolate chip and those are lemon blueberry."

Once again, the group was into the food. Darlene had brought fudge from Amish country. The group members were in heaven. Debbie had had a bad week. She had some medical difficulties and was in the hospital for a couple of days. It reminded her that Al was not there to share the bad days.

"Why didn't you let the group know? I'm sure that there would have been a few of us able to come see you and help if you needed anything." said Connie.

"I don't know. I didn't want to bother you. My girlfriend Gale come for me."

"One of the purposes of the group is for support. We can't give it if we don't know. So, let one of us know and we will pass the word along."

The next day, the phone chain kicked in. We decided to take food to Debbie's house. Tessa made a pasta salad from pasta and cucumbers and tomatoes from Hannah's garden. Mark picked up some crusty bread from Panera. Connie made a pineapple upside down cake. And Sherry made chicken salad.

Tessa volunteered to take it to Debbie's house. Mark was her last place to stop before taking the food over. "Hi. I wanted to tell you how great you and your band sounded, but wasn't sure I should say anything in front of the group."

"Thank you. It's always nice to have a friendly face in the audience."

"Do you want to go with me to Debbie's? We can grab a bite to eat after if you have time."

"Sure, that sounds great."

Debbie was quite surprised and a little emotional about the outpouring of care. "You all shouldn't have gone to such trouble."

Tessa said, "We wanted to. Support, remember?"

Mark said, "How are you feeling today?"

"I'm alright, just a little tired."

"Is there anything you need?" asked Tessa.

"No, this takes care of food for several days. Thank you."

"Alright, good. We should be going. You take care." offered Mark.

"By sweetie. Call if you need anything."

Tessa and Mark drove away feeling good about the mission. "Where would you like to get lunch?" Tessa asked.

"How about the little diner on 5^th street?"

"Sounds good."

After ordering the food, Mark asked Tessa why she didn't dance with the man who asked on Saturday night.

"I don't know. I didn't feel like it. It's just difficult to see men in that light right now. It took Hannah's reaction to you, for me to really notice how handsome you are."

Mark looked a little sheepish and said, "Thanks."

"She's a big fan of yours now."

"She seems like a fun person."

"She has been my rock through all of this. We were friends before Jason died, but since we have become much closer. We have some form of communication almost every day."

"That's nice. My daughter Janet has taken on that role for me. I wish she wouldn't worry so much. I'm fine. It's just going to take some time."

"How are you sleeping?"

Mark looked surprised and admitted, "Not like I used to. I get up at least once a night."

"Me too. It's actually one of the reasons Hannah pushed me to go see the doctor who pushed me toward the group. She also gave me a script for a sleep aid."

"How is the sleep aid working out?"

"Good. I don't take it every night. Only when it's 3:00 am and I'm staring at the ceiling. I mean. I'm exhausted, right? But just can't get my brain to shut off."

"I know. I start reliving the day she died and how I found out."

"Me too. I mean, I was there, but yes. I do the same."

"What is that about? It's the most traumatic moments of my life and I keep reliving it?"

"I think it's normal. Like the brain is trying to process the unimaginable."

"I suppose. I hear an emergency squad siren and it puts me in a panic."

Tessa put her hand over his on the table. "It will get better. Or so, I've been told."

"Thanks."

Tessa removed her hand and took a tissue out to dab her eyes.

The food came and it was delicious. "It's nice to eat with someone. I miss that."

Mark responded, "I know, me too."

"Anytime you want to grab a bite to eat, call me. It's hard for me to stop when I'm working in the studio sometimes. But most of the time I'm available."

They chatted more about their families over lunch and Tessa drove him home.

"Thanks! That was a nice outing."

"For me too. Bye!"

Group that week was interesting. Debbie sent her thanks to everyone, but had been told to stay home and rest. Fred brought cherry pie from a local bakery. Darlene was torn up about a court appearance where the driver of the car was arraigned. It was not a verdict or a sentencing but Darlene had vowed to appear at every court appearance.

She was upset that the woman seemed flippant. She had never received an apology from her. It was almost as if the mistake was too great for her to take responsibility. Darlene's feelings were raw. Tessa was sitting next to her and gave her a tight hug.

Tessa looked at Mark and he looked a little shaken. His wife had lost control of the car when it hit ice and she ran into a utility pole. There wasn't a person responsible, but she also died on the road. And both accidents were tragic, violent deaths.

Tessa wanted to ask if he was okay, but knew it was up to him to decide if he wanted to talk about it. She did however, make eye contact with a sympathetic look. He nodded in answer. Group ran a little late as everyone wanted to make sure that Darlene was alright.

At their cars, Tessa asked Mark if he wanted to talk. He hesitated. "Come on, come over to my house and let's have some coffee, or something to drink. Otherwise, you're going to have a sleepless night."

"Okay. Where do you live? Just follow me. Call me if we get separated. You have my number on you?"

"Yes. I do."

At Tessa's house, Mark said, "Wow, I like the style of your house and your furnishings."

"Thanks. I'm a closet interior designer."

"Oh, good. I was wondering what your closet looked like."

Tessa laughed. "Good one. What would you like to drink. I have iced tea, wine, scotch, vodka, coffee..."

"You have scotch?"

"Yes, Jason had a collection. Do you have a favorite?"

"I think I've had Balvenie and Glenlivet."

"Are you up for trying something new?"

"Sure. That would be great."

"Those two are Speysides. Let's give you a Glenfarclas."

Tessa brought out two triangular shaped glasses, one with one finger of scotch and the other with two fingers. She took the smaller portion. She waited for him to taste it. "Well, what do you think?"

"I like this better than either of the ones I've had before. What was it called?"

Tessa brought the bottle out for him to have a visual of the name.

"What is Speyside?"

"It is a river in the highlands. The surrounding area is filled with distilleries. The water, the closeness to the ocean, the amount of peat in the soil, the barley and its processing and the shape of the copper stills all go into the taste of the scotch."

"It seems Jason wasn't the only aficionado."

"Haha. I'm really not much of a drinker, but I love Scotland and everything Scottish."

Mark laughed. "Well, you certainly are converting me. I love Scotland now too."

"I find this one to be particularly smooth."

Mark nodded his agreement as he took another taste.

"Poor Darlene. I can't imagine." Tessa said.

"I think when there is that amount of shame, people sometimes can't handle it. And they go into denial."

Tessa agreed, "I think you are right. Your grief is similar to Darlene's, but in your case there wasn't another person involved. But it was tragic and violent like the death of Mike."

Mark looked at the floor and pursed his lips. When he looked up, there were tears in his eyes. "I had to identify the body. It wasn't her. She was so bruised and swollen that it didn't look like her. And now I can't get that image out of my head. They said she died instantly, but I fear that she didn't and that her last moments were alone and in pain."

Tessa teared up. "Don't they have to be honest about the circumstances? I mean, I don't know. If she did have those moments, I'm sure she was thinking about you and the kids."

"And worrying about us. Oh God. If I could just have one little conversation with her again to tell her I love her and that we will be alright."

"I'm sure she knew that. She was probably wanting to tell you the same thing."

He froze and looked at Tessa. "You're right. I never thought of it that way." The tears rolled down his cheeks. He looked upward as if to look at her again. "That is the part were faith comes in. Knowing that she is alright now. If only I knew for sure."

Tears were running down Tessa's face as well. "I know exactly what you mean. It plagues me too."

For a minute they both let themselves cry. They both desperately wanted their spouse to be alright. They couldn't take care of them anymore and that helplessness was so painful.

Tessa admitted, "I've even gone to a psychic medium trying to get the answer to that question."

"And?" Mark asked.

"She told me a couple things about Jason that she couldn't have known. And she assured me that he was alright. She said that the spirit goes through a period of recovery after they leave their body (some longer than others depending upon how they died). After that they are pursuing the things they loved in life. That they are there waiting for us and will help us cross over to them.

I'm sorry if that sounds too far-fetched. I'm just saying that I too was desperate to hear if he was alright."

"No judgment here. I haven't been to a psychic, but I don't discount it either."

He wiped his eyes and took another drink. "How much scotch do you have?

"Tons. As much as you want. I think that widows and widowers should be afforded the greatest concern and consideration. It is probably the hardest thing one can ever face in this life."

"You know, what you told me about the after-life. It is just as feasible as anything else I have ever heard."

"I've had books recommended to me about near death experiences in which the person relays similar accounts to others' encounters. I just haven't been able to read them yet."

Mark said, "In some ways, it's like we've been through our own car crash. The grief is exhausting. The loss of memory and focus is huge. I feel like I need to be handled with kid gloves."

"I know. Lack of appetite, lack of sleep, lack of interest in things. It feels like we are walking around like zombies. I haven't told anyone this. But, that first night after he died, I wanted to die too. I just wanted to be with him. I saw the lifeless body, but I knew his spirit was someplace else and I wanted to join him. I didn't have a plan to do anything and I wouldn't have especially since I had Noah to think about. But life didn't hold meaning anymore."

Tessa's living room held two couches that sat perpendicular to each other. Tessa was sitting on one and Mark on the other. So, when Mark asked to sleep on the couch that night, Tessa asked if he wanted her to sleep on the other couch or if he wanted her to go to sleep in her room.

Mark looked at her and said, "Whichever way you are most comfortable. I just don't want to go home to that empty house tonight."

Tessa laughed and said, "Do you snore?"

"I don't think so."

"Okay, I'll sleep on the couch." With the decision made, Tessa went to get two blankets out of the closet. She covered Mark up with one and she took the other.

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Tessa woke to the smell of coffee.

"Good morning, thanks for letting me stay."

"Good morning. No problem. How did you sleep?"

"Remarkably well. I didn't wake up once."

"Me either. In fact, I didn't even have a sleep aid. And before you say it. It was not the scotch. I barely had any."

"Mark laughed, "Maybe that's why I slept so well."

"Do you have to get going? Er. I mean, do you have time to see my studio."

"Sure, I'd like that."

"Are you hungry? I have some scones. Not from two weeks ago. I made them yesterday."

"I'm not going to refuse that offer. I loved the ones you brought to group."

They took they coffee and scones out to the studio. Tessa set them down on a work table. "I work mostly in the abstract, which drives Hannah crazy". Tessa laughed.

"This is your work?" he said as he stood by her latest large sculpture of metal arches.

"Yes. That's the latest. I started in clay some twenty years ago. I switched to metal about eight years ago. Sometimes I combine clay and metal."

"Wow. The skill involved in working in the metal....It's amazing."

"Yes, it is not a friendly medium."

Mark walked all around it. "I love how the light plays on the metal textures and the shadows created by your shapes."

"Thank you. On the bulletin board I have various photos of past works."

Mark glanced at her with a smile and headed over to look. "These are incredible! You are very talented."

"Hannah likes to say I'm out here with my tinker toys. Oooo, that would make a great huge sculpture. Tinker Toys."

They laughed. "Have a seat and a scone. These are orange raisin and those are lime white chocolate chip."

"A woman of many talents. If you ever leave the scuptures behind, you can always open up a scone business."

"I like coming up with unusual combinations."

"I've noticed. I think it's great."

There was a knock on the sliding glass door. "Come in. Since when do you knock?"

"Since you have company. I brought coffee and am looking for scones."

"Over here. Have a seat. Hannah, you remember Mark."

"Of course I do."

"Good morning Hannah."

"Just how good of a morning are we talking about?" Asked Hannah with a grin.

"Right, Hannah. You're a goof. We had an emotional group session and came back here to talk. The emotional stuff continued on here and we crashed on the sofas as if it were any of your business."

"Okay, Mark. Dish. Tessa won't tell me anything about group."

Mark said, "Believe me, you're better off not knowing."

"Fine. I should just take my coffee and go back home."

"Yes, you should." Tessa said.

"But I'm not gonna." Hannah said in a sing song manner.