A Learning Experience Ch. 08

Next, she brought a blood pressure cuff over and wrapped it around my arm, pumping it up and releasing the air slowly as she watched the dial for my readings. It seemed I could now feel every heartbeat making its way through my body. Finally she got the readings she wanted, and pulled the cuff off of my arm. Francine then grabbed the thermometer out of my mouth and put her reading glasses on that hung about her neck by a thin cord. Once she was sure of what she saw, she gave me a very worried look.

"Well Joscelyn," she said slowly to make sure I understood, "your temperature is 104.3 and I want you to lie back on the table dear, I'm surprised you can even stand."

"I'm going to go brief the Doctor, okay?" she said in the kindest voice I could ever remember hearing over my many visits here, "Don't get up, yell if you need me."

Doctor Sam Maher was about the shortest man I'd ever met, but what I'd learned early in my young life was to never underestimate a person based on their stature. However, it made reaching my eyes and ears for examinations as I'd grown up, a little harder for him each time. I could only guess at his height, perhaps four feet, ten inches tall at best. Balding with a bristle brush mustache, he was simply comical and a wonderful doctor for children. I remember when I'd been so sick at five years old, I was never afraid of coming to see him. Suddenly the door opened and there he was, interrupting my daydreams of him, he seemed stunned.

"Jack?" he asked, not quite believing his nurse, who he constantly bickered with in any case, that he really did have transsexual in one of his waiting rooms, "Francine told me you were a girl now... so fill me in son, is this what you want?"

I realized now what my 'old' psychiatrist was talking about. Many general practitioners at this time just didn't understand gender dysphoria. I sighed and started from the beginning, and in the back of my mind was thinking I should really write this all down, so I wouldn't have to keep regurgitating it to everyone from memory.

"My God," he said, trying to comprehend what I'd opted for, "well, I'll need to contact this Doctor Goldmann, and see what meds he has you on... er... had you on, now... Francine said you want to be called Joscelyn, is that right?"

"Yes sir," I said with my normal respect for him, "that would be fine... sir? There's something else... I'm just, oh shit... I'm not sure how to tell you, its so complex!"

My emotions now simply erupted, as they often did at this time in my life when some part of my old pretend life as a male collided head-on with my real life as a female. But I was sobbing now... I had regressed I suppose, I couldn't tell, my mind was heading in all directions at once. Finally Francine reached over and hugged me and it seemed to gradually bring me back to reality.

Now I began explaining all about my daughter, and the terrible depression I had been self treating with illegal street drugs. As my story progressed, I could see his balding hairline turn almost purple. He was angry, and I couldn't blame him, I had really screwed up, but I had been so mentally unstable at that time. All he knew was that I had rolled a die that could have ended my life, and quickly. It certainly would have made all of his hard work saving my life from infection years ago wasted. So he just blasted me. I don't think anyone has yelled at me like that other than my ex-marine high school soccer coach, and it amazed me that this little doctor knew even better curse words than he did!

When Mel heard the screaming, she and Cindy came running. But he continued on.

"...Damn you... don't you know what drugs like that can do to you, I know you're fucking smarter than this, I've known your Mother and Father for 20 years... how could you just throw your life away by taking that crap... and most of it IS crap you know?!"

Mel raced to my side, putting her between this diminutive man and myself, as he shouted curse words at me like a drunken sailor. Cindy was ready to get me out of this crazy place where Doctors scream at their sick patients. But the fireworks were over and I knew he would never hurt me, this was simply how he expressed himself, and when he was angry he'd let you know exactly what he thought. Now he was pacing and walked over to Francine and asked her something in a low voice. Next he turned to the girls as his nurse left the exam room.

"Ladies... you must excuse my behavior. Joscelyn has known me for many years, and I think she understands... please... you can stay but you'll need to sit over there in the chairs so I can examine her properly now,"

It was so strange, but apparently that was exactly what I needed. Once he had finished his tirade, I felt so much calmer. And I began explaining the harder issues to him, that my father had thrown me out of my home, and for the first time I told someone else what he'd said before he told me to get out. I was pretty sure it was only because my Mother had been there and he wanted to hurt her as well. He told me I wasn't really his son anyway, so as a bastard I could change my name to anything I wanted. No matter who you are, hearing such things from a Father I had loved for so very long, well... such things can... and very much DID tear me to the quick.

I also explained the terrible mental and emotional swings that now seemed to be neverending, and finally, the last 3+ months of my life, spent on the streets of Center City, and the needing to prove myself. Everything came pouring out, from the young man who pulled the knife, cutting my neck, to the gun battle with a crazed street pimp, finally rescuing my friend Simone after that bastard locked her in a car trunk.

But I never realized what my dialog was doing to Mel until I heard a muffled sob, and looked over my shoulder towards them. Mel was simply overcome listening to it, while Cindy's eyes were as wide as saucers. She had Mel wrapped in her arms, and I could see Mel's shoulder's begin to shake as her sobs intensified. The Doctor, for his part, seemed most upset with my Father, as their relationship went back over 20 years, ever since he was the company Doctor at a production facility my Father was managing, when he'd had his first of several heart attacks.

The Doctor explained that he had covered up the heart attacks so my Father could continue working, but put him on a heart medication, and had him go to a hospital for a complete evaluation. My Father owed this Doctor a great debt. He knew all about his bigotry, and he was seriously pissed that my Father would throw his own son, or in this case his transgendered daughter, out on the street with nothing. Just as the Doctor finished telling me how big a fool he thought my Father was, Francine came back.

"I have Doctor Goldmann on line one Doctor," she said.

"Alright Francine, thank you," he said distractedly, as he had been examining me throughout my various stories, and stepped over to hold my hand in his, "Joscelyn... I have some good news and some bad."

Cindy and Mel became silent, tears trickling down Mel's face as she watched him carefully. I asked him to please just explain what was wrong with me.

"You are having some mild withdrawal from the Methamphetamine that you'd been taking for so long, but that's not your primary illness my dear," he paused for a moment looking back at the girls, then again to me, "It would seem you have a form of viral meningitis, and that will take a lab test to confirm... but assuming it is... your girlfriend will need to be tested as well... as it is contagious."

"Oh God!" it was an anguished cry that came from the deepest part of my soul, "Oh Mel... I just knew I'd end up hurting you again!"

Mel immediately jumped into my arms while I tried to push her away, but I was so weak all I could do was weep from both the terrible pain, and knowing I may have infected my beautiful Melissa. All I was finally able to do was lay my throbbing head on her soft white shoulder and share in her possessive hug. Once again my lioness was making her protective intentions known, and her claws were very real and sharp.

"I don't care, I won't leave her," she declared to my Doctor, giving him an almost angry, defiant stare... then pulled away slightly to look back at me, "even if it kills me, I WON'T LEAVE YOU JOSIE!"

The Doctor looked at this act of love with a bemused smile, nodding his head.

"My dear young lady," he said quietly, "viral meningitis is a well controlled disease, and if steps are taken early, death is very rare. Nevertheless, it is painful and not something to take lightly as Joscelyn... or Josie can certainly attest. And if its not brought under control, can actually cause serious injury to the spinal cord... and only then... possibly death. So lets just make sure you're safely tested and eliminated as a carrier, hmm? And we'll start attacking Josie's virus right now."

Mel, realizing her mane was bristling for no reason, gave him a meek smile while nodding her assent, and gently returned to our hug. The Doctor finished explaining that he would be prescribing powerful antibiotics and painkillers for me. He would first give me two injections, then I would need to get a couple prescriptions filled for medications I would be taking by mouth. We were all to go across the street to his lab and Mel and I would be tested for meningitis. If it turned out Mel had been infected, she could take the same antibiotic I was, and he would call in an extra dosage of it for her at her pharmacy.

He then excused himself and left the room. We assumed it was to talk with my ex-psychiatrist Doctor Goldmann. I was so tired, Mel hopped up on the exam table and laid back on the little pillow, which allowed me to rest my head on Mel's beautiful breasts as I felt myself giving in to the sleep I needed.

Just before falling asleep however, I saw the Doctor briefly come back into my exam room and tapped Cindy on her arm. She followed him into the hallway, and they began talking in hushed tones that I couldn't hear.

***

Later on Cindy laughed as she recalled what Doctor Maher initially whispered to her...

"I called his... um... her mother, and explained that... her daughter was here. I felt that Josie might like her to know she was alright. Also I've known the family for so long I just couldn't allow her mother not to know."

It surprised Cindy at first, and angered her, but she quickly realized it was the right thing to do and said so to the Doctor to relieve him of any guilt. Then he continued.

"As to all of her stories about pimps, kidnappings, and gun battles... I think you can consider all that a one-time thing... such high fevers can sometimes produce amazing delusions, and whatever street drugs she had in her system didn't help. I'm sure once her fever is reduced, these delusions will subside, and she'll be back to normal again."

Cindy was mildly annoyed that the Doctor felt everything I had explained to him, had only been some sort of 'delusion'. She knew many of the things I had told them were fact and after hearing it directly from my lips was even more willing to believe it was the truth. Her eyes suddenly sparkled with mischief as she told me how she replied...

"As far as I know Doctor, and I've talked with a number of those that were there Saturday, it would appear that what Josie described to us... was very close to what actually occurred,"

Cindy then told me that while she was explaining all of this to him, she had been slowly walking over to one of the waiting room magazine tables, with the Doctor following. She picked up the Philadelphia Sunday paper and handed the paper's relevant section to him, pointing out the story on the third page...

"But as you can see it appears the papers are just spitting out the police version, so it would seem they are the ones having delusions. Who knows when, or even IF, the public will ever know the whole truth about this?"

Cindy then watched the Doctor read the paper's account of the violent happenings that Saturday at a warehouse/garage in Mantua before scratching his temple in wonder. He then dropped the paper back on the table, placing his right hand on it as if to keep it at arm's length and drummed his fingers on the paper, all while shaking his head... finally he just grunted softly and walked away.

***

Amazingly I slept through the two injections the Doctor gave me, and Mel woke me up when it was time to go over to the lab, but after seeing my unsure walk, the Doctor stopped me and had me go back and lay down. He called the lab, and had a lab tech bring what equipment was necessary to get the blood they needed, over to his office so I would not have to walk anywhere.

By this time the pain killers he injected were helping, and I was feeling better, but it made me sleep thru the blood draws as well. While she was in his office, the lab tech took a sample from Mel in another exam room, with Cindy holding her hand, as Mel detested needles. This left me alone and quietly nodding off, until suddenly I had the feeling that someone was standing over me, staring at me...

"Joscelyn... honey?" a voice I'd known so well it was shocking, "can you hear me?"

"Mommy?" I was dreaming... regressing... how was this pos...

"Yes dear, your Mommy's here," the emotions exploding inside me were beyond overwhelming as I awoke to see my mother's face contorted with her own mixed emotions of both sadness and joy, with tears streaming down pale cheeks. But then looking over next to my Mother, I blinked trying to focus, and now realized my Sister was with her, but she should have been in school.

"Mother... Susan? Sue... w-what are you doing here?" I mumbled through cracked lips as the heat of overwhelming emotion brought tears pouring once again from reddened and unbelieving eyes.

"When Mother said that you had disappeared Jack... I got the first flight home."

"I... I want to apologize for your father dear," Mom's voice was barely above a whisper through her tears, "He hasn't been well lately, and... I'm just so glad you're alright."

"Please don't cry Mom, you don't have to apologize for his 'issues', I love Dad too, but... he's a bigot... I should have known better than to think he would accept me as a daughter," I sighed, as I wiped my own tears before continuing, "but I guess I just never expected him to... well... say what he did."

"He often says things Jack... sorry... Joscelyn... that he doesn't really mean, especially when he becomes so angry... they were horrible words he used."

Horrible. Yes they had been that. Burned into memory that I simply couldn't make myself forget, or ever tell another soul. For how... just exactly... do you tell someone that your father now insists you were not his offspring. That my mother had intercourse with another man, and that he only wished he'd thrown us both out after she had me. Of course, none of this made any sense, as there are many pictures of him in the hospital when I was born, standing next to my Mother looking so very proud.

Mel and Cindy came back into my examination room now, Cindy went and sat down where she had been before, and Mel came over behind me, and began rubbing my back as she immediately saw the stress in my eyes.

"Mel, Cindy," I did my best to give some very awkward introductions, "this is my Mom and my Sister Susan. Mom, Sue... this is my girlfriend Mel, short for Melissa, and her Sister Cindy, also one of my closest friends."

"God Jack," my Sister interrupted, "what have you done to yourself?"

"What?" I replied, totally confused by her words and tone, "I'm transitioning, just as I told you I was going to... w-why?"

"Mother, now that I see him, I'm not surprised at Dad's reaction, he's... h-he's had... some kind of sex change!"

"Susan what ARE you talking about... I told you what I'd decided to do over the phone," I was totally confused by her reaction now. It was as if she didn't know what 'transition' meant. I was hurt, as I had always assumed, based on my Sister's own sexual orientation as a lesbian, and the fact that I always supported her, that she would be accepting of my need to transition to a female gender.

"You told me you were considering it, and I said you should only consider what you'll lose, have you forgotten that? So... what... you're gay Jack? That's one thing... but pretending to be a girl, that's... that's... just so sick."

I could feel Mel's hand stop and ball up on my back, Cindy was already standing, and even my own anger level surprised me considering this was my Sister, someone I cared about deeply. At this point, my Sister and I were obviously taking different paths, and I needed to make sure this ended without any catfights.

"Mel?" I said quietly in my Dom voice, "I need you to help your Sister and my Mother out to the waiting room and give me some time alone with my Sister, can you do that for me my Pet?"

As soon as she heard my voice, I could see her anger fade, and she walked over to her Sister, touched her on the arm, and Cindy flashed an angry look my way, but when she thought about the situation, her anger also faded, and they left us alone in the exam room, followed out by my Mother.

"Sue... I've always supported you, and you know if Dad knew you were a lesbian he'd probably treat you much as he did me, you must know this... don't you?"

"That's not at ALL the issue here. You are modifying your body... permanently,"

"Well, I suppose that's true, I am attempting to balance my mind with how I view myself physically... I,"

"Oh c'mon Jack!" she snapped, "That's just new age mumbo-jumbo and you know it, you're smarter than this... falling for all this garbage about balancing yourself... pfft!"

"First... its hardly mumbo-jumbo, as you call it, and this concept is supported by a majority of mental health professionals," I said slowly and concisely, "second, I can no longer mentally support pretending to have a male gender."

"Oh I'm sure," she shot back sarcastically, "it must have been SO much fun making us all feel like such fools 'pretending' to be 'Jack' right?"

"You think I was having FUN pretending to be a male all of this time?" The room was suddenly beginning to spin underneath me, "You... you really BELIEVE that? That ANY of this charade was in any way enjoyable? Sue... all I've ever felt... walking around pretending that I was a boy... has been the urge to throw-up, and believe me, that's been ANYTHING but pleasant!"

"Jack! Can you hear yourself?" she said forcefully, "you are having some kind of mental breakdown! None of this makes any sense... and I'm your Sister... I've been there, RIGHT there next to you your whole life and you never talked like this before."

"Sue... I KNOW you've watched me my whole life... and I never talked like this before because I NEVER COULD! You knew that I had started playing with Mother's clothes and shoes since I was... hell, ever since I was four years old! Because I was fascinated by them, everything she did was important to me... please tell me what sexual feelings, of ANY kind I had at age four, that could have had anything to do with my behavior! Shit... you and your friends would dress me up like Shirley Temple when I was six, and I loved it. You know this... YOU WERE THERE!"

I was absolutely shaking with rage... and screaming as loudly as I possibly could, I felt I had to for some reason, I just couldn't believe she was making up my life story to fit her own views and then making it all sound like I couldn't remember my own life for fuck's sake! Mel and Cindy stuck their heads in and I apologized for yelling.

"Look... why do you want to deny me the chance to be happy? This isn't hurting anyone, and certainly not you. So why are you so angry about this?" I asked.

"Deny you?" she yelled, "Can't you see it's what you're denying yourself, dammit! I've thought about changing my sex, because I could finally have a chance at all the things that are denied to me as a female... but my God... to go backwards... as a female you'll find things DENIED constantly, you'll never be able to have the same salary as a man, and you'll be giving all that up... voluntarily! Jeesh! Deny you?... fool. Okay look... Jack... if you want sex with men, fine... many important men in history have been secretly gay, you still would have decent opportunities... but change your sex and all of that disappears... and for what... so you can play sissy dress-up?"