All Comments on 'A Little Adventure'

I'm in a hotel lobby. I thought I was at home sitting in my chair! I have on sunglasses and a scarf! Wait! I wear scarves? Why am I wearing sunglasses? It's night and I'm indoors. Even worse, I appear to have morphed into a woman. Is this the twilight zone?

Second person writing is so difficult to make good, and I felt that this story almost succeeded.

Not sure about the occasional slips into first person though. Why?

And the story could have gone for much longer. A second chapter perhaps?

L

To write in the second person: "Moving to the bed, you pull the covers back, climb in, and place the mask over your eyes." ... Was she drunk or drugged that later someone had to tell her what she did? If he was writing this in an email, as a fantasy that could happen...That would be another story...1*

Hi what will happen when she finds out it is her husband ??

Don't use it next time.

If you can name just one professional who writes in the second person I might agree to read your story.

I tend to agree with the other person who commented about what will she do when she finds out it is really her husband ... the whole blindfold things is a set up for it ... this looks like a prose version of the old "pina-colada" escape song ... boring

You lie face down on the bed, in complete darkness. His soothing hands and warm commanding voice lulls you into languid torpor, and for what seems like a few moments, you doze.

You awake with a sharp slap to your butt, and as you try reach your hand to your stinging flesh, you find it is bound at the wrist, to the corner of the bed, as is your other hand. And both your legs? Your cry of alarm is muffled by the gag you find in your mouth. When did this happen? Why is this happening?

You hear the commanding deep voice, plus another? "She's $200 for her pussy, $500 for her ass." "OK. You sure this is legit?" "Yeah, this is my slut wife's way of getting off. You know the routine, boring marriage, looking for some excitement, why fuck with fantasy when she can have the real thing? She just doesn't want you seeing her face, you know, it might be embarrassing to meet you somewhere later?" "Yeah, makes sense. OK, here's $200" "Sure you don't want that ass? You would be her first, at least for today," he chuckles. "Tell you what, give me $300 and you don't have to use a condom." "Deal," the other voice agrees.

And so your first adventure in extra marital sex begins. You stop struggling and trying to scream by the third intruder into your nightmare. By the time you lose count of the rapes you have experienced, you also lose hope of ever regaining the life you threw away in the lobby of the hotel, declining your last opportunity to walk back out before you embarked on this new and wonderful excitement.

After hours of pain, humiliation, and degradation, when your abductor finally leaves, freeing one hand so you can release yourself, your real nightmare begins. What can you do, what can you say, what do you tell your doctor, and your husband? Your husband, your children. Wife, mother. Whore. You know from this moment that your life will never be the same, and that boredom will be the least of your concerns. You realize that after your medical exam you may not even have much life left. You wonder if maybe that wouldn't be for the best.

You get up out of your puddle of semen, and urine, and feces, and limp toward the bathroom for a shower that you know will never make you clean. On the toilet you find your clothes neatly folded, with a note on top that says, "Thank You, Craig."

This seems to be your first story, so I really hate to give the three. However, it just doesn't appeal to me and I'm not sure why. Maybe it being in the 2nd person Present Tense is the reason. Both are considered by many as being the very hardest way to write a good story. I will say your writing mechanics weren't bad for this venue.

Don't let anything you read in the LW comments discourage you from writing. You seem to have talent and I expect to see much more of your work.

Good Luck!

That just doesn't make it.

Of her marriage. This wasn't really a story. More like an opening salvo. Not enough background information to make for a good story and not sexy or erotic enough to be a good flash story. 1 star.

Fuck annony this fool hates everything

...with no ending. Another lazy shit of a writer wanna be.

She should have talked things over with her husband about what was missing in the marriage.

Great build up, we start into some action and it just ends!!!

I somehow feel cheated.

This story was submitted in January 2016 - it's now end of August 2016.

Doesn't look like you have the creative juice to finish the story in chapters 2 & 3!

You clearly have talent, so get busy and finish it!

Looking forward to the next part