A Little Bit of Death

"A penny for your thoughts." Nadine said, smiling at me and then licking my lips before giving me one of the greatest kisses I've ever experienced. She sighed, "You sure do know what buttons to push. I'll have to give you that."

"Nadine, I don't want you to get mad, but I've got a personal question I want to ask you."

"Shoot. After what we just did, there can't be too many personal things left between us."

"Please, don't take this wrong." I was worried about continuing. "When you're with me, do you ever, you know, think about Greg?"

"Cheating on me already in your mind with your dead wife, are you?" She was looking stern, staring at me, and I immediately though I'd really blown it this time. "Relax. I'm just surprised I didn't yell out Greg's name when I climaxed that last time."

"Then you're not angry?"

"Steve, we've both got a past that includes two of the most fantastic people who ever walked this earth. They were taken from us or we'd still be with them. I think about Greg everyday and I know he'd want me to be happy. I'm guessing the same goes for you and Lana. I'm just happy we have this chance to maybe get back a little of what we each had with them. But mister, I catch you thinking about that blonde slut Rita, the one who comes to the HOG rallies, and you and I are going to have words." With that said, all was well in the world—again.

It was Thursday afternoon before my insurance agent got back to me.

"Steve, we sent your bike over to Daytona Beach Harley Davison to have them give us an independent estimate. Our adjuster had already given us his figure, but we just needed a second one."

"Well, what's the damage?"

"You're not going to like it, but we've decided to total the bike. It would cost more to fix it than what the bike is worth." I was ready for that, what I didn't expect was the payout figure he gave me.

"Don, that's more than a couple of thousand dollars less than it's worth. The bike doesn't even have five thousand miles on it, and it cost over thirty-two thousand to build."

"But Steve, you didn't pay thirty-two for it."

"Doesn't make any difference, we're talking worth here. Look, the bike is worth at least thirty. I paid twenty-five plus and you're offering me twenty-two. If I get an attorney and decide to fight it, you're going to spend more than four before it's all said and done. Let's split the difference, give me twenty-three and a half and we'll call it even. I'm going to buy another bike, and you'll get that policy." He was still a little quiet. "Look, I'll even give you a shot at my beach house. If your price looks good you'll get the house, which will more than make up for anything on the bike. Do we have a deal?"

I knew he had a lot more latitude than he was letting on. I was in the business, just not dealing with personal property. I'd insured the bike for twenty-seven because I knew if I needed to repair something it would be expensive. He agreed. We now started talking about the beach house. It was a good deal for him since insurance was high on any property near the ocean, even one a block in.

I had the check in my hand three days later, and set out with my two girls to look at what was out there.

"You've got to buy a Harley. The only question is how much do you want to pay?" Nadine explained, walking into the dealership with Tina and me.

I was thinking used, one maybe two years old. Everyone warned not to go too small because I'd eventually regret it. I was told I would soon want to upgrade to a larger, more expensive bike, and I'd lose my ass on the trade.

After talking to the Harley dealership salesman he made his suggestion. "The smallest bike I would recommend for you would be a Road King. It's got the windshield, side bags for storage, and is comfortable for two-up riding." I looked over at Tina. She didn't look all that happy about what I was looking at.

"Dad, how about that one?" She said, walking over to a crimson red one that had a full fairing. "It's got a trunk and a nice backrest. I could ride forever on the back of this one.

Nadine added in her two cents worth. "Steve, you might find the radio a nice option on your trips to and from work everyday, not to mention that Tina could plug in her iPod on our runs."

There were a million different models and the same number of options available. "I think the only way to figure this out is to try them all." And that's what we did. We test rode all the available models from a Road King up the Screaming Eagle Ultra. Most were new except the Screaming Eagle, which was usually a specialty order. It, however, topped everything at about thirty-five thousand, which was well above my budget.

Used, it turns out, wasn't as good a deal as I first thought. The one-year-old bikes were priced almost as high as the new ones and the warranties weren't nearly as good. We spent the better part of four hours looking. When I got it down to two I decided to sleep on it.

We all went out to Donato's for pizza. I was torn; my mind kept drifting between the two bikes. Good thing Nadine was driving us around in her Mustang because my mind was back in the Harley dealership.

Even at the restaurant I wasn't fully there. "Earth to Steve. Earth to Steve," Nadine called out, trying to get my attention.

"I'm sorry, it's just that it's a lot of money, and I want to make the right decision."

"They're both beautiful bikes, and I know you'll be happy with either one, but is that a good enough reason to ignore the two best looking women in the restaurant?" That snapped me out of my stupor. I still thought about the bikes, but I now had other things on my mind.

Nadine drove us back to the beach house. I could tell she was not ready to leave for her place right away.

"You want some company tonight?" I leaned over, kissed her, and asked her what did she think? "I'm not sure. I don't have a fancy paint job, a faring with a custom radio, or a trunk, but I do have a few things that just might interest you." I opted for Nadine.

While Nadine was in the shower, Tina asked me if she was more than just a girlfriend. She was getting used to having Nadine around, especially on weekends. It was getting to be normal for her to wake up on a Saturday or Sunday morning and find Nadine with me. I looked at Tina, dug down in my heart and tried to find an answer that would explain it to both of us. "I care for her a lot, but that's a question I've been asking myself for weeks, and I'm not sure exactly how to answer it."

"Well, I like her, if that counts for anything." It did, more than she could imagine.

I found Nadine in her favorite spot at my house, upstairs on the rooftop deck. I handed her a glass of wine and sat down next to her on the lounger.

"I love this place. It's quiet, tranquil, and so relaxing. I could spend my entire life up here," Nadine said with a contented sigh.

In the distance hearing the surf breaking on the shore and feeling the stiff sea breeze on my face, brought me back to the day Lana

and I first saw this place, and how happy we were back then. And with her body ravaged by that God-awful disease she still wanted to spend every available moment up here. I knew how Lana felt about our rooftop refuge, now Nadine felt the same way.

I didn't make love with Nadine that night. We kissed, talked, and kissed a lot more. I watched her fall asleep, like I had Lana so many times before. My mind was in turmoil. I wasn't trying to replace Lana—damn it—I was moving on. Then why did I feel like this? It was like I was somehow being unfaithful to her memory.

I didn't sleep much that night; my brain wouldn't give me the peace I so desperately needed. In shades of Tina, when Nadine opened her eyes I was there, laying next to her, watching her.

She wiped the corner of her mouth. "Am I drooling or something?" I didn't say a word—I just smiled and kissed her.

"You all right?"

"Never better."

"You ready to do this?" Nadine said over breakfast. I looked over at her and nodded, yes. I thought to myself, this decision is going to be easy, the next one will be a lot more difficult."

After breakfast I, or should I say we, bought the two tone blue and gray Ultra. I drove what I thought was a good deal, but when all was said and done, the dealer still made his money, and I got what I wanted. Tina looked at the back seat and was all smiles.

I was happy. Later the three of us went on about a fifty-mile ride, and for the first time in a long time, Tina rode on the back of my bike.

It felt good to have her back there. When we stopped for a potty break Nadine came over and looked at the bike.

"Well, any buyer's remorse?"

"None. It's everything I could have asked for." I was looking at her when I said it, thinking about something entirely different.

I had the second longest week of my life. This time no one died, but that didn't make it any easier. Tina kept asking what was wrong, and all I could reply was that I had a lot on my mind—and I did.

On Tina's mind was the HOG run we were going on this Saturday. All she could talk about was being on the back of her dad's new bike. She hoped everyone would be green with envy.

I took Friday off from work. When Tina left for school I took two yellow roses to the cemetery. It was pretty quiet at that time of the day. The lawn crew was just getting started, sprinkler heads were popping up, no matter. I was on a mission.

We talked like we always had. I had lots to say and she listened, like she had a million times before. I told her I would always love her, and that Tina was becoming the woman we always dreamed she would be. I teared up, but for the first time I didn't cry. We both knew I was moving on. I had heard about a Jewish tradition that fit the moment. I reached into my pocket, pulled out a piece of coral, and placed it on her headstone. It meant I was there and would never forget her. She was my love; she'd been my wife and my life, but no longer.

Tina found me on the roof when she got home from school. She wanted to know why I wasn't at work. The only explanation I could give her was I'd had something important I needed to do earlier in the day, and after that I wanted a little time to myself.

"Dad, are you sure you're okay?"

"I am now."

I spent the next two months getting to know Nadine, not the surface one she showed everyone, but the deep down Nadine she never let anyone see. At the same time we were still doing everything together as a family, including going to both parents' houses for get-togethers.

She had an older married brother and a sister who was three years younger than her, engaged to a real asshole, though I'd never tell her that to her face. She had a wonderful mom and dad who were just happy to see their daughter with someone who treated her well, and made their formerly sad daughter happy again.

Nadine was getting more comfortable around us too. She had given up wearing long pants all the time, and had taken to sometimes wearing colorful sundresses and capri pants. Though she was not ready for a bathing suit yet, she even started to wear long shorts. Black became part of the past she could finally let go of. Her period of mourning was over. I was glad to see she felt she could trust us to accept her as she is. Somehow the more we learned about each other the more beautiful she became in my eyes.

It was late November and the weather had started to get a little cool. You needed a jacket on the morning rides. For the last couple of weeks Tina had begged off attending any of the HOG rallies. She preferred her friends to the two of us. I knew the novelty had worn off. And Nadine? Well, she was a permanent fixture in our lives now.

Lana had been buried with her wedding rings, but my grandmother had given my mother hers before she died. Tommy was already married, and my sister Jenny? Well, she had a rock that you needed two hands to lift. So the rings were mine if I wanted them.

Thursday night I stopped over at my parents' house like I'd done a thousand times before. This time, though, it was different. I had a request.

"Mom, I'd like to take Grandma's rings with me tonight."

"Steve, you want to tell me something?"

"Maybe Sunday, but not now." She went to her jewelry box, got them for me, and placed them in my hand.

"She's a wonderful girl. I know the two of you will be as happy as you and Lana were." I kissed her on the cheek.

Friday night Nadine brought over ribs for dinner. There was a rib joint on her side of town that had the best ribs I had since we moved south. They weren't as good as the place I knew up north, but they were a close second.

At the last minute Tina begged off to go with one of her friends to a movie and for pizza afterwards. Her friend's parents were taking them, and I think there were boys involved, although nothing was said about that. She was just ten and a half, after all.

"Just the two of us tonight?" she asked with a huge grin on her face. "You game for a little spice with your dinner?"

We ate in the nude sitting on the living room floor. We spread out a sheet, grabbed the food, and even drank from the chilled bottle of wine—no glasses for us. It was like a picnic only a whole lot nicer.

"I love this barbeque sauce," I told her, licking my fingers.

"Oh you do, do you?" She put a dab on each of her nipples. "Let's see if this improves the taste?"

By the time I'd finished with her nipples some had dripped onto her navel and down between her legs. This was my idea of a picnic. By the time we were done, we were both a sticky mess. Tongues can only do so much cleaning, so we were off to the shower.

Sex in the shower can be done, if done carefully. We tried it against the back wall the first time and failed miserably. This next time however, with a little luck and a good stable shower mat we succeeded. But never again, once was enough, that's why God made beds.

Tina came home about nine. Nadine and I were sitting on the couch watching TV waiting for her. After a short conversation about her evening, she headed for her room, and we headed for our bed, and it was our bed now. By eleven the Moore household was quiet, except for the pit stop I made at two a.m.

"Steve, I love you," Nadine said as soon as I opened my eyes the following morning. "I've loved you for a long time, and I think we should get married." If I wasn't awake before, I sure as hell was now.

"You're proposing to me?" Now I was the one sitting up, making sure this wasn't some weird dream.

"Well, since you're not going to propose to me, I might as well lay my cards on the table. Steve, I want you for my husband. I can't make it any plainer than that."

"What makes you think I wasn't going to ask you? Maybe I was going to do it this weekend," I shot back.

"Steve, if I waited for you to ask me, we'd be collecting Medicare and Social Security."

"How about if I was, and had the rings and everything?"

"Okay, prove it!"

I jumped out of bed and went over to my dresser, opened up my top drawer and pulled out a small envelope.

"I'm sorry there is no ring, box, but it doesn't change the way I feel about you. Nadine, I love you. Please, will you marry me?" I opened her left hand and began to slip on my grandmother's engagement ring on her ring finger.

Okay, so it didn't fit, but it was the thought that counted. My grandmother had tiny fingers. The ring would have to be made larger, but the stone was perfect. I guess in shock, she looked at it, smiled, and gave me a huge kiss.

"Well, what do you say? Will you let me make an honest man out of you?"

"Only if you let me make an honest woman out of you first."

"That'll be the day!"

Years later there was still a disagreement about who asked who first, and I would always remind her that I had the rings.

We spent Saturday together just enjoying the moment. We told Tina at breakfast, asking her not to say a word until we had a chance to tell our families. She couldn't understand why we were waiting.

"Honey, we need a little quiet time to ourselves before everything gets nuts."

We all had breakfast on the roof deck, after which Nadine and I walked the shore for about an hour. We talked in and out of bed and by midnight we were drained, but extremely happy.

The following day we had breakfast at her parents and lunch with mine. Neither family was surprised, but both were thankful we'd found one another. And then it began. We started planning our late spring wedding.

We told both families we wanted a small intimate wedding, even though it ended up being neither. Jenny and her family came, but I hadn't counted on our entire HOG Chapter wanting to escort our limo to the church, and then coming to the reception. It ended up being a semiformal affair with a couple of kegs flowing. The hotel where we held our reception got a lot of business from bikers who couldn't find their bikes, much less ride them home.

Nadine looked beautiful. She wore a tea length off-white dress that clung to her body in all the right places. Her hair was done up in a French braid with flowers running though the braid. Her smile lit up the room. Somehow Nadine and Tina found Tina a mini version of Nadine's dress, without the clinginess. The two of them looked like something out of a fairy tale. Looking at them, my heart overflowed with love and happiness.

For our honeymoon we drove south to Key West. We decided to take Nadine's Mustang instead of our bikes. We didn't want to spend a second of our time out of each other's reach. The car made the most sense, and we rarely unclasped hands the whole ride. We spent the night in Miami before making the final three-hour trip to Key West. In Key West we had reserved a room at a small bed and breakfast that wouldn't break the bank. We spent four days exploring the Keys during the day, and then watching the most spectacular sunsets while sitting on Mallory Dock at night.

Nadine surprised me with a few sexy outfits, except she only had any of them on for no more than a minute or two before they joined all the other clothes on the floor. As we liked to call it, we talked a hell of a lot during those four days in Key West.

We put on a ton of miles and had the time of our lives. On the way back we made a rest stop and I saw the most gorgeous chopper I'd ever seen. I was memorizing every detail of it with my eyes when the owner came out and saw me looking at it.

"You want to buy it, I'll make you a great deal."

I looked at my bride—she didn't say a word.

"Been there, done that. Now I'm riding what I really like next to someone I really love." Getting back into her Mustang we did the final two hours enjoying the beautiful Florida weather and the feeling you get sitting next to the one you know you belong with.

In this down economy, we decided to rent out Nadine's house. We would think about selling it sometime in the future.

That woman had a ton of clothes and shoes. We ended up purchasing two wardrobes just so she'd have a place for everything. I only hoped this part of her wouldn't rub off on Tina, or I'd have to buy my brother's unit next to mine just so we'd have enough room for clothes.

I guess I wasn't as fertile as I thought—I never got Nadine pregnant, though we had a hell of a lot of fun trying. Three years later Nadine's sister lost a friend and her husband in a car accident. They had a three-year old son, and none of their relatives were in a position to take the boy. We spent a lot of time talking about it between ourselves and with Tina. A few months after learning about Danny, we went through the adoption process and welcomed him into our family.

It wasn't easy. and for a while I thought we had made a big mistake. But like everything else in our lives, we all came around. We could all relate to losing someone we really loved, though that didn't make it any easier for our new son, Danny. At thirteen Tina was a big help with Danny. She bonded with him, both understanding what it was like to lose a parent. Eventually he learned to trust and love us.