A Little Hug Story

"I never felt this way before. Not about anyone."

"Small consolation."

"I know." My frustrated sigh spoke volumes.

"Is it bad?"

"It's not, that is, well, I don't know if it's bad."

"I mean, do you have strong feelings for her?"

"Strong enough to call you."

"And she doesn't feel the same way?"

"I don't know."

Another long pause. "Eileen, you know you have to give me something to work with, right?"

"Yeah," I muttered.

"All right, let's start over. Tell me what's going on."

I related the story about how I felt when Rachael hugged me, how I longed to be with her on her summer trip, how we seem to have such a good friendship. Debby stopped me.

"Friends? And you're not sure she feels anything romantic towards you?"

"I don't know. She could feel something, or I could be imaging it. I'm really emotional around her." My voice lowered and I mumbled, "Sometime brain no work so good." I grunted a couple of times for emphasis.

"And she's, ew, gay, right?" I could hear the laughter in her tone.

"Yes, she's--"

"I mean, 'gay,' Eileen Rose. Not just curious for a 'walk on the wild side' then the ole dump-ola?"

"No, she likes girls. Only."

"Good, then I won't have to have her rubbed out."

"Rubbed out? Have you been watching 'Soprano' reruns again?"

"'The Godfather'."

I snort-laughed as she continued.

"Shit. You know, there's something else that just popped into my head." Debby sighed, "But you may not want to hear it..."

"Gimme your best shot. I really need to figure this out 'cause it driving me crazy."

"Well, you may be squarely in the 'friend' zone."

I gave that thought and whispered, "Damn!" Then, "No, wait. She kissed me."

"Okay, you don't think that might be important, do you?" She wielded a mean sarcasm. "Why didn't you say so?"

I explained about Elizabeth and how much she looked like me, how Rachael seemed to notice, how wonderful it felt when she kissed me.

"Who's being gross now?" Debby teased. "Then what?"

"Well, then she, um, ran, out--"

"Oh, no. Really?"

"Yeah. Is that bad?"

"It's not good."

"'Friend' zone?"

"Sounding more like it every minute."

"Oh, no." My voice trembled and Debby heard it.

"Got it bad for her, huh?" she asked softly.

"Oh, Debby, you have no idea."

"Sorry, Eiley."

'Yeah." Even I could hear how dejected my tone sounded.

"Got fixin's?" That was Debby-speak for margaritas.

"Nah. Tequila and me during the school year--baaad."

"Wine?"

"Yeah."

"I'd prescribe you a half bottle. And a very hot bath--"

"Can't. I... er, think, about her, in the tub."

"Ew, gross," she teased again. This time I actually laughed, though my eyes burned, and I blinked a tear.

"Look, Eiley, it sounds like you'll have to work it a bit, but if she's the one-- You think she's the one?"

"I don't know. I think so. Maybe? I don't know..."

"If she's the one, then you have to be on the lookout for the tiniest opening, you know? And remember that you may only get one shot. Maybe not even..."

I sniffed. "You sure know how to cheer a girl up, Deb." I tried to chuckle to take the sting out of my words, but they still did not sound the way I intended.

"Sorry, babe, but I'd be a lousy friend if I lied to you just to try and make you feel better. If this doesn't work out and you're blind-sided you'll feel a lot worse later."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

"So, prepare for the worst but work for the best, okay?"

"You think I have any chance?"

"You know, it doesn't matter what I think. It only matters what you think. If you think it's worth the risk, if she gives you the teensiest of openings, then go for it."

"What if I get my heart broken?"

"Then I'll bring the fixin's for a long weekend as soon as the school year's over. You'll heal." Debby paused. "But what if you don't get your heart broken? What if you get the girl?"

"So, how?"

"How do you get the girl?"

"Yeah," I murmured.

"Ha, that's beyond my pay grade, darlin'. My job is just to tell you to trust your heart. It's a good one."

A huge sigh gave me time to think. "So, I need to be more objective and see if there really is anything there. Get my feelings out of the way and see things as a scientist would."

"That's my girl! But if that's you listening to your heart, well, your heart sounds a lot like most folks' minds, you know? What's your heart feeling right now?"

"It aches without her."

"Oy!"

We chatted for a few more minutes until she warned me that Kirk was due home soon and they were, "going to do a lot of gross hetero stuff to each other." I laughed, thanked Debby and let her go.

I felt better, more positive in a way. But I remained a bit conflicted and uncertain. As much as I knew I wanted Rachael, it all came down to whether she wanted me, too.

Duh!

* * * * * * *

One night I trudged to my car and struggled with its door. The armload of books and papers spilled onto the back seat. Then the oddest sensation made the hairs on my nape rise.

Someone was watching me.

I looked around the parking lot. Very few vehicles remained after six o'clock on a Friday, so it took mere seconds to find my voyeur. Rachael gazed at me from across the roof of her silver coupe. She waived a tentative hand in my direction.

"Rachael!"

I ran towards her but had to slow as my eyes brimmed, blurring my vision. I heard her say, "Hi, Rose."

"Hi, Rose, shit! I've been so worried about you." My hands reached over the roof of her car and, thankfully, her hands were there to grasp.

"I'm sorry. I... I just needed to, um, think."

"Rachael, I'm so sorry."

"Okaaay--whyyy?

"Why? Because you came to confide in me, and I betrayed your trust. That's why!"

"Uh, Rose, you do, um, remember that I, like, kissed you, right?" She chuckled.

How could I forget? Now that I knew she was all right, that her sense of humor had returned, the recollection of that kiss had me tingling all over again.

"That doesn't matter--"

"Uh, yeah. Kinda does. And, Rose, are you crying?"

"No!" God, I sounded just like a child. I sniffed. "Sort of."

I heard her giggle and strained through my tears to catch that Rachael smile.

"Just a little," I said with a small laugh. I stroked the tears away from beneath my eyes. "Listen, Rachael, can we go somewhere and talk? Please. I think it's important."

"Yeah, me, too.'

"Good. Where would you like to go?"

"I don't know. You have to live in the dorms the first year. The rooms are small and come with, ugh, roommates!"

I grinned. "We could go out?"

"It would have to be someplace quiet," she countered.

I pondered for a moment then suggested, "How 'bout here?" My finger pointed down at the roof of her car.

She paused, smiled, and said, "Perfect."

So we sat in her college car. She reached into the console and offered me a paper napkin. I flipped down the visor, checked its little mirror, dabbed at my eyes and tried to salvage my makeup. It would have been more intimate talking with her over glasses of wine in my garden bathtub overflowing with scented bubbles, but this really was much, er, safer. Nothing would happen in the school parking lot.

"Rose?"

"Yes, Rachael."

"You didn't do anything wrong."

"But I betrayed your--"

"No, Rose. Please stop saying that, 'kay? I kissed you. I mean, shit, I don't even know if you're gay or bi or straight. Maybe it totally grossed you out to get tongued by some dopey coed."

"You are not dopey," I told her with a hint of forceful anger. "You are one of the most amazing people I've even known."

The woman gave me a thin smile, but a fleeting doubt whisked across her face, too.

"I mean it."

She murmured, "Thanks."

"And there was nothing gross about it."

Her limpid eyes shown with a parade of emotions: surprise, delight, satisfaction and... hope? Was that my teensy opening? Or was that just what I wanted to see? I took a deep breath and, figuratively speaking, dove from the cliff.

"It was the most spectacular kiss I've ever had. With anyone."

I prayed that my dive would end in the ocean and not on the rocks. Cliff diving is like that, I hear. Too late now.

"Oh, bullshit."

That sounded obligatory and without an iota of conviction.

"Rachael, it's my turn now, okay?"

"Your turn? For what?"

"To confess something. To you."

She leaned away, into the corner between her seat and the driver's side door and turned to face me.

"'Kay."

"You told me that you're gay--something you hadn't told your folks yet. That's an amazing trust, and one that I don't ever want to break." I took another breath, but my throat tightened so much I had to swallow. Talking became impossible.

"Rose?" Her whisper conveyed compassion and empathy beyond her years. It gave me strength to continue.

"I've been... uh, I've had a... I mean--"

Sure, strength to continue. Now if I could muster the strength to make sense!

"Rose, are you okay? You sound sorta, weird."

"Rachael." I closed my eyes. "I've had a thing for you since your senior year in my class."

The sentence came out so fast that it ran together and sounded like one long word. But why had time stopped? And why wouldn't my eyes open? Behind my eyelids the vision of big rocks raced up at me.

"You mean, like a 'student crush'?"

My eyes shot open, and I stared at her. How does she know--

"Or, like, a real crush?" she whispered.

She looked at me, and we both knew she knew.

"Oh, Rose." She touched my hand.

Then a most awful thing happened. A tear slipped from my eye and left a glistening trail down one cheek, like a snail. I closed my eyes again, shamed.

"Dammit," I hissed.

Then a most wonderful thing happened. Rachael's gentle thumb brushed my tear into extinction.

"Rose? Can you look at me, please?"

I turned towards her voice, sightless still.

"Rosie?" The warmth of her palm against the side of my face sent a shiver through me. I pressed into it.

"I have a smile for you if you open your pretty eyes. Please, Honey?"

Honey! Now I would have to look.

It was true! Rachael had a wonderful smile, a gorgeous and radiant smile. And she shared it with me.

I survived the dive! Um, that is, I think I did. Didn't I? Was that a splash? Or was that a splat?

"Rose, when I looked at Lizzie's pic that day in your classroom, it kinda freaked me out. I mean, I always thought you were sooo special. And it was great the way you made me feel in your class--"

"That was you, not me. 'You get out of a class'--"

"--'What you put into it'," she finished my quote. "I know. I mean, I'd see how you'd treat the other kids, and I knew you were just that way to everybody. But it was the way I felt around you. And when I saw that Lizzie was you, and that I, whew, well, that I... wanted..." She trailed off.

The gravity of what she was about to say must have caught up with her. I gave her a chance to save face.

"Rachael, it's okay. You don't have to say anything else."

She shut her eyes. "I've had the hots for you, too!" She opened one eye and squinted at me. Her cute nose wrinkled, and she held the expression until I burst into laughter.

How long had we been holding hands? And what was it about this girl--no, I reminded myself once more--what was it about this young woman that left me a confused and emotive mess? I hoped to have a very long time to make that discovery for myself.

Rachael glanced at our hands and sighed. "Rose?" She looked up at me. "I, I'm glad we could talk. But I need some time to think this all over, 'kay? This is some pretty intense stuff for me."

"Me, too," I smile back at her.

"And I still need to figure out about my folks in all this. So? Time, 'kay? Please?"

"Yes, Rachael. Take all the time you need. I just, I'm just so glad you're all right." I reached for the door handle.

"I'll talk with you soon, 'kay? Promise."

"Good." I got out and closed the door as she started the engine. The window descended, and she called my name. I leaned down to see her face.

"I, uh, I told Lizzie she's cool, but I just wanted to, like, be friends."

"Oh, okay."

Ha! "Friend zone that," Lizard Lizzie! Sorry, not sorry. I couldn't help feeling that way--I wanted Rachael with every iota of my soul. Then I thought, Survived the dive, baaa-by!

I maintained my cool, I think, but in my mind, I was doing backflips.

"I just figured, well, maybe you should, um, know, Rose. That's all."

"Okay, Rachael." I could not stop my wide grin--nor did I want to. "I'll talk with you soon."

She nodded, smiled, and mouthed, "Thank you." I stood back and watched her drive out of the parking lot.

I floated to my car, drove home without remembering anything of the ride, and drew a bubble bath.

Before my glass of pinot noir was half finished my body rocked in pleasure. I came hard while thinking of us kissing and fingering each other to shared climaxes. For my second, the fantasy involved my quivering thighs framing Rachael beautiful face, our eyes locked together as she devoured me. The third happened as I imagined our tender flesh stroking together in smoldering slickness until we quaked in our singular ecstasy.

I climbed from the cooling water and toweled dry. The remainder of my glass disappeared in three large gulps. The towel fell away and remained on the floor as the emptying tub gurgled. Still naked, I snuggled under the thick comforter. My hands worked on, in and around my swollen folds. My mind, feverish to the point of hallucination, dreamed of how luscious Rachael would taste when she reached fulfillment in my mouth. This orgasm left me gasping and the intense warmth in my tummy made me laugh as I finished.

The rest of my night consisted of naps interspersed with more sating fantasies. By morning, in my mind, we had tasted every inch of each other's body, had climaxed in every way I could conjure up, and had left each other marked with our blended musk.

Saturday morning passed with the most incredible and fulfilling dreams of Rachael. The only way it could be any better was if she had really shared my bed.

I rolled onto my side, closed my eyes, smiled, hoped, and fell into a peaceful slumber.

* * * * * * *

There was no word from Rachael for many days and, though it nearly killed me, I gave her space and time. My wild, salacious fantasies moderated somewhat, replaced by more mundane situations. In my latest imaginings we spent a lot of time grocery shopping and cooking together, then losing ourselves in fabulous conversations about anything and everything. Sometimes, we'd even feed each other.

We'd play together, too. Not those adult games--well, not all the time, anyway. And not those zero-sum mind games where someone wins at the expense of the other. We'd play card games, board games, or silly games that people enjoy as they bond. Games two people play while falling in love.

Another Friday and still nothing. Long after the last bell rang, I remained frozen at my desk while horrid questions plagued my mind.

What if Rachael had second thoughts? What if she and Lizzie got together after all? What if she thought I was too old? Or too plain? Or too boring? What if she thought I couldn't give her enough excitement on a teacher's salary? What if she didn't find me attractive enough, or smart enough, or sexy enough?

On some level I knew that this was insane. I knew that I had to stop. But what I felt for Rachael boiled up inside me with an intensity that I had never known. I couldn't control it. These questions, and many more at least as disturbing, pounded within my skull until my mind locked up and my body grew numb. The illogical loop got to me. The harder I tried to deny it, the faster it consumed me.

What if... what if... what if...?

I could not halt the crushing parade of doubts and insecurities. My breathing became troubled. I wrung my hands together until my fingers ached. I verged on totally losing my grip.

This must be what drowning feels like. Stop it, Eileen Rose DeWitt. Stop it stop it stop it...!

My breathing began to slow and control of my thoughts seemed within my grasp once more.

Just what-in-the-Hell was that?

"Rose, I have a great idea for tonight and I hope-- Rosie, what's wrong?"

Rachael, lovely, beautiful Rachael, stood there. She looked more amazing in person than she ever did in my mind, even though she was wearing her clothes. If a sorceress calmed a turbulent sea with a clap of her hands, the transformation could not have been more immediate or dramatic than the effect Rachael's presence had on my emotions.

"I'm okay," my voice croaked. I cleared my throat and stared at her face. A feeling of profound peacefulness washed over me, and my lips curled in a tiny, relaxed smile. "I'm fine, now."

It, whatever "it" was, began to wane. I hoped it never would plague me again. I mean, it really sucked--hard! With both lips, and certainly not in the good way!

She reached across my desk and took my hands in hers. "Okay, you look a little better. But, Gawd, when I walked in you looked..."

"I must have looked pretty bad, huh?"

"Um, ye-aah, like you were having a serious freaking craptastrophe! What were you thinking about?"

"Just had some bad stuff in my head. But you chased it all away."

"You need a distraction." She paused for a moment then told me, "We're having dinner."

Just exactly how I could be distracted from my overwhelming thoughts of Rachael--by Rachael--would remain a concept forever beyond my understanding. As this puzzle confounded me, she must have noticed my "what-the-hell?" expression.

"That's what I had planned for us. You know, I was telling you when I walked in."

I nodded.

"So, here's my fiendish plan. You ready?"

I nodded and she grinned.

"You are going home. You're going to have a hot bath and relax. I'll meet you there exactly at seven, with food. And you will forget all about whatever had you so fu--I mean, so messed up, 'kay?"

As my eyes stared deeply into Rachael's the oddest feeling infused my facial muscles. They felt... happy! The grin began to spread my lips wider and wider, and nothing I could do would stop it. In fact, more effort at "control" merely increased the silly quotient. Soon I began to giggle.

"That's better," she chuckled. "So, get going. I'm staved."

"Okay, Rachael."

"And just make sure you're ready for dinner when I get there, 'cause I'm, like, starved!"

I nodded some more like a foolish, grinning bobble head. "Yes, ma'am."

By the time I got home it was already twenty till seven. I would just have time to bathe and dress before Rachael's arrival, but no time to masturbate. I hoped I could keep my thoughts from turning wanton.

Yeah, like that's possible. Get a grip!

At three past the doorbell rang. I finished pulling on a plain skirt and straightened my blouse. Nothing fancy, but this was our first "date." I wanted to look presentable.

"Hi, Rose." She pecked my cheek and headed toward the kitchen. "Hope you like sushi."

"Sushi?" My cheek burned beneath my fingers as I touched where she kissed me.

"Yeah, You like?" Her ponytail bobbed as she turned towards the counter.

"Um, sure."

"Good, 'cause it's so sensuous. You know, little morsels, and you eat them with your fingers. Yummy!"

Get a grip get a grip get a grip....

"Rose, where do you want to sit?"

My focus at that moment remained on her shapely bottom, thinking I knew where I wanted her to sit. I darted my eyes in a safer direction and struggled to, well, to get a grip.

"Oh, um, let's sit at the table." I turned towards the dining room suite. "Gosh, I should've-- Let me set some plates out. Crap, I'm--"

"Oh, Rosie, you're fine. Relax. This is fun, 'kay?"

"Yeah, okay."