A Love Story Ch. 02

"Do you ever feel like you missed out on anything marrying so young?" I was tentative, quiet almost, but I got the question out.

"No, not at all, baby. Why?" I could tell Brad was apprehensive, I guess he had a right to be. The last couple of years of our marriage had been a little hectic. Both of us were working full time on different shifts and I was going to school for most of the time I wasn't working.

"Oh, I don't know. I mean I was so young and barely even out of high school when we married." I fidgeted a little as we spoke. He sat up a little more and turned me so he could look into my eyes.

"Where's this coming from Chels?"

"I was talking with Jessica at school. She's done so much and lived so much more than I have and she's just your age." I couldn't look him directly in the eyes anymore.

"Well, I guess she has but, I don't know if she's the model for you to follow. I mean, look at her." He paused; he knew Jessica and I were close, and I could tell he was trying to tread lightly.

We were sitting there not speaking, I knew that Brad was trying to assess the situation. Jessica told me not to give him too much time to respond so I cut into his thoughts, "She's been married, she has a baby and she's travelled the world. She was shocked that I'd settled down so early."

"That may be true, but she's also divorced because she got pregnant by another dude. Is that what you want, a baby? I'd love that because I'm ready for a baby with you."

I could tell he was desperately hoping this is where the conversation was going, that I was finally ready for babies. "No. Someday for sure, but not now. Sometimes I, I just..." I hesitated before continuing. "I just feel like I've lost myself, that I grew up too fast. I mean, I never had a chance to find out who I am and now there is no me anymore--just us!"

Brad wasn't sure how to take that and I could see his internal conflict reflected on his face. He got up and tried to walk off the tension. I took the break to sit up properly on the couch.

"What are you saying, Chels?"

"Jessica says..." I stopped myself, I knew it would be a mistake to blame this on Jess and started again "I think I should take some time to find myself."

"Are you leaving me?" His voice cracking a little. He was fighting hard to keep his emotions in check. Our discussion was quickly escalating, on its way to becoming an argument. I regretted broaching the subject.

"No, not really." I trailed off because that was exactly what I was doing physically. I wanted to stay married to Brad, but I just wanted the experiences Jess had.

"What are you SAYING? Chels?"

"Jessica said I could stay with her while I figure out who Chelsea Simmons is."

"Chelsea Simmons is the wife of Bradley Simmons. THAT is who she is!" he responded quickly. "Are you moving out?"

"A little, I guess." I responded quietly; this conversation wasn't going the way Jessica and I thought it might go.

"It's like being pregnant, Chels. You either are or you're not. It kind of sounds like you've already decided!" He appeared to be panicking, like his whole world was falling apart. From his viewpoint, I guess it was. "I can't. I can't do this now. I need to breathe." He grabbed a sweatshirt and headed out. He looked at me before closing the door. I'm sure he could see the tears welling in my eyes.

I was on the phone with Jessica as Brad came back in the door, I whispered to her "He's back, I've got to go."

He sat at our small kitchen table, "How would this work, Chels?"

I brightened up for a second and sat down across from him, thinking that maybe he saw that my quest wouldn't dramatically affect us.

"I would move in with Jessica, and come over here two nights a week, maybe Tuesdays and Thursdays since our schedules kind of match on those nights and text you every day, all the time," I took a breath, "and we would have date night every Sunday afternoon till late."

"But you wouldn't sleep here?"

"No." I had thought that was clear. "I would be living with Jessica and Sammi."

"For how long?" I could tell he was frustrated again, and it was starting to show in his tone.

"Not sure, but I guess not more than a few months." I couldn't keep his gaze anymore and started looking down once again.

"Are you seeing someone else?" It came out a little more aggressive than I think he meant it, but it was out there, and I needed to handle it.

"GOD NO!" I stood and stepped away from him, "Jessica said you would go there right away. What is wrong with you?" I just stared at him wondering how he couldn't trust me after our five years together. "I love you, Brad. That's not ever going to change. Not ever."

He stuttered as he tried to cope with our new reality.

"Chels, it's a natural question, I know things have been rocky. Guys hit on you all the time and you're really homing in on my insecurities with this." Brad paused for a second before continuing to try to speak to my heart. "You're my world, Chelsea! I don't know where I would be or what I would do without you."

"I think that's kind of the point." I stood there, amazed how cold I just sounded.

"When?" He asked.

"I was thinking about next Saturday while you were at work." Was my response.

His shoulders dropped; he hung his head like his world had just imploded. "Okay. I don't think this is the right thing to do, Chels, but I guess I don't get a vote." He walked down the short hall and into the spare room where we kept our computer. I could hear him lightly crying when I went to the closed door to check on him, I think we were both lost in our own pain.

June 1, 2007

The week sucked. We haven't talked much, but that wasn't unusual with our schedules. We did talk on the phone a little and continued to text all week, but we both stayed away from the colossal elephant in the room. We did have some early morning sex a couple of times when Chelsea got home from work. It was really sort of a standard week for us except it wasn't.

I texted Chels on Wednesday and asked if we could meet on Thursday before she went to work. I wanted to try to dissuade her one more time before we went past the point of no return.

She responded, "Sure, if it will help you accept the situation." Can you fucking believe that? My fucking life is going down the shitter, and Chelsea says, "Sure, if it will make you feel better!" I have this dark feeling that I'm truly losing my wife. I can't believe this shit is happening to me!

Chelsea

Brad was sitting at our kitchen table Thursday afternoon when I came in from school. I only had mid-morning classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

"Chelsea, I have been doing a lot of thinking and have a few more questions." It was obvious that he was grasping at straws, just like Jessica warned he would. He would promise me anything to keep me from finding myself. I knew that Jess was going to broaden my life with new experiences and travel. She would help me learn about what it's like to be a woman of the world, so I wasn't going to budge one inch in my decision.

"Could we do counseling? Maybe get some help understanding what's happening and how to move through this?" I was shocked, I never figured he would go this route, I had planned on him begging but not trying to rationalize the situation. He kind of pissed me off.

"No, I don't need any counseling. There is nothing wrong with me."

"I could move into the spare room and give you some space. Would that help?" This is more of what I expected from him.

"No, nothing would be different. I would still be stuck here." I could hear the exasperated tone in my voice, but I couldn't stop myself from voicing my frustration.

"You feel stuck?" He acted a little surprised.

I looked down. This was becoming too common during our interactions. "A little."

"So, this is the only option?"

"Yes, it is." I was being defiant. I was trying to get my way. I wasn't thinking about what a victory would cost me, what it would cost Brad, or what it would cost our marriage.

"I have to go on the record to say that I'm not happy about your decision. I think you are about to make huge mistake and I'm asking you to abandon your plan." His voice wavered a little. "I worry that you'll never come back once you move out. I want you to stay here, Chels. Please? I'm begging you."

"It will be fine; you love me, and I love you. I'm just going to be gone briefly and help Jessica with Sammi. Just think, when I come back, I'll probably want a baby after being around Sammi all the time!" I really meant it; I was starting to feel that maternal instinct. I guess that was also a part of my drive to get out and experience some more of life before being trapped.

"Chelsea, I have to ask you this. Are you planning on dating?"

"Absolutely!"

"WHAT!" His voice cracked as he shouted at me.

I smiled as my response, I knew I was winning and wanted to lighten up the mood some "Just you, you silly man. Every Sunday night!"

"No one else?"

"No Brad. You were my first true love and will be my last. I promise baby!" Though I knew Jessica and I planned on some platonic dates, I figured I didn't need to tell him that now.

"I need to go. There's a rumor that I'm up for the Assistant General Manager position in Cloverdale. We should know by next month; I could commute from here or we could move. I think having a new schedule would help. Don't you?"

That was great news and I honestly thought new schedules might help a lot, but I was suddenly sad because my freedom was in jeopardy once again, "That's great babe, we'll see."

June 8, 2007

When I got back home late Saturday night, my wife was gone. There was little evidence she was ever there.

She did come home on Sunday, and we went out on our first date night, we had dinner, a few drinks and went back to the apartment and made love. She made it perfectly clear that I was not to ask her to come home, so I resisted my compulsion to do so.

June 29, 2007

The last two weeks have been good, just as Chelsea promised. If I ignored that she wasn't living at home, it was essentially as normal as it had been. She was here on both Tuesdays and Thursdays as well as Sunday for our date night and we had sex every time. Her texts and phone calls have been flirty and normal. I was hoping she would be home soon. I sent her flowers and little cards; I had heard that women in these situations like their men to fight for them.

So, I'm going to fight for her.

Chelsea

It made me sad to see the pain in his writing, how could I have been such a fool.

Jessica was so excited to have a partner living with her. I was overwhelmed with her enthusiasm. She filled every spare minute I had. Each night that I didn't work she dragged me out to a local club where we flirted with hot guys and let them buy us drinks. We left Sammi with an elderly neighbor who was happy to babysit for us.

Each time it was like I was finding my freedom again. It was so fantastic. Unfortunately, I was also forgetting that I had a loving husband at home. Not so fantastic.

My flirty personality resurfaced with a vengeance. I had turned it off almost completely because Brad was always around, but now that he wasn't, I found myself flirting with the guys at the clubs, then the ones at the grocery store and then the ones at work. I worked with more than a few good-looking younger guys, all of whom made it clear that they would love to be with me. I was letting all that attention go to my head.

Each proclamation of love that Brad sent to me amplified my love for him. In retrospect I'm sad because I forgot to keep my promises to him as I got lost in my new reality. Or was it a fantasy?

July 6, 2007

It's been three weeks now, there are fewer texts. She missed Tuesday. Sunday was a shortened date night, and no sex. I'm more worried than ever.

July 20, 2007

By the fourth week of Chelsea's absence, I only got two texts, and she skipped all three date nights.

The fifth week, I heard nothing from her. I've continued to send her flowers and sweet texts, but I never get a response from her.

I'm totally freaked out and realize that our marriage is probably over.

I was offered the job in Cloverdale. I should be ecstatic but I'm not. I'm lost without Chels, and I have a hard time finding any joy in the news without her.

I called to tell her and had to leave a message. I never heard back from her. One night I cut out of work a little early so I could catch her as she came out of the department store where she worked in the mall to share the news.

I waited, and then saw the door open, she came out with some guy about her age, holding hands. My heart sank. He walked her to her car, and then they kissed. It was the kind of deep sensual kiss she should have reserved for her husband.

I tried to get out of the car, but I couldn't move. I watched her drive away alone.

Chelsea

I all but forgot that I was a married woman. It was in that third week that I first cheated on Brad. Jess and I had gone out to a club, and we got a little too drunk. I ran into Mark. He'd just turned twenty-one and was all man. The only problem was that he worked for me, as in on the same shift at AE. His full court press collapsed my defenses. I woke up with him in my bed that weekend.

I was totally ashamed of myself, so I pulled away from Brad even though I didn't want to. I knew he would know that I had been unfaithful to him, and I was trying to avoid a confrontation. My cowardly behavior didn't make things any better though. At best, it only kept it from getting worse.

Mark continued his assault and I found myself slipping into my sluttier ways. I met up with Mark several times over the next few weeks. I was missing more classes and was wondering if I should drop out altogether.

The longer I stayed away from Brad, the deeper I fell. I started sleeping with different guys a couple times a week. Soon I'd fall completely into slutdom. I'm sure that's what Brad feared and exactly what Jessica wanted. Between the two of us, our apartment needed a revolving door. Guys coming and going, all completely satisfied I should add, at all hours of the day or night.

I started to date Mark. Since we worked the same shift, it was easy for us to slip out after work and end up at one of our places. He would walk me to my car, kiss me and then we'd decide where we were going to go fuck.

I stopped responding to Brad, out of shame more than anything else. I knew I was crossing lines that I could not uncross, but it was like I wasn't in control of myself anymore.

Then I got a text from Brad that made me stop in my tracks.

Brad @ 11:22 [Please call me, it's really important.]

I waited till I knew he would be at work. I knew he didn't answer his phone when he was working because he didn't allow his people to use their phones at work. He didn't use his to set a good example for his staff. He must have anticipated that I would try something sneaky. I was shocked when he answered his phone. I had nowhere to hide.

"Hey, what's up?" I started, trying to be nonchalant.

"How are you?" he quipped.

"Fine, what's important?"

"I got that job in Cloverdale." I heard the desperation in his voice, I thought that he was hoping that it might make a difference.

"Good for you." I was suddenly annoyed with him; I had a date in thirty minutes and didn't have time to waste on something trivial as a promotion. He was getting them all the time now, so why was this important?

"Can you come home now?"

"Not ready yet." There was no way I could face him, not after what I had been doing. My response was curt and straight to the point.

He paused for a second and quickly I wondered what he was up to. "I saw you, Chelsea."

"What?" I tried to play it off, but I thought I might have seen his car last night in the parking lot. I was so horny and, in a hurry, to get to Mark's house, I blew it off.

"I saw you kissing that guy last night." He was heated now, and I could hear the anger in his voice. Fuck, he did see me. Not sure what to do so I went on the offensive.

"Are you SPYING on me! You ASSHOLE! I can't believe you don't trust me." I went off, just like Jess advised me to if Brad ever confronted me.

"You weren't responding to my texts or calls. I wanted to share something good with you. Something that would change our lives, but instead I saw something that might change our marriage forever." He was accusing. "Are you sleeping with him?"

"Not yet." I lied; I was so ashamed that I just hung up on him. I collapsed into a chair and started crying. I completely fucked up my life. I was so lost now, and I had nowhere to turn.

That was the last conversation between us directly.

Brad must have contacted a lawyer, because a couple of weeks later I got an official separation document where he asked for counselling to try and repair our marriage. I just signed the document and sent it back to his lawyer.

My life was falling apart. I tried to break it off with Mark and I stopped going out with Jessica on the weekends. I was planning to go to the listed counselling sessions, until I was fired for fraternization with an employee.

Mark didn't like that I dropped him, so he reported that I had seduced him and convinced him to date me, or I would fire him. There was no way I could face Brad now and let him know how far I had fallen. So, I never went to the sessions.

Brad must have given up on me because he stopped trying to contact me directly after I blew off the counselling. Now only his lawyer's office contacted me. I never responded.

I fell into a deep depression. I took a job as a cocktail waitress at the club and started going home with a different guy each night. I also dropped out of school officially. All my dreams seem to have become one big nightmare.

Ninety days later Brad filed for divorce, I signed the forms without contesting anything, and just like that my marriage was over. Our divorce was final on January 9, 2008.

Brad's next journal entries were hurtful, I could see his pain in the text. He had very few good things to say about me. It was distressing to see how his penmanship deteriorated. He mentioned that he was drinking each night just to be able to sleep. It was obvious that he had slipped over the edge, and it was all my fault.

I threw the journal across the couch like it had bitten me. I was so disgusted with myself for the way I treated Brad. His journal entries made his pain so real to me now. I carried Mary to bed with me. As we lay there, I cried myself to sleep pulling my baby girl to me for comfort.

In the morning all I could focus on was Brad and how I had treated him. How could I have so carelessly hurt the man who loved me unconditionally? I threw him away like a day-old sandwich. My heart hurt. My depression deepened. But I had responsibilities so, I got up and repeated the same routine that I repeated every day.

The next night after the kids were in bed, I thought about how I hadn't seen Brad for many years, and that I stopped reading his journal at our divorce. Now, I was curious about what he had done between then and the last time I saw him. That night I picked up the journal, flipped through the tear-stained pages and started to see the man I loved starting to come back.

April 10, 2009

It's been about two years since our divorce was final and I still miss Chelsea every single day. It's been so hard to get up in the morning, knowing it would be another day that she wouldn't be with me.