A Love Story Ch. 02

Work is good, though. I'm putting everything into what I'm doing. After all, I don't have a personal life anymore. I find myself subbing for every department manager that calls in sick. It's like I'm at work 24/7. My general manager loves it and I get awesome reviews. He says it won't be long before I get my own store. I tell him I only want this one or Greencastle, but since both have younger managers, it will be a while before that happens.

I've been self-medicating each night when it's time to sleep. I can't close my eyes without seeing Chelsea and wondering what she's doing. It's been taking more and more Jack Daniels lately, but eventually I fall asleep, or is it passing out? The difference doesn't quite matter anymore.

I called Chelsea again today, but her number is disconnected, and no one I know will tell me where she is. She hasn't worked at the AE for a couple of years now and I've lost track of her.

I still love you Chelsea, wherever you are!

Chelsea

I know exactly where I was that day. I was in the hospital giving birth to Suzy, my first. I met her father, John through the club. We didn't last two months before he proposed, and I accepted.

I was feeling guilty about Brad, and I missed being married. I was also ready to have a baby, I had thought about trying to call Brad a few times, to see if he'd still be interested in putting a baby in me but I figured he wouldn't want anything to do with me. So, I chose John.

That was another mistake. Unbeknown to me, Jessica started seeing John at our house each night when I was working. It wasn't until I couldn't work anymore at the club that I realized that Jessica and John were fooling around. Suzy was three months old when I came home from a well-baby visit to find the apartment empty.

I called Jessica crying. She told me that she and John had run off and that the divorce papers were sitting in the kitchen. He filed, signed, and took off without ever saying a word to me. I went to court and the divorce was granted. I was awarded child support, but to this day I haven't seen a dime from that man. I filed all the proper paperwork, but it was like he disappeared and since we didn't have any other assets, I walked out of the courthouse a two-time loser and broke as hell.

August 19, 2011

My stupors seem to be easier to fall into these days, and they last longer. I've given up trying to find Chelsea and have become content with my nightly drinking and my continuous loneliness.

One of the nighttime cashiers has been flirting with me, I think. Julie is a year and half older than I am, and she has two kids from a divorce. She is pretty. She's not Chelsea, but she's attractive. She keeps starting conversations with me. Not sure what to do about that.

September 30, 2011

Julie invited me to a barbecue this weekend. I told her I would go with her, but I think I'm going to skip it. It's at ten in the morning, and I'm usually not up till noon on a Saturday if I'm not working. Oh well.

October 7, 2011

I ended up going to the barbecue with Julie, she called me at eight and forced me awake. She even came by my apartment and picked me up. I was too ashamed to let her in to see all of the empty bottles, so I got dressed and met her at the curb.

I must have looked like shit, but she never said a word. I didn't drink because I knew I would get drunk too easily. She asked me to dinner later next week. What in the hell does she see in me?

Chelsea

It made my heart glad to see that Brad's mood had picked up and that someone could see the good inside of that man. I hoped I hadn't killed all his love off.

Good for you Julie, I caught myself thinking. I know what she was seeing. I wish I could tell him myself.

January 13, 2012

I spent the holidays with Julie and her kids. It almost felt like we were a family. She knows of my issues with booze because she came and cleaned my apartment two weeks ago and helped me throw everything away.

I've been dry for one week so far; it feels weird not having to be so drunk that I don't know my own name to fall asleep.

I think I'm developing feelings for her.

April 6, 2012

I've been sober for two months now, and Julie's been with me every step of the way. We made love the other night, the first time for me with another person since Chelsea. I'd forgotten what a connection that can be.

All I can think about is my future and Julie. My mind is always occupied with her. Maybe there is life after Chelsea.

August 3, 2012

I've been sober seven months and I'm in love again! I can't believe it!! How could this happen to me a second time? I don't deserve Julie but I'm not going to give her up or question my good luck.

November 23, 2012

I proposed to Julie yesterday in front of her whole family at Thanksgiving. She said "YES!!"

For the second time in my life, I see a positive future. I'll finally have that family I wanted so badly with Chelsea. I guess good things happen for the undeserving. I'm so happy.

December 19, 2012

My world just crashed again today. Julie was taking a second shift for a sick cashier when a young kid who was obviously going through withdrawals pulled a gun on Julie and demanded all the money. Just as we train, Julie gave him everything in the drawer, then he spotted her engagement ring.

He told her to hand it over and she said "No." He screamed at her, and she still wouldn't take it off. He shot her in the chest and then ran off scared without the ring.

I heard the shot and ran to the front of the store and saw Julie laying there. I called 911 as I held her. She died in my arms, right there in checkout number 5. I lost everything again.

It's late now, it might be tomorrow, and I'm sitting in my apartment still covered in her blood. A fresh bottle of Jack, still in the brown wrapper is staring at me. Why can't I ever win?

My love died today for a crappy twenty-five-hundred-dollar ring.

Chelsea

Oh My God! My heart hurts right now. I can't believe how much he has lost, how much he paid for my stupidity. For the third night in a row, I cried myself to sleep.

In the morning, I couldn't shake the feelings of despair and heartache left over from last night. I had no idea that Brad had been through so much. I shuffled through my day, doing the same things with the kids that I do every day. I was so wrapped up in myself at the time, I had no idea how much pain Brad had to endure. I was almost afraid to pick up his journal tonight, but I did. Brad's story was compelling, and I wanted to know if it got any better.

March 13, 2015

I was offered the General Manager position in Greencastle today. Apparently, the execs don't care if you're a falling down drunk as long as you have no life and dedicate every waking hour to their store. This is my life now.

I've lost Chelsea and Julie both; I've given up on finding love or peace. Julie's kids went back to live with their dad shortly after her death. So not only have I lost the loves of my life, I've lost any semblance of a family. I guess I've gotten all that I deserve. So, it's working all day, drinking my fifth at night, just to wake up the next day and do it all over again.

The headaches don't even bother me anymore.

Chelsea

I remember this time pretty well; I had thought that my own life might have been taking a turn for the good. I found out in November of 2014 that I was pregnant again by my boyfriend Jorge. He married me as soon as he found out that I was pregnant. He was a landscaper, and I was working as a cashier again, for Walmart this time.

Life was good until Jorge's actual wife showed up to get him to sign the divorce papers. I had no idea he was already married, which then made ours invalid. I kicked him out of the house, expecting him to come back to discuss our next steps but he never did. That was the second time I was ghosted, just as I ghosted Brad--karma is such a bitch! The marriage was easy to nullify but my son Jimmy was born without the presence of his father. I listed the father as Unknown on the birth certificate. I knew that the loser would never pay child support, so I didn't even try to get any.

Now I was a three-time failure

June 2, 2017

My life is barely a life. I never date, let alone think about getting remarried. My days consist of going to work, lunch, going home, watching TV and drinking. I really don't go to sleep as much as I just pass out.

This week I had a bright moment. Of all the people to run into, I ran into Chelsea in the store today. It had been almost ten years since I saw her last. I spotted this cute petite woman pushing a cart through the store, pregnant, with a toddler in the cart and a little girl about nine walking beside her. I stopped and just stared at her, she caught me out of the corner of her eye and then recognized me.

She asked if she could call me, and I responded with those same words that hurt me so badly all those years ago and immediately regretted them. I gave her my cell number anyway; a guy can hope. Right?

I brought an extra bottle tonight and I'm going to put in a little extra effort in drowning my soul.

Chelsea

I remember seeing him that day. I was pregnant with Mary at the time, and I was so shocked to see him, I just about delivered her right there in the produce section. He didn't look good. I saw that he was showing signs of alcoholism. His red flushed cheeks, bulbous nose and borderline emaciation were a dead giveaway.

Even though Brad was skinny, and his hairline had started to recede, I could see that sparky twenty-two-year-old boy who screwed up enough courage to ask the teenage cashier out hiding behind his worn exterior.

I waddled towards him. He looked frightened and cemented in place. I was afraid he might run, and there was no way I was going to catch him in my current condition. He looked tired. He smiled weakly at me.

"Hi. You back?" I started the conversation.

"Yeah, I've been the General Manager for a little over a year." He shifted uncomfortably.

I glanced down at his left hand, and then looked up at him. "You never remarried?"

"No, I lost the love of my life a long time ago." He said coldly, I could feel the rush of embarrassment flushing my face. He hadn't forgiven me.

"What a stupid woman."

"Yeah, someone should tell her."

"She knows." I whispered; I really did know how stupid I had been. Why did I need my freedom?

"All yours?" He asked, pointing at my brood of kids, the look on his face showing that I had what he wanted for us.

"Yes."

"So, you're remarried?" He asked, assuming that I must be.

"Ahh, yeah. Twice, Suzy's dad first then Jimmy's." I pointed at my toddler. "But I couldn't keep them, guess I'm a three-time loser." I could feel my eyes welling a little and sniffed back the tears. I pointed to my belly and said, "This one was a souvenir from a long wild weekend." It was a long drug-induced, alcohol-hazed weekend with several different guys. I remembered being passed around from guy to guy. Most of them weren't upright citizens, I wasn't being picky that weekend. I was still reeling from losing my third husband just after the annulment became finalized.

It was obvious that I was saying all three children had different fathers. I looked down at the floor again, shamed once more. I just proved to the only man I ever truly loved that I was just a common slut willing to fuck whoever wanted to do me.

"Is Jessica still around?"

"No, she ran off with Suzy's dad shortly after she was born, and I have no idea what happened to them or Sammi." I could hear the tension in my own voice, remembering how that bitch helped fuck up the best thing I had just to stab me in the back. That friendship didn't end the way I wanted.

"Do any travelling?" He asked, trying to break the tension a little.

"No, I've hardly made it out of the state."

"You? Any little Bradley's?"

"No, no kids and no travel, never saw the need for it." He sounded as defeated as I felt.

I looked down again and shuffled my feet a little, "Well, it was good seeing you. I need to get these guys back home to get dinner," I started to shuffle away, "Can I call you sometime?"

"Sure, if you think it will help." I stifled a little yelp, being burned by those same words I used on him. We exchanged phone numbers, I did intend to call him, but every time I was close to ringing him, I remembered the tone of his last words. He didn't want to hear from me. Turns out that he did, he mentioned it in many of his entries, how he waited to hear from me, afraid of being hurt once again.

March 5, 2021

Saw the doctor again today, it's getting harder and harder to get around, my Cirrhosis is getting worse, I've been in an advanced stage for about a year. The doctor said I had a chance of survival with some quality-of-life restrictions if I give up drinking. That was about four years ago, I didn't see any reason to give up the only aspect of my life that gave me any comfort or pleasure.

Chelsea

I could feel his loss of good health. Two years ago, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I never did find out exactly why I developed cancer and it didn't matter in the long run. I had a total hysterectomy, forever losing my ability to give children to anyone. Not that anyone was asking, I stopped being attractive years ago from the forces of life and the choices I made, but still I had grieved the loss.

April 16, 2021

Looks like this may be my last entry, I'm sitting here in a hospital bed putting up with the pity looks from all of the nurses. My room is cluttered with flowers from the stores with notes and get well wishes from store employees, both here in Greencastle and in Cloverdale, but they all know I'm not coming back. They've watched me waste away over the years.

I'm ready for this life to be over, I have so many regrets. But I did have two great loves in my life, at least no one can take that away from me.

Chelsea was my greatest love and regret. I should have called her four years ago when we met in the store. Fear is a great deterrent. She didn't call me either, and I don't blame her for that. I wouldn't have called me after the way I treated her either.

Julie was an angel, so perfect in many ways. I put my restoration in her hands and when I lost her, I lost all my will.

So here they are, my last words to my wife. "I Love you".

Chelsea

I cried. I cried deep, chest-heaving sobs. My tears stained those last pages as I tried to rationalize the conclusion to our lives. I didn't call him. If I had, he might be with me.

On Saturday, I stood at Brad's grave and tossed a white rose onto the casket. Suzy stood beside me holding Jimmy's hand while a very sad Mary held mine.

Jimmy looked up at me, "Was he my daddy, mommy?" He inquired as only an innocent can.

"No baby, he wasn't. But he would have loved to have been."

"Who was he and what happened?" It was Suzy this time, wondering why we were out here on a cold morning.

"He was the joy of my life for a long time, and he was very sick, baby." I couldn't bring myself to tell her that it was her mother who drove a good man to drink himself to death. I wanted to believe it was the booze that killed him, but it wasn't. It was me. My Brad died of a broken heart the Saturday I left him. It took fourteen more years for the rest of him to catch-up.

I looked down at the rose on top of the casket and then looked up to the sky, "Well, baby. I guess I was right. I knew you were my first and last love, remember I promised." I tried to contain the tears, but they flowed anyway, "Julie, take good care of our man." We turned as I led the children back to the car, knowing that our love story was finally finished.

How could I have been so stupid!