A Martian Slut Ray? Really?

"Bobby, ...."

"Christa, wait, please. Let me say how sorry I am, to just barge in without even a phone call. I feel really stupid, for my own idiocy and especially for embarrassing you. Uh, you should know, I met your mom and she chewed on me a bit, and I deserved every bit of it."

"Yeah, she's pretty good at that. I'm not sure why you're here, and it was pretty embarrassing for me when I answered the door." I started to interrupt, but she continued, "Wait, Bobby, let me finish. Dana is playing soccer this morning. How about we drive over to the soccer field. We can watch her play and you can tell me why you came over this morning."

"Umm, okay, that's fine, and again I'm so sorry for embarrassing you. That was horribly rude of me."

"Yes, it was, but now let's put it behind us and go watch a soccer game." And we did. We drove over to watch Dana play. Pretty good, not great. The game time gave Christa and I time to talk, well, more me talking and her making sympathetic sounds. After listening to me squawking and whining about Janet for a while, and the game about to finish, Christa interrupted my monologue.

"Bobby, you need to fish or cut bait. You know what that means?" I shrugged a bit, and she tried another homespun aphorism. "You need to pee or get off the pot. Geez, Bobby, you need to either accept what she says she is going to do, and I know you don't want that, or, in your sternest, meanest voice, you tell her if goes through with this, you will absolutely, positively, file for divorce next week. And you need to make her believe that."

Just like that, our conversation was over. Dana came running over with the happy glow of a game-winning eleven-year-old. I offered to take them to lunch, but Christa quickly declined. Work at home for both of them, she said. I dropped them off at their townhouse and headed, where else, to the office. I couldn't face Janet, had already run that day, didn't want to call any friends, which would lead to embarrassing questions, didn't want to go to a bar. So I sat in my office and brooded. The draft divorce petition came in from Elizabeth by email. I looked at it, sent her a few nitpicky comments, and finally went home.

Janet was fixing dinner as I walked in. She said hi, didn't start in about the elephant in the room, and I didn't either. We did have dinner together, talked politely about the weather and the school year, basically meaningless chatter. I cleaned up after dinner since she had done the prep. She was watching something on TV when I finished. I ignored her and headed to my office.

"Bobby, would you like to watch a movie on TV with me? It's...."

"No, Janet, we have this huge elephant in the room and, until we get it resolved, I really don't feel comfortable sitting with you. Next week, we'll get the resolution: either you stop your plan to cheat or, if you go through with it, I file for divorce." I went on into my office. Later I went to bed, once again in the guest room. Didn't sleep well, but that didn't' surprise me. The next day, Sunday, I went for a punishing run, then out to breakfast by myself, no bothering Christa, and no desire to see my wife today. Luckily, the Macon Bacon were playing at home that afternoon, so I went to their game. They lost, but I had a good time, lost myself in the flow of the game for a while. The game eventually ended and I slowly, reluctantly headed home. I thought about staying in a motel, but I wanted to give Janet one last chance at saving our marriage.

No dinner together. I don't know if she even ate. I finally fixed a sandwich and hung out in my office until I was tired enough to go to bed. As I headed to the spare bedroom, Janet did approach me.

"Bobby, I just want you to know that this will all be over tomorrow. When you get home from work, we can sit down and talk and you, not me, you, can decide whether I go back for more instruction on Wednesday."

"Janet, we're just going in circles. You're going to cheat tomorrow, and for some reason you can't see that. Your cheating will end our marriage and you just can't see that either."

"Bobby, no, I promise, you'll see. Everything will be better tomorrow." Crazy, I mean actually mentally sick? Or just crazy for some different cock? Or struck by a real Martian Slut Ray? Fuck if I know. I felt like she was driving me crazy. I didn't respond and went to bed.

Monday started off with a phone call to Elizabeth, to make sure the PI would be following Janet if she left to go to her 'instruction.' I went to work, but with no expectation of getting any actual work done. I sat at my desk, literally staring at the phone, waiting for it to ring with a phone call from the PI.

The phone did ring, just before noon, but the call was from Elizabeth, the divorce lawyer, not the PI.

"Bobby, the PI called me a few minutes ago, to report that he did follow your wife to a house on Laramie Drive. She entered the house about an hour ago and has not yet reemerged. The PI is also an officer of the court, and he can serve the divorce papers on her at that house if you want me to tell him to do so."

"Elizabeth, thank you for the message. I just don't have any choice. Please have her served. Can the PI record the service? I mean, I would like to see her reaction if that is possible."

"I'm sure the PI has a video camera. I'll tell him to record, and I'll email it to you later today."

"Thanks, Elizabeth, let me know when I owe you more for your fees or the PI's fees."

"No worries, you take care now." Later that afternoon, the video did come in, attached to an email. Watching it on my laptop, I felt only sad, no anger, but no tears either. The camera must have been attached to the PI's breast pocket. It started off with him banging on the door. A tall, handsome, fit-looking guy finally answered the door, dressed in a bathrobe and looking disheveled.

"What?" the guy yelled at the PI.

"I need to speak to Mrs. Janet Thomas," the PI said.

"What? How do you.... Uh, there is no one here by that name."

"Listen carefully," the PI replied. "I am a sworn officer of the Superior Court of Macon-Bibb County, and I know Mrs. Thomas is present at this residence. You will inform her that she must appear before me or suffer the consequences." Wow, I thought, I had to admire him. Everything he said was absolutely truthful and absolutely meaningless, but the asshole who answered the door obviously didn't know that.

"Okay, okay, wait a minute, I'll see if I can find her." He disappeared from the video view, back into the house. Then, to my eternal sadness, Janet appeared at the door, also in a bathrobe and also looking disheveled.

"I'm Janet Thomas. Why are you looking for me?" she said.

"Ma'am, may I see some ID?" the PT asked.

"Uh, wait a minute," she disappeared back into the house, reappearing again after a few minutes. "Here's my driver's license. Now tell me who you are and why you want me." The PI held her driver's license up to the camera and then handed it back to her along with a folder of papers.

"Janet Thomas, you have been served with a petition for divorce and related filings. You are advised to consult an attorney of your choosing." Janet collapsed onto the floor. The video remained on just long enough to focus on her lying on the floor and then went blank. I guess I went blank also, because I didn't move until, eventually, I looked up and saw Christa standing in front of my desk.

"Bobby, she did it, didn't she? Oh, you poor dear. Do you want to.... Oh, I don't know, I don't even know what to say to you. You can come to my house for dinner if you want. My mom fixed something, so it should be good. I know Dana would be happy to see you."

"Thank you, Christa, but I would not be good company for anybody. But may I have a raincheck?"

"Of course, you can. You can come over anytime. Uh, just remember to call first." That last said with a tiny grin. It got a tiny grin back from me.

"Thank you, Christa, I really mean that. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay." She left, and I was left sitting there, feeling sorry for myself and even, believe it or not, feeling sorry for Janet. Whatever she wanted out of her 'sex education,' I knew it wasn't a divorce petition.

Eventually I left for a nearby motel to spend the night. Janet called me a few times on my cell, but I never answered and turned off my phone. Long night, not much sleep, a run the next morning that did nothing for me. That's the way my life went for the next few weeks. I did go back to the house, watched until I was sure Janet was gone, and went inside to grab clothes and other stuff I needed. I found an apartment, pretty nice and near work. I never talked to Janet, never even saw her until our divorce hearing.

Elizabeth and I sat at one table, Janet and her lawyer, a youngish-looking guy Elizabeth said hello to, sat at the other. I looked around the courtroom and spotted the man from the video. I pointed him out to Elizabeth. She shrugged, and told me not to worry. I am not a trial lawyer, so being in court was rare for me. The bailiff called everyone to stand, we did, and the judge came in: an older woman, in black robes, already looking at papers as she sat down behind her elevated desk.

"Counsel, the matter is Thomas versus Thomas. Are you both ready to proceed?" They both answered yes, and she continued, "Ms. Jenkins, as counsel for the plaintiff, you're up first, and a reminder to both counsel, no histrionics. There's no jury here so drama will not help you and may get you in trouble. Clear?" They both said yes again, and the judge nodded at Elizabeth.

"Your honor, this is a straightforward action for divorce, based on the adultery of Mrs. Thomas. Mr. Thomas, my client, is not asking for nor is he offering any alimony. No children, the marital home is rented, savings to be split 50/50, and both parties to keep their own retirement accounts. All as stated in the pleadings." She sat down.

"Thank you, counsel, admirably brief. Always appreciated. Mr. Graham, as counsel for the defendant, do you have a response?"

"We do, your honor. My client denies the allegation of adultery and we are ready to submit evidence that no adultery took place, neither in the manner and place alleged in plaintiff's pleading nor at any other time."

"What is your evidence?" the judge asked.

"I would like to call a witness, your honor, with your permission."

"Absolutely, this should be interesting."

"Your honor, I call James Power to the stand." Sure enough, the video guy stood up and approached the bench. He was sworn in and sat in the witness chair. Janet's lawyer tried to set him up as a sex education expert.

"Mr. Power, please tell the court about your relationship with Mrs. Janet Thomas."

"I was retained by Mrs. Thomas for educational purposes, to conduct a short-term education course in sexual techniques in order to improve her and her husband's sexual responses to each other."

"And are you qualified to teach sex education courses?"

"Yes, by the California Board of Sex of Education, from which I have a diploma."

"And do you charge for these courses?"

"Yes, my standard fee is $1,000 for a three-day course. In the case of Mrs. Thomas, she told me that her husband was objecting to the course, and I adjusted the curriculum to start off with only one day of instruction in return for the $500 deposit she had paid."

"Did that one day of instruction include sexual intercourse?"

"No sir, it did not. Mrs. Thomas was served with a divorce petition before we had progressed to actual intercourse. She was so distraught by the divorce petition that we never met again for additional education."

"Thank you, Mr. Power. I have no further questions."

The judge turned to Elizabeth, "Counsellor, do you have any questions for this witness?"

"Yes, your honor, a few." As she stood up, Elizabeth whispered to me, "You may enjoy this." Addressing the witness, she continued. "Mr. Stringowitz, may I call you that, since that is your real name, correct?"

"Uh, uh, well, I go by Power, I mean Stringowitz was the name I had when I was born, but I don't use it anymore."

"Mm, did you stop using it because it is the name on your arrest record?"

"Objection, your honor," Janet's lawyer jumped up and started to say more, but the judge held up her hand.

"Ms. Jenkins, I tend to agree with Mr. Graham, how can this be relevant?"

"Your honor, this is relevant in two ways: First, as you know, a criminal conviction goes to the reliability of a witness's testimony. Second, Mr. Stringowitz's criminal convictions bear on the allegation of adultery."

"You may proceed, but you should know I am wary of the relevance of this."

"Yes ma'am, thank you. Now, Mr. Stringowitz, please tell the court how many times and for what offenses you have been convicted, particularly in the State of California."

"Uh, uh, I'm...." He looked at Janet's lawyer for help, but he was on his own. "Well, uh, it was, uh, well, uh, prostitution," he finally whispered, as if that would help.

"Mr. Stringowitz, did you say you were arrested for prostitution in the State of California?"

"Well, yes, but...."

"And how many times were you convicted, either after pleading guilty or being found guilty, of the charges of prostitution, pandering, or similar money-for-sex charges? Would you agree that the number is at least 24?"

"Your honor, plaintiff's counsel is leading the witness. I object," said Janet's lawyer.

"Mr. Graham, as you know, well, as you should know, plaintiff's counsel is cross-examining your witness and is entitled to ask leading questions. Proceed, Ms. Jenkins."

"Thank you, your honor. So, Mr. Stringowitz, at least 24 convictions for sex-for-money. Does that sound right?"

"Well, some of those were just...."

"Please, Mr. Stringowitz, yes or no."

"Okay, then yes."

"Thank you. And as to your diploma from the Board of Sex Education, how many hours of classroom work did you attend to earn your diploma?"

"Well, no actual classroom work. You see, it was mainly OJT time that earned me the certificate."

"Do you mean 'On the Job Training'?" Does that mean having sex with students or potential students?"

"Yeah, that's how you learn, you know."

"I'm sure. Moving on to your encounter with Mrs. Thomas, did you prequalify her to take your sex education course?"

"Yes, I did, that's standard procedure."

"And what techniques did you use for her prequalification?"

"Well, to put it in layman's terms, she gave me a blowjob and I went down on her, you know, oral sex, so I could gauge her level of experience and how comfortable she was with those sex acts."

"Thank you, Mr. Stringowitz, for a most informative series of answers. Your honor, although unusual, I hope you will allow me to summarize Mr. Stringowitz's testimony. I think it would be helpful for my client as well as for the defendant."

"Proceed, Ms. Jenkins."

"Thank you, your honor. Mr. Thomas," Elizabeth said, and turning toward Janet, "and Mrs. Thomas, in the testimony from Mr. Stringowitz, he admits he is a convicted male prostitute, with a meaningless diploma, who was paid $500 by Mrs. Thomas to have sex with her, under the disguise of education. Unfortunately for Mrs. Thomas, despite the disguise, the offense in Georgia is still prostitution, for which Mr. Stringowitz can be arrested as the prostitute and Mrs. Thomas can be arrested as his customer. Adultery in Georgia need not include what is referred to as penetrative sex. Oral sex, certainly as described by Mr. Stringowitz, counts as sex in the definition of adultery in Georgia. Thus, I am afraid, for Mrs. Thomas, that she is indeed guilty of adultery. Your honor, I have no more questions for this witness."

"Ms. Jenkins, you have ably stated your case. Mr. Graham, do you have a response for the defendant?"

"Uh, your honor, may we have a short recess to consider Ms. Jenkins' points?" The judge did grant a recess, and the hearing dragged on for a while, but Elizabeth had clearly won. She told me later that the info on Stringowitz was pretty easy to get. He had been run out of California for running his scam on too many stupid women, especially married ones. Janet was just one of many.

Speaking of Janet, as we were leaving the courtroom, I heard her complaining to her lawyer, "But I never even head sex with that asshole." The divorce was granted, on pretty much the terms Elizabeth had presented to the judge. Janet was never arrested for her role with Stringowitz, but he was charged with male prostitution and given the choice to leave Georgia immediately or spend 90 days in the county jail. Of course, he elected to depart, probably in hopes of finding a better place for his sex scam. I heard later that he made the mistake of driving through the little town where Janet's family lived. I did not hear whether he actually made it out of the town.

* * * * *

Christa and I did date, and we tried to get serious with each other, but it just didn't happen. I liked her mom and little girl more than I liked Christa, and I think she could tell that. We did remain friends, and still are.

I got my big bonus and made partner, but then John Thompson, my shopping center developer client from Nashville, made me an offer I couldn't refuse. He was impressed enough with my work for his project in Macon that he offered me a full-time position in his Nashville headquarters, with equity interests in his new developments. More risk than staying at the law firm, but, as it turned out, a whole lot more reward.

I did hear from Janet's mom about a year after the divorce. She got my number in Nashville from my old law firm and called to tell me that Janet had died. She had moved back to south Georgia after the divorce, and was living with her parents. She had started having headaches and, when she went to the doctor, they discovered a massive brain tumor. She died within a few weeks.

I was in Tallahassee, Florida, scouting a potential shopping center site, a few months after I got the news about Janet's death. I decided to drive up to her family's little town and pay my respects at her grave. There I found her gravestone; it looked like it had just been installed. On it were the dates of her birth and death, and an inscription: Janet Thomas, beloved daughter and loving wife.

That set me back. I stood there, lost in reliving my time with Janet: so many good times and such a horrible ending. Could her craziness have been caused by the brain tumor? I guess it was possible, I mean brain tumors are real, and Martian Slut Rays aren't, I think. I was willing to accept the gravestone inscription; after all, it was true for almost all of our life together. It made me feel better, about myself and my future, to remember a loving wife.

That really is the end of my story, in memory of my loving wife.

End