A New Start Doesn't Fix Everything

"You do what you want, Kurt. I can't control you."

We made toasted sandwiches for dinner, and I went to bed early. Kurt, thankfully, stayed in the lounge. He said he needed to think as well. I could feel him slipping away. I was losing him.

It was long after I went to sleep that I felt him slide into bed and snuggle up behind me. As much as I wanted to feel his arms around me, as much as I loved him, I couldn't talk to him. I drifted back to sleep.

I saw Alle a couple of times during the morning. When she walked into my office, just before twelve, she asked, "Do you want lunch?"

"No, not today thanks. I need to get some work done."

She walked over to my desk and sat perched on the edge. "Don't cut me out, Bligh. Let me in, we can talk. I know you have fears."

Looking around and seeing my assistant had already left for lunch, I said, "Alle, I need space, okay? This is way too much too fast for me. You're smothering me, at least that's what it feels like."

She reached for my hand. "You have to give me a chance. I don't want to take anything away from you. I want to add to it. I love you."

"Bullshit. You don't love me, we hardly know each other. You cannot base that assessment on a kiss."

"The kiss was the key to the door, but my love is based on everything. We are good together."

"What about Kurt?" I muttered, feelings of jealousy tugging at my confidence.

"I feel the same way about him. I knew the moment I saw him. We can both be good for him. We can love him together."

"No, love isn't like that. Maybe lust is, but love... That's personal. It can't be divided. If I have to give some of my love to you, then it takes it away from, Kurt. That must also work in reverse. Anything he gives you, he takes from me."

"That's not true Bligh. We can love multiple people. What if you have ten children? Will you not love them equally?"

"That is different, and you know it. What happens if you had to choose between Kurt, and me? Who would you choose?"

"I don't have to choose."

"What if you did. Some evil spirit makes you. One lives one dies. Who do you choose?"

"That's preposterous. I would choose you both."

Shaking my head, I walked out. "I need a walk. Please give me space Alle."

At home, Kurt was distant. I got the feeling that he was unhappy with me. I knew he was talking to Alle, via phone calls and messages. I heard him laughing and chatting. It was clearly a woman. Whenever I approached him, he disconnected the calls, looking very guilty.

At work, Alle had obviously decided to fight fire with fire and gave me the cold shoulder. It felt like I was being crushed between two immoveable forces. My only freedom was my bike, the Yellow Terror.

I needed to try and rationalise my thoughts. The kiss with Alle, it was so sensational. It raised questions within me I couldn't answer. I did want to explore those feeling, see what it felt like. Could I love two people? I wanted to; there was a chemical attraction between us, like phosphorous and air. She needed me to burn.

Every day it got harder. Kurt started pushing me. Had I contacted anybody about getting financial assistance? Had I signed my new contract? Had I made a decision? I wanted to do all of those things. I wanted to see what would happen between Alle and me, but I felt like I was being forced, and that made me uncomfortable. It made me question whether Alle just wanted Kurt, and she was including me just to get him.

The day I came home and found them cuddled together kissing on the sofa... That was the killer for me. After a shocking day at work, I walked out to find the Yellow Terror had a flat tyre. Luckily, one of the nurses who had a pickup helped me load the bike and take it to the repair shop in town. He dropped me at home, afterward, by the gate.

The back door was open, so I walked in. I heard them before I saw them. "What are we going to do, Kurt?" Alle, asked.

"I don't know, it's like she's on another planet. She won't talk to me. We haven't made love in over a week. She barely acknowledges me."

"I know, she's the same at work. I want to talk to her, hold her. I do love her, but she's making this impossible. We'll lose the house if she delays too long."

"I know, and I found that fucking letter of offer. She still hasn't signed it, you know. It's sitting on the spare bed."

"God, she's being so difficult. I don't understand it. Surely she can see what we see; she needs to understand where we're coming from."

"I know," he replied. "Don't worry. I've tried to talk to her. It's fucking impossible. She's cut me out of her life. If I didn't have you to talk to, I'd be lost."

I heard them kissing, and it flicked a switch. My nervousness became anger. I turned and walked out. I phoned my assistant and friend, Mardy. When I said I needed somewhere to sleep that night, she said she would love to have me. I turned, walked out the gate and stormed off up the road. She welcomed me into her apartment with open arms.

"Oh my god, girl. What's happened? You look terrible."

She walked me over to her couch and poured me bourbon and cola. By midnight, I was as drunk as I had ever been.

In the morning I called in sick. My first sick day in fourteen months. I went in to see HR, and lying through my teeth, I explained that my Nanna was very ill, and I needed to go back to Wellington to be close to her as she approached the end of her life. They paid me up and begged me to consider coming back in the future.

At least I had made a good impression at work.

I said my goodbyes to Mardy and my close work mates, and then headed straight to the bank. I withdrew half our savings, picked up my bike and rode home. It didn't take me long to pack everything into boxes. We still had the moving boxes from our move down here.

It was hard, walking away from my soul mate: the one person I thought would always be there for me. By late afternoon, I had no more tears to shed. I had sniffled and sobbed my way through the packing. I took the boxes down to New Zealand post and shipped them to my parents' place.

I toyed with my phone as I sat in the lounge. I wanted to explain to Kurt. Tell him how disappointed in him I was. He couldn't even wait a week.

I jumped on the Yellow Terror and headed north. I was going home. Alle had won. She could have him.

When I told Mum we were splitting up she was heartbroken, but when she dug a little deeper, I couldn't hold back. She was shocked, and I knew her image of Kurt was tarnished. We cuddled for a couple of days. Kurt phoned and left hundreds of text messages. I was surprised when Mum told him over the phone, "Drop dead, you perverted little shit. Stay away from my daughter."

Dad was even more forthright. He didn't hold back. For a quiet calm man, Dad let him have it. Kurt's head must have been ringing after the ear bashing Dad gave him.

He didn't stop with Kurt, though. He also gave me a very stern lecture.

"Bligh, I think Kurt has behaved abysmally. It doesn't absolve you of wrong doing though. You cannot just walk away from your marriage. It's clear what he did was wrong, but you just walking away with no explanation... No discussion, that is equally wrong. I know you loved him, and if there is ever going to be a way back for that love, you have to tell him why you left."

He held me in his fatherly arms as I started to cry. "You know I'm right, sweetheart. You have to at least talk to him. Even if it's just to make you feel better."

The worst part was that he was right, and what's more... I knew it.

I waited till Mum and Dad were out and phoned him.

"Bligh, thank god."

"Hi, Kurt, now that I've had a few days to calm down. I think maybe we should talk."

He didn't give me a chance, he cut me off yelling, "What the fuck happened? You didn't talk to me. We fucking looked everywhere for you. I thought you'd had a bike accident. Nobody at the hospital knew where you were, you wouldn't answer your phone. Christ, you selfish bitch. I drove all over the district searching the side of the road, ditches, down banks. Jesus fucking Christ. I thought you were dead. Alle went one way, I went the other. When we couldn't find you, we sat by the phone all fucking night worrying and waiting."

"How did Alle find out?"

I heard him sucking in a big breath. "She was with me, we were together waiting for you to get home from work so we could talk about us."

"Talk about what exactly?"

"Jesus, don't be a bitch. You know what about. We wanted to talk about what we'd discussed. We gave you space, like you asked for. We were sick of waiting, you refused to talk to Alle or me. We were just waiting to talk to you."

"Ambush me more like. That's why I left, Kurt. You and her, you kept pushing. I told you I wasn't interested. What's worse is, you pushed me away. Replaced me with her."

"Bollocks, where the fuck did you get that fucking idea?"

"Replay in your head what you just said... You and Alle were waiting for me. You might not understand, but you've already started talking about you and Alle, as the centre. I'm the added extra. It wasn't you and me, it was you and Alle. I'm not living in a relationship where I'm the third wheel."

"Jesus, fucking Christ. I just meant we've talked about it. Her and I both feel the same way. We feel like it can work. We just wanted to talk, to have a proper conversation without all the yelling."

Exasperated, I barked angrily. "It's all lies Kurt. Don't you see, everything is bullshit. Alle only ever wanted you for herself. All this talk about the three of us... The only reason she imcluded me was to appease her conscience."

I could hear the frustration, his deep sad sigh said it all. "You're wrong, Alle, so very wrong. She's devastated."

"She's a great actor. That's what she is." I spat back at him.

"Bligh, please come home. We need to sit down together and talk this through."

"Who's we, Kurt?"

"Well, all of us. You, me, and Alle."

"No, not a chance in hell, when I think of us. She's not in that picture. Shit, you've already slept with her haven't you?" The phone went deathly quiet, I could feel his shame.

"Yes, but only because you weren't here. It only happened after your father told me you weren't coming back."

"Yeah right. Sorry if I don't believe you. I'll come back and we could talk, just you and me. If you make me a promise here and now. You will cut all ties with Alle. Not tomorrow, but tonight. I don't know if she's there, but you do it tonight. You promisee me. You'll never speak to her, never mention her name ever again. Then, and only then will I come back."

"Bligh, come on. There's something there between us all. She adores you."

"Not interested in her, Kurt. I don't care about her, I don't care about her lies. She is already dead to me. But you, I still love you, and I would try, but only if she becomes as dead to you, as she is to me."

He sighed deeply. "Yes, okay fine. Whatever you want. Just come home to us."

He almost had me until he added us... "Who's us, Kurt?"

"You and me." He replied after a long pause. "Please Bligh, I'm begging you. I never wanted you to fucking leave in the first place."

"Call me back after you've given her the bad news Kurt. Then we can talk about our future."

"Bligh, trust me, it's you I want. You are my wife. Just come back so we can talk properly. Alle asked at the hospital. They haven't filled your position. They said if you were interested, they'd hold it open for you."

"You call me back once you've told her, Kurt."

"No," he said defiantly. "I want you back here, but we all have to be part of the discussion. We have all got stuff invested in this. Then if after we've talked you still feel the same way, then I will tell her that it's not going to work."

"Are you going to keep sleeping with her until I get back? It will take me several days to get back."

The phone went deathly silent. I didn't have to hear any more. The silence said everything.

"Goodbye, Kurt. I hope you have a good life. I hope you enjoy her, because you've ripped my fucking heart out. You're now as dead to me as she is."

I disconnected the call, without giving him a chance to add to my misery. He clearly wanted her more than me. If that's what he wanted. He had it.

*****

I needed a job though. When I saw an advertisement for a physio in a rural hospital in Australia, I applied. The money was twice what I would make in New Zealand.

Two days later, I was on a plane headed for Aussie.

I met Mark on the plane. He was heading for a job in Brisbane. He was nice, and we chatted the whole way. I was staying over night in Brisbane before flying out to the tiny mining town in the middle of nowhere.

"Do you want to catch up for dinner somewhere after you've unpacked?" Mark asked.

"Yeah, that'd be nice." We exchanged numbers, and I thought about it. He was cute in a tradie sort of way. Buff, but gym buff. He had nice eyes and a nice smile. Exactly what I needed after the last month or so. If Kurt was fucking Alle, then he could have no complaints about what I got up to.

Dinner was nice, not a big fancy restaurant, but quaint, and the food was nice. Mark was easy to talk to, but I got the feeling his was a practised chatter.

He walked me back to my room, and what I had planned as a revenge fuck ended at my door. The kiss was pleasant without being anything special. My toes didn't curl, my panties stayed nice and fresh.

As he walked away, I sensed his unease. I felt sorry for him; I had led him on. Still, it wasn't like I promised him anything.

The flight out to the remote township was mind blowing. The land was so flat and featureless. The red dusty dirt spread as far as the eye could see, and there was no water, no rivers or lakes. What a dry horrid inhospitable place. I was starting to regret my six-month contract.

The little plane landed on a red dirt stretch beside a road in a cloud of dust. The town was small; the number of inhabitants could be counted in hundreds, not thousands.

A big burly hairy man met me as I waited in the open under a canvas roof for my bags. "How yah going?" he said in his Aussie accent. "I'm Bill, I own the hotel where you'll be staying."

We shook hands, and I replied, "I'm Bligh. Nice to meet you. God, it's so hot."

"Yeah, she's a bloody warm one today. We've had a few lately."

He loaded my bags on his trolley thing, and I walked beside him towards the main street. He didn't say much, the walk though, was hot. I felt perspiration collecting in places it usually didn't. It wasn't just the heat, it was the lack of moisture, the air was dry and dusty, and oh my god, the flies. They were everywhere. Bill's bright orange shirt was covered in a mass of black moving moisture seeking monsters.

The hotel, at least, was nice, the air con so refreshing. I walked straight to it, standing under the cooling flow of the wafting air.

Bill laughed. "Don't worry, love. You'll get used to the heat. Once we get a few days over forty, the flies all fuck off. It's too hot for them."

To hot for flies... How the heck were we supposed to survive?

He showed me to my room, which was again nice. Not posh or flashy, but comfortable. As Bill put my bags down beside the bed, I asked, "Where's the hospital?"

He pointed down the main street. "Other end of town, love."

As he walked out, he said, "Dinner starts about six thirty in the restaurant. All your foods covered, so don't be shy."

I stretched out on the bed. All the travelling had kept my mind active, and I really hadn't had a chance to grieve. Walking away from my marriage felt like death. Like I had lost the most precious thing in my whole life.

Kurt and I... When I thought about everything we went through, the memories were all good. The only bad ones were recent... I wondered if amputees felt like this, because that was an analogy I could understand. Kurt had been my rock, my bloodstone.

Rolling towards the middle of the bed, it felt expansive and empty. No hot body to snuggle, no late night kisses, no sharing the days highlights and lowlights. I was now alone. All because of that bitch...

I couldn't say her name, but her face was there, waiting for my fingernails to scratch out her beautiful blue/grey eyes. Yeah, beautiful, she was all of that. Her cute cherub face, the long flowing auburn hair. Why did she do it? Did she hate me that much, was I overreacting?

That was my crazy fear. I was overreacting, I did fancy her, I had always wondered, from the moment she told me she was bi. From the moment she started pointing out the nurses she'd slept with, I wondered what it would feel like.

Maybe that's what burned inside me. I should have at least tried; maybe it would have been amazing. If they had only given me time... Now I'd never know.

Standing naked in my room, I twirled, enjoying the cooling flow of air from the air con. I showered, a long soaking shower. I was going to get used to showers living here. Even the short time I had spent outside, the shower cubicle floor was covered in the red dirt.

Unpacked and casually dressed, I wandered down the stairs to the restaurant. The people were sparse, obviously not a hot tourist destination. I ordered a vodka lime and lemonade from the bar in a tall glass, with ice. There was only one empty table in the corner, so I hastily walked over and sat down.

The menu, shit, there wasn't a vegetarian option. Not that I was, but everything was meat. Beef, mutton... I was hungry, so when the waitress sauntered lazily over. I chose the steak and salad.

I noticed an elegant older woman walk in. Her floral cotton dress flowed as she walked up to the barman. He pointed to my table, and she strolled effortlessly to my table. "Bligh, hello. I'm Marjory. I run the practice." Her long slender arm extended, and we shook hands. "Do you mind if I sit?" she asked.

"Are you a doctor, Marjory?"

"Yes, paediatrics. I took over the practice about a year ago."

"Very English accent. How long have you lived out here?" I asked curiously.

"Twelve months. I moved here to take over the practice from my Uncle."

I appraised her as she sat opposite me. Tall and willowy, very fine features. Her light blonde hair tied back almost cruelly in a tight bun. It was her eyes, they sparkled, the blue tinge inviting.

"What brings you out here Bligh? Clearly it isn't the culture, or scenery."

I tittered at her remark. "Money, if I'm honest. I just split up with my husband, and I needed two things. Somewhere different. Somewhere he wasn't, and money. That was what attracted me to this position."

"Oh dear, I am so sorry, my dear. Marriages seem so fragile these days. They never last any more."

That was a telling cutting comment. For some reason it hurt. Did she think I walked away for no reason, that I didn't fight for what was mine?

"Well, maybe it's that there are more entertaining distractions available to wandering eyes these days."

She was quick, I'll give her that. "Oh bother, I am so sorry my dear. I was not trying to lay blame. It sounds like you harbour some resentment towards the split. Was there another woman?"

God, how did we get into this? "Yes, my husband decided he was in love with another woman."

She winced noticeably uneasy. "I am sorry my dear. The man must be a complete imbecile. You are so lovely."

Click, she opened the door and walked back into my good books. "What about you, Marjory, are you married?"

"Oh heavens no. I find the concept of marriage far to confining."

I giggled mischievously. "You sound just like Allegra."

"Who is that Bligh?"

"She was the woman my husband fell in love with."

"Dear oh dear. This is not going as I planned. I am not intentionally trying to reopen obviously still raw wounds."

"It's okay, Marjory. Lets talk about the job. Maybe that will get us moving."