A New Start Doesn't Fix Everything

Watching her and Kurt did bring back some of my suspicious insecurities and jealousies. I had to push them aside. I didn't want to live in fear. I never doubted Kurt's love.

If I had doubts, they were centred on Alle. She seemed to be trying too hard. Now that her statement about being attracted to me sexually was out; our conversations were overtly sexual in nature. There was flirting, which I now recognised as such.

It made me both nervous and excited at the same time. I, like many women, had curious thoughts about what it would be like. I had met a few girls at Uni who hit on me. I never followed up on any of them, but not because I wasn't interested. My reasons were fear and uncertainty.

The other side of that coin was her and Kurt. When they were together, she tried to maintain an air of disinterest. Again, I sensed a clumsiness, she was doing that for my sake.

Things were going well; we had managed to save a tasty little nest egg. Kurt was making as much or more than I was. He worked for it, though. It meant long hours and weekends. Seeing the balance in our bank account grow, it drove the discussion. What would we do? Our plan had been to buy a house and then start our family.

We had always planned to buy in Wellington, our home town. Our parents lived there, and we would have support for the kids.

As I was nearing the end of my first year, I got a letter asking if I wanted to sign up for another year, or six months. Or, if I was interested, a permanent position was available.

"Wow." Kurt gushed when I showed it to him. "Babe, I reckon you should take the permanent appointment. I mean, we love the place, houses are cheap here. Much cheaper than Wellington. We have made awesome friends."

"Yeah, but we always said we wanted the folks around for the children. I don't want to wait forever to start our family."

"Babe, think about it. Our support network will be friends rather than family. Our folks can visit. We can visit them; it's not that far away. We can't live our lives because of our parents."

It made sense, but there was something gnawing away at me. I liked Kaikoura, but did I want to live here permanently? If it was right, why did I have all these doubts?

When Kurt started driving tankers part time, it only made it worse. Sometimes he was gone over night. On those nights, Alle came over and we had a bit of a girls night in. It always included wine, music and dancing.

One night, she selected some music on her phone and pulled me into her arms. "Slow dancing... Really?" I spluttered nervously.

"Babe, I have wanted you in my arms since we met." She sighed, her boobaliciousness crushed against my tiny titties felt so weird.

"Alle, this isn't right. Please, you're making me uncomfortable."

"Shush, we're just dancing, right?" The feel of her body moving against mine raised emotions and sensations I had never felt before.

When her arms draped over my shoulders, her head rested on my neck, her hot breath wafting like a hot moist desert wind across my goose-bumpy skin. I became increasingly uncomfortable. "Alle, I can't do this. I'm married."

"Hey, we're just dancing." She lifted my arms up over her shoulders and wriggled to get closer as we swayed to the music. Our feet weren't moving, just our bodies caressing each other.

She shocked me even more when she whispered in my ear. "Bligh, I love you. I don't mean like a sibling, I mean I really love you. I felt it from the first time we met. I've suppressed it because I was so scared about frightening you off. It's getting harder, though."

"Alle, I'm not cheating on Kurt."

"Bligh, somehow, I don't think he'd mind. This might be his biggest fantasy right here."

I went to say something, but her full juicy lips grazed over mine, wet and succulent. Tingles rapidly darted through my body like little shock waves.

When her mouth opened and her tongue slithered seductively into mine. I didn't fight, I welcomed it. God, my head spun with mixed swirling feelings of desire, but then guilt.

The guilt won, and I pushed her away. "Alle, I can't. It's not that I don't feel it, but I can't do thism I'm not a cheater."

"Bligh, it doesn't have to be like that... cheating."

"What..."

"If Kurt knew what was happening here right now, I don't think he'd be angry. I think it would be a whole different emotion."

"Why do you say that?" I gasped in dismay. He had never said anything to me.

"Because we talked about it."

"What do you mean you talked about it?" I gasped in shock, unable to hide my horror.

"I asked him, okay? I admit I was drunk, and so was he, but I asked what he would think if something happened between you and me. He sure wasn't upset, let me tell you. He said it was a bit of a fantasy of his."

Irritated that this was all news to me, I muttered, "When the hell did you have that discussion?"

"At Alister's party a few weeks ago."

"You just came out with that?"

"No." Alle sighed. "It was a more circuitous route, I guess we were flirting. You know I like Kurt, right, and we get on great. It sort of popped into the conversation. I asked him if he had any fantasies."

"Shit, Alle, that's not right, you shouldn't be saying shit like that to my husband."

"Bligh, I like you, I would love to be with you. I know this comes as a bit of a shock, but I want you."

"No, I think you better go, Alle. I'm not doing this."

She slipped back into my arms before I could resist, her hands caressing my face, her lips closing over mine. "Don't let this get weird, Bligh. I wouldn't have said or done anything, but recently, I sensed a change in you, like real interest from you. This could be special."

"No, this isn't happening, Alle. Jesus, I've not encouraged you."

"Yes you have, like, shit girl. We've been flirting like crazy lately, and you tease me back."

"You've got the wrong end of the stick, Alle. You have to leave, and I mean now. I'm not doing this."

After she left, I flopped back in the chair, my heart beating frenetically. What the heck just happened? That kiss, the feel of her body. God, my body was still covered in goose bumps, my nipples jutted out, rubbing on my cotton top. It was worse: I felt moist, sticky, my clit caressed by my labia as I squeezed my thighs.

Sleep seemed difficult in an empty bed. So many emotions, so many thoughts.

There was no escaping the awkwardness between us now. Alle burst into my office just before twelve the next day. "Lunch, come on girl."

I didn't know what to say as we sat in the cafeteria. Alle, though, wasn't going to let things lay. "Bligh, we're mates, and I like you a lot. If you didn't feel what I was feeling last night, then it's sweet as, okay? I'm sorry if it upset you. I shouldn't have jumped on you like that, but I had to try."

"It's okay Alle. I feel weird now. Knowing you feel that way, how do we remain friends? I don't want a relationship."

"It's okay, Bligh. We can put it in the past. At least I know. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, I was hoping you felt the way I did."

"Heck, Alle. I've never done anything to lead you on. If I have, it was not on purpose, and I apologise."

"Nah, it was all me, girl. Guess I misread your signals. Please don't let this get weird, okay? I don't want to lose you."

It was clumsy and awkward. I didn't know what to say. She, on the other hand, carried on like nothing happened, bubbly and gossiping.

That night, it was nice having Kurt home. He looked a little tense, and I wondered if Alle had spoken to him. I brooded a little over dinner, he slowly came out of his shell and talked about his trip.

"Why did you tell Alle you had fantasy's about seeing two women together?" I blurted out, unable to hold it any longer.

He grimaced uncomfortably. "It came up at Alister's. We were pretty toasted. We were fooling around. I don't know how we ended up talking about it. You know what she's like, she's got no boundaries."

"If you felt that way, how come you never mentioned it to me?"

"Ah, come on, babe. It was just messing around."

"Did you say something about her and me... Is that something you think about?"

He pushed his plate away even though it was less than half eaten. "Okay, I may have said something like that. It's just she always manages to get me to talk you, know. She can be quite sexual, and knowing she's Bi, and you guys are so close..."

I started picking at my food, and he went to the fridge to get himself a beer. When he got back, he said. "I'm sorry, I should have said something. I was embarrassed, all right? Christ, I haven't had that fantasy since I was eighteen. Lately though, seeing the two of you together, laughing and dancing. You're so fucking hot. It brought some images to life."

Nothing was said for a while, but then he spluttered. "Just so you know, if something did happen between you guys, I wouldn't be mad, okay?"

"What, why the hell did you say that? I would never cheat on you."

"It wouldn't be cheating, Bligh. I'm saying, if you wanted to experiment, I'm good with it."

"I know why you're good with it arsehole," I spat at him angrily. "This isn't about me and her. It's about you and her. I can see through your flimsy plan. You just want to fuck her yourself. I'm not an idiot, Kurt."

He threw his head back, sighed and rolled his eyes. "Come on, Bligh..."

I grabbed the plates and stormed into the kitchen to finish the cleaning up.

It spoiled our night, and rather than make love, we hugged the outer extremities of the bed, a huge cold void stretching between us.

Alle tried to keep things happy between us, and I wanted to let her. In so many ways, our lives were interlocked. Work, friends, it was impossible to separate. Things did go back to a semi-natural level. Although, now I didn't let her into the changing room when I was trying on something new. When she tried to flirt, I shut it down and changed topic.

I did note that at parties and events, she and Kurt did spend a lot more time flirting and chatting. I caught them so many times in intimate little moments, it brought back some of my insecurities.

Another missing element, was the rides. Kurt worked so many hours we didn't get to go on rides together anymore. When I mentioned it one day, he replied, semi-jokingly, "Sorry babe, but work... Maybe you should get your own bike?"

That thought wouldn't go away; he may have been joking, but for me it ignited something inside me. It kept reappearing, and with each new appearance, the urge got stronger. When I saw a bright yellow SV 650 Suzuki for sale on the noticeboard at the hospital, I couldn't wipe the smile away.

It was my favourite colour. It was learner approved, so I could get my license on it, and it would be big enough to ride around. The price though... six grand...

Lately with all the talk of taking a permanent job, and living in Kaikoura... We had been saving hard to buy a house. I thought about it for two weeks, but when I bumped into Craig, the guy who owned the bike, he agreed to bring it to work so I could see it in the flesh.

The moment I saw it, I loved it. The seat height was low enough, it was beautiful. Sitting astride it, I felt so alive. My own bike.

I should have got Kurt to check it out for me, but I wanted it to be a surprise.

Craig delivered it to our home, and I parked it in pride of place in the driveway. Kurt couldn't miss it.

I heard him arrive home from work. I peeked out of the kitchen widow, as he walked around it. His hands ran over the beaming paintwork. He knelt down and checked it out closely. Checked the chain, the tyres.

"Well, what do you think?" I asked happily as I walked up behind him.

"How many Ks on it?"

"Twenty five thousand," I replied.

"How much?"

"Six."

He nodded. "Well, she looks great. Have you ridden it?"

I laughed. "I can't ride, how the heck was I going to do that?"

"Yeah well, if you'd told me about it, I could have helped." He looked pissed off.

"I'm sorry, I wanted it to be a surprise."

"Yeah well, you managed that all right." He stood up shaking his head. "I don't know, Bligh. You picked a strange moment to buy it. I found a house we could look at buying. I was hoping to take you to see it on Saturday."

"Kurt, I thought we were still talking about it. Buying a house is a permanent move."

"Yeah, I know. It makes sense though, Bligh. You know what I mean. We have great friends, awesome jobs. Your career is going well. We could get moving on our plan."

"Our plan was Wellington. We were only coming here for twelve months."

"Yeah, but we love it."

"No, you love it. I like it... There's a difference."

"Climb on the bike," he snapped. As I sat on it, he went over where all the controls were, what they did. I knew most of it anyway, but he talked about how to brake before corners, how to let the bike tell you how far to lean. Only to use the front brake for braking, and to do the braking before the corner, never in the corner. Then he said. "Go and get your gear on. We better go for a ride."

He was already in his riding gear when I emerged. We fired up the bikes, and I followed him out the gate. He took back roads, stayed away from heavy traffic areas. I simply did what he did. Braked when I saw his brake light come on. Listened to his exhaust noise when he accelerated.

I stuck to him like a limpet. At home, he parked in the shed. "You chose a good bike, Bligh. It seems to go well, but we'll have to change a few things before you take it in to get your license."

"Like what?"

"Exhausts, for one thing. Do you know if the bloke kept the original ones?"

"Yes, he has got all the original stuff at his place."

So that was it, I had my bike, but we were trapped in a battle of what to do. Kurt was so in love with staying there, and I was not so keen. If I was honest, mist of my issues surrounded Alle.

Alle was horrified when she saw the bike. I rode it to work every day. I loved it, and needed to ride it as much as possible before my test.

"You fucking idiot," Alle snapped at me. "Christ, I worked A&E for five years. Do you know how many bike accidents I saw over that time? Bloody hundreds."

"I know the risks, Alle."

She pulled me into an embrace so tight. "I'm scared for you. What if you got hurt?"

I got my license, and we had a little celebratory party at home. All our friends thought it was awesome, and I got lots of encouragement.

The night took a dark turn when I walked outside late in the evening. Most of the guests had left, there were only a few stragglers. It was such a clear night, all I wanted was some fresh air. As I walked around the side of the house, I found Alle, and Kurt. They were locked together in a passionate embrace, their mouths glued together, their tongues sliding around their open mouths.

Kurt's hands clutching frantically at Alle's arse cheeks as he pushed her up against the side of the house, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck. She had to stand on tippy-toe to return his passion.

Horrified, I stumbled back around the side of the house, my mind filled with a million wild thoughts. Were they having sex? Were they in love? Was he leaving me?

I walked back inside. Marylyn spotted me staggering around, my mind exploding.

"Are you all right, love?" she asked.

"Yes, I'm fine." Unconvinced, she sat me at the breakfast bar as she made me a cuppa. "This'll do the trick, love. Settle you right down."

The last of the guests disappeared before Alle, and Kurt strolled in separately. She saw me drinking tea, and laughed. "What the fuck. Are you all right?" She put her glass of wine down and wrapped me in her arms. She kissed my cheek. "Shit ducks, you're as cold as ice." Those lips had only minutes before been kissing my husband.

"I'll be fine, just leave me alone." I snarled acidly as I pushed her arms off me.

She backed away, clearly surprised by my hostility. Kurt turned up from seeing his mates off. "What's the problem, babe? Drink too much?"

"No, I'm simply not feeling well. I might have caught a flu, or something," I muttered angrily.

"You go off to bed," Alle stated firmly. "Leave the tidying up. I'll do it."

"No thanks. You should probably get home. I can do this," I spat back with irritation.

She stared at me perplexed. "I'm not leaving you all this. I'll help." She turned to Kurt. "You get all the empties out. I'll get all the plates." Turning to me, she said, "You sit there and chill. If you want coffee, or tea, yell out."

Before I really had a chance to complain, they were busily in motion, working like a well oiled machine. They joked, flirted and laughed loudly as they went about their little jobs.

I watched Kurt closely, and his eyes hardly ever moved from Alle. Wherever she went, his eyes followed. It started to sink in, there was that look in his eyes, and it was more than admiration.

Alle, as well. She was sneakier; she checked on me, before feasting her furtive stares on Kurt, but it was still apparent. There was an attraction, a connection that ran deeper than friendship.

The kiss, it was no worse I suppose than the one she and I shared, but Kurt wasn't pushing her away, the way his fingers dug into her arse cheeks, he wasn't letting go.

I had another glass of wine as I tried to decide on what to do. If I confronted them, we were going to have a huge fight. I decided on nothing, I would just watch... Learn...

With the cleaning up finished, Kurt said, "I think Alle should stay the night. It wouldn't be fair on her to drive home."

He wasn't asking a question; it was a statement.

In bed, he asked again if I was all right. I brushed him aside without making a thing out of it. When he tried to instigate lovemaking, I pushed him away. No way was I having sex with him while he was thinking of her.

While we were having breakfast, Kurt raised the topic of buying a house again. When he said he'd found the perfect one, and gave me the address, Alle snapped. "No fucking way. You can't have it. That house is going to be mine."

"You better move fast then," Kurt replied with a chuckle. "If Bligh likes it, I wanna put an offer in."

"The fuck you will." Alle, spat back at him. It was playful, but firm.

"Well, if you want it so bad, why haven't you brought it?"Kurt asked.

"I have the deposit, I just can't afford to service the loan."

"It's the other way for us," Kurt said. The mortgage would be less than what we pay in rent. We don't quite have enough for the deposit." He glanced at me. "Aye babe?"

Alle glanced at me as well. "Have you seen the house?"

I shook my head. I had tried to stay away from looking at places. I was scared I might find something and fall in love with it.

"Well, we should go for a look. I know it's empty," Alle announced.

"Yeah, choice idea," Kurt said. C'mon, Bligh, put some clothes on. Let's go for a drive."

"We have a lot to do today, Kurt."

"It can wait for half a bloody hour while we go and have a look, can't it?"

I shrugged, but was pushed by Alle. "C'mon. Don't be a stick in the mud. You're gonna love it. I promise."

"I thought you didn't want us to buy it," I replied sulkily.

"I don't, but I want you to see my new home." She stared at me, her eyes giving nothing away, but she picked up on my coldness.

We piled in the car and drove a little bit out of town. Kurt pulled into the driveway of this huge old house. It was a character villa. It looked like it came off one of those housing magazine covers. It sure was beautiful.

I could see the excitement in both their eyes as we wandered around the outside. It was a bit dilapidated, and certainly needed a lot of repairs. Peering in the windows, it obviously needed a new kitchen, bathroom. God knew what else.

Alle bounced into my arms, making me stumble. "Whatya reckon? Sweet, or what?"