A Ph.D. in Chemistry Ch. 04

Note from the writer: I just want to say thank you so much to everyone that has been leaving me some very useful feedback. This is my first time really writing anything and I really appreciate it. I am glad that some of you are able to get past my lack of editing ability and are still enjoying the story. Hope you enjoy this section.

I woke up later that evening alone, wrapped in my throw blanket on my couch. Feeling that post nap grogginess I look around surveying my surroundings. After a moment of waking up I realize something is missing, Henry is missing. Did he leave? I get up and walk around my small apartment checking if maybe he was just in the washroom. He wasn't.

My heart breaks at that moment. A feeling of shame overcomes me. My eyes fill with tears. As if sensing my oncoming emotional breakdown. Noble heads towards me and nudges his head against my leg purring. I go and find my phone to check if he messaged me. Maybe there was a reason for him leaving? Maybe his apartment was on fire? I check my phone, no new notifications. A feeling that feels like straight bile in my throat starts to grow stronger and stronger. He used me. He's ashamed of me. I thought what we just did only hours earlier might have been the start of something. It had felt so goddamn intimate. But maybe it was all in my head? Maybe he just needed somebody warm and I had so willingly given that to him. The tears are now running down my face. I am in full-on ugly crying. I message Sofia.

Matilda: Hey, are you free right now?

Sofia: I can be, what's up?

Matilda: can you come over?

Sofia: Ordering an UBER be there in 30, should I bring wine?

Matilda: PLEASE! Love you.

I migrate to the bedroom and toss my phone on my bed. I suddenly feel dirty. All I can smell is him, a scent that I used to love, a scent of peppermint and pine. Suddenly this scent had become nauseating and I needed it off me right now. I hop in the shower and wash away any remnants of him. I scrub and scrub until there is nothing left until I am only left with a memory. I suppose I deserve this for letting my sexual desires come before my logic. I mean I knew this was wrong. I knew that letting him in and into my head wasn't a good idea.

My buzzer goes off letting me know that Sofia is here. I quickly throw on a pair of sweatpants and an old ratty t-shirt and let her in. "you've looked better, what's up?" she asks while giving me a once over.

We are standing at the island in my kitchen and I am trying not to fall apart in front of her. I tell her everything that had happened in the last 8 hours. "I don't know why he left. Did I do something wrong?" I ask her, trying to make sense of all of this.

She frowns "I don't get it. This doesn't make sense." She tells me, "he was 100% into you. Why would he just do that?" She asks.

I sigh my shattered ego and shame pulsing through my body.

"You are worth so much more than another fuck boy, don't let him get into your head. You are stronger than that and you know it." She confidently reassures me.

I'm unconvinced but we drop the subject. We spend the rest of the evening eating a pizza that we ordered and drink the bottle of wine that she brought over. She makes me feel better on the surface, but I still have a deep pit in my stomach that sends small waves of dread over me. My self-confidence and self-worth have been wounded by this man.

I decided then and there that I vow to never let Henry get close to me. We will be colleagues in the most professional sense. No more peaks into his office. No more coffee runs together. I was going to focus. I was going to pour myself into my research and come out the other side the victor. It would be me who gets the permeant position not Mr. California fuckboy.

After Sofia leaves, I wound up opening my laptop. I bring up SciFinder and start doing some research. If I was going to beat him, I was going to need to focus and come up with something new and fresh. I spend the rest of the night researching and planning ideas for reactions to test.

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After a slow coffee filled Monday morning and a very long 3-hour teaching slot I finally settle into my office chair. I silently thank the gods that I haven't run into him yet. I try to avoid looking into his office, but I can't help myself. I'm like an addict looking for my next fix even though I know it will hurt me.

I peak over and notice he isn't there. I feel waves of both relief and frustration settle over me. I mean at the bare minimum I deserve an explanation instead of the total radio silence he was giving me. I remind myself of my commitment to focus and settle in for a long day of work.

After what had been a very mentally and emotionally draining day, I settle in at home trying to distract myself from my mental anguish. After not seeing him at all today and the total lack of messages from him my head was swimming with confusion. I had to stop thinking about him, thinking about us together on the very couch I was now seated on. I peak at my phone like I had been doing about every 10 minutes all day. Still nothing. Am I really that repulsive that this man would rather pretend that the best fucking sex I ever had never existed? As though sleeping with me had been a momentary blip, a mistake. The hatred I once thought I felt for him was bubbling in me.

I decide to do something that I never do. Changing into my gym clothing that I rarely have time to use. Slipping on a more than 10-year-old pair of running shoes. I decide to go for a run.

I've been told that running can help with mental frustrations and boy was I feeling that now. I needed to work this out and I couldn't stand to spend a second longer thinking in the space where we had amazing sex. The place where I woke up alone and without a reason.

I grab my headphones on the way out the door, giving Noble a quick pat on the head. And I run. I run along the water, taking in the scenery from the city that I wasn't used to seeing. I nod as I pass fellow joggers. Even though I'm slow and my lungs hurt like hell I feel free. I focus on my body, on my breathing, on the burning in my lungs. The burning in my thighs and the rub of my much too old shoes on my feet. I don't have room to think about anything else and it feels amazing.

I get back to my apartment after grabbing a wrap on my walk back from my run. It was a pleasant if not slightly too warm September evening outside and I needed a nice shower.

I get to my bathroom. While I'm undressing, I start looking at myself in the mirror. Trying to see what he saw. Trying to discover what made him run. I may not be the most comfortable in my own skin, but I certainly didn't hate what I saw reflected at me. Yes, I had curves, yes, my thighs touched and maybe my stomach was more round then flat. But I am not ashamed of myself.

I run my hands down my body taking in the feeling of my soft skin. I touch my breasts feeling my erect nipples rubbing against the palms of my hands. I move my hands lower feeling the slight rolls of my stomach. Lower. Feeling the soft hair nestled above the spot between my legs. Lower. Between my legs feeling my most treasured spot. The spot that I let take over my mind when Henry was here. The spot that no matter how much I hated what had happened had been right about my feelings for him.

All summer I had this brewing hatred towards him because it always felt like he had everything handed to him. His research was going well. He published a paper in JACS (a very high impact scientific journal). And Frank loved him.

I know hatred was extreme and I realize now that I was just jealous of him. I realize now that maybe the feelings I was developing for him weren't anywhere near hatred. Peaking over at him every day. Watching him work. Glowing in the bright light of his smiles when he looked over at me. All summer I had denied myself of the facts. I had altered the data and extrapolated in the completely wrong direction about my feelings for him. But now everything had been blown up. Henry was an experiment that I had fucked up and it was going to leave me with burns.

The next morning, I awoke bright and early. After my long Monday of paper reading and thinking about reaction setup. I have finally determined what I wanted to investigate. I'd be lying if I said it was not a welcomed distraction.

I worked straight until lunchtime until the hunger monster of my stomach was grumbling so loudly that the graduate students near my fume hood started to throw me glances. I decide to take a short but earned break.

Settling in I chance a quick glance into his office. He isn't there. I'm not sure whether to be relieved or not to be honest. The silence and lack of explanation were so incredibly confusing and even though this whole situation hurt me I can't help but want to solve this mystery and move on.

After a much-needed lunch of leftover mac and cheese, I once again settle into the bench at the fume hood. I take a quick glance towards Henry's fume hood and yet again he isn't there. It is one thing to disappear on me but to disappear on work seems completely out of character for him. I continue on with my work.

At the end of the day, I head for a new Yoga class with Sofia. Sofia has dressed in the most simplistic yoga outfit but somehow has managed to look like she is ready to grace the cover of a woman's health magazine. In comparison, I look like a sausage squeezed into a tube with a few too many rolls peaking through the Lycra fabric of my high waisted pants.

"Did you see Henry today? If so, did you ask him about what the fuck happened?" Sofia blurts out while positioned in a downward dog pose. Two Karen looking women shoot her a snarky glance. She ignores them.

"Uh, no he wasn't there. It seemed odd to me. He isn't one to take sick days, but I guess he just wasn't ready to face me" I answer honestly. Maybe that was it. Maybe he was feeling ashamed of what he did. Honestly, if that was the case, I was happy. But I also don't want him to screw up his research just because we had a one-night stand together. I'm not that petty.

After yoga, Sofia and I decided to head our separate ways for the evening. Not before she convinced me to go for dinner with Lucas and his 'very hot friend' as she explained it. I'm not really one for setups and Sofia certainly did not have the best track record for that. Thinking about all the brainless frat boys she tried to set me up with during our undergraduate days. But I do want to meet Lucas so it will be a necessary evil and maybe it'll get me out of my Henry trance, even just for an evening.