All Comments on 'A Secret Even to Myself Ch. 09'

I hope you will enjoy my surprise. Thank you for reading my stories. I am packing for vacation and I just wanted to say one last hello/goodbye. What would you like see happen in the world of Mahin and Tobias?

Cheers,

Talyis

hey Talyis

Mahin's erotic fantasy dream of Tobias taking her was a knock out punch!! ;)

for sometime,i wondered if it was real or what!! ;)

but in reality Mahin and Tobias are yet to break the ice betwwen them!!....what a tease of you....not melting the ice yet!! ;) Mahin's embarrasedly reading of an explicit erotic piece from the journal,in front of Tobias at his order was kinda hilarious!! ;)

will wait with baited breath to know what lit surprise you will come up with after your two week vacation!!:)

going where the sun shines brightly?going where the sea is so blue?:))

wish you super vacationing!! :))

Your prose is solid and the early few paragraphs in this chapter do a really good job of characterising Mahin. However you fall into all the same issues that have plagued this story from early on, the physical harm inflicted by Tobias last chapter is swept under the rug and he doesn't apologise, this makes him even worse. He watches her sleep, he reads her journal and his friend is totally cool with all of this and (as it hasn't been brought up) assumedly for Tobias to remain the dungeon master at their bdsm group whilst knowing all of this.

Mahin continues to be kept in conditions worse than prison, watched in her sleep and on the toilet by a pervy old man whilst having no socialisation, no entertainment only being his personal maid and all of this is A JOINT PUNISHMENT given to both of them, this either needs rewriting in the first chapter or it needs addressing why he gets given a skivvy for free as a court ordered punishment.

Add in that in his jealousy he tries to discount Mahins relation with her boyfriend and unseat what little confidence she has in the matter for what seems solely to cause her pain and harm, well it just makes him come off as even more abusive, more abusive than the physically abusive man he was shown to be in the previous chapter. That she would have dreams of him that are even slightly positive is laughable.

For this story to work on a narative level Tobias would need a massive change of character and to make amends for his previous treatment of Mahin. He just gets worse every chapter.

3/5 stars

What kind of dom is Tobias? I promise there is a reason for his character. I will tell you this: he is flawed and he knows it.

It's coming. It's coming.

~Talyis

Thanks to replying to me I want to again preface what I've said with the point that I actually enjoy your writing style and that I think Mahin is becoming a very complex and interesting character. I'd also like to acknowledge that you've said that your writing by ear and that this is a messy draft for which I think you've done a remarkable job.

That said my major issues are entirely with Tobias and how he interacts with the world, many of the issues that could be edited out in post but whilst they remain stand out as major plot holes;

1/ Accoarding to the first chapter Mahin and Tobias have both committed crimes and have been sentenced to their current situation. If that really was the case then there would be more oversight on Tobias inparticular, you also in the first chapter make particular note that Tobias has been brought to court over something anger related which doesn't bode well for someone who's put under his charge. ~ tldr , edit out his culpability in ch.1 or give more oversight in later chapters.

2/ Tobias treats Mahin worse than she would be treated in a prison, especially a low security prison which a rich actress with no priors on a drunk driving charge would be sent to. His invasions of privacy are bad enough that if he was a prison warden he'd already be fired, add in to that, that Mahin has to work long hours of physical activity with no recreation or socialisation and it really does seem like literally anyone would choose the significantly smaller custodial sentence to this. ~ tldr , Mahin needs some form of entertainment in earlier chapters, even if it's just being aloud to read books from his library it would help a lot as at this point Mahin would likely be having a psychotic breakdown.

3/ The way that other people react. After being told that some random man who was assigned to look after a high profile parole has been perving on her and making her work long hours in isolation as a maid the parole officer just shrugs? Upon seeing Mahin cut to ribbons from the broken glass whilst wearing a dunces cap the officer blames Mahin? His friend upon seeing this mildy rebukes him (but will still let him DM)? These aren't normal reactions to what happened. ~ tldr , don't have the parole officer at the scene in ch. 8 and make people harder on Tobias for his actions, even if he reacts the same way it'd make more sense.

Thanks again for spending the time on listening to anon, I really do like your writing and I do only mean these statements as constructive criticism as I do very much enjoy your writing. I also do apologise if I've come off as harsh or rude previously in comments. My issue stems from the frustration of seeing what seems to be very close to a great story fall into a number of pitfalls many of them centered around one character.

Good luck and have a good Holiday :)