tagBDSMA Secret Even to Myself Ch. 11

A Secret Even to Myself Ch. 11


DISCLAIMER: This novel will be MESSY. STILL

This is purely an experiment to get writing. I do not know where this story will evolve. It is something of a break from the massive series which I am also working on... but more of a forgivable weekly sprint to see where a story will take me.

My goal is to publish every week. It's my challenge.

This is not really a novel, although I do have a plot with an end, I am approaching it more like a serial.

This is a pure rough draft. I do not have an editor. My goal is to publish an episode at least once a week. Think of it as a live studio soap opera.

This novel will be MESSY and thank you for joining me on this scary journey.

Happy Reading




(C) 2017, Talyis Ellison


Tobias was still reeling with embarrassment by his kiss yesterday. His lips were still etched with the sensation of Mahin's lips returning his kiss sweetly. His bottom lip felt like it had a phantom nerve vibrating at all times, as if she was now a part of him yet cut off.

He had apologized and they both smoothed their clothes out. Thankfully, Mahin reduced the tension by mentioning scripts and feeling or something else.

It was all fuzzy to him.

She eventually whispered something about wanting to read a book in the library and asking permission. His head nodded but more like a marionettes without making a conscience decision to object or agree. She scrambled from the sofa. He didn't remember her sitting next to him. He had somehow he had pulled her into the seat next to him. When a bit of the fog cleared he saw her skirt billowing behind her as she dashed upstairs - escaping.

He had to find clarity and fast. He was responsible for this girl's rehabilitation. He had to make sure he completed the job well and that she wouldn't take anyone else's life for granted. Right now, he just couldn't see Mahin even harming a fly.


Every day that week, Mahin finished her chores again before noon and he assumed she took liberty reading in his library again. Maybe she was avoiding more awkward situations.

Finally it was sunny outside after days of rain. He felt cabin fever being trapped in his house all week. Perhaps today he'll even take the boat out into the ocean while Mahin's probation worker was with her. A trip into the ocean was what he needed to set himself right.

Tobias slipped into his sailing clothing and slid down the stairs to get started on preparing his boat. He felt energized just as more of the warm ocean breeze hit his nose. Freedom was across crossed the living room outside his patio but stopped in his tracks mid-journey.

Scripts strewn all over the floor and coffee table. Mahin was laying on her stomach on the sofa, her feet crossed in the air, teetering up and down.

"This one," she popped onto her knees and then held a script outstretched to him.

"What made you think you could go through my scripts?" All the positive energy he had drained out of him and refilled with anger. What a mess!

"This one," Mahin smiled cheerfully.

Tobias took the script from her and read the title. It was the script he was suffering through the day before.

He opened his mouth to say something, but Mahin shushed him and opened the script to the middle of the script.

"Here. You can see into both of their eyes. It's beautiful while brutal."

"Mahin, I read this yesterday. I..."

"Here," She plopped down on the sofa and pat the empty seat beside her.

"I'll read the female character. She is a tempest."

"Mahin, this is a period piece."

"Perfect for photography. You'll imagine it later. Photography is not going to do anything for you, if you cannot understand the souls in the lens."

Tobias felt his ear burn because he wanted to debate her but knew it was better to pick his battles. Anyways, he had said as much, just not in a way she put it, which seemed more like an insult to his craft and elevated actors above it.

"Fine," Tobias relented and sat next to her. She took the script from him.

"Relax," Mahin slightly scolded him.

She hopped on the sofa cushion around to face him yet he sat straight on not looking at her. She paged through the manuscript for a scene and then once she found it, folded the script in her hand. Tobias only looked away shaking his head. Her eyebrow arched as nodded towards him to start with the first line.

"Really?" Tobias scoffed. "You're going to read this?" He rolled his eyes and took the script from her. "You think you can handle this?" he laughed.

"There, he stands!" She read the character's line skipping his first line.

"Really, Mahin?" Tobias folded his arms still holding the script for his eyes. "This is not an audition. Am I clear?"

" Yes. Read it," she insisted without a care. Her knees padding the sofa like a cat ready to pounce.

"Your Majesty," Tobias delivered the first line in a monotone voice without enthusiasm.

"There, he stands," Mahin responded in full character. She milked the two-word line.

Tobias rolled his eyes, "You called for me?"

"I did?" Mahin looked around the room, 'chewing his curtains'. "My thoughts and words betray my actions."

"Yes, you called for me, Your Majesty,"

"I see," Mahin sighed and then took Tobias in. "Your eyes are brilliant as stars," She came off the sofa and knelt at his knees. It startled him to see an action so familiar yet so foreign. "Brilliant as the first day I was brought to this land."

"Madam, are you faint?"

Mahin laughed with unease. "Faint and delirious. My wicked thoughts and treacherous heart will be my end. I'm always captive in this land. Conquered as a spoil of war and now I'm trapped by the will of my heart. When the ships came to the shores and I saw this land and it's Master, I became faint."

"Shall I get someone?"

Mahin scurried back against the couch. Her face contorted in anguish. "Dare not touch me. Your hand, it hoovers over me and in kindness you wish to help a wretched soul."

"Your Majesty, I don't understand?"

"Your Majesty. Your Majesty." She grew bolder in a mocking voice. "I am a slave with a jester's clothing."

"You are a beautiful queen. And you've maintained your youth."

"You mock me with your fine words, Prince."

"It's true. You were not more than a few moons older than me. My father took a Prince's princess as his wife. I know it must have been harsh."

"Harsh?" she whispered and than giggled in a small manic way. "I was harsh to you, My Lord. Sent you away. Now, you are kind to me."

"A jealous queen with babes on the way. You were fair."

Mahin didn't continue on and it startled Tobias. He looked her way and she tenderly reached a hand towards his chin. Her eyes showed a myriad of feelings as she tentatively caressed his cheek. Her hand trembling. He couldn't help but steady it with his own. Tears fell from her eyes.

"I now know there are no limits to my treason," she trembling whispered. It was so honest it struck his soul.

Mahin slid to her knees and placed her head in his lap, but her hand never left his check. She got as lowly as possible. Tobias never felt so vulnerable and confused. He read the script but this was something else. He didn't know if he should say the next line.

Slowly and ever so reverently, she lifted her head and moved closer until he was eye to eye again. She shuttered but something wild was in her eyes. Her other hand curled through his hair as she held him in her hands. Mahin pushed him to the couch and tenderly caressed his face as she lay over him.

"Your majesty?"

She captured his attention with her eyes and then kissed him hard. She kissed him as if her soul was dying and he kissed back. The kiss set fireworks off in his mind. He couldn't tell if she was acting or if it were real. Was it the story of a forbidden love or his own fight against falling in love with this forbidden girl. His heart was chasing his mind in a heated race. Should he chase after Mahin, someone who represented everything he opposed.

"My lips touch yours and they want to conspire again," Mahin whispered in between their lips yet never letting them break, "Lift your sword Prince and rid the world of a plague."

"What do you mean? You've mistaken me for my father?"

"How could I mistake you for the elderly warrior who rapes my dreams from the sweet Prince that urges my soul. My heart it leaps out of my chest for you, Prince. From the moment I first saw you; I have loved you. Strike!"

"Your tears wet my face."

"Prince, tears are but light offenses. They are but windows to a soul that leads to treason and a heart that conspires." Mahin squeezed her heart so hard her voice choked. "See, it lifts." Mahin to a deep breath. My heart lifts to meet your sword. Strike! Now!" Mahin screamed with a guttural violence with a tempest of emotion fear, pain and anger but above all love.

Tobias pulled Mahin to him again and then kissed her deeply. It was off script. It may have been in the script. The first kiss was not in the script. He didn't care about the script anymore. He was tongue pressed through to conquer her. She was on top of him but he was now in control.

Tobias held her at the nap of her neck, combing through her short tresses. Instincts were his friend, he pressed Mahin closer to him in a bear hug. She was so warm and soft. He missed a woman's softness but Mahin was pliant in his arms, her mouth sweet. His hands slipped up her smooth back beneath her t-shirt. A simple squeeze of her back muscles made her further relax into his kiss. Lust was a burning stove that was blazing. He wanted more of this nymph.

He couldn't take his eyes off of her. Fearful reservation, abandon, and gladness swirled like a tempest. She giggle nervously with each kiss and then more tears if relief made her face brilliant like a star but her body shook with nervousness like she'd been touched for the first time.

He had to have her. He needed to have her.

"Scene," she called simply and dismounted his chest. Like he was a simple child's nickel ride outside a grocery store. It hanging in air mid-song, she left him in limbo.

She called scene! No one had ever called "scene" before him. He was the master. She just looked at him glibly, her arms crossed her chest and she smiled in her Mahin way. She was Mahin, just Mahin; and he, the director. A cold slap of clarity hit him. It was all a scene.

He sat up and carefully slicked his hair back. He was frazzled, his nerves felt like sparking frayed wires. "You should go to your room...prepare for your visit today...your probation worker will be here around three."

"Are you going to pick this script?" she asked eagerly.

Tobias plucked the script from the ground. He dropped it when he was lost in between the acting scene and reality. His cheeks were probably inflamed.

"I have other scripts to read."

"You should pick it."

"Like I said..." Tobias squeezed his forehead, still speaking in a measured voice.

"You'll let me know, if you pick it?"

"Mahin, you take too many liberties!" he roared.

Mahin jumped and then scurried to her room. She did not slam the door, but closed it. Another rule broken.

But right now he needed to distance himself from her. his cauldron was boiling hot and the closer he got to the actress it would soon boil over. she had taken too many liberties; he had lax on discipline. it was his fault. She is here to clean up and behave, nothing more and his success in reforming her was necessary.

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Tobias fiddled with the ropes to keep his hands busy while his mind raced. He couldn't wait for the probation worker to arrive. He needed to get some space from Mahin. His eyes barely blinked as he focused on his knots and dare not look over his shoulder to lay his eyes on Mahin. And she better be in the living room, within eye sight should he look for her.

He did not want to leave Mahin alone in his house. She had already broken a rule and to leave her when she was already in the habit of pushing the limits was a poor decision but he needed some distance.

Tobias quickly worked around his boat. Usually, he was elated to feel the sun blazing on his back and the sea salt tickling his nose, but it was now all lost to him. He wanted to be in the ocean, the sea tossing him to and fro at its command. It matched the churning apprehension inside him yet he knew he could give into it, be swallowed by the see or be a master of it and safely sail his boat over the choppy waves. He looked over his shoulder, Mahin was still in her room. He tightened the final knot of his sail and sat in the boat.

With a strong exhale, the tension left his shoulders and back. He remembered how Angelica would slide through the door wearing a beautiful long skirt, filled with color and a simple white tank top. She would have cool fruity tea in a glass for him and a closed pitcher should he want more.

"Are you going to fish?" she would ask.

"Why would I fish when I've already caught you?" He would say while wrapping his arms around her waist. It was their little joke.

He loved Angelica. She was thoughtful beyond obedience. She was a true slave and a true lover.

Tobias looked at his watch. It was the nautical watch Angelica bought for his birthday. It was one of two gifts she revealed that day and it was the best birthday of his life. His mind went back to the present and in the present was Mahin. One more hour till the probation worker arrives. He could wait one more hour before hitting the sea. He had to do what was right by Angelica and that was to reel the actress in. Scripts aside. Staring contests too, his job was to rehabilitate this urchin. Least someone else suffers the eternal pain he feels every day.

Tobias marched into the house and poured a glass of water as he thought about all the areas he had given up control and where the rules might be broken. The glass sweat, cool beads as he drank looking at Mahin's room. The closed door. The only door closed in the house. His house.

"Mahin, open the door," he called and he could hear her shuffle in the room and then opened the door. Well, that was easier than he thought. He walked passed the room and saw that she was journaling on her bed.

Not what he suspected her doing in her room, but following the rules in appearance.

"What are you writing about?" Tobias held his glass and stood in the hallway not daring to go near the door frame just yet.

"Not about my boyfriend, if you must know."

"Ok, then what?"

"Does it matter? You're going to read it eventually."

That is true but he hadn't read her journal since the first time. He hadn't inspected her work, her chores, nor her room in weeks. All areas where he had failed.

"Yes, but tell me what you are writing about."

"I rather you read it, then I say it."


"No point on saying it aloud. It's been written," she said quietly, she chewed on her lip, reading what she had written, she had not taken him in at all.

It struck him. She was not only following his instructions about taking her journaling seriously, she was writing about deep things. He knew this diversion really well, he had done it himself. He knew whatever she was writing about, it was easier to write than to say.

"You should get dinner started. So that if your Probation Worker takes longer, you will still have dinner ready by 7pm. Malcolm will join us tonight with his significant other."

Mahin nodded and put her journal in her drawer before she slid off the bed and marched to the kitchen.

He found it odd that he was keeping his distance talking to her from the middle of the hallway instead of at her door or inside the room for a matter of fact. It was his house, his room and she was his ward. Curiosity grew stronger. First by his own actions and now by the journal in the drawer. Maybe she had admitted to her alcohol problem. Maybe she was coming through and that's why she was finally following his rules - for the most part.

Tobias sat on Mahin's bed and opened her drawer. She was playing music in the kitchen while she cooked or attempted to cook. Over the last few weeks, he had taken to snacking so that no matter how horrible or un-edible the food was, he wouldn't go completely hungry. Having her cook, was more for Mahin's rehabilitation than his need for 3 square meals a day. At least she stopped trying to cook hard meals like Lobster Thermidor. Tobias chuckled at himself thinking about how she defied nature and actually made lobster gelatinous.

On top of everything in her drawer was a picture of her and the actor boyfriend, Matthew. He was handsome like most Hollywood actors, strong features, a mischievous smile, and kind eyes. Mahin's arms are wrapped around him, her chin resting on his shoulder. Her drawer was neat. He saw her journal under the photo, but instead of the journal, he was drawn to the other things in her drawer. The pen he gave her was wedged in between the pages of her journal, a few clippings of dinner recipes, mascara, a small bracelet that looked more like a trinket and lipstick that rattled when he picked it up.

Tobias pulled the cap and pills flew out of the hollow lipstick case. His anger began to mount as he knelt down to pick up the tiny blue and white capsules from the floor. 6 tablets total, all were his prescription drugs that she stole from him.

"MAHIN!" he roared. "GET IN HERE NOW!"

Mahin ran to the room and Tobias stood his body seeming to grow bigger with anger like he could morph into a green raging giant.

"You stole my sleeping pills." He squeezed his hands and showed her. "You are not only an alcoholic but you also abuse drugs."

"Please, you don't understand. I need them!" Mahin pleaded.

"I am sure you think you need them."

"No, I really do." She begged.

"These are a highly controlled substance. How would you know what they are?"

"I had them prescribed to me before. Please, understand, my agent didn't pack them. He doesn't know I have a problem sleeping."

"You stole my drugs. I should tell your Probation Officer once he arrives."

"Please, no. Don't. You don't understand. I need them to sleep. I can't sleep with my door open."


Mahin stopped in her mental tracks. "I can't tell you why."

"Then you can explain it to the officer."

"Please don't. I admit it. I have an alcohol problem. But I don't abuse drugs or prescription drugs. Please, Tobias. Believe me." Mahin begged, tears streaming down her face.

Tobias had never seen Mahin so desperate and the only time she cried was when she broke the glass on her foot. The doorbell rang. It was her Probation Officer.

"Please Tobias. Don't tell him. I will explain it. Please."

Tobias didn't care. He marched to the door with Mahin's arm clasped tightly hand and in his other hand the pills.

"Please Tobias. Please let me explain," she cried as he pulled her along. He swung the door open and the Probation Officer stepped in.

"Hello, Miss Chambers," The Probation Officer greeted. And Tobias stormed away from the door returning to his dock. Mahin didn't understand if he was going to tell now or later. She just stood there dumbfounded.

"I hear your manager has requested an early completion date. If your rehabilitation coach agrees, you may leave in 4 weeks. That is if you are following the rules. Good behavior, Miss Chambers."

Mahin only blinked. Did Tobias know this? Why didn't he say something and why wasn't he saying something now.

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