A Short Story - Younger Me & Girls

I've got off the phone to my friend Karen. We're bored and going round to Hannah's. We don't usually hang out with her, she's boring and square. But it's something to do.

I fake smile when we get there, acting politely to her parents, Karen and I head to her room.

Hannah's cousin is there, Hailey, she's blonde, blue eyed and pretty. Her character is charming and confident, and her smile melts my heart. I get to know her, ignoring my friends to talk to her, unsure what has come over me.

At the end of the evening, I'm reluctantly pulled away by Karen to get the train home.

***

"Let's go to Hannah's?"

It's the next day, we're bored again.

"No, there's nothing to do."

"I know, everyone else has gone away, we may as well." I beg. I don't know what's got into me. I feel a need to see Hailey.

Karen succumbs to my argument, and we are back at Hannah's.

Hailey sits on the edge of the bed. Golden strands of hair hang over her naked shoulders. Her breasts compressed behind a white boob tube, her little nipples pressing hard. Her tummy is flat with small rolls of skin squeezed as she sits forward. I look at her long legs, crossed, pink flip-flops hang from her raised right foot.

Her smile is wide, and I hang on her every word as she talks about life in Norwich, it sounds depressing, not like London. She's here for a week, and she's going home soon.

Prying, I'm interested when she's back here, how does she like it? She whispers and puts a hand on my bare knee, "Its improved." She laughs so no-one else hears.

A swarming bag of nerves swoosh in my tummy. Is she flirting with me, I don't know what to do. I don't think I'm interested in her, not in that way, am I? I feel enraptured, connected. Its different to how I feel about my friends, Karen and Kim. But, I don't know how.

***

Being dragged away to go home again, I sit in my room, alone.

I try to work out my feelings. Its not the first time I've found myself thinking about girls, or a female in particular.

The waves of emotion I feel as I think of them. I can't counter, or explain.

***

"What's into you? You're either looking into the distance, not talking, being fucking boring. Or, it's Hailey this, or Hailey that." Karen is having a whinge up at me as we sit on a bench on Wandsworth Road. We're off to see what's happening in Elephant and Castle. She'd refused to see Hannah, now we're here waiting for a bus.

Inside I'm in bits, concerned I'll never see Hailey again. It kills me she could be back in Norwich, I don't know how I'll cope. I wanted to cry when Karen said no to going around there. I want to ask her to call Hannah, from the phone box. Neither of us can remember her number.

***

Lying on my bed, thinking of Hailey, I wonder what she's doing. I'm jealous of Hannah for having such a beautiful cousin. I'm envious of the time they get to spend together. If I had a cousin like her, I'm certain I'd be spending whatever time I had to be near her in Norwich.

My heart races and I panic as I find my hand pressing at myself between my legs. I open my crotch a little and slip my hand into my pants.

I'm so confused a tear wells in my eye as I try to comprehend what I'm feeling. I have sex with boys, but I don't fancy them. I go for boys my friends like, or who I think I should go with. I love sex, the thought of it, but I hate the deed and the regret and shame.

I'm outrageous, and push the boundaries during sex, trying to get myself to enjoy it more. My reputation isn't good, my friends know me as a slut, and the boys we know, know me.

Hailey, though she's different, I like talking to her finding out about her. I'd like to go out and have fun with her, she's not the first girl I've felt like this with.

My girlfriends are different, we do go out, we have fun and talk, but its not special, its friendly.

I pull my hand out, I'm not doing it.