A Tale of Two Paramours Ch. 35

Feeling guilty, I only ate about half my burger and less than a third of my fires. I asked for a box for the rest. For her part, Jessika finished most of her salad, but then just kind of played with the remainder while my food was shut away into a 'to go' box. Other than a few questions about my classes, we had talked very little as we ate.

"Jessika, are you sure nothing is wrong?" I asked her as she moved a small pile of salad around her plate for the fifth or sixth time.

"I'm fine, Mark," she said, pushing the plate toward the middle of the table. "I just kinda wish my life was a bit further along. Other people I know are working toward who they want to be, but I feel, well, stagnant. It seems like all I do anymore is work and exercise, and if I am not exercising, Darren and I are out doing some physical activity. It's like I have no time to really rest or be myself... "

Jessika trailed off, her eyes wide for a moment as if she was surprised by what she had said.

"I didn't mean that," she told me. "I'm just tired of this cleanse. I'll feel better soon."

"Jessika, if you feel you cannot be yourself, you need to think about that," I said, reaching my hand out toward hers.

"I didn't mean it like that, Mark," she snapped, moving her hand off the table. "I should be going now anyway."

"Jessika, I'm serious..."

"So am I, Mark," she interrupted me. "Let it go. I didn't mean it the way you think I did."

"Okay," I said as the brunette stood.

I stood as well. We looked at each other for a moment, then she moved to walk past me. As she did, I pulled her into a hug. After a second or two, Jessika relaxed and leaned into me, her firm implants pushing against my lower chest.

"I'm here for you if you need me," I whispered into the brunette's ear.

"I know, Mark," she sighed as she pulled free of the hug and looked at me. "But I'm fine. Really. Please believe me."

"Okay," I said again, noticing what might have been the start of tears in her gray eyes.

"I hope you have a good time talking with Jessi tomorrow," Jessika told me, giving me a slight smile. "Maybe you can put some of that stuff behind you."

"I think I already have," I shrugged, and for the most part, I believed what I said.

"Maybe," the brunette nodded. "But I think there is still some stuff you need to resolve. Tell me how it goes, okay?"

"I will."

"Okay. Bye."

"Bye, Jessika"

I let her walk past me, then I blurted out "I think the same is true for you."

Jessika paused for a moment then continued away. She did not look back, and I did not say anything else.

***

Jessi arrived at the small cafeteria by the lake a few minutes after I did. She was wearing a very similar outfit to the one she had worn the day before—jeans and a shirt with the university's logo on it—but today the shirt was gray and the jeans were black and not quite as tight. I wondered if she had known that I had been looking at her derriere the day before.

"Hi Mark," the blonde said, giving me a hug. "How's your day been so far?"

"It has gone well," I replied. "But I am ready for lunch. What is good here?"

"The pizza's not bad," she said. "But of course, you know I like pizza."

"So do I," I replied, grinning.

Jessi returned my smile, then moved toward the food line. She took a tray and a plate, then went directly to the pizza station. Using a serving spatula, she put a piece of cheese pizza on her plate. I followed her, taking two pieces of pepperoni and sausage pizza.

"You want a Diet Coke, Mark?" she asked when she reached the drinks. "It's on me."

"I'll take an iced tea if they have it," I told her. "I try not to drink diet soda anymore."

"They only have bottled tea. Is that okay?"

"Is it unsweetened?"

"They have unsweetened. Is that what you want?"

"Yes, please," I responded, a little amused by the striking normality of the exchange. I could not remember Jessi and I having a conversation quite like it during the entirety of our time together, even for that brief period she had tried to be more 'normal'.

Jessi bought her pizza and both our drinks, hers being a bottle of water. I then paid for my pizza and joined her at a counter where she was shaking red pepper flakes onto her cheese pizza. I passed on the red pepper but took a handful of napkins.

"Do you want to eat outside?" the blonde asked me. "There are picnic tables near the lake."

"That sounds nice," I replied, and she smiled at me before she used her shoulder to push open a door.

I tried to move up to put my shoulder against the door to hold it for her, but Jessi motioned me past her. Shaking my head, I stepped by her, realizing that she wanted to hold the door for me.

"Pick a table," she called from behind me once I was outside. "But make it one close to the lake, please."

I chuckled to myself, then sat at the table closest to the water. The Jessi here with me was a bit different from my Jessi, but I knew that I already liked this one too.

"Good choice, Mark," she laughed as she sat across from me. "This is my favorite."

"You seem really happy, Jessi," I said after we had both taken a couple of bites of our respective pieces of pizza.

"I am," she grinned back at me. "I'm by far less fucked up than I was when you last saw me, although I am still probably more fucked up than most girls. And don't look so shocked by that. Many things are way better than they were, but I'm still me."

"I can see that," I agreed, shaking my head even as I smiled at her.

"I found a therapist I really like," she continued after another bite of her pizza. "She doesn't focus on why I'm the way I am but rather helps me look at what I can do to take control of who I am, if that makes sense."

"It does."

"Yeah, it does to me too. And I'm not on medicine anymore, at least not regularly. I can mainly self-regulate. Things can still get rocky sometimes, with the anxiety I mean, but usually, it's manageable. And I have the medicine when it's not. Oh, and I don't drink anymore either."

"That is fantastic," I told her, meaning it. "You deserve to be happy."

"I do sometimes still put my poor boyfriend through a little hell," she admitted, looking up at me with an impish smile. "You know what that's like."

"I do," I agreed, amazed at how easy it was to talk to her about these things. "What's he like?"

"Patient," the blonde snickered. "And smart, handsome, kind, caring, loving. Oh, did I mention patient?"

"You did," I laughed.

"A lot like you, really," Jessi said, the smile fading from her face. "But I'm not in so dark a place as I was when we were together, so I'm not dragging him down with me."

"You did not drag me down, Jessi."

"Yes, I did. You told me that the day it ended. You said together we both went to very dark places. And you were right. It helped me see that I needed to change my life if I wanted it to be a better life."

"It was as much my fault as yours, probably more so."

"Sure, we both contributed, I know," Jessi continued, reaching out to take one of my hands in hers. "But you were falling from a place where you knew you could return to. I felt trapped in a dark pit. But loving you, and losing you, showed me there was more. Loving you showed me I was worth loving, that I deserved love, and losing you showed me that I needed to work to be the person I wanted to be. It hurt like hell at the time, but it made me so much stronger in the long run."

I nodded, not sure what to say. Jessi also fell quiet, and we ate in silence for several seconds.

"He's an archeology grad student, my boyfriend," Jessi said, ending the lull in our conversation, and I was pleased to hear happiness return to her tone. "We met in the bookstore. I wasn't sure why he kept coming in and hanging around the textbooks, but then he asked me out. I said 'no' the first several times. Then I surprised myself by saying 'yes'. I didn't even fuck him on the first date. Oh, and I didn't suck him off either, if that's what you're wondering."

"You know, it's amazing listening to you, Jessi," I told her, shaking my head for what felt like the hundredth time since we started talking.

"How so, Mark?" she asked, a puzzled look on her face.

"Sometimes you sound almost like a different person, then you say something that is very much the Jessi I knew, and I realize that you are really just a happy version of who you were. I think this really is who you were meant to be, a happy but brazen young woman."

"A foul mouthed slut, you mean," Jessi said, winking. "I'm still that, just more strategically, at least sometimes. Jesse, my boyfriend, is often out of his comfort zone. Not as much as you were, but I do like to keep him on his toes."

"Your boyfriend's name is Jesse?"

"Yeppers," she grinned.

"So, Jessi and Jesse," I continued.

"He calls me Jessica sometimes, but I kinda like the whole 'Jessi and Jesse' thing."

"It sounds like your relationship with him is, um, maybe more playful than, well, before him," I said, struggling to find words that would convey what I was sensing without making the young woman uncomfortable.

"Yeah, it is," Jessi nodded. "I'm much better at playful now. I only go psycho bitch on him once in a while. Oh, and I've never tried to make him call me 'cunt'. I think he'd probably go into shock if I tried."

"I nearly did," I pointed out. "In fact, I am a little shocked that you are telling me all this."

"No, you didn't, Mark," Jessi laughed. "And you're not shocked now, either. When we were together, what I wanted didn't really shock you—you were just worried it wasn't good for me, or for you. So, you weren't shocked then, and you certainly aren't shocked I'm willing to talk about it now."

"You shocked me all the time," I argued, hearing more than a little defensiveness in my own tone.

"No, I surprised you," she replied. "Nothing really shocked you. Well, maybe when I wore that kitten top to the sub shop. That might've really shocked you."

"Oh, I remember," I said while trying to ignore the sudden desire that I was feeling for the pretty blonde sitting across from me.

"You fucked me good that day, Mark," Jessi breathed, her bright blue eyes shining with what I thought might be a similar feeling. "Of course, you always did."

"God, if you didn't have a boyfriend," I said, not able to hold back what I was thinking and feeling. "We could..."

I would not have been surprised if Jessi had taken her hand from mine, or gotten up and left, but instead, she squeezed my hand, and I was sure I heard a little moan escape her lips.

"I know, Mark," she sighed. "I feel it too. And I want to think part of it is that I am thankful for you putting me on the path to who I was supposed to be, but I know most of it is lust, even after all this time, and even though I love Jesse... "

"Jessi," I said, pulling my hand away from hers. "This is wrong."

"Shit," the young woman groaned, leaning back and crossing her arms across her chest. "I thought I could handle it. I felt it some yesterday, but then I went home to Jesse and everything was okay. I didn't expect, um, well, this. To want you still."

"I am sorry," I said. "I will go."

"No, don't. This is just you showing me I still have more work to do."

"Well, so do I, evidently," I replied. "I told Jessika yesterday that I thought I was past all this."

"Why aren't you with her, Mark?" Jessi asked, and for the first time that day I was subject to one of her intense stares, as well as to the kind of disconcerting change of subject she always had been so adept at.

"Who? Jessika? How do you know I am not?"

"Because I'd think you'd be a lot happier person if you were."

"I'm happy. Well, happy enough."

"But you're not with her, are you?"

"She has a boyfriend," I shrugged, then started on my second slice of pizza to keep from having to say anything else.

"Mark, you were who I needed to show me I could love and be loved, to show me the person I wanted to be," Jessi said after a few seconds of silence.

"Is that what I was?" I scowled, dropping the pizza. "I thought I was a dirty old man who took advantage of a troubled young woman."

"I've never said anything like that, Mark!. And I never would."

"You did not have to, Jessi. I know what I am."

"Clearly you don't. I meant it when I said Jesse is a lot like you. I wouldn't be able to love him and let him love me if I hadn't known you. You changed my life for the better."

"After breaking it down. After breaking you."

"That's what I needed, to be broken. What you needed was to be made whole. I couldn't do that for you, because I needed something different from you. Jessika can do it. You once said yourself that you were more like your old self around her. She is what you needed after your marriage. And maybe I was too, a little bit. But I was the person who needed your help; she was the person whose help you needed."

"And what about Jessika, in your theory," I asked, amazed at how much thought Jessi had put into our past relationship, but also dismayed that she really seemed to believe that the hell we had put each other through had been something she needed. "What did she need?"

"Someone who loved her with no expectation other than that she be herself," Jessi said, her intense blue eyes boring into mine. "That should've been you. I think I screwed that up a bit with what I needed, although I think maybe you needed me to help you see that she is really what you want and need."

"And Amara," I said, hating myself a bit for bringing her up, but wanting to try to get Jessi to see that not everything had been for a reason. "Did she need something too? Was she part of this complex set of needs? And Sheri?"

"Sheri was fun, and that's all. As for Amara, that skank was just a slut I trusted but shouldn't have," Jessi replied, rolling her eyes. "She set us back so much."

"Oh, I was part of that too, and so were you, with your revenge."

"Oh, we're all to blame. I just never should've invited her into things. She nearly ruined it all. I could've easily spiraled down into an alcoholic stupor after her. You might've been okay, but you would've had to let me go. And it wasn't time for that yet, at least not for me. I do sometimes think you might've been better off, but I can't really be unhappy that you stuck around enough longer to make me see what I needed to do to be who I should be."

"Don't you think this is all just rationalization, Jessi?" I asked, trying not to be sucked into her belief that everything that had happened between us had been for the best, not when I still felt guilt over so much of it.

"Maybe it is, Mark, but it helps me be happy and move forward with my life."

At that moment, my frustration with Jessi and what seemed to me to be her idyllic rationalizations regarding our relationship, as well as my desire for her that had unexpectedly flared up a few minutes earlier, faded away.

"So maybe it all really did help you," I nodded. I was still not sure I agreed with all the details, but I could not deny the results that were right in front of me.

"Oh, it did, Mark," she responded with a smile. "And I think it helped you too, you just can't see it yet."

"If you mean Jessika, It is too late for that."

"Mark, I have to go to work in a few minutes, so I need you to listen to me. If Jessika is who you want— who you need—for you to be happy and whole, then do whatever it takes to get her to see it."

"What if I am not who she needs," I said, feeling a wave of sadness at that thought.

"Then let her go, I guess. But you need to take the chance, for yourself as much as for her."

The young blonde stood up, then picked up the crust from her pizza and tore it into little chunks.

"I always like feeding the ducks before I go," she said. "I know they get plenty of food, but I like thinking I am giving them a little treat."

"You are amazing, Jessi," I said, tearing the crust off my half-eaten reaming slice and ripping it up.

"So are you, Mark," she grinned. "I think you need to remind Jessika of that, and yourself."

I stood beside her and tossed pieces of crust to the ducks, who squabbled over them. Jessi did the same, a smile on her pretty, elfin face.

"I've got to go now, Mark," she told me. Then, to my surprise, she kissed me.

"Jessi, what..."

"It was just a kiss, Mark," she said, before turning to leave.

"Well, I knew it wasn't ducks," I said, recalling something she had told me once after having multiple orgasms.

My blonde former lover faced me again, biting her bottom lip.

"I remember that, Mark," Jessi said, her voice faltering. "I said that they all came in a row, and you asked if I meant orgasms. I thought it was a silly question, so I said something like, 'well, they weren't ducks'."

"I remember that too," I told her, wondering what it would be like to be with her again. "Those were the things I loved most about you, you know. Those quirky little things that made you you."

"Jesse loves them too, which I am really having to remind myself of right now," she replied, her voice still a little unsteady.

"He is a very lucky man, honey," I replied.

"And I'm a very lucky little slut," Jessi replied. "To have two men love me when I never thought any man would."

"You are not a slut, Jessi. You are just a passionate woman."

"Oh, I know I'm a slut, Mark," the young blonde laughed, and, surprisingly, with that the mood was broken. "I used to be your slut. Now I'm Jesse's. Like you, he tries to convince me otherwise, but I know what I am. I'm just happy with that now. And I could never have reached this point without you, my first love."

"Go to work or you'll be late," I said, trying to blink back the tears I felt forming.

"You're not my Master, Mark," Jessi snickered before she started to walk away. But after a few feet, she looked back over her shoulder and said, "But Jesse is, at least sometimes. I just have to keep convincing him of that."

I shook my head, then picked up the trays and empty drink bottles from the table. I did not watch Jessi walk away.

***

I managed to make it until the weekend before I acted on Jessi's suggestion that I tell Jessika how I felt about her. That was partly because I was battling my renewed desire for the young blonde woman; partly because I was unsure whether telling Jessika about my feelings for her was the right thing to do, especially considering my seemingly rekindled desire for Jessi; and partially because I was afraid of Jessika's reaction. But I had known since my conversation with Jessi that I was going to try at some point. What I felt for Jessika was deeper than lust, or even lust mixed with the memory of love, and none of the reawakened feelings I had for Jessi would change that.

Taking the chance that Jessika was at home and alone, I showed up at her apartment at about 9:00 am on Saturday morning. Once there, I verified that her car was parked in her spot. I sat in my car for about twenty minutes, alternately trying to work up the courage to go to her door then trying to talk myself out of doing so. Finally, I decided to push aside my doubts. I got out of my car and strode to her door, hesitating just a moment before knocking.

At first, there was no response, so I knocked again. The second time I was rewarded with Jessika's voice.

"Who the fuck's knocking on my door!"

"It's Mark," I called.

Jessika opened the door, a concerned look on her face.

"Is everything okay, Mark?" she asked, squinting at me.

"Are you alone?" I asked, but given that she was wearing sweats and a t-shirt, I figured she was.

"Yeah, but why's that important?"

"Can I come in?"

"Not until you tell me what's going on," the brunette snapped.

Ignoring her, I pushed by her, then turned to face her in her front room.