All Comments on 'A Tangled Web Ch. 01'

Ready for Part 2!

Nice start. I'll check back when it's done. Thanks for posting. Randi.

You mentioned something about redemption in the beginning. Please don’t do that. This is a very twisted way to behave behind the back of someone you love. But I understand This is fantasy. Just please don’t give them a reconciliation or even a “closure” setup. After watching those videos, a logical person would never interact with their abuser again

Interesting.

I like that you were working on the wife for a year; but it seems rushed. In 6 months there is no reflection on her relationship with Dan.

Once a wife gets to the point where the affair doesn’t make them feel guilty, means that they are no longer invested in the marriage.

In reality, Cindy would be giving Dan divorce papers. She is emotionally and sexually tied to Bruce. She is Bruce’s cock whore in reality and Dans wife on paper.

What revenge is Dan going to get? He lost his wife because he was dedicated to work, not his wife.

Honestly, this isn’t the cuckold story you want it to be: it’s a story about a husband choosing work over family.

Shit Story nasty prick total SLUT need I say more ????(jaybee186)

Hope payback is forthcoming!

4

You are portraying a stupid person. Period.

I enjoyed this but hope Dan won't be kept in the dark too long. And while Cindy deserves to be punished, I really hope Bruce is completely destroyed. Though I do have to say, I don't understand how Cindy could go this far and claim to love her husband. Him being busy is NO excuse. And she should have communicated her needs to him.

History too far-fetched and filled with clichés.

The bad guy is super handsome, super rich, super well built, super well endowed, best lover, best masseur, completely free in his days,... and even organizes a plot worthy of James Bond or Jason Bourne.

The wife is as usual completely stupid, who only caresses, enjoys, and who wonders if she is cheating and cheating on her husband.

A woman so smart that she loses her 3 neurons after she sees a big cock.

Wow! What originality!

You should in my opinion try to be simpler and more believable in your characters, their behaviors and the situations.

Your story has far too much exaggeration.

More is very often the opposite of better.

Taking a chance here, getting into a multi-part story with chapter one from a new author. Please don't do what happens here all too often and leave readers hanging on a story which never gets finished...

I know it is fantasy but the massage theory of seduction just does not work for me, and there is no explanation for Cindy to have fallen for Bruce under the circumstances even if her husband was working too many hours. Although taking a long time, the seduction was just too easy and unbelievable.

She was a natural born slut? But it didn't seem like that at first. A woman that good looking will always have to fend off guys like Bruce. And I'm sure she had brains enough to figure out what was happening. Anomalous. D

Bruce owns that pussy now with his bigger, better cock.

No one could be THAT stupid with a stranger and ending up fucking him in every way and still not being suspicious. Just ridiculous.

Agree, hard to craft something original, but that is not the problem for me: Too cliched, characters are caricatures/do not feel real, and the seduction unrealistic. Will still stay toned but not very hopeful. Just my opinion of course.

Even though this is a fantasy it would be better if it was a bit more in line with some basic views on relationships... a wife who doesn't think she is doing something wrong when paying for naked massage and getting her clit fingered to orgasm, riding the sybian etc... and when it turns into a full blown affair where she is willing to degrade her husband we are supposed to believe that she still loves her husband... really? And Bruce the evil who spends hours, weeks, months on seducing Cindy just because he lost a contract...

It becomes like a poor script for a porn movie but with the sex cut out in the end.

Not bad. Although I was disappointed that you spent so much time winding up for the actual seduction and then not only had it happened ‘off screen’ but she had already turned into a cock whore. I would have loved to at least hear more of the first time and even snippets of the escalation in the affair.

I hope this does not turn into a cuckold love story. Good start, we will see where it goes. Good writing style.

"Bruce was the only child Jack had with his ex-wife. Well, technically, Eric wasn't Bruce's biological father,"

Why did Jack suddenly become Eric for one sentence?

Started out really well. The seduction fantasy was just too far fetched and lost me.

A stupid beginning. A sports massage? And that includes playing with her breasts? Just where does Bruce find the time to go to the gym to meet Cindy while he is working a full time day. And like you said what are the odds of just accidentally meeting the wife of the guy who beat him out for a contract? Where did he get any idea how to give a 'real' massage even IF he adds in the sexual components. And of course Cindy naively accepts it all.

i have to admit I skipped over the rest. I may go back later, but this just grated. The story feels unbalanced at this point. gamblnluck

I hope you were honest in your tagging and turn this around.

I'm encouraged that this one has a title that indicates it's chapter 1 so you're less likely to leave us hanging like you did with your first story, but I'm only cautiously optimistic.

I have to agree and disagree with my fellow anon about your stopping point. The first two sentences of the last paragraph make it sound like a good break point, as you're about to switch up the action. However, the last sentence makes it sound like you're just going to continue with the affair and completely ignoring the rest of the characters. Speaking of your narrow minded focus and forgetting to advance the story or any character interactions, such as husband and wife, outside of the sex den...

Pretty one sided. No husband being suspicious of wife, giving him hints to feel something is up and the wife becoming a cock whore through the whole massage thing is kinda weak. I mean shit, her husband just landed a big deal, the dollar signs alone would make her satisfied and devoted to her husband.

Cindy has gone well past the point of being forgivable and the story has already dragged out for too long. Dan has done nothing wrong and Cindy has given him no signs there is a problem totally deceiving and lying to him. Burn both Cindy and Bruce in the worst possible way. You get one more chapter from me and I don't appreciate being left hanging like this ending....

Unless this is a novel, it's moving way too slowly. Also, Cindy is not nearly conflicted enough. There's no real tension or inner conflict. The "my-man-works-too-much" school of inevitable cheating has been worked to death. It's just behind the Martian Slut Ray. However, this one is much better than your other story. You're a good writer, and you've got good technique. I hope part 2 is ready to launch. Nothing ruins a good story like having a subsequent part appear weeks or months later. Usually, nobody can remember the previous part enough to remain interested.

You should write the 2nd chapter and bring it to the point. Also, agree with you on having an editor or proofreader. This story really doesn't need the ne t chapter but too many are hanging to see what happens.

DOL

not much of a story for what we were expecting hope you have more and do a better job

I judge how good a story is by how much emotion it riles within me... So far, its got me really pissed off. So, keep up the good writing, you're already a better author than most on this site.

Not horrible. But not great either.

I find it pretty unbelievable that a woman...wife who loves her husband...just isn't happy with his hours...would fall this far without feeling complete guilt and having it utterly destroy herself after so long. 6 months of an affair where they are meeting 2 times a week is a LONG time. And cheating so often. So many times. And using degrading language. Eventually words turn into actions. If a person degrades a loved one repeatedly...hundreds of times...with words...and actions like cheating? Then in the end that person would end up actually losing all respect for that loved one. Compartmentalizing things only goes so far. Soon this wife wouldn't be able to separate out the disrespect from her time being a slut to being home with her husband.

Their relationship at home would implode by itself.

For this reason I just find it not very believable. And...cutting it off here in the middle of the story was just a bad idea in my opinion.

It's probably not going to score very well.

It's just hard to buy this level of betrayal for this length of time. And the wife charactet has to be seriously flawed to be this easily seduced.

I mean how many women let their male massage therapist massage their boobs and finger their pussy to orgasm by their 2nd appointment? And getting her to go to a separate apartment away from the established business where they are completely private and alone?

Sorry. Far fetched.

Great start! I hope Bruce gets what’s coming to him.

I hope this end with BTB! Enjoyed your writing style so far.

I hope the other chapters are finished soon. It’s an interesting story so far. Solid writing, but it’s frustrating to be left hanging.

Read the first page and skimmed the rest. If the story is done just post it all. Hopefully the rest is worth a detailed read. I am interested in the husbands as a character. And if he is a wimp I wish a pox on you.

You’ve asked for constructive criticism so I’ll have a go at it.

First the good stuff: you’ve put together an interesting cast of characters. Our introduction to Dan and Cindy is far better than the average new writer on this site. Bruce, the spoiled brat whose body and money makes him attractive to shallow women, is also perfect for the role.

You hooked the reader on the first page without setting the hook too deeply—background is important, but can get boring and cause the reader to throw the hook—you flirted with that line without crossing it.

Nice touch on the beginning of page two; the snake masterfully begins to charm his victim. I don’t know anything about massages but I bought your description-so far so good.

BUT—always that but, isn’t there—but I can’t buy the Cindy from page one behaving like the Cindy of the last half of your story; the jump to slut is too big and too quick. She doesn’t give Dan a second thought in the last half of this story, AND Dan doesn’t seem to notice his wife has changed, nor does he give a damn. Here you start losing points.

As someone else has mentioned, the long off screen transition from loving wife to whore is killing your story while her docile acceptance of Bruce’s demeaning remarks about Dan doesn’t fit the loving Cindy we were introduced to in the beginning.

One last constructive criticism remark; you’ve fallen into the ‘Big Dick’ trap, along with almost every one of us writers. I’m not an expert on cock size, but I did serve in the Marines during the time of the open showers. In other words up to our entire platoon would be in the showers at the same time. Now when you have about 4 men all crowded under the same shower head, along with about 70 other men doing likewise, you can’t help but see what they’re packing, and only rarely did I notice anything standing out from the normal. (Bigger or Smaller)

A quick check of Google shows most of us guys pack about 5.5 to 6.5 inches with only about 5% falling to either side that range. I don’t seem to get much written these days, but what I do write will represent normal men, not what we see on porn. Care to join me?

Please take these remarks in the spirit they were offered. Also I urge you not to get discouraged by the hurtful negative crap comments so common here on LW. I agree with those who say this category is haunted by those who for one reason or another have been hurt by a loved one and continue to let that person live rent free in their head. And then , of course, there are the keyboard commandos who want to see these fictional characters treated like they wished they could have treated those who did them wrong. I’ve decided to wish them a long life and hope they enjoy whatever they make of it.

Meanwhile I’m going to write what I enjoy and hope you will continue writing also; looking forward to reading your next. cd

I JUST HATE STORIES THAT STOP IN THE MIDDLE! I'M LONG PAST THE TIME WHEN THE HUSBAND SHOULD BE AWARE AND TAKE ACTION.

need the finish

It exceeds the belief of this reader to accept that a college educated top-notch gymnast married to a prominent architect would fall so easily for a sleaze ball like Bruce. This chapter is notably short on any account of the domestic relations between Cindy and Dan.

There is no lo ger a chance for a RAAC .... Cindy and Bruce are both headed for the office shredder, not the water cooler.

Just the fact that Cindy thinks a massage of her clit is acceptable meant her marriage was doomed well before she crossed any lines.

agree with other comments, good story but hard to believe someone like Cindy would fall for someone like Bruce. Will see what happens in part 2.

Promising story. Let's be patient and wait for the next chapter. Definitely it has potential. Thanks for the story.

Solid story but at times the narrative was a series of simple sentences checking if necessary plot points. 4*

A lot of good comments on both sides of ‘too fast’ and ‘too slow!’. I opt for Bruce having a good plan and managing it very well, being ready to back-off and also to push the line.

Downside, We-The-Readers start with Dan/Hubby as the protagonist but that later shifted to Bruce/Snake with Cindy/Sweetie as supporting actress. IMHO, a few paragraphs every tale-month about Hubby’s coping with a ‘next level’ task would keep the overall progress better for WTR. Add to that, Sweetie’s reaction to the raise plus their slow shift in time (and quality thereof) together would fill in what WTR can only speculate about. Also, Snake has quickly become a masseuse and has changed from a lazy second-in-command of a major business to a very successful dedicated seducer. How that could become Snake’s ultimate mission is not convincing!

Doing Dan a favor. She’s too stupid to reproduce

Thats because its YOUR story, YOU need to finish it, not finishing it is lazy and it shows, tell us now if this one is actuslly going to be finished by YOU.

Like all these stories there is that suspension of disbelief needed.

Would someone like Cindy fall for such an obvious Lothario? Absolutely not. But then there'd be no story. There's also all the other complicate women, it's just not going to happen.

7 inches long and 6 around... flaccid? I'm guessing he's got an implant, especially considering he "only" grows to 8.5 inches fully erect.

The next 6 months were rushed or was it brushed over almost as if you were eager to get this chapter over with. By my calculations it's been 11 months, I'm guessing Dan hasn't noticed any difference in her in that time?

At a few places you mixed your tenses and went for present instead of past.

At one point you put Eric in place of Bruce's dad's name.

Overall I enjoyed it and am heading to part 2.

If the most important sex organ is the brain, then you've done a great job of creating a cheating whore wife who has no brain. She also has no children, so Bruce has done Dan a Fantastic favor. Cindy is too stupid to be a wife, much less a responsible mother. Maybe she'll wise up if she's ever able to find a second husband after Dan kicks her slut ass to the curb. Thanks for the effort.

First paragraph. As far as I could make it. The closest I’ve ever come to romance novels is on this site. The single biggest reason I can’t handle romance novels is because too many adjectives per sentence. First paragraph went over my limit. Hopefully this was on purpose.

I agree with commenters who found Cindy’s acceptance of Bruce stretching the boundaries of his massages, but you did say she was inclined to exhibitionism. So it does follow that she would dispense with the drape, and perhaps be a little more permissive. I’m not sure that even if she became more permissive that she wouldn’t mention it to her husband though, and let him challenge the red flag. I guess we’ll see where how it plays out!

There are spots where another proof read might eliminate some confusion. Jacie and Jason both being in the massage thread and early on it seems you ties Eric into Bruce’s family tree. I may be wrong, but one more proofread might have straightened that out. No blame though, I do the same thing all the time. Then later I kick myself for not giving it that one more read.

All in all, I like your story, so on to Ch. 02! Thanks for writing!

Oh, Bruce boy needs to suffer a lot

Welcome new author. Thank you for your pretty well-written contribution to the cheating wives stories. I hope you you finish this story and post more stories with this theme.

The problem I have with this is similar to the problem with many BTB stories, where the hubby can do just about anything, like it's Mission Impossible.

@muskyboy,

write your own story and see how many people "appreciate" it.

Hopefully it will be better than your bio.

@sbrookes103, what? You don't like Mission Impossible?

The story flowed to quick, it didn't take very long for Bruce to get his fingers on Cindy's clit if she is a loving wife, more just a slut who hadn't been presented an opportunity to cheat.

Did Dan die, prior to Bruce getting his fingers on Cindy's clit Dan used to benefit from Cindy getting aroused by the massages.

The time Bruce first bròught her to orgasm Da n missing out on that because he had to work back.

This is where the story seems to go down hill, from here months pass with Bruce ramping up the seduction to her being a total slut.

We have to assume Dan hasn't benefitted from Cindy coming home horny and towards the end probably he is missing out on a lot more.

He is pretty much forgotten.

Trying not to be to critical as this chapter seems to be pretty much only about Cindy's slide into being a slut.

Maybe we find in the next chapter that it is about how Dan has found out all about what has been going on and by the end is about to react in what ever way the auther deems.

It seems to be a bad move not to mention him after she starts to cheat when Bruce starts touching her in appropriatly, time will tell

One slut divorced and one bastard beaten neatly to death. Some others would suffer for sure.

I enjoy the comments. It didn't take long to get his fingers on her clit but after they were cut off and fed to him he would rember why they were gone. Wonder if that would make him hard?

Excellent Start for a Gret Story and Great Writing. Very believable writing. Excellent portrayal of a loyal spoiled wife's seduction. Small steps, a little at a time, meanwhile her orgasms getting more and more habit-forming. 5 stars for a Great Job of the heartache that is about to happen. Thank You for your effort and hard work. ignore the rude comments from anonymous.

Thank so much for this great Effort! #Buster2U

Cindy is just a selfish, self-centered idiot. She crossed the line well before the clit touching. She must either be disposed of and punished severely.

The level of betrayal and plotting is cartoonish. Her actions post discovery, especially in third part are just bizarre. Calling Bruce to.warm him and believing his shit, despite learning that her husband was poisoned and taking the powder to the police, all while.being drugged continuously with Plan B drugs and X. She could have simply gone into get tested to see the residual drugs in her system. She could have waited for her husband's test results to come back. But no she cares for Bruce the rapist and predator. Sigh LW stories on Lit.

Just another slut

So much for her promise to her "husband". And no wonder Bruce is losing architectual clients, he's never at work. He's always "working" pussy.

Bruce is a daddys boy loser who cant get a job without holding his dads dick and spends thousands chasing pussy like a simp.

Cindy is a typical shithead slut, cunt got her tits groped, her clit played with and orgasmed and enjoyed the wandering hands of Bruce and Jason and still claimed to be faithful the degenerate cunt.

Dan is too good for that woman, his wife is trash. Good hard working nice guys like Dan that never had any lucky breaks are always the ones that get cheated on, it is a shame.

With the level of unfaithfulness before Bruce she had with masseuses, Dan should have dumped her years ago.

Dan will be well rid of her… eventually. Hope he takes it well.

He could have put all that time and effort into his work. I now understand why he loses orders

Obviously the author is not married. Bruce mentioned knowing and working with her husband no way would she not even mention it to her husband. That is total bs. Then the fact Bruce said he worked at the same company as her husband. then suddenly is doing massage part time. The wife was so dumb to believe his bullshit line and then he offered to let her go to his private studio after only one session? Nope not happening unless she is a whore which so far she hasn't been. The author should have made her the type to cheat all the time then it would have been believable. The type of girl described in the beginning isn't the cheating type of wife. The storytelling is terrible.

The Anon post about the wife not being a cheater, and her falling isn’t believable….could be argued you never had a relationship either, or the wool was over your eyes like the MC. The ones you least expect are 9 times out of ten the type you would call the devil. Your innocence makes you believe women are good on the inside, when it’s the opposite.