All Comments on 'Hyeonverse: A Ticket to Nevada Ch. 02 of 02'

I'll be damned, I enjoyed the heck out of your story. I slowed my reading down and had no problem understanding this chapter. You took me on a strange ride, but a fun one. If I hadn't been home schooled, I probably would have caught on faster. I'm smart enough to keep my Micky Mantle Louisville Slugger close at hand though. Great job King. Looking forward to the next one.

Excellent work. Worth staying up late for!

A nice conclusion to a mystifying start.

You brought that weird existential mess of chapter one back into focus and ended with a bang! Masterful job!

R.

Nice effort for a relatively new author (I think.) A lot going on, a little jumpy, but overall nicely plotted and written. The characters turn into people we care about, although the wife had a lot to recover after Ch. 01. Lots of open ends, particularly with Cormac and the girl that could lead to a lot of connected stories. I look forward to your next story.

Wish I could log in. I have tried creating a profile several times but never received the authorizing email link. Oh well.

notme

notmenopenotme@mail.com

You try to have it all ? You will lose it all . In the first installment the author seamlessly built reader up for showdown , then shifted gears and went screwball comedy of errors .Josh went from stud to new-age renaissance flit. Ann was two faced , self righteous career c--t to devoted mommy, loving wife of year. Actors would LOVE to play these parts , but audience will sigh in frustration.

I like King-Willie's daring and had he stayed on track , think he easily has talent to close show in 5 🌟 style . That wasn't enough or all too easy . Someone had to die . Ima Thurman had to kill Bill . David Carradine or Uma Thurman were not going to split the baby or custody .

You can be irreverent without being irrelevant, but when this story went showdown devolved to hoedown . All I can do is sigh and wistfully theorize about the head that should have rolled ( metaphorically). This author has a lot of talent . Kudos for jamming in diverse supporting characters, action , double-edged trysts.

Bottom Line : I enjoyed both installments individually very much . As a cohesive whole ? Not so much.

If you ever wanted a story that wasn't a linear, paint by the numbers, cliche party, this might be what your thing. Assumptions are challenged, fantasy and reality overlap and you are left with questions unanswered. I think it is a pretty clever bit of writing with enough weirdness and humor to keep my interest.

But ultimately a good story and a good read. Keep writing.

I didn't like Pt.1. But I was curious to see what the hell you intended. I will go back and re-read the first part, now that I know how you wrapped this up.

I'm glad it had a happy ending, but the wife completely fucked up their marriage for years with all her secrets. Oh, and it didnt matter that Josh was gay, she still was all over him.

I like how you used. The characters' actions, conversations and thoughts describe them rather than telling us. The pace was blistering at times--great for a shortstory. Love the part-time detective and sidekick. A step up from your other offering I read. *****.

It seems disjointed and has a lot of proofing errors. KW can write well, but something went a little wrong here

I can see it now. A multi book PI series.

What a POV change from Ch.1 to 2 - from Bill to Annie. Like two different writers. I'm not big on mixing styles, but it worked - really well! Two distinctly different voices.

Surprising plot twist. From shocking spousal betrayal to intrigue and romance. Plus a lot of emotional depth and a good dose of humor to ice the cake. *****+ Thank you

Did not like the writing style much, did not fit with the story line. These people where in publishing, who are supposed to have an academic approach to language, but they spoke more a street style rough language.

that's a weird fucking story, dude.

The first chapter seemed the ramblings of a man gone mad, which is probably what it was intended to be. This one, from the wife's POV tried to make sense of the fragments tossed out in chapter one. It was easier to follow, but still seemed a bit muddled. The fight she was able to witness on her laptop was a real stretch. She certainly managed to pick up a lot of detail as she watched her little screen. It's cool that you used the great American icon, a baseball bat, for beating people, rather than one of those damn pickaxe handles. They are way overrated! Interesting, but somewhat muddled. It's good to see a writer try something different.

I gave up halfway through it was just to difficult to read and honestly not worth the effort.

That hit me. Annie sees Sara’s butterflies on her phone and knows she’s protected.

We’ve all had this happen. A photo, a song that comes out of the blue and you know. Someone Is there and has your back. You can make it now; it’s all good. And you go do what needs to be done.

In an over the top story; that made it all feel real. Nice writing.

Five stars for a great job. I didn't really like the abrupt writing style but I am having to look for something to criticize. I did like the story. Keep up the good work and you will be a favorite on Lit.

RSKY

Thank you for writing this; it's very well done. I admit I liked chapter 1 more. Perhaps it was simpler, perhaps it was from the husband's point of view. I felt his pain; I didn't feel hers. There are some loose ends but overall a great effort.

I really did. And I still have no clue what it is supposed to be about.

This was an absolutely outstanding tale. 5* and I look forward to many more satisfying stories from you in the future!

But worth the read. The narrative was disjointed and occasionally hard to follow, but it was a fun read none the less. I particularly enjoyed the disparity between the two characters point of view.

More character development, more drama, good twist. You did a great job on this one! Thank you!

This was fucking good!!!

Great characters and plot twists!

Great entertainment value!

Very good fun factor used with good wit!

You obviously have my appreciation.

There really wasn't a character I didn't like!

Well you had me on the edge of my seat, chewing off what little finger nail I had, and then on the last page I lost it.

Maggie-Maggie-Maggie!" he bobbed his head. "You're an Aries, aren't you? I can tell! I am an Aries too!"

"Yes, I am an Aries," she surrendered with a sigh. "March, the 5th."

You see my wife of 46 years, her birthday is March 5th also..... The only problem is she's a Pisces. If for no other reason I'm giving you 5 * because you made me laugh.

I couldn't understand why the sniper wasn't taking Bob out but your wrap up cleared that question perfectly!

This was almost outstanding writing!

Wish the ratings went to 10*. This would easily score a 7 or 8.

Have you done any work for pay?

But very well done, didn’t see this at any time during the first chapter. 5*.

Did not see Part 2 coming, a great piece of work

The characters didn’t live as characters but as extensions of the author. I could feel the author writing each one and that turned each into an object that’s occasionally illuminated. The story is silly but the issue is more that this degree of talent should be able to write characters who aren’t blocks of wood when they’re not first person. The closest the author comes to breaking through that is in the fight scene in the hotel room because then the author is the viewing perspective. Other writers know how to make a character look real from the outside when being seen from another character’s perspective. If you are indeed a serious writer, you need to be able to do that. Note I mean that each author has limits: some can’t plot, some can’t do action, some can’t build drama. I’m pointing out that your plot is way over-complicated and the characters tend to become soap operatic. If I didn’t see talent, I’d say nothing. Look at JimBob44’s stuff: he can draw a person in a handful of words. His style is more Jim Thompson than lurid pulp but the best pulp writers and best crime writers had that ability. You need to distill the character. Instead you distill, for example, Josh to a physical type. Soap operatic. I can’t say I knew any of these characters at all and it’s pretty clear the married couple didn’t know each other. In terms of story, the actual story is the emotional one and you didn’t even try to deal with that: she had a significant emotional affair and they’ve clearly had huge misunderstandings about what happened with the lost baby but all that disappears because it’s soap opera. I didn’t rate because I didn’t want to affect the score. - Cloacas

Feeling a little guilty for my low marking of Chapter 1 but hey, ho...I struggled to understand it until my second reading and by then it was too late!

This was a hoot. It was so over-the-top, i feel like all my comments should end with exclamation points!!

So many confusing elements in Ch 01 that were made clear in Ch 02, but not through boring verbiage and explanations. You gave us the opportunity to perceive and time to interpret them through Annie's slower, more structured narrative.

Ch 01 was like a meteorologist tracking atmospheric discharge of lightning, knowing something bad is happening below but not knowing what it is. Bill has no window into the rain-swept Earth, because Annie no longer talks to him. Ch 02 tells us all we need to know, but leaves us wondering if she can ever bring Bill into it. Once you got us sympathetic and revealed the true villain, the real tension was over. The rest of the narrative was all about resolving plot lines, negotiating the wrap-up, savoring new relationships and incorporating the Princess of Power costume into their pretty hot married makeup sex. If this sounds like criticism, it's not.

I still think of it as an anime story more than literature, but it makes my whole weekend better. I'm favoriting you so i don't miss any of your future work.

BTW, any chance of resuming that other series? I've always wondered what was really going on in 'her' world.

This is the first of your work that I've read but it won't be the last. As long as you write like this I will be a fan.

Thank you for your hard work and please more stories.

Woodmanone

It is about .5 point light.

I look forward to more of your work

I worked my way through your distracting style to finish both chapters. Good story but you lost a star because of all the nonsense. Can't wait to see if this was just for this story, or if this is just you. Still, 4* worth.

Keep writing. You are one of the better new voices in recent months.

Hooked

You have an extrordinary imagination to create such an intricate story. I have to admit

there, that i was ready to jump off half way down the first page of this second page but then it all started making sense;

5 Stars for good original work, minus 1 star for being rather convoluted. Hubby's side was full of quirky and entertaining characters. Wife's side, full of convoluted business, relationship and sexual assault secrets. Liked it on balance, but a bit cleaner story would have been a solid 5.

Quite enjoyable reading - thanks for a great 5* + story.

... that was good .... 5*s

I still don't like it when Bill strokes his arm, smirking at me while he goes:

"He-he-he! Oh, Joshhh!"

Bizarre, funny, and enjoyable.

Mostly, I skip read and can follow the thread because authors tend to employ a linear story line, even if they move back and forth in time. Your stories are more like a jigsaw puzzle. I have to examine each piece and find its place in the larger picture. This is hard going but, so far, rewarding.

Hi, guys,

thank you so much for your posts and comments, I'm really glad you enjoyed the story's wrap up, even though all the credit goes to my editors who taught me to sit down, breathe in, breathe out and stop typing 2 thousand words a minute. ^_^

26thNC - thanks, man, keep that Micky Mantle Louisville Slugger at arms' reach at all times.

Chcanyon - thank you, the pleasure was all mine.

1 star Anonymous - sorry you feel that way. Me, I dunno how I'd react if I found out some guy was putting the moves on my wife but I'd like to think it'd be prime time worthy.

Bebop3 - Thanks, mate.

You pulled it off! Anonymous - Thank you, I like to think of Ch.#1 as Jacob's Ladder and Ch.#2 as The Long Kiss Goodnight. Or Ch.#1 as Alien and Ch.#2 as Aliens. I know, my brain is weird.

Nice Anonymous - Thank you, this is my 3rd published story here, probably my 6th or 7th actual attempt to write something in prose. I do plan to revisit Cormac and his sidekick Hyeon in a future story, once they've delivered Moustatchoo Bob to E. M. Parker and got their bounty.

LordSlamdawgg - Thank you so much for your thorough review, Lord, I don't agree with everything (Robert actually does die, but it's off camera) but I really enjoyed reading your opinion and you did raise some pertinent points. LOL, my diverse cast is just a reflection of the people around me (and the people I'd like to have around me - just ask CW about my fixation with native american bikers ^_^ - ).

Ximand - Thanks, man, truth is I just wanted to see if I could write action scenes in prose.

tangledweed - Thank you so much for your post, hey, as long as you've enjoyed, my work here is done. :)

C&C Anonymous - Thank you, I will keep writing, you guys have motivated me to hit the gym and work on developping them writing muscles.

Powersworder - Thanks, mate, I'd have no problem with the Annie having a crush on Josh, he really is a magnificent creature. ^_^ But truth is she sees him more like a protective brother (not the Lannister type of brother!).

Cordialdd - thank you, I really need to work on my pacing and conveying what goes on in my mind in a clear way. Writing Cormac and Hyeon was a blast, I think I finally understand what some writers mean when they say that some characters write themselves.

First Chapter Anonymous - Thanks, man, I'll try to do better next time.

johntcooksey - Thank you, John, the pleasure was all mine. :) Hyeon, the blue butterflies girl has actually appeared in my first Literotica story Dark Reflections and I've been thinking about using her more, maybe as a narrative conduit connecting the stories.

hansbwl - You may have a point there, but I've seen editors when deadlines are looming and their jargon would rival a sailor's.

DominantYetServile22 - thanks, I... think. As long as you've enjoyed it? :)

Harddaysknight - Thanks, man, I'm a huge fan of yours. Pickaxes are absolutely dreadful in a fight.

MichaelFitzgerald - Thank you, Michael, I think all of us have been there, saw the blue butterflies (with a varying theme :) ) and felt that way at some point.

RSKY Anonymous - Thank you for your vote of confidence, RSKY, I hope not disappoint with my next instalments.

Justwetwo - Thank you, I see the chapters as ice cream and fries. Some folks will prefer one to the other. I just gobble them both.

OneBallBigger - Thank you, I'm really happy you enjoyed it and I will try to pump more stories in the future.

Inescu - Thank you, it was fun trying to create a voice for each character... though I have to confess Annie's voice is almost the same as Katie from Dark Reflections, the key difference being that one had marital problems and chose to look at other men and the other buried her problems within, becoming a "walking corpse". I chuckled the entire time I wrote chapter#2, because I kept thinking in terms of Good Annie and Evil Annie (Katie).

Wonder203 - Thank you, I had a really great time writing it.

Silentsound - Thank you, Sound, I'm glad you had a good time. Moustachoo Bob told me to ask you: "- Me, too?"

About the sniper sequence, yeah, Cormac had dozens of chances to take out Bob, but he realized the guy was worth more delivered alive.

Dragonmann72 - LOOL, I wanted to slap myself when I saw that. Back in highschool I had a crush on a girl whose birthday was May, the 2nd (Aries), so I used that date as my anchor point. Unfortunately, with all the Zodiac stuff I got myself mixed. Damn you, Cormac, and your horoscope mania. :)

Spencerfiction - Thank you Spencer. :)

Jocko_smith - Thank you, Jocko.

Cloacas Anonymous - Thank you for your post, man, creating characters with a distinct personality and a voice is my holy grail and I know I've still a long way to go. I will continue working on it, studying other authors and tring to learn how to breathe life onto my "people".

Excellent Anonymous - Hey, don't worry about it, as long as you had fun, my work here is done.

Rw43 - Thanks, man, I'm not even that big of an authority on anime, it's just stuff I pick up; there was a group of middle school girls way back in 1998-2004 and whenever they walked by me they were always rambling about Tokyo Mew Mew, so now every kid in my stories is a fan of Tokyo Mew Mew. I actually had to google the show to type its characters' names.

Regarding a series, do you mean Dark Reflections? it's the only other story I've written so far.

Between you and me (don't tell anyone), I think about katie all the time; I felt like her story isn't over yet, Calamity never got to say her piece.

Woodmanone - Thank you so much, Wood man One, I have a couple more in the oven, it's just a matter of cleaning them up a bit.

You know how some stuff-shirt prig will insert a few lines of French, or maybe Latin, into their writing, with no translation? The message is, if you can't understand a little French or Latin, then you are too uncouth to really enjoy the full depth of my writing.

We have a similar attitude with this story. If you don't understand the inside arcane esoteric references to movies or computer games or street punk slang, then you are really uncool and not mentally equipped to get the full meaning from this story. And you know, that's OK.

You want to make your writing some kind of inside clique entertainment, that's your prerogative. What's really telling, is that if you had left all the jargon and inside jokes out of the story, it would be much easier to understand, and even more boring. If you can't dazzle them with your brilliance, you write stories like this instead.

Thanks for the effort. At least it was a good mental exercise, sorta.

I wonder how many commenters on LW stories would have to say the same thing? It's clear that somebody who reads a story like that is not reading for pleasure. Presumably they read like that only so that they can make some critique or comment.

There are commenters in the LW category who are 'reading' six or seven or more stories per day and commenting on all of them. Either they are also "mostly skip reading" or they are spending all their lives doing nothing but reading LW stories.

Does anybody read a Loving Wife story for the pleasure of reading a good story?

Lue

bizarre, cryptic, but great. You just have to plow thru the stuff you dont get, which for me wasnt that much, maybe 20% or less. Nice work on this tale. Complete, thorough, well written but yet not truly comprehended,

That was an excellent yarn - but it did take me a little bit of soldiering through to get past some of the next-Generation's undecipherable jargon you tossed at me. Fortunately, none of that was central to the story, so all was well in the end.

But let's not let that could our view of a central fact here...we have a worthy new author to appreciate! 5*

...but next time, can you pick a different social group's lingo to befuddle us? something those of us born prior to 1990 can appreciate and perhaps comprehend? ;-)

With the pieces of the story strewn over the landscape. This was simply a complete and utter clusterfuck. All over the place. I swear a 12 gauge would be neater. Impossible to understand or appreciate this messy story. I still can't tell you if anything really happened in the two chapters. I won't even ask you to try again. There's simply nothing here that was worth the time spent trying to decipher it.

I read constantly, while I eat, watch tv, sit on the porch. I am in rehab post back surgery and out of work until 1/2/19. I do two, sixty minute PT sessions each day, thirty minutes of OT, and then sit around my hospital room the rest of the time. I read.my Lee Child, Brad Thor, or whatever action thriller that appeals to me that day. My wife visits after she finishes her day, and then I am alone again waiting for another day. I watch sports, and read LW. Most of.my posts are done late night or early morning. I do read many stories for pleasure, including your latest. There are.many quality authors on LW. I won't name them, because I don't know who is feuding with whom. As you have mentioned doing, I read all the comments on every story. I have found some gems , that I would have otherwise missed, that way. Most stories rate only a skim, if that. I do not comment unless I read the story. I don't care if unless I read it. My comments are my opinion and I will express that opinion whenever I please. Reading 20+ LW stories per day is no stretch. If I stuck to the two page cuckie strokers, could do 50. In reality, I read LW maybe two and a half hours each day while watching tv or watching people. I enjoy it, and will miss it when I go back to work. Right now I have the time as I can't walk, drive, or stand for very long. Entertainment is limited, so thank you LW for some cheap fun.

That wasn't your Granddad's LW !

It was entertaining , hard to read , vexing , and a little over the top .

And I am sure some will complain it's in the wrong section.

I scored pt1 higher as it seemed more in touch with reality, ch2 strode confidently over the line into the fantastic which in turn felt like a struggle to find an ending to the story that would end up well for all the protagonists.

It makes you wonder what some people think of women as so many of them in these stories aren't confident to confide in what should be their primary confidant. Then again, do much drama would be avoided and without that there would be no stories worth telling.

Would love to see more stories about the adventures of Cormac and 'Robin' or Cormac and Chief Taito, the early years, I think there is potential in him for a wild character.

Entertaining as hell, This is why I read these stories. I dont give a shit about what section its in. Just a fun story to read Thank you

I found the story to be a mess and damn hard to follow. I loved it.

It was consistent with the first chapter, while taking the story in a direction not obvious from the first one. I don't like a story that has a twist for the sake of a twist, that doesn't hold up upon a rereading. This certainly wasn't guilty of that.

Hope to see more.

Wonderfully engaging. Well plotted with many surprises and mysteries. Not predictable but plot internal sense. Well written humor. Everything I want in a story. Double fives and enumerable thank yous.

I recognize you were trying to present this story as if from two different perspectives, but it was like reading two different story fragments written by two different authors and poorly coordinated by an incompetent editor. The first part had a refreshing darkness despite its heavy use of poorly defined insider jargon, while the second part went pure Hollywood Happy Ending with all the loose ends tied up and the bad guy off to life in prison. There is a good story in here trying to get out. So many story elements crying out for development and inclusion into the story. Others needing clarification, such as the repeated references to the guy who went to Nevada and what he actually did. I recommend going over this tale and getting it groomed properly so that it can stand on its own.

This was a good one mate. The characters are fit for a movie. Liked and some of them loved. Here you go FIVE BIG STARS ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

Grandios, wunderbar, weiter so! Cheers und Dankeschön.

but over all it was okay. I like the writing better in the second part than the first, not as much extraneous crap. 4 stars.

One of the best I’ve read in an erotic category. I thought I was reading a normal book.

Thanks and keep up the good work

A first class read.

Great eccentric ensemble of winsome off-beat characters.

part 2 truly great. first part i appreciated yet didn't flow like the finale. maybe somewhat overworked, as in trying to hard. overall a standout story on these pages. thanks a lot for providing.

This was very well-written, The author did an amazing job of developing a readable, interesting story that satisfies yet at the same time leaves the reader wanting more. Cormac is a very interesting character and I think there is a series of books here.

Lent!!!!

Really like this style, gotta say it. Very compelling reading.

Refreshingly different and an easy five. Anyone who skims it won't get it. Every sentence counts. Congratulations.

Can't say it any better than Tricostal's words. 5*

She was jealous of her husband and daughters relationship, had a miscarriage. She entered a depression, that is understandable, but to deal with it, she went out with 2 other women who had the morals of alley cats. If that alone didn't put her marriage on the rocks, the following should have put a bullet to it. She got raped by one of her so called friends boyfriend, and she did nothing about it. She was pressured from work to have sex, did she tell her husband, or boss. Nope. She hid behind her so called gay friend, who she traded sexual innuendos with, and flirted with on the phone. If that's not emotionally cheating, not sure what is. If the marriage wasn't in Nevada already, don't see it getting better because of a ex spook, and a crazy 8 year old.

The way she could describe a fight over a video feed almost better then Joe Rogan does live at a mma fight is a tad beyond the pale. How this relationship is portrayed as strong after been in a coma for the last 8 years is incredulous. I do agree with the ex spook, that the husband was hanging by a thread, just didn't see that tread turn into a life line. Hell the ex spook, was practically taunting him, and calling him a cuck. Who does that and still expects him to function in a life and death situation. It all ended neatly with a bow, with blue butterflies, did i enjoy the story, kinda. Was it believable, nope. Just couldn't make that leap that you required the reader to make. Guess the RaaC crowd loved it. I guess my scars and bruises are showing.

Lovit mon

Great story. Tough to hang on at times but well worth it. It would have been helpful in the first chapter if he had mentioned his other child more. Kind a surprise in this chapter. Still very enjoyable.

Great story! Very much enjoyed this read. Thank-you

I remember reading this years ago. It was a little challenging to keep straight, but liked it. This time I understood it better, and loved it. Thank you.

Excellent.

I'm always fascinated when readers bring their own baggage into a story, and how it shapes their interpretation of said story.

Take, for instances, the idea that Annie was having an emotional affair with Josh, even though time and time again I reinforce the fact that all she has for him is gratitude for saving her from Bob's harrassment.

Or the fact that he is gay.

Or the fact that their communications are centered around him (and his boyfriend) trying to help Annie rekindle her dying marriage with Bill.

Hell, he literally tells her to fuck her husband's brains out.

In another message, he sends her an amusing video of he himself giving a cucumber a blowjob, to show her how she should suck Bill. (Can a writer be any more obvious? I mean, at that stage I was practically carrying a plaque with arrows spelling it out.)

At least in one occasion she refers to these attempts as "gross".

Now, are these communications inappropriate? Perhaps. Milleage may vary, depending on what people view as "inappropriate". Heck, some people view their wives wearing lipstick in public as "inappropriate".

For me personally and as the author, the question I asked myself was: Is Annie's relationship with Josh an enemy to her marriage?

Let's take inventory. This is a couple that was locked in a three years dead bedroom, filled with guilt and regret over their miscarriage.

Josh enters the picture, and suddenly Annie is jumping her husband's bones. I'd take it as a positive.

It's 2019, people, unreliable narrators are an actual thing.

There is a whole universe between what Bill sees and what actually happens.

Bill sees Josh treat Bob like shit. Bill assumes Josh is the bad guy and Bob just some poor innocent schmuck.

Bill sees Annie online shopping for lingerie. Bill assumes it must be for her "sexcapade with Josh", even though she doesn't take it on the trip, but hides it under the bed instead for when she comes back.

Bill finds Annie's wet panties. Bill assumes she's thinking about Josh, because in his insecure mind he could not possibly imagine Annie could be thinking about him.

Bill hears Annie mumble Josh's name in her dreams. The same dreams where she says things like 'Mercury Pow' and 'Stork Pic-Pic'. The same dreams where she brings up her abusive college ex Todd who broke her nose slipping Mickeys in her drink. You get my drift.

My very first story here was about a deranged cheater with awful memory who was wrong about everything.

People see what they wanna see, so stop treating first person narrators' voices as gospel.

All you'll acchieve is make me wanna turn my third person narrators into unreliable witnesses as well. :)

Crazy good story. Kept me on my toes and I loved it

I gave it 5, despite the confusion and mis-direction, or, maybe because of them.

Not sure if this is a one star or a five star but I could not stop reading it. Thoroughly enjoyed it.