All Comments on 'A Vixen in Crimson Red Pt. 01'

Hey, nice story keep it up I'd love to see more

keep it up

1) "Crimson Red" is pretty redundant. "A Vixen in Crimson" would be a much stronger title especially its poetic meter. That's what I actually thought the title was on first pass and the strength of "A Vixen in Crimson" is what got it into my reading queue (a bit of judging a book by its cover, perhaps).

2) "Our wrestling had caused quite a commotion, and the old lady across the hall stepped out and grabbed your arm, pulling you into her room."

It took a second for me to figure out who "you" refers to since the narrator hasn't been telling the story to any particular individual.. Granted, it would make zero sense for the old lady to grab the brute's arm, but the pronoun choice still pulled me out of the story for a second. "grabbed the girl's arm" or "grabbed my neighbor's arm", etc. might have been better choices.

Other than that, very nice job!

Good writing and good story. But, you need to edit before you publish. I think you called her both Cassidy and Hollie a couple of times, and as the previous poster pointed out, switched POV briefly (you versus her). If you really typed this on a phone, then you did a damn fine job - but, editing before posting would still be a good idea. In all other respects, I think the literary quality is excellent - deserving of 5 stars.

Write no more of them- I liked them too much to see anything change, inevitably.

Whatever your decision is about producing any other story of that kind, this story alone, just the way it is, written on your phone, is one of my dearest, the one that hit a target we all have and hide well!

Thanks!

Yeah, a lot of this does need to be edited, and I switched her character name after I was done. I guess I missed one. The title was written after starting up all night putting the story together, and it's not even at the part of the story where it makes sense. I made this story because this girl asked me to, and it changes at her whim, more or less, but after seeing the feedback, I'm thinking of splitting it into two different stories from here.

An excellent first submission. My only real issue with this is that it reads much like a one-off story with a (very) happy ending, but you clearly intend to add on to it.

Yes, it needs edited and proofread.

But the story itself is good.

Too short though.

Very good, why don't either continue this story or write more.