A Walk into the Unknown Ch. 02

"Where? Doing what?"

"A bookstore."

He looks skeptical. "Like a Barnes and Noble? How did they hire you already?"

"No, a small private shop. It's called Hideaway Books. I spoke to the lady who owns it and she hired me on the spot."

"Wow," he says raising his eyebrows. "You must've made quite the impression."

"Quite," I say in my best Royal voice.

"How much does it pay?"

"Minimum wage."

He nods and looks away.

"Hey!" I yell at him. "At least it's something."

He quickly looks at me apologetically. "I know. I'm not criticizing. I think that's great!"

"Did you find a job today? Hm?"

"Well no, not a job."

"There you go. A minimum wage job is better than no job."

He looks down at the bed and takes his hand away from my hair.

"I found something else today," he says.

"Like what?"

He adjusts his position so he's sitting a little higher. He looks down at me with a seriousness I wasn't expecting.

"I need to confess something but I don't want you to get angry.

It feels like my heart stops for a moment.

"Okay," I say, a tinge of fear in my voice. Our relationship has been so short lived so far that we've never really had a couples talk.

"I haven't been entirely honest with you about why I wanted to come here."

He stops to see if I'm going to say something, but I don't.

He continues. "I know I said maybe we'll find mom, but for me it wasn't like 'hey, maybe that will happen', you know? I kind of wanted to come here specifically so I can find her."

"You want to find mom? For real?"

He nods. "I didn't look for a job today. I went to the library and did some research."

"Okay," I say. I'm surprised but I'm not really mad, which makes me think something else is coming. Something bad.

"I found out she used to work at a Frank's Nursery, so I went there."

"And?" My heart is beating even faster now.

"I didn't find her."

I take a breath. What was I thinking?

"But I did find out where she is. And tomorrow I think we should go."

I don't say anything. I'm not sure what to say.

"Are you serious?" That's the only thing I can think of.

He nods. "She's living on a farm. They're coming to the store for supplies tomorrow. We can ask them for a ride."

"Mom is..." My mind is clouded with so many thoughts I can't latch on to anything. I sit up. "Wait. Mom is living on a farm? How do you know this?"

"Someone at the store told me. He remembered her."

"How do you know it's for real?"

He's about to say something but stops. He takes a breath and then looks at me again.

"I don't," he says. "But it feels real. I just know it is. If anything, I think we should at least try."

"So some strange people are going to drive us out to a farm? That doesn't sound dangerous to you?"

He looks at me like I'm crazy. I guess that's one of the differences between men and women.

"I'm sure it'll be fine," he says. "The manager of the store says they come in all the time. I'm sure they're not some crazy murderers just waiting for the off chance someone asks to hitch a ride to their farm."

I take a breath. I'm still swimming in thoughts.

"You really think we're going to find mom there?" I ask him.

"Yes. I do. I really do."

I've never thought about seeing my mother again. I guess I just always assumed it will never happen, so what's the point in thinking about it? I don't know how to feel about this.

I don't know how to feel about her.

I suddenly have a flash of memory from the last time I saw her. The stern face looking down at me, the car in the background waiting for her. "Good luck." Her last words ringing in my ear as she walks away.

I'm broken out of the memory by Rog pulling me into him. He rolls me around so I'm laying on my back, him on top of me.

"I think we should try," he says. "If it turns out she's not there, we've lost nothing."

"We'll have lost a day. And I'm supposed to start my new job tomorrow."

"Can't you tell them you'll start on Wednesday?"

"I can't call out on my first day!"

"Well..." He thinks for a moment, looking sheepish. "Tell her you just moved here and you have to see an apartment. Say you didn't expect to start so soon. I think that's reasonable."

"Rog-"

"Don't you want to see mom?" He cuts me off. The tone of his voice implies this should be an easy question. However, deep down, in the place where we are all honest with ourselves, the answer is no.

I look up at him and force a smile. I know he really wants this and I have to be supportive.

"Yes," I lie.

I guess this is what a relationship feels like. The little negotiations we make to ourselves in order to please the other person. He wants this and I know I have to support him. I can't help but wonder though if that thinking is just the first step in a long journey to destruction. But then again, maybe it's a path to safety. What are the chances we'll actually find her? It'll be hard enough on him if that's the case, then add on top of it I didn't support him to begin with. Sometimes love is just a forced smile and a lie with your fingers crossed hoping for the best.

"Okay," I continue. "Let's do it. I'll call Julia in the morning."

I can see he doesn't recognize the name.

"My boss," I add in. "Then, we'll see mom."

He smiles. In fact, he smiles so big I wonder if there's another word for it. His lips dart to mine and his kiss starts to ease my tension. I can tell this is his way of saying "thank you".

We end up ordering pizza and watch some bad movie on the TV. We never had cable growing up and from the looks of it, I doubt we'll ever spend money on it. There's just as much bad stuff on cable as there is on an antenna. When we're done, Rog suggests going to bed early. He says the farm crew will be at the store around ten.

"I want to get there a little early so we don't miss them," he says.

I nod and start to change into my pajamas, setting the alarm for eight. I guess we shouldn't have sex every night. Once something becomes commonplace, it loses it's luster. Isn't that how old marriages die out? A night off might be okay. I lay my head on the pillow and snuggle into him as he turns off the light.

The alarm goes off in what feels like a couple minutes. However, when I lean over and look at the clock, it says eight a.m. I spent most of the night awake, dreading what this day was going to be like. I finally fell asleep at some point, but it doesn't feel like I got much of it at all. We start to get ready, both of us grunting to each other in our want for more sleep.

"We can get breakfast to-go at the McDonald's across the street and eat it on the bus ride over."

Ugh. Just the word "bus" makes me shudder.

"Sounds good," I say.

We both shower (separately) and are out the door in no time at all. There's also no line at the McDonald's. It's like the universe wants this to happen today. Before I know it, we're on the bus eating our breakfast.

"So what are you going to say to them?" I ask.

He looks at me and tilts his head.

"Well, are you going to be like 'hi, I'm Rog. Take me to your leader.'"

He laughs. "No."

"Are you going to tell them you think your mother who you haven't seen since you were a little kid lives on the farm?"

He looks down. I can tell he hasn't decided yet.

"I don't know what I'm going to tell them," he says. "Whatever gets us in the car."

I eat for a second, not sure if I should ask the next question. But I figure it's going to come up no matter what.

"What are you going to call me?"

He looks at me with an odd look. "My sister."

"So should we not, like, hold hands or touch or anything?"

"Uh..." He trails off.

"You don't want to scare them away," I say.

He nods. "I'm not ashamed or anything."

"I know," I say into my hash brown. There's a silence for a moment, just the hum of the bus and the screech of the brakes as it approaches a light. "If we find mom, what are you going to tell her?"

"Rach..." He trails off again. I let him find his words because I know the ones he chooses will be important. "Most people aren't very accepting of us. We have to be careful who we tell. But, we will tell mom."

"If we find her," I but in.

He exhales. "If we find her. But we will tell her. Whoever these people are that we find at the store, I'll even tell them, if it turns out mom is there. But I don't see why we have to tell them anything about ourselves if we don't have to."

I nod. I know it makes sense. I don't know what I'm upset about, I just have this weird feeling.

"Okay," I say.

We're pretty quiet for the rest of the bus ride, though I cuddle into his arm the whole way. The ride takes longer than expected and I can tell he's getting nervous. We stop a few blocks from the store. Once we're out, Rog is walking faster than I've ever seen him do before. As we get to the parking lot, I can see a pickup truck outside and two men loading bags into the back.

"Excuse me," Rog calls out as he approaches them. "Excuse me!"

A slender man who's not that much taller than me turns to him. He's wearing an auburn shirt and a light brown baseball cap that covers his eyes. The guy points to himself, asking if Rog is talking to him.

"Yes. Hi," Rog says, catching his breath.

The other man comes around the side of the pickup. He's much bigger and has a bald head. I can tell this guy does most of the heavy lifting.

"Can I help you?" Baseball cap guy asks.

Rog holds his hand out. "My name is Rog Morgan. This is my sister Rachel," he says as he points back to me. "Are you from Sheridan Farm?"

The two men exchange a nervous look.

"Yes, we are," baseball cap responds. "How can I help you?"

"I was wondering if...maybe you could give us a ride out to the farm."

So that whole bus ride over here, Rog couldn't come up with some story as to why we need a ride? Unless he's going to tell them the truth.

Bald guy gets straight to the point. "Why?" He joins his friend so they're standing side by side now.

"Um...well...," Rog says as he stumbles over his words.

"We're looking for a job," I say.

The men both look at me, confused.

"We just moved to the area. We heard about the farm from the manager and thought maybe you're looking for help."

The men look at each other. "What did he tell you about our farm?" Bald guy asks.

"Uh...," I look to Rog now. I don't even know what the manager looks like.

"That it's a farm," he says. "Didn't need to know much more other than that."

The two men eye us for a moment. Baseball cap is the first to shake his head.

"Not hiring. Sorry," he says as he turns back to his truck.

"Wait!" Rog calls out.

Bald guy starts walking to the passenger side of the truck. "Look, we're not a commercial farm, so we don't have work to give out."

"We're looking for Liz!" Rog almost yells it at the men. They both stop.

Liz? I know our mother's name is Elizabeth, but where did Rog get Liz from?

"Elizabeth Anders," Rog says. "We're looking for her."

Bald guy comes back around the truck and baseball cap closes the driver-side door.

"What do you want with her?" Baseball cap asks.

I'm completely frozen on the spot. I have no idea what's going on at this point. I mean, I kinda do, but I really feel like I'm lost.

"She's our mom," Rog says. It sits in the air for a moment. The two men look stunned and skeptical.

"What did you say your names were again?" Baseball cap asks.

"Roger and Rachel," he says pointing to me and him. "We came all the way from New Jersey looking for her. Does she live at your farm?"

The two men look at each other, trying to decide something. I suddenly wonder why it's such a big deal if we go to this farm.

"Please," Rog pushes on. "All we're asking for is a ride."

"It's your call," bald guy says to baseball cap. Baseball cap mulls it over for a second and then nods to the back seat.

"Thank you!" Rog says, grabbing the man's hand to shake it again. "Thank you."

We start to climb into the backseat as the men take their seats up front. It's surprisingly roomy in back.

"Thank you so much for doing this for us," Rog says again.

"Don't thank us yet," baseball cap says. "I'm not saying your mom lives there. There is a woman named Liz who used to have a couple of kids, but I don't know if she's your mom. I guess she'll decide that."

"You mean she talked about us?" Rog asks. He tries to mask the happiness in his voice but I can hear it.

Baseball cap starts to pull out of the parking lot.

"Sometimes," he says. "We don't use last names on the farm, but Anders sounds kind of familiar. Not sure though.

"What's your names?" I ask, hoping to learn something about the strange men who's truck we're in now.

"Oh sorry," baseball cap says. "I'm George and this is Henry."

"Nice to meet you," Henry says looking back.

"Henry's coming back into town later, so he can drop you off then," George says.

"Thank you," Rog says again.

"You can stop thanking us," George says with a smile. "So you guys are from where again?"

"New Jersey," Rog answers.

"And you're brother and sister?"

I can see him looking at us in the rearview mirror.

I nod.

George smiles. "Well, you kinda look like her. Especially you," he says looking at me.

I shift uncomfortably in my chair.

"George," Henry says to him. The two men exchange a look.

"What?" Rog asks.

The truck exits onto the freeway and we start to head out of the city.

George shrugs in response to Henry.

"There's something you need to know about the farm before you get there," Henry says.

And this is where they murder us!

"Well," George picks up. "It's called 'Sheridan Farm' and it is a working farm, but it's more like a community."

"What does that mean, 'community'?" I ask.

George looks back at me in the rearview again.

"Now there's no need to get worked up. It's nothing to be worried about. It's just..." He thinks for a moment. "We're a special kind of community and not many people are open to our...lifestyle."

I exchange a look with Rog. He shrugs. Great! I'm over here freaking out and all he's worrying about is whether mom is there or not.

What's his obsession with mom all of a sudden?

"What's so special about your community?" I ask.

"We're Naturists," Henry says.

I have no idea what he means. I look to Rog and he looks equally lost.

"So you guys live in tents and stuff?" Rog asks.

The two men laugh.

"No. I mean we like to camp, but that's not what I'm referring to.

"So what are you referring to?" Rog asks. Now I can finally hear a little bit of worry in his voice.

"We're almost there," Henry says to George.

"Well, I guess they'll find out on their own," George says.

The truck pulls onto a dirt road and heads into a patch of dense trees.

"What do you mean naturists?" I ask again.

Suddenly I see someone on the road ahead of us waving. As the truck approaches and the person becomes clearer I realize the strangest thing.

The person standing in the road is completely naked.

The truck comes to a stop and George rolls down his window. A girl who doesn't look that much older than me walks up, completely naked. Her golden hair shines when stray beams of sun hit it.

"Welcome back boys," she says with a smile. "I see you brought some strays," looking back at us.

"Uh yeah. This here is...What did you say your names were again?"

"Rachel and Roger," Rog answers.

"Yeah, there you go," George says to the girl.

"Well nice to meet you Rachel and Roger," she says. The pep in her voice is thick.

"Listen, Kat, do you know where Liz is? Our friends back there are looking for her."

"Yeah, she's helping out in the pantry today."

"Why is she there?" Henry cuts in now. "She's supposed to be in the field."

The girl, Kat I'm assuming, shakes her head and gives him a look. "You know Liz."

George pats her on the arm. "Thanks Kat. We're going to head over there. Jump in back and we'll drive you over.

The girl walks around to the back of the truck and jumps on, then taps twice on the side of the truck. As the truck starts to move again, I look back at the girl. She kneels down, resting her hand on her knee, and smiles back at me.

"Naturism is a kind of lifestyle," George says up front. I turn back around to him. "One aspect of it is that we don't wear any clothes."

"You mean like nudists?" I ask.

Both men shake their heads.

"No, not like nudists," Henry says.

"Well..." George gives him a smile and then turns back to us. "Kind of like nudists but with more ideas."

I glance at Rog and he glances at me. I can tell we're both thinking the same thing.

This was a bad idea.

The truck pulls up to a small building in the middle of some trees. Both men up front get out along with Kat in back. Rog and I get out as well.

"I'll go get Liz," Henry says, and walks off to the building.

"George!" Kat yells at him as she comes around. "Did you do it again?" She has her hands on her hips and I can tell she's still being friendly but the accusation is real.

George shrugs and tilts his head side to side.

She turns to me. "I'm sorry about him. He's supposed to warn people before they come out here. But he loves to see the look on people's faces when they see us without warning. This must be kind of a shock."

"Uh, no," I lie. "It's..."

"Yeah it is," she says. "It's okay."

"How come you're wearing clothes?" Rog asks George.

"We can't go into the city nude. We dress whenever we leave the farm. We don't want any trouble with anyone."

The door to the building opens and Henry walks out followed by a woman. The minute I see her, I know it's her. It's the same face from the image I've had in my head my whole life, just with a little more lines on her face. The minute she sees us she stops walking and puts her hands to her mouth. It almost looks funny, her covering her mouth while the rest of her is completely naked.

"Oh my God," she says.

I look at Rog and I can already see the tears coming down his face. I look back at my mom and try to figure out how I'm feeling. This whole time I haven't been able to figure out what this moment actually means to me.

The people around us take a small step back, giving us the room to do whatever it is we're going to do. Rog starts to step forward.

"Mom?" He asks through tears.

"Roger?" She says, opening her arms to him.

The two of them hug and start to cry.

"Oh my God oh my God oh my God," mom starts saying over and over.

I look at the two of them embracing and that final memory I have of her comes into focus again.

Good luck, she says looking down at me as she walks away into the awaiting car. I finally realize how I'm feeling.

I feel angry!

I can't believe I let myself get pulled into this. I can't believe Rog brought me all the way out here for this. I can't believe any of this.

My mom lets Rog go and then looks at me.

"Rachel," she says as she starts to come closer.

I take a step back and she stops. Her face is a mess of tears and mine is completely dry.

"Rachel," she says with more air in her voice. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

I stand as frozen as can be. I don't want her to get any emotion from me.

She takes a step closer.

"I've thought about you so much over the years." She wipes tears from her eyes. "I'm so sorry I left you. It's been the biggest regret of my life."

She takes another step closer and pulls me in for a hug. As she wraps her arms around me, I let mine stay at my sides. She squeezes me tight and I hear her crying on my shoulder. I give her nothing.

"I'm sorry," she whispers to me.

She pulls away and looks me in the eye. I can tell she's waiting for something. How did this face come to be so close to me again? I ball my hands into fists.